Kaminoan biology + evolution headcanons!

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@dominosquadup
Kaminoan biology + evolution headcanons!
You know, relationships are all about finding compromises that everyone’s happy with. <3
Luke might have some concerns about the Jedi’s relationship to violence and war. But he also grew up on Tatooine, where bar fights are the official sport. (You would be forgiven for believing the official sport is pod racing, but they only do those races to encourage more bar fights.)
thinking about the hardeen arc in clone wars again and could you imagine if it happened after Maul came back. like just think of the absolute galaxy-ending shit fit he would throw upon finding out that some random sniper killed Kenobi and not him
Not only would Anakin be after Hardeen, but Maul would be there too like “?? How dare you kill my nemesis?? Prepare to meet a fate worse than death??” Anakin and Maul would be murder buddies, is what I’m trying to say.
Good cop bad cop Space murdering tag team out to seek revenge over one local (gorgeous/perfect/immaculate) Jedi.
#Maul is the good cop—just to clarify here
I NEED THIS!
I NEED THIS SO FUCKING BAD!
Jesus imagine Obi-Wan being stuck undercover and dealing with the combination of “am I about to get killed for my own murder” and “Anakin is working with Darth Maul THIS IS NOT FINE”
Also the galaxy would never recover from the team of Maul and Anakin.
(Also I just thought of the implications. Like what if Maul decides to poach Palpatine’s new apprentice from him. Like spy and sneak and infiltrate and then pop in on Mustafar after Obi-Wan runs off all “hey Skywalker, stop sucking on that source of healing energy you’re about to kill your girlfriend, here, borrow some health from me instead” and then later “yeah, Palpatine was trying to make you kill your girl so you’d never forgive yourself and he’d own you attachment-free” “wife” “huh?” “wife not girlfriend” “gotcha. anyway let’s let him get you into this lifesupport suit and pretend to have an emotional breakdown and I’ll pop in later and we’ll kill him and I’ll teach you the Dark Side and we’ll rule the galaxy together” “okay”
MAUL AND ANAKIN BONDING OVER HOW MONUMENTALLY FUCKED UP THEY ARE AS PEOPLE. WORST BUDDY COP/ ROAD TRIP IN THE GALAXY.
Anakin strangling someone for information and maul having to step in like JEEZ tone it down a notch, info first THEN murder you absolute train wreck of a person
at a certain point Obi-Wan is just genuinely fleeing for his life
cad bane has dropped him because he’s ‘too much of a liability’ - there’s almost no chance of pulling off the original mission
‘if I actually die because of this i’m going to be SO MAD’ he thinks, narrowly backflipping out of a building an incoherently screeching Anakin collapsed on top of him only to run directly into incoherently screeching Maul
gets cornered and cannot keep up the fight while fully maintaining cover
can’t break cover cause fucking MAUL is there
force snatches his lightsaber back just to survive the fight and escape (because of course Anakin is carrying Obi-Wan’s lightsaber around)
Maul & Anakin: OH MY FORCE GODS HE’S A SITH THAT’S HOW HE WAS ABLE TO KILL OBI-WAN
Bane, watching from the shadows, reports this all to Dooku
Ironically, up until this point Dooku was convinced that Hardeen was Obi-Wan in disguise, as part of one of the Chancellor’s overly elaborate schemes to destroy Skywalker’s already tenuous grip on sanity
but NOW he’s convinced that Obi-Wan is actually dead because:
a) obviously if he was actually Kenobi he would have told Skywalker at this point (what with the very near murder and bane abandonment).
b) of course his master was training another apprentice.
c) of course the first thing he would have his apprentice do is kill Kenobi- so typical.
d) Sidious’ seemingly nonsensical scheme now makes sense- he wants Hardeen to eliminate Dooku, neatly clearing the board of all major players
Obi-Wan (bleeding) to council: we’ve GOTTA tell Anakin PLEASE
Council: Are you crazy? He’s working with a SITH lord! You are FORBIDDEN from telling him anything- just lay low for a bit.
(Obi-Wan is having a very bad time in this au)
Fortunately! After this Dooku directly contacts Hardeen to hire him, skipping the other applicants! So that’s good! Right!
Maul and Anakin deduce that Sidious must behind Obi-Wan’s death - Maul doesn’t know Palpatine’s identity but has a ton of clues so they end up side-questing to find the Sith Master because obviously Hardeen’s just a pawn
(They still wanna kill Hardeen tho)
yes this is a fix-it now
okay I have been thinking about this non. stop. and now I have IDEAS
First off, Obi-Wan takes a page from Qui-Gon’s book and finally starts ignoring the Council. (Obi-Wan is happy to die for a cause, especially something noble like peace or justice. This, however, is not a cause. This is a clusterfuck, and it’s one the Council threw Anakin into.) Whenever the council tries to check in, he says he’s busy. When he finally can’t avoid them he stays on the call for all of three seconds before he pretends that space dust is causing interference, oh dear, I suppose we won’t be able to have a nice long chat about how my apprentice teamed up with a Sith lord because of all of you. What? Me, stomping on the commlink? That must just be the space dust. Oh, well, goodbye, see you in a year or so.
Next on Obi-Wan’s agenda, tell Anakin that he’s alive so that Anakin doesn’t go teaming up with any more Sith Lords. This involves an extremely complex plan that hinges on three things: One, Anakin being easily led away from a partner, even when numbers would give him a clear leg up. (This, Obi-Wan isn’t worried about. Anakin is easily distractible. Especially when there’s lightsabers involved.) Two, Maul not following. (This will be a little more difficult, but he’s reasonably sure he can rig a trap for Maul. It shouldn’t be too hard to short out his ridiculous legs.) Three, no one else interfering. (Obi-Wan doesn’t even consider that this might be a problem. After all, who’s going to get in the middle of a bunch of force-users swinging lightsabers around? (I am sure that you are laughing, because I am laughing, because we know what’s about to happen. Poor, poor, Obi-Wan does not.))
Because Obi-Wan’s life is terrible (infinite sadness, everyone he loves is doomed, etc. we all know the drill) the plan does not go according to plan. (As many clever people through all of human history have pointed out, it’s a deeply bad idea to have a plan that relies on several things happening perfectly in short succession. This, however, is Star Wars, so not a single person, hero or villain, has ever gotten the message.)
Phase one, short out Maul’s legs, goes perfectly. Phase two, get Anakin away from Maul, also goes perfectly. Phase three, have no one interfere while Obi-Wan explains everything to Anakin, does not.
Why? Because oh, look, there’s another Sith who’s shown up to party! His name is Dooku, he’s wearing custom-designed space prada, and he’s ready to kill a bitch.
(For the record, this is all taking place in an abandoned factory that has star wars-typical non-OSHA catwalks over, let’s say… a radioactive sludge river? You know. For the drama.)
At this point you have: Obi-Wan, who is pretending to be Rako Hardeen, who Anakin, Maul, and Dooku all think is a secret Sith, Anakin, who is in theory still a Jedi, but who’s been around Maul long enough to start using the dark side liberally, Dooku, who is a fallen Jedi that some might consider a Sith and some might argue is just a fallen Jedi, and Maul, who was certainly at one point a Sith, but is now in a sort of grey area, all in one room.
Let me clarify that for you: You have, from a certain point a view, either four sith, no sith, or any number of sith in between all in the same room. And no one is quite sure what is going on. What they do know? They’re ready to get their murder on. (Except for Obi-Wan, of course, who dearly wants a nap. Poor thing. His life can and will still get worse.)
“Wait!” Obi-Wan says as all three debatably-Sith turn their blades on him. “I’m Obi-Wan!”
Anakin and Dooku, who would know that accent anywhere, both sigh deeply— in relief, and in utter exasperation. Maul, who may not know that accent, but certainly knows how to read a room, knows what to do: he lunges at Kenobi. Unfortunately for him, his legs are still… wobbly, and he trips and falls on his face. Cue Maul’s gay ‘KENOBIARGHH’ scream. Cue Dooku getting the hell out of there, but not without a lecture to Obi-Wan and Anakin about comportment and stupid plans. Cue Anakin trying to capture Dooku and it going badly.
In the end, Obi-Wan gains two things from this plan— Anakin back on his side and Maul sort of captured— and loses many more, not the least of which is his faith in his own ability to make plans. But he and Anakin are in the wide, wide, galaxy, all alone, with a Sith lord in tow, Anakin on the brink of Falling, and Dooku out to get them. Things couldn’t get much worse. (This is, dear reader, is Star Wars, so they absolutely will.)
discord convo from @willowcrowned and I:
as stated above and as per star wars laws this confrontation MUST take place on non-OSHA compliant catwalks, preferably inside a chemical warehouse. Thus, when Anakin does his dramatic robe drop it lands in radioactive sludge, igniting in a pillar of fire, symbolizing something while also looking SICK AS FUCK.
Obi-Wan and anakin are dueling it out over acid catwalks that should DEFINITELY HAVE BETTER RAILINGS BUT DO NOT.
Obi-Deen: “Wait! There’s something you don’t know!” Anakin: “No, There’s something you don’t know!”
Dooku steps out dramatically from a cloud of smoke, dropping his robe only for it to SHATTER below in an icy vat of space liquid nitrogen (AGAIN SUPER SYMBOLIC AND RAD). Unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, Dooku had landed shortly before, teaming up with Skywalker and Maul to eliminate the mutual sith threat, to everyone’s distaste, but ESPECIALLY Obi-Wan’s.
Obi-Deen, with Obi-Wan accent and Hardeen’s gravel: “For FUCKS sake Anakin, Dooku? Honestly, now you’re working with DOOKU?!” Anakin, blinking: “Wait…you…” Obi-Deen, muttering under his breath: “Two weeks. TWO WEEKS and he teams up with Maul and DOOKU. Unbelievable, Anakin, I don’t know why I try.” Anakin: Anakin: “Repeat That“ Dooku: “Come now, Skywalker, not getting cold feet are we?” Anakin: “Shut up, just SHUT UP a second! Hardeen tell me- tell me to do my laundry!” Dooku: and…he’s lost it. wonderful. Obi-Deen: “I can already TELL its far too late for that- I can smell your atrocious leather pants over the sulfuric acid. Honestly Anakin, how many times must I tell you, you do have to wash those.” Anakin, gesturing dramatically with lightsaber while a pillar of acid erupts nearby: “They’re LEATHER you don’t have to wash LEATHER” Obi-Deen, shouting over wailing alarms as a fire suppression system activates, smoke swirling: “Yes, yes DO- COLD WATER, COLD WATER, ANAKIN! I EVEN BOUGHT YOU THAT SPECIAL SOAP!” Anakin: “IT SMELLS WEIRD”
Dooku: Dooku: what have i waked in on
Dooku, outloud: “Skywalker, I take it you… know this lowlife.” Anakin, hysterical: “I THOUGHT I DID BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG” Obi-Deen, also hysterical: “Yes, I’m the lowlife here”
EVENTUALLY, FAR, FAR LONGER THAN IT SHOULD TAKE DOOKU: “Unbelievable.”
Obi-Deen: ”Yes, well-” Dooku: “Unbelievable, then this entire plan…this cunning plan that my master devised…was, in truth, created for the sole purpose of upsetting SKYWALKER. I- does he KNOW how much time i’ve WASTED on this nonsense. How much MONEY.” Obi-Deen: “…I’m sorry, what?” Dooku: “CAD BANE does NOT come cheap, he must know that.” Obi-Deen: “What was that about Anakin?”
enter Maul: “KENOBIARGHH” Maul: falls over inadequate railings, lands robot feet first in acid, begins slowly melting.
Obi-Deen: “Oh. No…” Anakin, who’s bonded at this point: “We have to save him!” Obi-Deen: “…Really?” Anakin: “We can’t just let him die! That would be as good as murder! It’s not the Jedi Way!” Obi-Deen: Obi-Deen: “Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME”
Hello, have a terrible meme
The objectively funniest possible way for Darth Vader to have perceived Ahsoka getting yoinked into the portal at Malachor is for her to disappear into thin air. One second he's swinging his lightsaber at her, the next she's gone. He has no idea what happened. Is she dead? Did he somehow vaporize his Padawan former apprentice? He can't feel her presence in the Force anymore, so he decides that must be it.
But over the next few years, he notices a few...anomalies. Little things. Nothing certain, but the evidence is there and he knows Ahsoka's work when he sees it - there can't be that many orange Togrutas with blue and white montrals running black ops against the Empire. Somewhere, somehow, she's alive. The Force hums in agreement.
The A New Hope happens. He swings his lightsaber at Kenobi and the old man disappears into thin air.
Vader has seen this trick before. He won't be fooled by it twice.
His suspicions are confirmed when he senses his old master's presence guiding the boy who destroyed the Death Star: Obi-Wan Kenobi is still alive.
And the old traitor never taught Anakin how to teleport, even though he clearly took the time to teach Ahsoka!
Vader seethes with unimaginable rage.
Do you ever just remember the fact that Mace Windu is canonically a girl-dad, and just giggle to yourself? Cause I'm currently in near hysterics at the thought of young Knight Mace trying to help baby Padawan Depa do her hair, and just "That's not how the Creche Masters did it..." "I know how to deal with texture, not length. So we're going to have to learn this together."
The worst characters are the ones were you only get like three pieces of lore about them but the lore is so fascinating and hits your brain at just the right angle to have you behaving like a feral dog in front of your conspiracy theory cork board
i think it would be really funny if Rex and Cody never reconnected after Order 66 but Cody did go to Tatooine and live with Obi-Wan because it means the way Rex finds out Cody survived would be through Luke
Luke meeting Rex and being like “woah you look like Cody!!” and Rex is SO fucking flabbergasted. “YOU KNOW CODY??!”
and then Luke goes onto explain that, yeah, he knows Cody!! he babysat him when Cody’s husband went out of town. and that is how Rex finds out Obi-Wan and Cody got together after the war
The Grand Inquisitor: *talking about Ezra* Is that your kid?
Kanan: No, that would be weird.
Grand Inquisitor: It’s weirder if it’s not your kid.
Zeb is such a great character. On one hand, he's a genocide survivor and feels immense guilt over apparently failing in his role as Captain of the Honor Guard , but on the other, he regularly throws hands with a teenager and thinks that calling Chopper "Shopper" is the pinnacle of comedy.
he's a monstrous heartless villain to YOU. he's a pinup girl to me
an understanding
happy mace windu appreciation day! i painted my favourite clone wars au: mace befriends the zillo beast after it eats the chancellor, and they go on adventures in the outer rim looking for a place for the zillo beast to live
ᴋᴀɴᴇʀᴀ + ʟʏʀɪᴄs 03/?? » wait by m83
SET YOUR DREAMS WHERE NOBODY HIDES GIVE YOUR TEARS TO THE TIDE
JEDI NIGHT & DUME aired February 19th, 2018. Remembering Kanan one year later.💔
okay but seriously the clones are terrifyingly competent soldiers.
They are trained from birth by some of the most skilled people in the galaxy. They have a huge budget so there’s no lack of equipment. They also have the technology to do simulations more realistic than anything we could possibly imagine in the real world. And the clones are trained for ten years, day in, day out, no breaks, no days off, no vacations. Just training.
AND there’s also flash training, where they just get concepts and facts and figures and muscle memory pumped straight into their brains by Magic Space Tech. AND they’re genetically engineered to learn faster, learn better, and retain knowledge and skills perfectly. And they train for TEN YEARS.
Let’s do a real-world comparison with some real-life elite troops. Like the Navy SEALS. Those are pretty elite. How much training do you have to go through to become a navy seal? According to wikipedia, after bootcamp (7 weeks), there’s Naval Special Warfare Preparatory School (8 weeks), then Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL training (24 weeks), Parachute Jump School (3 weeks), then SEAL Qualification Training (26 weeks), after which you get assigned to a SEAL team. Then, you cycle though deployments, and when you’re not deployed, you’re doing one of three 6-month blocks of further training. But you’re already a SEAL by that point.
So, total amount of training to become a SEAL and get deployed (i’m not going to count the 18 month training blocks after you become a SEAL because clone troopers also presumably spend time training after they’re deployed): 68 weeks of training, or 17 months. Or about 1.5 years. I know precisely jack shit about military careers, but i’m guessing most navy SEALs didn’t just speedrun the whole process, and probably interspersed some of the steps with regular Navy deployments while doing push-ups wearing scuba fins in their free time or something.
BUT clone troopers don’t spend time on regular deployments in between training, at least not while they’re growing up. They absolutely do speedrun their training, and essentially spend a decade straight in intensive training courses. During which they learn faster, retain better, pack on muscle mass faster, ingrain muscle memory faster, and remember better than regular humans, AND have knowledge and skills directly downloaded into their brains like Neo learning kung-fu in The Matrix. And these super-human brainiacs train for OVER SIX TIMES AS LONG as the US’s most elite force.
Fellas, we were ROBBED. Star Wars did an absolute SHIT job of showing how terrifyingly competent and unnaturally skilled the clones should be. Even Domino Squad would easily tear their way through a SEAL team. Even with Fives being a clumsy dipshit. An “incompetent” or “failed” clone would still likely be miles above the most highly-skilled military badass the real world can produce. Like, come ON, star wars. You had a real opportunity here. You coulda shown us WHY the whole galaxy was terrified of clone troopers, and WHY they were so much better than battle droids, and WHY an army of millions was unquestionably superior to the alternative, i.e. the Republic drafting it’s own civilians and forming a regular army of TRILLIONS. And how DESPITE the fact that they were Technology’s Perfect Killing Machines, they were still so achingly human. And young. And also i think it would be hilarious to watch Shiny!Fives parkour his way up an exploding building, dodging canon fire, take down six commando droids like he’s Jason Bourne, and then trip over his own feet and faceplant. star wars PLEASE. DAVID. i am BEGGING
You’re right, and let me add:
Star Wars visual media doesn’t do the clones justice in this way partly because it also doesn’t do all that much justice to how insanely powerful the Jedi are. Jedi are one in two-three-four million for a reason, even the ones from human races in the galaxy are superhuman to a ridiculous extent. The Legends CANON list of Force abilities (I don’t give a heck what Disney says, creative use of the Force is a right and a privilege and we should all be going completely batshit) isn’t just limited to basic telepathy and telekinesis - Jedi are stronger, faster, smarter, more agile than they would normally be even without their lifetimes of training, AND they have a whole range of crazy Force shenanigans at their disposal.
And clones were specifically created TO KEEP UP WITH JEDI GENERALS AND COMMANDERS.
They are literally THE MOST OP HUMANOID RACE IN THE FRANCHISE and they’re mostly TEENAGERS.
WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS???
We do get a glimpse of this in Karen Traviss’s RepComm books. I hate KT’s take on the Jedi, but I love her take on the clones. She really does write them as hyper-competent at almost everything they do - so competent they actually scare their own training instructors sometimes.
In the first novel, Hard Contact, a single squad of four Republic commandos are deployed to deal with a Separatist bioweapons facility guarded by hordes of droids, militia thugs, and a Mandalorian warlord. Four of them against maybe a thousand opponents or more, plus hostile wildlife that keeps trying to eat them, locals that sell them out - oh, and their landing shuttle crashed, so several of them are walking off broken bones, they lost most of their equipment, and the enemy know they’re there and are hunting them with speeder bikes and fliers. And they still manage to be insanely badass. It’s really worth reading the books just for the clones (ignore the Jedi stuff, it’s bad).
And if you’re wondering how Boba Fett could become the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy, it’s because he went through the same training too. Jango trained both the Alpha-ARCs and Boba, and he trained Boba more.
Temuera Morrison is such a beautiful man whose face was done so dirty by TCW and I can't get over it
you want to die by his hand so bad it makes you look stupid
if anyone's ever curious why i gave maul a clone it's basically just that i think maul would be the most obnoxious clone haver ever
something something wrath of darth maul "oh, poor maul, all he ever wanted was a friend", something something maul's bone-deep love for his family that he nevertheless cannot bring himself to express in an organic or healthy way, something something sidious being very deliberate about making maul fear being replaced; then sidious lets maul know he cloned him, and maul knows damn well sidious did it to fuck with him, but even so he can't help but
Why do I adore the idea of Ahsoka going… not feral, really, but very laddette, I guess? Halfway between space and soldier as she gets older, being the kind of person to kick up her feet on the table as she drinks a stein of Something, laughing and swearing with the best of them, cocksure and so used to death that she doesn’t heed it anymore.
Just. Ahsoka who spent years having hundreds of brothers, all of whom were dead set on teaching her Questionable Life Skills and all the worst words.