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@divorcedat27
*********TW alcoholism***********
How thanksgiving prompted me to finally get a divorce.
It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The plan was that Wednesday to go out to dinner with my maternal grandma then my sister and I were going to spend time with a friend. Then Thursday Thanksgiving day we would have a thanksgiving lunch at my paternal grandma's house, before playing Dungeons and Dragons with some other friends.
So we are at dinner with my Maternal grandma(MG) and he is honestly being a huge dick to me. Just talking to me like I'm dumb making mean spirited jokes at my expense. And I can tell my grandma is getting uncomfortable. So I'm trying to subtly make faces at him to cool it and I can tell that is just pissing him off and he gets pretty quiet at the dinner.
My MG doesn't drive at night and lives about an hour away so she got a hotel room nearby where we went to dinner. So after dinner we walked her back to her hotel and we were chatting with her for a while in the hotel room. When my ex announces he will be going to smoke his second cigarette since we got there.
It was getting close to the time where we were ready to leave and my ex wasn't back yet. He had been gone for 15+ minutes which was longer than it took him to smoke a cigarette. So I was getting a little suspicious and finally decided to call him and tell him we were ready to leave. He says he's down in the lobby and my sister and I should meet him down there.
MG walks my sister and I downstairs and he is sitting at the hotel bar. MG makes a comment about him really needing a drink. And I feel so incredibly embarrassed. This isn't the first time his actions have embarrassed me. This isn't the first time his drinking has embarrassed me.
I had begged him to quit drinking countless times. He always insisted it wasn't a problem and he didn't need to quit. Always insisted he wasn't an alcoholic. Even though he would drink every single day. He worked at a bar and there was always an excuse to stay and drink.
There were even 2 separate instances where my sister came to me and begged me to leave him over his drinking and the way he would treat us. Especially the way he would treat us when he was drunk. I always insisted that him and I could work it out
As we are walking up to him at the bar he turns and acts like it's no big deal. Meanwhile I know I am sending daggers with my eyes. In my head I said "I just can't deal with this anymore. I can't let him embarrass me like this anymore."
In the car I already knew I was going to ask for a divorce but I also knew the next day was Thanksgiving. So I told myself let me get through Thanksgiving first and just acted like I was fine.
That night my sister and I still went to hang out with our friend and my ex of course went to the bar. When I came home he was drunk and he asked me if we were good because of the situation with MG. I knew I didn't want to work it out with him and that in 48 hours it really wouldn't matter so I told him we were good. I just needed to get through Thanksgiving.
So we went to bed like normal and the next day when he was too hungover to go to Thanksgiving lunch with my paternal grandma (PG) I didn't fight him on it. Originally I wasn't going to tell my sister that day because I didn't want Thanksgiving to be awkward. Once I knew he wasn't coming anymore my sister and I went outside, split a cigarette, and I told her.
Afterwards we went to Thanksgiving lunch like everything was normal. We had a good lunch with PG and while I was there he texted me apologizing and letting me know he was feeling better enough for Dungeons and Dragons that night. Because of course he was going to feel better enough to do something he enjoyed.
We left my PGs but didn't go straight home. Instead my sister and I parked and talked out the plan of me leaving. I cried and stressed about the whole thing. Couldn't believe I was getting divorced so young. Couldn't believe I had wasted so much of my youth. Couldn't believe I was really going to start over.
That night Dungeons and Dragons felt very melancholic. I knew even if any of these people were still my friend after everything that the game would never be the same. My sister and I were the only ones who got to know this would be the last session. I had to sit there knowing it was the last session of a game I had played for 6 years.
Anyway the next day I did finally tell him and I'll make another post in the future about that. But I think this was a long enough post and it was a bit difficult to write/relive.
First post alert!
*TW sexual abuse, grooming, financial abuse, emotional abuse*
Just going to start off with the reasons I decided to get divorced as well as some insight I have gained since leaving my soon to be ex-husband (stbx).
Reasons I left
He is an alcoholic and refused to get help or admit he had a problem. About a year ago I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. Instead of stopping he did it behind my back and would try to guilt me into letting him. Causing him to ruin my birthday.
The way he talked to my sister and I was not good. About 2 years ago my sister moved in with us to get out of our toxic parents home. While living with my stbx there were many instances where she would come to me about things he would say to her that just weren't ok. I realized he was treating her the same way he treated me and it wasn't ok. He always thought he was smarter and better than the both of us.
Things I have realized since then
He took advantage of my sister and I financially. He was in charge of our bills and after leaving him we realized he was charging us more for bills than what he was paying. This is while I was also assisting him with his credit card debt.
He groomed me and was sexually abusing me. He would constantly try and coerce me into doing things I had set clear boundaries about not wanting to do. Also guilting me when I wasn't in the mood. We met when I was only 18 and he was almost 25 and we were together so long this behavior had become normalized to me.
I told him I wanted a divorce in November and he finally moved out in January. I am doing much better now just trying to heal from everything he put me through.
*****TW sexual abuse******
To add onto the reasons I left. The SA was actually a lot worse than I had originally said. Lots of memories are coming back to me in parts and I'm seeing situations for how they actually were. He would touch me and do things to me while I slept. He also got off on peeing on me in the shower and acted like he just "forgot" I had asked him countless times to stop.
**********************TW SEXUAL ABUSE**************************************************************************************************************
Seriously this post might be rough if anyone is reading this please take care of yourself.
Gotta love when out of nowhere something triggers a memory you repressed. Realizing my ex was getting off on pissing on me without my consent. Like he wasn't just forgetting that I told him so many times not to pee while I'm in the shower. That he just couldn't accept that I wanted nothing to do with his piss kink when we talked about it. So he would just "forget" I asked him not to pee while I was in the shower. And it wasn't like he was just peeing right into the drain either. He really was just peeing on me and his behavior had been so normalized to me at that point.
I say out of nowhere but it has been kind of a long overwhelming weekend for me. Not bad but I am definitely still figuring out what triggers me. Also figuring out when I need to take a break when I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated.
Why is sex so complicated????
It's like when they abuse me and mistreat me the sex is bad for me but at least they are finishing and enjoying it. And I was conditioned to think that's what mattered, that's what I wanted. My brain thought as long as they enjoyed it we were having good sex. Now I'm with someone who wants ME to enjoy it and I am enjoying it in ways I didn't know were possible but still neither of us are finishing. Then I get in my head and just completely shut down. I feel like I'm just too much for anyone. Probably gonna be crazy and ruin this new relationship and that sucks but ig it is what it is. đŸ˜”
If you don't like someone's partner for a valid reason tell them!!!
Also if your friends/family don't like your partner hear them out. No one ever told me when I first got with my ex but everyone hated him! Over the years I eventually sensed my friends disdain for him but was at a loss for what to do about it. Now anyone I date in the future I will be asking for opinions from the people I care about/respect.
New Boyfriend
Today I plan on telling my new boyfriend about the divorce and I'm literally so nervous. Hope the conversation goes well đŸ˜
I chickened out that day but told him yesterday and he was honestly really sweet about it đŸ¥ºđŸ¥º
This a a reminder to not fall victim to the sunk-cost fallacy. Just because you invested time and energy into something, does not mean you should indefinitely waste more time and energy on it, if you decide it’s not what you want anymore. This goes for anything, from books, to relationships, to jobs, to hobbies, etc.
If it’s not serving you anymore, move on.
New Boyfriend
Today I plan on telling my new boyfriend about the divorce and I'm literally so nervous. Hope the conversation goes well đŸ˜
First post alert!
*TW sexual abuse, grooming, financial abuse, emotional abuse*
Just going to start off with the reasons I decided to get divorced as well as some insight I have gained since leaving my soon to be ex-husband (stbx).
Reasons I left
He is an alcoholic and refused to get help or admit he had a problem. About a year ago I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. Instead of stopping he did it behind my back and would try to guilt me into letting him. Causing him to ruin my birthday.
The way he talked to my sister and I was not good. About 2 years ago my sister moved in with us to get out of our toxic parents home. While living with my stbx there were many instances where she would come to me about things he would say to her that just weren't ok. I realized he was treating her the same way he treated me and it wasn't ok. He always thought he was smarter and better than the both of us.
Things I have realized since then
He took advantage of my sister and I financially. He was in charge of our bills and after leaving him we realized he was charging us more for bills than what he was paying. This is while I was also assisting him with his credit card debt.
He groomed me and was sexually abusing me. He would constantly try and coerce me into doing things I had set clear boundaries about not wanting to do. Also guilting me when I wasn't in the mood. We met when I was only 18 and he was almost 25 and we were together so long this behavior had become normalized to me.
I told him I wanted a divorce in November and he finally moved out in January. I am doing much better now just trying to heal from everything he put me through.