The best you ever had

Mac died the day after my sister don’t ask me how I’m doing

[dontthinkineedyou]

I now separate the phases of my life by:

Before you died

&

After you died

-DR 4/12/2025 (I suppose I have found the saddest part)

[dontthinkineedyou]

I still search for you in the faces of strangers, my mind refuses to accept the fact you’re gone but it’s like my heart fails to accept it so instead I carry you with me underneath the crushing weight of grief and loss and the weight of a world without you feels too much to phantom so instead I look for you still in hopes that you’ll send me a sign you’re not as far away as you feel and maybe it’s insanity but it’s the only comfort I’ve found without you

-DR 2/24/2025 (random thoughts I’ve spilled onto the pages of my journal since you died.)

[dontthinkineedyou]

I have a reoccurring dream,

The sun is casting a hazey orange glow at the end of the longest and coldest summer i have even known,

It is quiet, not because the room is filled with muted noise, but from absence of being(s),

It’s all white room, with all white walls, but so dim lit you could barely tell

I’ve been here before, but it wasn’t so comfortable at first, but somehow it’s as if the cool crispy air is something I’ve grown accustomed too..

I sit down I know if I walk I’ll walk forever in the room will never end,

tapping my fingers on the floor, I know I can’t do anything but wait now

I’ve tried to run, I’ve tried to cry, and scream, and plea, and bargain with whatever god claims to exist,

But it never brings you back to me

oblivion,

acceptance

-D.R. (It’s been almost 7 years you’ve been gone and this is the closest I’ll ever be to acceptance, waiting for your return, although I know it will never come, so I sit beside the front door and wait and wait and wait for you to come rushing in like you would when you couldn’t find your keys and you were running late but i know I’ll never see you again and I don’t want to be okay with that truth, ever, so instead I wait and it is the saddest wait I have ever waited because it never ends i am always waiting for you)

[dontthinkineedyou]

The saddest moment of my life wasn’t the day you left this earth, but the day that I realized that you were never coming back-

And it was that day I realized that never coming back meant you had taken the love you once had for me with you for good-

and that meant.. I was entirely alone..

And the safest day of my life was the day I realized I was stuck in a world that I had poured so much love and life into.. and yet the only person who loved me the way I loved everyone, no longer existed and that meant there was no love left for me here

-D.R. (And before that realization came I use to love Fridays, I mean who doesn’t? It’s weird how much love grief has somehow managed to take away from me like it didn’t just stop with you)

[dontthinkineedyou]

In another dimension you never had to say goodbye, you go to treatment, you believe in yourself the way I always believed in you, & you navigate sobriety.

In another dimension my kids grow up visiting you on weekends, the cousins don’t all live together, and we both have learned how to balance our roles as mothers & aunties along side one another.

In another dimension I call you on a random Tuesday to ask you how to make chicken the way our nana use to & you still answer, you tell me again, and then we laugh about all of the things I never seem to remember.

In another dimension I’m not angry at the world,

I never become heartless,

and grief is a stranger to me & our father & all of our children,

I still sing you happy birthday every October, and you wake me up at midnight every April, our traditions from childhood grow old, and we keep every pinky promise we ever made.

In another dimension it’s 75 degrees outside, you’re driving a little bit faster then you should be the same way you always would whenever it started getting warm outside again, we’re both singing along to the radio, & I thank you for being my older sister and my best friend.

That’s what I want to believe at least, even if it’s not true

that somewhere in another dimension there’s a version of me that never has to lose you. Somewhere out there between time and space there’s a me and a you, and they never have to say goodbye

-D.R. ((((You’re never coming back and I’m still learning how to be okay with that.)))

[dontthinkineedyou]

In another dimension you never had to say goodbye, you go to treatment, you believe in yourself the way I always believed in you, & you navigate sobriety.

In another dimension my kids grow up visiting you on weekends, the cousins don’t all live together, and we both have learned how to balance our roles as mothers & aunties along side one another.

In another dimension I call you on a random Tuesday to ask you how to make chicken the way our nana use to & you still answer, you tell me again, and then we laugh about all of the things I never seem to remember.

In another dimension I’m not angry at the world,

I never become heartless,

and grief is a stranger to me & our father & all of our children,

I still sing you happy birthday every October, and you wake me up at midnight every April, our traditions from childhood grow old, and we keep every pinky promise we ever made.

In another dimension it’s 75 degrees outside, you’re driving a little bit faster then you should be the same way you always would whenever it started getting warm outside again, we’re both singing along to the radio, & I thank you for being my older sister and my best friend.

That’s what I want to believe at least, even if it’s not true

that somewhere in another dimension there’s a version of me that never has to lose you. Somewhere out there between time and space there’s a me and a you, and they never have to say goodbye

-D.R. ((((You’re never coming back and I’m still learning how to be okay with that.)))

[dontthinkineedyou]

I lost myself trying to love you, and the saddest part was you loved every moment of it.

-DR 11.02.2022 // you tried to make me hate myself but in the end the only person I hated was you, I would never want to be “your type”

[su-n-s-e-t]

[glowcowboy]

hi everyone. does anybody else miss something they can never return to. anyone else being swallowed whole by grief. anyone else clinging to love as a life preserver

[thatsamebookishh0e-deactivated2]

Every day, I feel less and less like a person

And more like a dark, hollow void

Taking up space in the woman

You once loved

The Diary of River // November 4, 2023

[dontthinkineedyou]

A few years after you died I found comfort in no longer fearing death, because dying would mean being with you again.

But what if there is no heaven, and no hell

What if I never make it to you?

What if on every realm of time and space out time together has concluded.. please don’t tell me this was the ending and neither of us even knew

-DR (11/26/2023 I dont know how to live without you but I’m afraid to die without you and I’m even more afraid that this could be it, what if I learned all I was suppose too from you and now you’re gone and I never get to say thank you? What if I never get to tell you?

[thewildchild13915]

Sibling grief is weird.

With sibling grief you're grieving more than just the loss of your sibling.

You're grieving the life you had before you lost your sibling.

You're grieving the loss of who your parents were before your sibling died

You're grieving the loss of the future you'd prepared for

You're grieving the loss of the family unit as you'd known it

You're grieving the loss of who you were before they died

You're grieving the loss of your best friend

Before my brother died, I had plans for how the future would be. Family holidays with our kids, major life events being celebrated together, family vacations, so many memories to be made.

All of those were lost when he died. An entire future full of plans just.... Gone.

Finished.

Now I'm only left with the haunting visions of watching him go, with the sounds of our parents sobbing and begging for this to not be happening, with hearing the love of his life begging for more time and promising to make the rest of his life everything we'd always dreamed for him, with remembering both the feeling of his warm hands AND the feeling of his lifeless, cold hands.

Before my brother died, our parents were mostly happy.

Parents change after the loss of a child, regardless of the age of said child. That change can go 1 of 2 ways and it is usually to the extreme of whichever way they go.

Way 1: they're going to be extremely clingy with their remaining child(ren). They will want them close.

Or

Way 2: they're going to become extremely distant with their remaining child (ren).

My mom quietly went with way 1. She tries to not show it, but I know it. She still has her moments where she's distant, but she won't even entrain the idea of us being far away from her. She wants all of us near her.

My dad went with way 2. I've always felt like my dad absolutely hated me. There was no proud father moment when I got married, no "you look beautiful" comments, or any heart touching moments really. It's always been he was there, but quietly wondering how quickly he could leave. Sure there were moments when he really came through and made me feel like he cared. I can't say there weren't ANY.

But after losing my brother, I feel like I completely lost my dad. He barely acknowledges I'm there, he flat out ignores me when I say "I love you", but he will say it to everyone around me, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he does NOT want to be wherever I am. In my heart I feel that he believes the wrong child died and that it should've been me. I have never felt like more of a burden than I do now.

Before my brother died, my mom always told us "nurture your relationship with each other because when your dad and I are gone, you're only going to have each other". That was the future I'd prepared for. Now, when my parents are gone I will be alone. I'll have no one to grieve that loss with. Our future was supposed to be long and fruitful, with so many memories to be made... I was not prepared for the future I'm going to have.

Before my brother died, we were a family of 4. He was my big brother. Sure our family expanded as we got older. We had significant others and kids, but our family unit was 4. Now, it's only 3.

I'm no longer the little sister.

I'm the surviving sister.

Before my brother died, I was happy. Sure I dealt with some mental health issues, but he always helped to keep my grounded. He was who I called when I felt like I was losing my grip. He was my rock. He was my best friend. He always made sure I was ok, that his nieces and nephews were ok, that everyone had what they needed. He was my go-to person for everything.

I used to get so irritated because he'd always call me when bad weather was moving in. He'd give me all these instructions on things I needed to do to be prepared, he'd make sure I was making sure the kids had everything they needed.. it could be so exhausting sometimes.

God how I miss those phone calls.

Now that he's gone I find myself riddled with anxiety and anger. I have no idea who I am anymore because I do not feel like me anymore. I feel like a part of me went with him. The strong part went with him.

Now that he's gone I feel so alone, even with the rest of my family right beside me.

I try to grieve quietly. I try to do it alone as much as possible so that it doesn't make those around me sad.

Sibling grief is weird..

It's lonely

Unless you are the surviving sibling, you could never understand.

[dontthinkineedyou]

But god, oh god why did you give me a such a pure & fragile heart and a life full of nothing but people that destroy me.

-DR (04.09.2023 I’m always the one that cares more, I’m always the one that sees the best in people with no good sides why do I make homes here)

[dontthinkineedyou]

It’s the way your life had ended but mine kept ending over and over again, as I watched hopelessly as the entire earth kept spinning seemingly without either one of us.

in a way I guess my life did end, the one that I had always known, the one with you in it.

But I was still alive and perhaps that was the worse part.. knowing I had to step forward into a new life, one where you no longer existed.

-DR 03.26.2023 (it took me years to begin to process the grief of losing my sister and some days I still can’t breathe I wish you never had to leave I miss you so much it hurts)

[dontthinkineedyou]

I wonder if there’s another version of us, somewhere in some other dimension, that made it. Id like to think somewhere in time and space you & I are able to coexist as beautifully as we once did in this lifetime. That somewhere part of my soul wasn’t forced to leave you behind

-DR 02.10.23 (maybe we were destined to say goodbye but I don’t wanna believe it)

[dontthinkineedyou]

One minute you're In the middle of something, and the next it's all a very long time ago and you're a different person and none of it is coming back. I don't like how endings in life come on so suddenly, & they never make much sense. I hate that part about life, why can’t we go back? Sometimes we need to go back

-DR (01.18.2023) time causes all wounds

[dontthinkineedyou]

Im starting to forget what it was like back when I still loved you & you still loved me. I hope I forget the emptiness one day as well

-DR (01.17.2023) bittersweet