Diannaries

Believe - Nothing is Impossible +AMDG+ White Spaces and Line Breaks

[diaayang]

Anxiety attacked me this 12MN. I greeted it “it’s been years since the last time we’ve met, my friend” I cannot sleep. I cannot even think and concentrate. Where’s meditation when I need him the most. Years of practicing but I never thought that it will only take a whim to forget it all.

But I acted the moment I felt the pain.

I RAN AGAIN

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I didn’t change; I just see things differently now.”

— Unknown

[diaayang]

it's the little things that reminds us the beauty of life and living

[diaayang]

What’s happening?

The past few months was bliss and sorrow. The excitement and the thrill without thinking about morrow.

Something within me was changed. Who would thought that a person once cheated became a cheater. I was so disgusted with myself. I don’t want to romanticize this because wrong is wrong but on the other hand love is love.

My morals was tested by my drive and desires. In the end, it was greater than what is “good” as dictated by the society.

I never been inlove this way. It feels so right and feels so wrong at the same time. It felt heaven and hell. I was addicted to it, addicted to him and deluded with the thought of “us”. There was never an us. 

It was only me who played this game and got lost in the end. 

But can you blame me? I felt the emotional connection that we shared every time that I am with him. I don’t care what people will say -- all I think is about us. When will I see him again? Will he love me too the way that I did? All of that thoughts are just my imaginations. Again, I was the one who invested so much I was ready to lose everything for him. I was ready to give up the person who loves me more than I love myself. I was willing to risk it all. EVERYTHING.

I tried to be logical. I tried to ran away from him but I was drowned by my love for him. The more want to escape the deeper I got into. I want to explain myself. I want to defend my self that I will not do it to him. I want to prove it to him. I just need a chance. Just one chance. That never happened because I know he was also traumatized with his past lover. However, I know deep in myself that I can be more than them. I can give more than what they can give. But I will never be them. My body was too big and my face is too ugly for his standard. In short, I never have that “beauty queen” type of girl. What can I do? This is what God gave to me. All I need is to accept that I cannot have him. No matter what I do. No matter who I am. He doesn’t love me. He just gave the “experience” took it for granted and I am too stupid to fall for him. 

Now, my life is fucked up. Still moving on what have had happened. Thinking of what could it be if it’s us in the end. I forgive him and even befriended him for the sake of the love I had - for what we had. because this is the only way I can love him silently while moving on at the same time. 

No matter what he did to me - that one thing that he left me but lost and forgotten,  I didn’t care. I suppressed it to be okay because that’s what I need to be. I skipped the process because the what ifs still lingers in my head. I never had that closure that I really wanted because all I do is talk and act oppositely the way I think and I feel. I was so afraid to be hurt again. I guarded myself and pretended to be that strong.

I am so messed up. I want to take everything slow. pace by pace it’s been months since that event but the trauma is still here. Unlike him, he was so happy now with his lover and I am happy for him. That’s love right?  To see your love ones happy even it’s not with you - to set them free even if it hurts that you can actually die. 

In the end, all I can say is that... “I wish I was her. Only if you had given me a chance. Only if we tried and you took the risk.”  

[diaayang]

fuck this life 🥲

[diaayang]

2021

📌 Financial Freedom

[extramadness]

[diaayang]

Isn’t it weird to feel sad and alive sometimes?

[diaayang]

GROW

like how the flowers bloom

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Traits of Mentally Strong People

1. They are able to stay calm, and maintain self-control.

2. They have clear boundaries between themselves and other people.

3. They don’t become defensive, or feel completely crushed, when someone is critical of them or their work.

4. They are flexible, and willing to adapt to other people.

5. They know their limitations, and are happy to be helped.

6. They forgive themselves willingly – and then move on with life.

7. They don’t bear grudges, or play games with people’s feelings.

8. They are responsible, persistent, and committed to their goals.

[diaayang]

W.O.M.A.N.

let them judge. let them misinterpret. let them stereotype. let them wonder. you are a riddle with no clues... it’s for them to discover the real you. 🌸

[diaayang]

Earlier this afternoon. Ivan and I had a great time together Then, Out of the blue I told him... “I’ll go out, go home and do your groceries with your aunt.” Idk. I love and I hate this dangerous part of me. Sometimes, i dissociate myself from the rest of the world. Like what happened later this afternoon. I went out for a walk, a coffee and a doughnut. I sometimes love this solitude, which is weird for an extrovert like me. Then, after DD I walk out to the streets and realized... The world is so big. People have their own lives thinking of their own problems and searching for their own purpose but in reality we are all nobody in this chaotic realm. It hit me so hard... because Life is nothing but an endless connection. On the other hand, it is also nothing but a maze. Fuck this peculiar side of me. This crazy little mind gives me shiver but this is only the time that I can write one of the best... I need this side of me because I have part time jobs to fulfill. It’s hard to make content when you are out of juices. In the end, this is just me having another episode of being.

[diaayang]

Not a typical love letter

just a cold early wednesday morning wondering how it feels like to lose you. For me, maybe it feels nothing. Why? Because you are the reason why I am still here ...breathing, why I am still moving forward... and why I am... carrying on. We made a vow in our naked hearts using our bare hands. It was simple but it is real. How can that one touch tied us forever. No matter what we do, no matter what path we take... we always meet in the end. I sometimes think that maybe the gods fated us... It feels like I’ve known you for a long time even if it’s only 5years since we’ve actually met. I also bet that the universe conspires us... to be together. But... at some point I want to say sorry to all the people who came along the way. Who felt that they are used, abused and taken for granted. To my old lovers that I let them wait, to wait until I’m ready to leave him and to choose from one of you... I’m sorry because I am just young and dumb to let you hope. In the end, it will always be XXX; To his lovers, i have nothing to say but heal. I don’t know what you had. I don’t know exactly everything but know the thin line between the reality and fantasy. I wish this isn’t a curse of us being together... I don’t want to destroy people’s live esp those who shared their love... but in the end, It will only the two of us to make everything worthwhile.

[diaayang]

This emotional turmoil will always be here, haunting.

But today, I decided to end this. To forget and to never look back. I will not let go of the burden of this heart. To reconcile with my present and to look forward with the future.

It’s been a long time since I remember how it feels to be alive. I want to live again, to describe things like hemmingway does. I want to inspire people again. I want to be myself again.

Forgiveness that’s all it gonna takes.

[diaayang]

To Love, like I always Do

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned is: “It’s OK.” It’s OK for me to be kind to myself; it’s OK to be wrong; it’s OK to get mad; it’s OK to be happy; it’s OK to move on.”

— Haley Williams

[remanence-of-love]