With sibling grief you're grieving more than just the loss of your sibling.
You're grieving the life you had before you lost your sibling.
You're grieving the loss of who your parents were before your sibling died
You're grieving the loss of the future you'd prepared for
You're grieving the loss of the family unit as you'd known it
You're grieving the loss of who you were before they died
You're grieving the loss of your best friend
Before my brother died, I had plans for how the future would be. Family holidays with our kids, major life events being celebrated together, family vacations, so many memories to be made.
All of those were lost when he died. An entire future full of plans just.... Gone.
Now I'm only left with the haunting visions of watching him go, with the sounds of our parents sobbing and begging for this to not be happening, with hearing the love of his life begging for more time and promising to make the rest of his life everything we'd always dreamed for him, with remembering both the feeling of his warm hands AND the feeling of his lifeless, cold hands.
Before my brother died, our parents were mostly happy.
Parents change after the loss of a child, regardless of the age of said child. That change can go 1 of 2 ways and it is usually to the extreme of whichever way they go.
Way 1: they're going to be extremely clingy with their remaining child(ren). They will want them close.
Way 2: they're going to become extremely distant with their remaining child (ren).
My mom quietly went with way 1. She tries to not show it, but I know it. She still has her moments where she's distant, but she won't even entrain the idea of us being far away from her. She wants all of us near her.
My dad went with way 2. I've always felt like my dad absolutely hated me. There was no proud father moment when I got married, no "you look beautiful" comments, or any heart touching moments really. It's always been he was there, but quietly wondering how quickly he could leave. Sure there were moments when he really came through and made me feel like he cared. I can't say there weren't ANY.
But after losing my brother, I feel like I completely lost my dad. He barely acknowledges I'm there, he flat out ignores me when I say "I love you", but he will say it to everyone around me, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he does NOT want to be wherever I am. In my heart I feel that he believes the wrong child died and that it should've been me. I have never felt like more of a burden than I do now.
Before my brother died, my mom always told us "nurture your relationship with each other because when your dad and I are gone, you're only going to have each other". That was the future I'd prepared for. Now, when my parents are gone I will be alone. I'll have no one to grieve that loss with. Our future was supposed to be long and fruitful, with so many memories to be made... I was not prepared for the future I'm going to have.
Before my brother died, we were a family of 4. He was my big brother. Sure our family expanded as we got older. We had significant others and kids, but our family unit was 4. Now, it's only 3.
I'm no longer the little sister.
I'm the surviving sister.
Before my brother died, I was happy. Sure I dealt with some mental health issues, but he always helped to keep my grounded. He was who I called when I felt like I was losing my grip. He was my rock. He was my best friend. He always made sure I was ok, that his nieces and nephews were ok, that everyone had what they needed. He was my go-to person for everything.
I used to get so irritated because he'd always call me when bad weather was moving in. He'd give me all these instructions on things I needed to do to be prepared, he'd make sure I was making sure the kids had everything they needed.. it could be so exhausting sometimes.
God how I miss those phone calls.
Now that he's gone I find myself riddled with anxiety and anger. I have no idea who I am anymore because I do not feel like me anymore. I feel like a part of me went with him. The strong part went with him.
Now that he's gone I feel so alone, even with the rest of my family right beside me.
I try to grieve quietly. I try to do it alone as much as possible so that it doesn't make those around me sad.
Unless you are the surviving sibling, you could never understand.
