Scribbs Keeps a Diary

[diaryofscribbs]

Scribbs Is Tired (Again)

Under the cut for Reasons

My family doesn’t get it... I tell them i’m tired and they just say go to bed and have a sleep. It’s not that sort of tired though. 

I’m tired of the global pandemic. 

I’m tired of my days off not being my own. 

I’m tired of work and people changing who they are to fit with higher management.

And I’m tired of not being able to reach out to my closest friends and give them a real actual hug instead of a smile and a wave over skype. 

I know I should be grateful, at least we have the internet and phones and everything, but you have to understand that it’s not the same right? It’s not the same as being able to go out and chat and have some fun. It’s not as personal. 

The only people I see right now are my family, my colleagues, and clients at work. To say none of them are the most huggy type is an understatement. I’ve been touch starved for years, I’ve always been the most huggy of my peers and always been the one most short of physical company. So being back in lockdown and being a hundred odd miles from any of my close friends is like the biggest stab in the gut. 

Nobody can do anything about it. I know that and I get that, and I’m not simply attention seeking saying all this. I just... I need to get it out there because it’s hurting so much and draining all my energy. 

It probably doesn’t help that I’m moving away in New Year, even further from friends and family. It’ll be good, it’s a fresh start new job, and hopefully a chance to make new friends. 

I still miss my old friends though. And i’m still sceptical about how easy it’s going to be to meet new people if there’s still this whole lockdown scenario. 

Things are all just stressful and hard right now.

Really all scribbles wants is an actual hug.

[the-memedaddy]

meirl

[diaryofscribbs]

Scribbles is tired.

Tired of lots of things. Work is still insanely busy and we haven’t the staff. I’m essentially doing three peoples jobs. Management don’t think I’m working hard enough.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. We have more staff starting next week and I start a new job in January.

Not that that makes it any easier in the immediate term. It doesn’t change that right now I don’t think I could possibly get any more drained. Right now I’m not even sure I can feel anything other than just exhausted.

I’m tired and numb.

But this isn’t a cry for help. I don’t expect or want everyone to come running. I just need to get it out in words because otherwise it sits and festers in my head and in my chest and it HURTS.

[diaryofscribbs]

Well... keeping this updated went well, didn’t it?

Scribbles needs a rant though, there’s so so much going on right now and I need a space to vent. I don’t expect any replies or anything, but hey, I ain’t gonna say you can’t reply at all. Thoughts always welcome here.

Not many of my tumblr friends know about Scribbs’ real-life life.

I think there’s maybe about four of you? Definitely only two that know in depth detail.

Because there’s a f*ck tonne of sh*t that goes on when I’m not at the computer. Sometimes there’s a load of it when I am at the computer too, but hey, it’s the real-life stuff that’s getting heavy at the moment.

Work is hard, so so ridiculously hard at the moment. I know it’s the same for everyone since Covid, but that doesn’t make how hard I’m finding it invalid right now, ‘Kay? Nobody else gets to come in and say ‘yeah but the doctors have it harder’. We’re fully booked up to three weeks in advance, we get emergencies in every single day. Some weeks I do a solid 60 hours straight, which in an already high pressure job is a lot. I’m burned out, I’m tired, I don’t have the energy to do anything outside of work.

I want to write and knit and bake and go out (where I can at least). I spend my occasional days off and my evenings recovering though, trying to switch off from the patients I’ve seen that day and not think about how they’re doing later that evening.

I call it the nurses curse... caring too damn much about the patients and not enough about myself to turn off at the end of the day.

It’s a problem in all aspects of my life.

But I don’t think I’d change it.

The worst bit about work right now? Someone got tested positive for Covid.

Perhaps I wouldn’t be bothered about it. Perhaps if she hadn’t have gone travelling no only around the country but around EUROPE on her weekends I wouldn’t have minded so much.

If she’d have taken some sick leave instead of coming into work with a sore throat I might not have been as bothered. If she hadn’t have then flown to Europe for a long weekend and then come home having lost her sense of taste and smell I’d have perhaps been a bit more relaxed about it. I might have known then if she’d have picked it up somewhere local or whilst she was away.

Maybe if she hadn’t have gone off all over the place I wouldn’t be worrying that I’m carrying Covid asymptomatically and risking passing it on to my asthmatic brother.

Maybe I wouldn’t have had to cancel my staycation in Norfolk. Maybe I wouldn’t have missed out on that job interview I was looking forward to.

Instead I’m being forced to make use of a weeks holiday without being able to do anything. I’m stuck at home with my family for a week, feeling like I should be self isolating JUST IN CASE whilst all my colleagues are being forced to continue work regardless of the fact that one of our team could well have passed it on to us.

WHERE IS THE COMMON SENSE????

Close the practice for a damn week until we KNOW that none of the rest of us are showing symptoms. The patients and their owners can go to another branch if it’s an emergency and routines can just goddamn WAIT. Because I could not live with myself if I passed it on to the sweet old lady that brings her dog in for a weekly weigh in, or the pregnant member of staff caught it and got seriously sick.

See, there’s that curse again, I don’t care if I get sick... but what about literally EVERYONE around me??

I know there’s places that have it worse.

But that doesn’t make it any easier for me right now.

Why oh why can’t people just have common sense?

This is already flaming long. I’ll perhaps throw the other half of all the issues into another post. At least to just get it off my chest if nothing else.

[sixpenceee]

STAY👏THE👏 FUCK👏 HOME !!

[bilbon-socket]

STAY👏THE👏 FUCK👏 HOME !!

[moonlightchess]

Someday, our grandkids are going to ask us, “What was the coronavirus like?”

And we’ll have to tell them, “Things were awful. You couldn’t get toilet paper or hand sanitizer anywhere, all the businesses were closing, horrible people were taking advantage of everything, people were out of work and desperate, people were dying.”

These things will be true, this will have been the history we survived.

But we’ll also be able to tell those wide-eyed babies, someday, that “There were people singing to each other from their windows. People offering all the time and money they could spare to support their neighbors in need. People whose angels emerged as the world was burning, people risking everything on some wild prayer that they’d make some kind of difference before the sickness came for them. The doctors and nurses, the delivery people working nonstop to bring us supplies, the kids at the grocery stores who’d only wanted video game money when they’d applied for their jobs but who stayed on and worked because people needed food. It was the end of the world, and that was when the saints came. That was when we proved our worth. And there were videos, all over the internet, of the singing. All those voices singing back and forth to each other, all those songs.”

And that will be true, too.

[diaryofscribbs]

27/03/2020

So after much messing about on the part of the people that manage me at work… it’s finally been figured out that I am being furloughed. They’re condensing both our practice and another branch about 10 miles away into one for the time being and keeping it running on a skeleton staff. I could have worked if I’d have volunteered to do nights but I really am not a night person. I get up with the sun and go to bed with the sun. 

At this point I’m not really sure which I’d have preferred… to be in work 4 days a week or to have all the free time in the world to do my own thing? One gives me a chance to get away from my oh so loving family, the other a chance to catch up on all that stuff I’ve been saying I’ll do forever. 

Work is so exhausting I hardly ever get to do all the things I want to, I’m usually so tired when I get home or on my weekends off I spend all my time just resting. So now I basically have no excuse to not finish that knitting, or my million unfinished fics, or get to the bottom of my reading list. 

My aim is to do at least one productive thing a day. 

Maybe I’ll just give myself the weekend though. 

Y’know, because I’d have that time off anyway?

I think both physically and mentally I need the chance to switch off for a bit. I am permanently exhausted and achey. Yesterday working as reception cover for work my brain was giving up on the most basic of things. As a friend would say I think I’ve run out of spoons for the time being and need a chance to replenish them. 

I’ve got a few friends around to talk to at the moment, helping to keep me sane. The closest ones are still MIA though. I just hope they’re okay and that I’ll hear back from them sooner rather than later. 

There are perhaps two people in my life that can cheer me up no matter what mood I’m in and I always feel like my brain has reset after speaking to them. Not hearing from them in all of this is perhaps one of the biggest stressors I’m facing. I’m a social person and being cut off from the world is manageable as long as I can still have contact with the important people in my life. I’ve tried to explain it before but only one other person I know has ever really understood me when I’ve said that I don’t feel like a priority in anyone's life. 

I promise I’m not being dramatic or anything here but almost everyone that I know has a relationship. All but one of my friends is in a committed relationship with someone else. So, when I get excited about something, or see something that makes me laugh, or if I’ve had a crap day at work, these friends are the only people that I have got to message. The problem is that because they all have their own lives and other people that are more important to them, I won’t always get a message back. 

Now, I’m not by any means saying how very dare they have a life outside of my friendship, don’t get me wrong I completely understand that people have their own lives. 

It’s just disheartening you know? 

If any of them were to message me, I’d be there to talk to them in a flash. And I have to do that for people, it’s a part of who I am because I know what it’s like to feel the desperate need to talk to someone and not get a response. 

Got entirely distracted from this so have no idea where i was going with this train of thought. Had a phone call from work… I’m not actually furloughed I am being expected to work the same hours for the same pay at a different branch. 

Which would be okay if I hadn’t already been told five different things. 

Like is it so hard to ask me a question based on full facts rather than half facts? 

Out of five nurses at our practice, there is only me and one other nurse being expected to keep working. Everyone else is going on furlough, getting 80% of their usual pay to sit and home and self isolate. Yet I’m also refusing to do nights which apparently means I’m not supporting the company as much as I should.

Is volunteering to go to a strange place with strange people not enough for them?

Ugh, I’m angry. I understand there’s a pandemic going on that nobody really knows how to deal with, but this could have been handled so much better by work if only they’d have taken a little while to just stop and think about it. 

Going to go and quietly fume. I shall check in again soon.

[unofficeleriac-deactivated20210]

Reblog if it’s okay for anybody to message you if they’re feeling lonely during self isolation. Let’s get through this together!

[mykonorii-deactivated20210324]

Yep! I’m here for you! ♡

[tanpopocrossing]

Pls pls pls I love to talk and I’ve been a hermit for too long

[cheaphalloweencostume]

[caseyd1a]

[plancinginthemoonlight]

I feel so called out

[whitepeopletwitter]

[diaryofscribbs]

24/03/2020

I had intended to write again sooner but unfortunately life has gotten in the way, what with mothers day on Sunday, and then working 10 hour days on Monday and today. 

Life is exhausting at the moment. 

Everywhere you turn everything is all about the virus. 

We had to cancel our Mothers day afternoon tea, it wasn’t worth the risk taking my Nan out. When we went to see her it was a case of waving through the window and leaving her card and flowers on the doorstep for her. 

Mum won’t even let us hug and kiss her now. We live with her and chances are if I get sick she will too, simply because we live in the same house, but it’s her belief that not having any physical interaction with any of us will protect her. It’s hard to describe how much it hurts as someone that has been touch starved most of their adult life to have their one form of physical closeness taken away. 

I think that’s part of why I’m finding this whole thing so overwhelming. 

Monday was hard. Work was exhausting. Head office seem to be slow on putting things in place to protect both us and our clients. We still had people bringing their dogs and cats for routine consultations, things that could wait until all this blows over. I am by no means the head vet nurse of the practice, but everyone comes to me as if I am and asks questions I simply don’t know the answers to. I had a receptionist breaking down on one shoulder panicking that she was going to get sick and die of it, on the other shoulder I had a client crying that we were going to close and asking what would she do when she ran out of insulin for her dog. 

In my view only one of them was justified. A young fit healthy receptionist that lives with her equally young fit and healthy boyfriend, separated from clients by a meter wide reception desk (I measured it) is hardly the highest risk individual in the practice. Winding herself up to a state of hysteria definitely didn’t help. I understand it’s a stressful time, I understand that having clients anywhere near you at the moment must be daunting, but we have to provide a service. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, calmly ask clients to take a step back if you need to. 

I think the hysteria of the country is half the problem at the moment. That and the fact that everyone wants everything immediately. So many people, including the government, are trying so very hard to prioritise and put plans into action yet it simply cannot all be done overnight. The world doesn't work like that!

Though I may be a slight hypocrite saying that really. 

Because I’ve not wanted anything more than to have some answers. 

The veterinary industry as a whole has been incredibly unclear as to where we stand. 

We have a duty of care to the animals. 

But we also have a duty of care to the public. 

Today we finally got some answers. With the lock down last night the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons said that we should be seeing emergencies only. This morning it was agreed in work that the nurses would triage over the phone, the vets would consult over the phone, and only the most urgent of cases would come in for treatment… anything else could wait until, well, who knows when really?

Most clients are understanding, and I wish I could show them how grateful we are for that! Boosters and neutering and nail clips, whilst required aren’t deemed life threatening to the degree that a road traffic accident, or an epeleptic fit, or a GDV. 

So today has been easier, there’s been some sense of understanding and direction for what happens now until normality resumes. The mental breakdown that was undoubtedly on its way this morning has been staved off for another day. 

There’s still the fact that my family and friends are all distant, wrapped up in their own worlds and lives and distracted away from conversation. That can wait though I guess, the important ones will come back in time, or so I hope at least. 

All this is just temporary and all I can do for now is take each day as it comes, smile for those that need it, and keep my chin up. 

After all, just the rest of this week and then I have half a week off. 

What could possibly go wrong before then?

[hieronymus-bush]

Hey, I just want everyone to know that what the world is going through is a legitimate trauma. Full on. It fits the “official” definition and everything. This is a traumatic event.

That means that it’s normal and expected to find yourself using coping mechanisms that you thought you were done with, to find yourself numbed out, to be on the verge of constant panic attacks, to be acting impulsively and compulsively, to engage in very old patterns, to have wide swings of every behaviour especially regarding sleep, food, and sex.

The research shows that people in a traumatic situation who most often develop PTSD (which I would say we are all at risk of) or have their existing PTSD/C-PTSD intensified are folks who cannot or believe they cannot do anything about it the trauma event.

So, if you are able, look for a place in all of this where you can feel that you can do something. Harass a company not doing enough for its employees, sign a petition, check in on a neighbour, set alarms to remind yourself to eat (it’s on my own to do list for today), intentionally spend time every day doing straw breathing to shift your sympathetic nervous system response. You don’t have to become some social media hero, or spend all your time improving yourself. But if you can find something that makes you feel like you can do something for yourself that decreases the trauma load on you, it will greatly benefit you going forward.

If anyone has any questions about this, my asks are open, or you can message me. (I cannot do any online therapy, I am happy to share information about trauma itself and any tools that I know)

It is okay to reblog this.

- Registered Clinical Counsellor, with 10+ years specifically working with trauma

[diaryofscribbs]

21/03/2020

I saw a post on Tumblr today saying how historians wish there were better records of history from the people. It’s all well and good having the science, the facts, and the news reports but I can see how none of these really give a true picture of how people are feeling. 

We are currently living through a point in time that we know will be looked back on by not only historians, but doctors, scientists, and school children. Maybe one day people will look back in the same way we are looking back to the Spanish Flu now. One day, people will want to know the little intricacies that didn’t seem so important at the time. I tell you though it is those intricacies that are the most important, because it is those that makes it real, that makes us human. 

I write in my free time anyway, so do take anything you read from me with a pinch of salt, I may be slightly prone to exaggeration. So to write what I am experiencing, how I am feeling, how those around me are coping, is not a task or chore for me. 

And if nobody reads it I shall have lost nothing. If somebody reads it today then maybe it will be enough to assure them that whatever they are feeling right now it is warranted. If somebody reads it in a hundred years time, Hi! How’s the future? Is it as crazy as my present day? 

But anyway, rambling aimlessly isn’t the point of this exercise. 

In case you weren’t already up to speed…

The world is in crisis. Covid-19 saw its first cases in China around December last year. It has spread worse than wildfire. It’s a respiratory flu virus that gives you a cough and a temperature. If you’re one of the unlucky ones it leads to pneumonia, which as I understand it is the cause of most of the deaths. 

Currently, China, Iran, Italy, Spain, and France are the main countries that I know are in full lockdown. Nobody is allowed out unless it is for food or as a ‘key worker’ so people that are vital like doctors or supermarket staff. There are videos circulating of people in these countries standing on their balconies and singing, giving applause to the doctors that are so selflessly and tirelessly working through this pandemic. This is the positive side of things. 

The negative side of things is much much worse. I am led to believe that as a result of the lockdown in some countries, people are stuck in houses with loved ones that have died, doctors in overwhelmed hospitals are being forced to choose between sick patients as to who they can treat and who they can’t. To put it in perspective, this hasn’t been done since World War Two. 

In England, things are getting worse. Two weeks ago people started panic buying in the shop… toilet paper of all things. I have seen and heard about so many families, NHS workers, and elderly people having to go without because other people suddenly decided there was going to be a supply shortage. Just to be clear, there was never going to be a shortage of anything vital. Not yet, anyway. 

At the moment the death rate in the UK is doubling roughly every four days. I’m not sure how many confirmed cases there are but the number of people being tested is minimal and I am sure there are many more cases than there are confirmed. 

There are two things that scare me right now. 

First, the overreaction of some people. How they have reacted by emptying the shelves of the shops, people hoarding hand sanitizer, and just generally having little to no common sense over the situation. People claiming that we’re all going to get sick and die when that isn’t the case at all. It is the old, the sick, and the vulnerable that are most at risk, and it is the people scaremongering that are making it all the worse. 

One person I know has had a mental breakdown as a result of a colleague scaremongering about what is going to happen. This level of stress won’t help my friend's immune system and puts her at even higher risk of getting sick. 

The second thing that scares me right now is how long is this going to go on for? We have no idea at the moment because so little is known about this virus. 

Maybe it’s not so much the timeline that scares me, but rather, what it means. You see, we’ve been told to do this thing called ‘social distancing’, no unnecessary contact with people. As of last night to aid in this the government forced the closure of all public spaces such as bars, clubs, restaurants, cafes, gyms, cinemas and so on. We’re not meant to go out and meet friends for a catch up. We’re not meant to go to work unless absolutely necessary, yet I know I’ll be in on Monday regardless. They’re saying that this could go on for twelve months. 

For twelve months I can’t see my four closest friends. 

Hell, it might be even longer before I get to see my two closest friends out of that group, both who are in the high risk category if they get sick. 

The thought of that alone fills me with absolute dread. Yes, I can talk to these people every day over the phone, online, or even through sharing memes. Not being able to physically see them though? It makes me all kinds of anxious for reasons that I can’t really explain. Talking online is not talking in person, and as someone who always has some catch up planned in the diary to suddenly have nothing between home and work is undoubtedly going to get me down very quickly. 

Life is undoubtedly going to change over the next few months. How I’m going to cope as this goes on we shall see. People keep saying to take one day at a time and be appreciative of the little things. Personally I don’t see it as quite that simple, I can’t help but look at the much bigger picture. But I’ll be sure to keep writing and updating, if nothing else then I’ll be able to look back in the future and remind myself that we got through this, no matter how bad it looked to start with.

[yeoldenews]

A sincere request from someone who has spent her entire adult life wishing people had kept better records…

In the coming weeks and months… RECORD WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Start a journal, take photos, keep a video diary, make a daily blog post, jot a few notes down in a day planner, whatever!

It is not very often that you can be certain that you’re living in a time that historians will study in detail.

The nightly news can tell us the facts, twitter can tell us the larger cultural trends, but no one can keep an accurate record of your daily life and honest thoughts during this crisis but you.

Are you scared to death? Write it down.

Are you still thinking this is being blown out of proportion? Write it down.

Are you still being forced to work and are pissed as hell about it? Write it down.

Did you see someone do something kind that made you smile? Write it down.

Is your grocery store completely out of toilet paper? Take a picture.

Is your normally bustling neighborhood eerily empty? Take a video.

Did you see a really funny plague joke on twitter? Write it down so you/your grandkids and/or future historians can have a laugh.

I have never successfully kept a journal in my entire life, but I’ve been keeping one since the 10th. Nothing fancy. Just a summary of my day in quarantine, what my family’s up to, today’s news and my current thoughts.

Even if it’s only for you to look back on this time honestly, without the bias of hindsight, you won’t regret doing it.

Future historians will thank you.

[diaryofscribbs]

This blog is going to start posting little diary entires inspired by this post. One small persons thoughts and feelings as the world goes through this crisis...

If nobody reads it I shall have lost nothing. If somebody reads it today then maybe it will be enough to assure them that whatever they are feeling right now it is warranted. If somebody reads it in a hundred years time, Hi! How’s the future? Is it as crazy as my present day? 

Input from others is always welcome. I think we need to share our stories and interact now more than ever!