Kink as a Coping Mechanism with ASPD
• I'll have to mention that this post contains content more suitable for 18+ audiences and while I can't stop minors from reading it, it is recommended to reach a certain level of emotional and physical maturity before you engage with kink
• the act of engaging with kink needs to be properly negotiated and its not something to do lightly, as scenes can be emotionally charged and physically demanding! I probably won't go too far into topics like aftercare, researching kinks before you try them and other etiquette, so please be aware that theres more to the topic and that you should be looking out for that.
• this post is also not meant to sexualize ASPD or claim we're all into kink or whatever! different people like different things!
• also kink doesn't inherently have to be sexual!
When you encounter posts about sex and ASPD, those are usually either dealing with risky sexual encounters being a way in which impulsivity can present in ASPD, or its posts written by the people who romanticize ASPD and claim that "psychopaths/sociopaths are all good in bed" and while I'll happily take the compliment, thats of course not inherently true.
What being good at sex means, is highly subjective and often comes down to confidence, communication and practise.
Something I have noticed, as a sort of "trend" though, is that many ASPDers I've talked to/seen posts of, express an interest in kink, be that practising it themselves, or being able to appreciate elements of it. This doesn't mean that liking kink is an ASPD symptom, far from it, but it does beg the question, as to what may be the reason for this interest.
The following reasons are of course, just my personal opinion and may not apply to everyone!
1. Finding comfort in something society deems "abnormal"
The types of comments that kink enthusiasts and people with personality disorders get from the larger part of society are actually pretty similar. Its often believed that kink relationships and encounters are by definition abusive and harmful, that its coercion, manipulation and/or simply "morally wrong". People with PDs also see themselves confronted with such sentiments regarding their symptoms & relationships and may find comfort and support in those communities because of that. Shared stigma can make you feel like you belong, like you're not abnormal and like you've found people who may understand what you're going trough at least a little bit. Theres also an enhanced understanding for "abnormal" desires, as kink shaming is largely frowned upon.
2. Being able to consensually act on urges & thoughts
Some people with ASPD have evergrowing desires, urges and thoughts to cause suffering to other people, be that emotionally or physically. This is rarely something that can be acted upon in ethical ways, but kink dynamics actually provide a clearly regulated space for such acts. The person receiving the emotional or physical pain has well defined boundaries in place, clear signals as to when they want to stop (safe words/gestures) and actually wants & enjoys the pain they're about to receive. This allows the person inflicting the pain, to not have to worry about being seen as a monster or a bad person. They can give their symptoms and desires an outlet that is valued and liked by both parties and don't have to hide who they are & what they want.
3. Giving away and taking control
The trauma that ASPD usually stems from, may have left the ASPDer with a need to stay in control at all times, or with problems giving the control away/ problems with feeling safe while they do so. Kink dynamics are often, tho not always about a power exchange and provide an environment in which ASPDers can meet their needs regarding this. An ASPDer that needs to be in control and thrives on having people do what they want and play by their rules, will find that submissive leaning partners may be a good fit. An ASPDer that hates their own need for control and/or really needs a break sometimes, but has problems letting go of said control, may benefit from this highly negotiated and thus pretty safe dynamic that a dominant partner could offer them.
K*nk dynamics and play sessions can intentionally be negotiated and build up to resemble situations, that have contributed towards the ASPDers trauma. They can use this to take back their power and live trough it again, but this time with the knowledge that they hold all the strings and that they can end this if they want to. Especially those who have gone trough sexual trauma, may tend to find this helpful sometimes, as they know they can trust their play partner to take care of them and respect their boundaries. Its also a great way to take controlled steps towards sexual encounters and touch overall, if the whole topic is triggering to a person (tho with this point, open clear communication is especially important).
5. Clear rules and expectations
It can sometimes be hard with ASPD to really tell what partners need, where their boundaries lie, how much you are allowed to jump over those at times, what type of consequences there are for which breach and so on. While this should absolutely be present in non kink relationships as well, the communication just really tends to be better and more clear in kink dynamics. For both or more parties, theres clear limits communicated, theres talks about whether they like having to take that control forcibly or whether they want it surrendered, theres possibly behavioral rules and encouragements, as well as a possible reward/punishment system. This can work great for some, to be more confident while they navigate a dynamic and to possibly get a space in which they learn new social skills and/or practise the ones they have in a safe environment.
6. "Ethically impossible" things are still talked about
Theres some kinks that one just cannot engage in without that being a criminal charge, even if both (or more) parties consent to it. Since those things are usually on the more "extreme" side of kinks, they are also topics that society doesn't want anyone to talk about and prohibits any mention of in many spaces. In kink communities though, you will often still find blogs, accounts and websites that let you write about your fantasies and find people who share the same desires as you. Its not demonized there as often, even if its illegal. Instead its treated as a valid thing to want and like, while still upholding consent and boundaries as the most important thing. Thats the type of vibe, we need, surrounding stigmatized topics and while the kink community isn't perfect, they do provide a pretty good example there and ASPDers can utilize those spaces to feel like they are surrounded by more likeminded people.
7. They can teach you respect and a regard for others
Its a known thing, that some ASPDers may struggle with respecting other peoples boundaries and having any type of regard for other peoples safety and feelings. Those things just often tend to clash with what the ASPDer wants and needs (or wanted/needed in the past). One should not engage in k*nk dynamics until one is 100% able to respect another persons boundaries and safe word (seriously, otherwise thats SA and/or ab*se), but spending time in online kink spaces and talking to people who participate in it, can teach you a lot about how you can get your needs met, while still respecting other people and their boundaries, as well as how to communicate your own needs and listen to the other person. Its simply an environment where thats very valued and where you can learn a lot about healthy relationship dynamics.
8. Submission as a form of impulse control
If you are an ASPDer that struggles with impulse control, following rules, keeping yourself safe, being resonsible, etc. having someone else enforce that, can be really helpful. The system can be developed in a way that fits your needs, but knowing that theres one more wall between you and whatever may ruin your life or hurt you, is a win. You slowly learn to regulate yourself, be that to receive rewards, or to avoid punishments, you learn to ask for help and communicate that you need them to step in, you learn to be more aware of the ways in which you casually impact yourself negatively and you have someone who works trough this with you in the exact way in which you require that.
• working on deepening a bond with trust & time
• learning to apologize and make up for things
• learning to go inwards and ask yourself what you want & don't want, what you value & don't value, etc.
• being more in tune with your feelings
• substituting other more dangerous habits
• finding ways to let go of immediate aggression and/or let it out
• rewalking development paths and relearning how you should have been treated
• practising accepting and giving comfort
• having an outlet for lies and manipulation within play and/or working on reducing that
Kink has a really big potential as a sort of coping mechanism and/or lifestyle choice when you have ASPD (or ofc also other trauma based conditions) as it provides learning opportunities and outlets for a lot of the issues that come with this condition.
It does require you to have a certain readiness to engage with what you're presented with though and it does require you to always make sure, that the other person is alright with whats happening. While kink can greatly help you, unhealthily/harmfully practised kink can increase issues and contribute towards worsening symptoms.
Thats why I said in the beginning, that its not something to engage lightly in. Sessions can reinforce your trauma, poorly negotiated kink can leave you with new trauma, you can cause irreversible physical and mental harm and so on! Communication, negotiation and a certain level of trust are pretty much mandatory in order to keep the dynamic healthy, but when it is, it can be a great balancing tool and method to confront, work through and redirect symptoms.
first posted on my instagram (same @)