a/n basically what I think Genya should've done because my girl deserved her revenge. A proper revenge. Let me know what you think!
Warning: mentions of sexual assault, King Pyotr, violence, maybe? I'm not sure what else
The Darkling was her last resort. If he couldn't help, she wasn't sure what else to do.
Genya ran across the palace grounds. He was her only hope. Her guide. She needed to see him before the memories caught up to her. She used the entrance leading directly to the war room, her hands trembling as she approached the oprichnik, following him inside.
Thinking about it made her feel digusted and ashamed. The words she wanted to say choked her. Tears fell, and though she fought to maintain her composure, sobs broke free. The Darkling guided her to the table, handing her a glass of water. The condensation running down the glass was enough to help her focus.
Genya spilled her story, avoiding his gaze. She didn't want to know what he thought.
"I don't want to wear this anymore," Genya said, referring to her kefta. It used to fill her with pride to wear it, because it meant she truly belonged. Now, both the colour and the clothing made her want to burn it all down. "It's a servant's uniform."
"It's a solider's uniform." Genya met his gaze, her vision blurry with unshed tears. She didn't want to disagree with him, even though he was wrong.
"If you tell me you cannot bear this, then I will send you from here and you need never to wear those colours or walk the halls of the Grand Palace again. You will be safe, I promise you that." Genya knew he was speaking the truth. The Darkling was known for ensuring protection and safety. And she longed to accept that offer.
Run away, Genya. Far, far away. Leave behind this life and start anew where you don't have to worry about old kings and wandering hands or foolish queens who couldn't save you.
"But I can promise you this, too. You are a solider. You could be my greatest soldier. And if you stay, if you can endure this, one day, all will know it. Do you know the King once cut himself on his own sword?" That drew a laugh out of her.
"He did?"
"He wears it constantly. He forgets it's not a toy by his side, but a weapon. I can promise you safety. Or I can promise to see your suffering repaid a thousandfold. You decide, Genya."
Her feet ached for her to run. The Darkling would help her. But a part of her stilled. She wasn't the first to catch the king's eye, nor would she be the last. And what about all those other houses, with noble men behaving however they wanted? Running away would mean letting them all go unpunished. If she stayed, if she took her fate into her own hands, it will offer hope to countless other girls and boys who were subjected to unwanted attention.
She wiped her tears, raising her chin with a stubborn tilt. Anger gleamed in her eyes.
"I know what to do," she whispered. She thanked her general, her mind formulating a plan.
---
Queen Tatiana used to treasure Genya. She had been given to the queen, and thus, under her protection. Genya enjoyed the attention she received from Tatiana, the way the other ladies praised her looks and talent.
She was spoiled on candied plums and cherries and walks around the garden. Soon, Genya looked up to Tatiana not as a queen, but as a mother. Until she got older.
The queen slipped away from her, growing more bitter. Genya wasn't sure when a distance formed between the two. She would called Genya a "pretty thing", but it was no longer a compliment.
It was a sign of what was to come. And when her husband turned his eyes onto Genya, when his hands wandered down her body, when his wet lips grazed her skin, Genya thought the queen would save her. After all, as her servant, Tatiana was supposed to protect her, to shelter her from her husband.
"A lack of gratitude is unbecoming in a servant. You should wear the jewels my husband gives you." Genya met the queen's cold eyes, bile rising in her throat. She knew. She knew all along what would happen. She knew the type of man her husband was, but still acted innocent.
Genya had wanted to rip the woman to shreds. She wanted to slam the mirror down and use its shards to carve out her face. The queen had failed not only Genya, but countless other servants as well.
And she would never forgive her for that.
----
Everyone always underestimated Genya. She wasn't just a Tailor, adjusting people's looks until they shone. Her abilities were also part of the Materialki Order.
And she used that knowledge of an Alkemi, working endlessly to create a poison that wouldn't harm her.
It started with small doses. She coated her skin and lips and waited for when King Pyotr would visit her. Her mind wandered to the meeting with the Darkling and his promise to her. She would be a soldier. She would be the beacon of hope for others.
And when Pytor was gone, Genya slid into a tub filled with hot water, letting it burn his touch.
Poison wasn't enough. Though it began to eat away at the king, confining him to his bed, Genya wanted more. She craved to see him in pain.
When Pyotr was in a delirious state, she would slip into his chambers. With no way of pointing her as the one who did it, Genya let flames lick his fingers, searing the flesh that had caused her so much horror. She vanished before the guards could arrive at the king's screams.
The poison was eating him away on the inside. His hands were burnt beyond repair. That wasn't enough. She created a more lethal poision, coating a blade with it. Once more, she slipped inside. And struck him in the place that caused her so much pain.
No one knew if the king would live. Genya was one of many waiting for his death.
She eyed her new kefta, red like the Heartrenders but with blue embroidery. She enjoyed this more than her old white and gold kefta. This marked her as a soldier.
----
Somehow, the king still lived. Genya's anger flared. All her hard work, the poison, the fire, the dismemberment of his...and he still lived?
Alina joined her side. Her anger faded to mild annoyance. Though she cared for Alina, she couldn't stand her friend anymore. Acting as a spy for the Darkling started out well, until she learned that Alina barely understood the problems Grisha faced.
The bloody fool gasped when he saw Genya. Scars covered her face. One eye was hidden by an eye patch. When the Nichevo'ya attacked, they had accidentally attacked her. Though thinking about it brought her pain, the scars were her armour. They were a reminder of what her beauty had brought. They were a reminder of what she has done and will continue to do.
"This is the price she paid for saving me. For defying the Darkling." Genya didn't bother correcting Alina. Where the latter was concerned, the Darkling was the problem. How could she tell her otherwise when Alina jumped to foolish conclusions? Even after everythign she saw, Alina placed the entire blame on the Darkling, as if the General hadn't been fighting for centuries to ensure a change would happen.
"She is a traitor to the crown. I want her head."
"And I want your blood to spill. I will only take my punishment if he takes his," Genya said, turning to face Nikolai.
"You will stay silent among your betters!" Genya turned her gaze back on the king, enjoying the way he flinched.
"I have no betters here. If he cannot be tried for his failures as a king, let him be tried for his failures as a man. And not just him." This time, Genya turned her attention to Tatiana, standing beside Pyotr. How she could stand his presence, Genya did not understand.
"You ungrateful whore-"
"That's enough," Nikolai said. "Both of you." Genya sniffed. She didn't know if Nikolai could be trusted. Would he punish the man who wasn't really his father? Or would he let him walk free?
"I am Ravka's King. I will not-"
"You are a King without a throne. And I respectfully ask that you hold your tongue."
"Genya Safin, you are accused of treason and attempted murder."
"It wasn't supposed to be attempted."
"Genya-"
'No, Alina. He should have died. I coated my skin and lips with poison so that he would ingest it. Once it built up in his system, his organs were supposed to fail. It steals years away. I burnt his hands and I took away his manhood. All of this should have been enough to kill him. Yet, he still stands." The coldness in Genya's voice surprised Alina, she could tell. But that wasn't important right now.
"I had to purge it from my skin, then heal the burns the lye would leave. It was worth it."
"Did he force you?" Genya nodded once. She waited for Nikolai's judgment. She met David's gaze over the prince's shoulder. He might not be able to express his emotions well, but even she could see the horror he felt. He nodded once and she smiled, a quick, brief thing. He was on her side. That was all she needed.
After a long moment, Nikolai said, “Genya Safin, when this war is over,
you will stand trial for high treason against this kingdom and for colluding with the Darkling against the crown. Father, you are ill. You have served the crown and the people of Ravka, and now it is time for you to take the rest you deserve. Tonight, you will write out a letter of abdication.
"You will write the letter, and tomorrow you will leave on the Kingfisher. It will take you to Os Kervo, where you’ll be seen safely aboard the Volkvolny and across the True Sea. You can go someplace warm, maybe the Southern Colonies.”
No. Exile? That was what the prince was going to do?
"Nikolai-"
"Genya-"
"No! I have suffered for years as a servant. Your mother was supposed to protect me. Your father should have seen me as nothing but a child. And I wasn't the only one. I did this not only for myself, but for the others as well. And instead of giving him a trial, instead of punishing them, you're letting them walk free? I will not expect this."
"Genya, please." She ignored Alina.
"Escort my father and mother to their rooms. Keep them under watch and ensure that they speak to no one."
"At least now you look like what you truly are. Ruined," Pyotr said before he left. Anger burned throughtout her body. She ignored Alina's support and Nikolai's pitying gaze.
They were not boarding the ship.
----
It was a good thing Genya was prepared. She slipped the potion into the guards' door, waiting for them to fall asleep. She did not endure all that suffering for them to go on vacation to the Colonies.
Tatiana was in a deep sleep. Genya could care less about the queen. Whether she lived or not, she didn't care. Her gaze was on the man beside her. She was going to finish this tonight.
She approached him, sliding a dagger out of her sleeve. Whatever the reason, he awoke. She covered his mouth, muffling his screams. The queen slept through it all.
"I am not ruined. I am Ruination. And I will destroy you here tonight." She plunged the dagger into his heart, something she should've done a long time ago. With the dagger sticking out and his blood coating her hands, she waited for the life to drain from his eyes before stepping away. Tatiana stirred and Genya slipped out.
David followed her, her sole comfort in it all. They left before anyone could come after them. Genya didn't regret leaving them behind as she and David escaped the church they had been staying in, the small explosion surely alerting the others.
They covered their tracks, and made their way to the Darkling. After days of journeying, they finally found their General.
"Genya. David." He saw the dried blood on her hands.
"I completely what I set out to do long ago," his lips twitched, hinting at a grin. Though he looked tired, and dark scars covered his skin, he still resembled the calm general she knew.
"Good. Now, what news do you bring?" Without an ounce of regret, Genya told the Darkling about everything. Because she was more than just a pretty thing. She was a soldier. Everyone had underestimated her. And soon, she will make everyone know who she was.
She wasn't just Genya Safin, Tailor and a spy for the Darkling. She was razrushost.
Okay, that's a really good sentence. Typo. Typo. Huh, did I write this? It's actually not bad. Typo. Hm, I would cut out that part now, but it kind of works. TYPO. Oh, this part is really good. That is the wrong word, wtf? I'm enjoying this more than I thought I would. ANOTHER TYPO? FFS.
How the hell did the Darkling become a shape shifter all of a sudden? And if he could do that all along, why not kill someone close to Alina and take their place? Sow seeds of doubt while playing the part of her loser squad. Since he’s so manipulative.
a/n so following the show (S1 episode 4 with some changes, which would lead to a different ending)
I hope you enjoy :)
Also, please let me know if I spelled the nicknames correctly.
Ovvondraai thirudugirai thirudugirai
She came before him in the middle of the night, when the entire world was asleep. Her hair was loose, and her expression, lost. He couldn't help but feel like a young boy again, giddy that his crush was noticing him.
He didn't have time for these feelings. But ever since she walked into the tent, confused and unsure, his heart was tripping over itself at the sight of her.
Yarukkum theriyamal thirudugirai
"Am I disturbing you?" Alina asked, hesitating at the entrance of the war room.
"Not at all. Couldn't sleep?" She took slow steps, and Aleksander watched her. With everyone, she was uncertain about everything. But with him, she gained the confidence she never knew she possessed.
Mudhalil en kangalai
His eyes never left her as she drew closer, sipping from his glass. It all felt so...different. Aleksander didn't know feeling like this was possible. He almost had it once, centuries ago. But he never knew what it was like to simply spend time with a loved one without worrying about death. Is this what a domestic life felt like? One couldn't sleep so they searched for the other, craving for their touch and love? If it was this, then he would wish for it every day.
"Is this map current?"
"It is. Our enemies are threatened by your mere existence. But Ravka can only stand up to them if we present a united front." Yet, for Aleksander, her existence drove him mad. Whenever she was within sight, his eyes trailed after her, as if by watching her alone could keep her happy and safe.
No one said he couldn't have more than one goal in life. He could fight for Grisha while having his other half complete him. And to do it together? Side by side? That would mean they would be one step closer to accomplishing his centuries-long dream of protecting his people.
Irandaavathu idhayathaii
Alina stood close to Aleksander. His heart skipped a beat at her presence. Her dark eyes didn't help either, holding him captive in its gaze.
"I have been fighting this war alone for so long." Her hand reached out, holding his. Her light bloomed around them, reminding Aleksander that there is no light without darkness. He took this as a sign that the dark times would soon be over.
"You are not alone." How long has he waited to hear those words? How long has he waited for someone to stand by him in this fight? He didn't know. He had someone, once, long ago, before he buried her, lost to him as she travelled to another world without out. For centuries, Aleksander had done whatever he could to fight for Grisha, because no one else did. His own mother couldn't care less about what happened to them.
And yet Alina, someone who didn't step into her role as the Sun Summoner until recently, was ready to join him in this fight for their people.
He cupped her cheek and he didn't miss her sharp intake of breath, or the pain in her eyes as she tried to imagine his centuries of pain. Of loneliness.
"Alina..."
Moondravathu mothathai
"I have been waiting a long time for you." His gaze dropped to her lips. He knew the problem of wanting was that it made one weak. But this was his other half, the sun to his shadows. She was everything he ever dreamed of, standing before him in the flesh.
Her gaze never left his. His heart was pounding, a combination of hope and disappointment. This would be the part where Alina would step back, away from his touch, away from him. And he knew he shouldn't be hopeful. He was a Shadow Summoner. A living amplifier. They all feared him in the end.
But Alina Starkova was full of surprises. She had always surprised him. She stepped closer, until there was no space between their bodies. She stood on tiptoes, and Aleksander, momentarily, forgot how small she really was. But that didn't mean her fierceness was small.
Alina kissed him, stealing his breath away. Her hands tangled in his hair as he deepened the kiss. She pulled back, thumb brushing against his cheek.
"You are not alone, Aleksander. Never again," she said, before stealing another kiss. And another. And more.
Ovvondrai thirudugirai thirudugiraaai
"Stay," Aleksander whispered. Alina didn't know how long they stood there, stealing kisses as if that was what they needed to survive. She didn't care.
"Always." It was a promise. Alina was going to stand by his side. She was going to learn from Aleksander, learn what it takes to protect Grisha. She was never going to leave him again.
Yarukkum theriyamal thirudugirai
It was strange. Alina of a few weeks ago, who almost got run over by Aleksander's carriage, would never have thought she would be standing in the war room in the middle of the night like a little thief, kissing the general.
She didn't know how it happened. Aleksander was a busy man, but the few moments they had together, she cherished deeply. Without them, without him, she would never have survived this long at the Little Palace.
Yes, she had Genya, and before, she had the foolish hope that this was all a mistake, that she would return to her old life. But after training, after learning what it was like to step into who she really was, Alina could never go back.
And she didn't want to. Not when she finally felt strong and confident. Not when she was learning what it was like to be a Sun Summoner.
Not when she had her other half staring at her like she divine. No one had ever looked at her like that before. And Alina found that she liked it.
Mudhalil en poigalai
The morning sun was what woke her. She grumbled, nestling under the covers.
"Good morning, solnyshka. Did you sleep well?"
"Yes." Aleksander had led her to his room, giving her the bed while he slept in a chair in the war room. Of course, they shouldn't rush into things, but she at least thought she could cuddle him, that they could feel less alone together.
Aleksander didn't comment on her little lie as she stretched, beaming at the sun. He watched her glow under the light, his beautiful queen.
Irandavathu kaigalai
"Come here." He took her hand, and Alina followed him to see he had laid out plates of food. Her eyes widened as he stood back.
"Sasha." He didn't expect the nickname. Alina turned to him, kissing his cheek. "Thank you. Let me wash up first." He nodded. After a few minutes, she returned, her hair in a braid.
They talked. About everything. About nothing.
"I know it's far too soon, but this would suit you." A black and gold kefta. Her fingers brushed against the kefta, admiring its beauty. She could get used to wearing his colours, flaunting that he was hers and she was his.
"I love it, Sasha." And though they needed to prepare, Aleksander couldn't help but bring her back to the fountain. Maybe he just wanted to show off Alina in her new kefta, just a little bit.
Alina smiled as she saw her friends, their jaws dropping at the sight. Ivan followed after them, their guard. And though the Heartrender couldn't stand the Sun Summoner, he did appreciate seeing his General this way. He passed by Fedyor, the two of them sharing knowing glances.
They could feel Alina and Aleksander's hearts. And maybe, just maybe, General Kirigan's right-hand man would learn to tolerate the Sun Summoner over time.
After all, who could deny that Alina and Aleksander weren't in love?
Moondravathu vetkathai
Alina was no longer the blushing, naive girl. Well, except for when Aleksander surprised her, stealing her blushes and kisses.
She had grown into her power, into her true self. She was the Sun Summoner. But she was also Aleksander's solnyshka. And he was her Korol' teney.
Together, husband and wife would lead Ravka to a new, different future, where Grisha did not have to fear for their lives. Alina never pictured herself as a queen, but she knew, with Aleksander at her side, she could be anything.
Ravka has seen the King of Shadows, but they have never seen the Queen of Light.
Their enemies have never witnessed a powerful eclipse, where light and shadows mingled and created something new. Something they should fear.
And so, change by change, things began to shift in Ravka. Little by little, they worked toward a future where Grisha were equal to the otkazat'sya.
With years beside Aleksander, Alina learned about her past. With Aleksander, she learned how to change the future. With Aleksander as her mentor, she learned how to be a protector for the people. For Grisha.
She really did learn how to be anything, as long as Aleksander was there.
And Alina wouldn't have it any other way.
a/n sorry for terrible ending. I didn't know how to end it.
Just wanted to get my thoughts down. Not as good as I wanted it to be as it's my first time trying to review something. At least I know people who can better explain it all properly.
a/n a bit terrible and rushed, but it's more of a 'what if Alina realized she screwed up badly?' Feedback is appreciated :)
Wind whipped through her hair, a laugh bursting free from her as she followed General Kirigan by horse. This was the freest she felt...in ages. She was resting well, and mainly, she had an appetite. It brought a glow to her skin. She was no longer sickly or tired, but strong. Beautiful.
Seen.
General Kirigan watched her. Alina knew this without looking, and it brought her pleasure. He was the first to believe in Alina. He was the first to tell her what she was worth. Because of him, she was beginning to discover her full potential. Kirigan brought her toa fountain in the woods, decorated with the carvings of the story of the Fold.
The white and black horses went off together, and Alina couldn't help but picture what it would be like to be with Kirigan: light and dark, the sun and the shadows. He stood beside her, tall and elegant, as they both gazed into the water. Alina eyed his black kefta, slightly regretting her choice of the blue one. But she wasn't used to being seen.
She wasn't used to being chosen.
"You and I are going to change the world," Kirigan said. His gaze held warmth and comfort, an anchor she held onto in this strange, new world. She smiled, and she noticed the faint blush emerging on his cheeks. No one had ever reacted to her that way. And she didn't know she could have that effect on someone.
---
Alina stood outside the orphanage, which she was running with Malyen. It was night. The stars and the moon were out, casting a faint light on her. It was only during the night that she was free. Her white hair, usually in a braid or a low bun, was loose, gently swaying to the cool breeze. For the first time, it felt like Alina was truly breathing.
She did not regret choosing to run an orphanage, watching the children grow and learn. But she did feel a little resentment when a child discovered their powers. It was in those moments that Alina would stand in front of a window, with sunlight trickling in, her fingers reaching for the light as if it were an old friend leaving her. She couldn't feel the warmth or the happiness it used to give her.
Mal would pull her in close, pressing soft kisses to her temple like that was supposed to make her feel better. She grew resentful of the life she was living, the hatred tainting the love she thought she could give to others, despite a war that had frightened and traumatized her. How could she even take care of others when she had no energy to take care of herself? She gave the children as many gifts as possible, spoiling them all, and showering the love she wished she had gotten when she was a child.
Sometimes, Alina tried to search her memories for her parents. She remembered faint smiles and singing, a blurry image of a man and a woman dancing outside. She would follow them happily, hands glowing brightly, before her parents warned her to be careful. She remembered hiding, remembered losing her parents, remembered the promise she made to herself to never use her powers.
Alina grew resentful of not just her life or the loss of her powers. She had grown resentful of Mal, her best friend, the boy she thought she loved with her entire heart. But in moments like this, when the world was asleep except for her and the moon and the stars, she thought of a man with black hair and grey eyes, who made her feel alive in ways she'd never known. Who had made her feel whole, who never tried to banish her light or distance himself from her because she wanted more.
Like calls to like, Kirigan said once. No, not Kirigan. Aleksander. Aleksander Morozov. A man burdened by centuries of war and grief, and trying to save the Grisha, who had decided to turn to any methods as necessary to get what he wanted, whom she killed after losing her powers. She killed him with a dagger wrapped in his powers and drenched in the blood of his distant relative.
Mal came back. That's what she wanted, though her heart mourned the death of Aleksander, his blood staining her hands. She regretted not learning what was there to learn under his guidance, and she'll never forget his horror when he learned she lost her powers. She was surprised as well. The light was her, and she was light. It was a part of her. How could it leave her like that?
But you have something else. That was true. Though the Fold was destroyed, though Aleksander was murdered, though her amplifiers were destroyed as if the world was trying to tell enough, and though her ability to summon light was gone and given to others to possess instead, Alina still had one thing. When Aleksander had placed the Stag's bones around her collar, a bond formed between the two, connecting them in a way that she didn't know was possible. Though Alina suspected that the bond they had, the tether they used to visit each other, was always there, because they were equals.
But at one point, when Alina used merzost, when she reached across that bond, she gained a fraction of his powers. And he gained a fraction of hers. Alina thought that when he died, the power went with him. But one night, similar to tonight, Alina, feeling foolish, reached out to the dark, seeking comfort from something, and it responded.
Now, whenever she could, Alina escaped outside, moving away from the orphanage's windows in case any of the staff, children, or worse, Mal, saw her. She let herself summon shadows, wrapping them around herself and closing her eyes, tilting her face to the sky and picturing Aleksander was with her, that he had her in his embrace, that he would comfort her with his low voice, that he would burn her with his searing kisses.
She would let the tears fall because she regretted all the decisions she had made since she discovered she was the Sun Summoner. Or was it when she chose to believe Baghra? When she chose to accept the old hag's words because she simply said so? When Baghra never cared about her until that moment, who had so much time to tell her the truth, but didn't?
Alina could admit, if anyone asked, to being stupid, a simple, naive girl who fled just because someone sowed seeds of doubt. All her instincts, all her thoughts, disappeared because she thought of only one person: Mal, and the idea of a future he desired and she, foolishly, believed she wanted.
Alina had the time, in the night, with the shadows as her only company, to reflect on everything that had happened, without anyone's influence. She didn't regret rejecting Nikolai when he offered to make her a queen. That, she knew, would never work out because she didn't have the knowledge and the training to do so. And Ravka would never have accepted her, despite worshipping her as a Saint.
She didn't like that spotlight. But she didn't like that she started as nothing and ended as nothing, only seen as the strange wife of charming Mal. Mal, who never noticed or cared about her until she was away, when she was finding who she truly was without him. He hated that she had found happiness in love with someone who wasn't him.
And Alina had found that truth to be bitter, choking her with the possibilities of what would have happened if she had chosen differently. She would still be the Sun Summoner, but this time, she would be by Aleksander's side.
Alina summoned the shadows to her once more, creating a small sphere of darkness before releasing it. It was the only time she felt alive, a brief reminder of what she used to feel when she summoned light. If the staff or Mal noticed how her skin was beginning to glow softly or that she was no longer feeling tired, they didn't comment on it.
In fact, Alina assumed Mal thought it was because her body had finally adjusted to having no powers, as if that was normal. He was scared of her until she was no longer a threat. She could practically hear Aleksander's mocking tone, and her heart cried in pain. She should've known better that she was worth more than this.
A part of me will always be with you, my little Saint. Alina let her hands drop. She thought...she thought she heard his voice again. He was the only one to refer to her as that. Perhaps he truly was a part of her now, living through his powers. Or maybe she was losing her mind, tired of the life she was living and missing the only one who truly understood her, even if she never did.
But if she could hear his voice again, see his voice again, Alina would do anything, even if it were only for a moment. Perhaps she would keep summoning shadows until he stood before her, whole and alive. She would endure his hatred, his anger, his betrayal, if only her eyes could find his, and her heart could rest after finally seeing him again.
"Alina? What are you doing?" Mal pulled her close, lips briefly meeting hers. She smiled, though all she wanted to do was cry, to wipe her mouth from his touch, to push him away, to use the Cut and free herself from him, for ruining the one time of the day when she felt like herself. Instead, she said nothing, as she always did. He brought her back inside. But she would return. Night after night, with the stars and the moon as her witness, she would summon shadows. She would find comfort in the night, when she felt closer to Aleskander.
The moon watched as they left, the stars twinkled as if they knew something they didn't know. They knew of the girl's deepest desires, from the way she summoned her shadows, from the way she came alive in the dark, her heart waiting for her equal to return.
Sleep well, moya solnyshka. One day, I will come for you. And we will truly rule the world together.
(based on Ben Barnes' song and as the popular fancast for Sirius, I thought it would be fitting to use his song to write a story about Sirius' birthday)
Sirius Black x Reader (Hufflepuff)
summary: Sirius Black never believed in love until he met Y/N, who reminded him every day that he is beloved. Maybe no Azkaban and James and Lily live
Warnings: brief mentions of abuse
1242 words
I know you're running on instinct
soul laid out bare
veins pumping blood but they've been stripped
lungs breathing smoky air
Sirius Black never believed in love. He never believed of finding others to love. Or have someone love him. His family was never big with love. Their version of it includes verbal and physical abuse.
What he felt for Regulus, his little brother...well, Sirius wasn't sure if that was what love was. He cared for him and protected him until Regulus turned around and became the golden child.
This created a sort of recklessness in him. Sirius Black spoke his mind, never caring about consequences. He told himself that he doesn't need love. He can live without it. Yet, he didn't know how much he really craved the love of someone else.
At Hogwarts, Sirius found friends that made him feel something close to love, but he will never admit it. And as with Regulus, he would die for them: James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. With them, he felt like he was able to find himself, but a part of him felt empty. Sad. Cold.
vision and edges burned
fighting to be seen be felt be heard
Sirius never knew why he needed attention so much. This was one way for him to be acknowledged by his peers. And by doing so, he caught the attention of you. You were friends with Peter and Remus, never really close to James or Sirius.
Yet a silly moment of running away from Filch, singing at the top of lungs (okay, so maybe he was also a tad bit drunk) and feeling everything soften a bit, Sirius crashed into you. Stumbling, you did your best to hold on to Sirius, making sure the two of you didn't fall. Sirius grabbed your hand and now you were running away as well.
You didn't know how to tell Sirius you weren't in Gryffindor. Your friends in Hufflepuff would be worrying about your whereabouts, but a part of you didn't care.
As with everyone in Hogwarts, you felt a pull toward Sirius: his charms, his laughter, his beauty, his recklessness, it all drew you in.
"Sirius, maybe you should let go of Y/N's hand." Sirius grinned.
"Nah, this is more fun. Am I right, Y/N?"
"No." Remus grinned and once you arrived at the Fat Lady portrait, he offered to walk you back to Hufflepuff.
"Remus, where are your manners? Do you want Y/N to get caught?" And so, you spend the night on the couch, even though Remus and James offered you their beds.
---
tip toe your every breath
make me believe in life after death
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved)
tip toe your every part
let me carry your heart in my heart
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved)
It's been a few months since Sirius and Y/N got together and he still doesn't quite believe it. It seems like he's the only who is shocked that someone likes him for him and that he actually likes someone.
"Babe, what are you doing? It's your birthday!" Sirius knew the party was starting soon, the one thrown in his honour. Y/N appeared beside him as he lay on his bed, lost in thought.
"Do I deserve this?"
"A party? I-I guess you could've said no when the boys asked."
"No. Well, yes, but also you. Do I deserve you?" You sat beside him, forcing him to look at you. You've seen him doubt everything before. Somehow, he kept it hidden for so long, but before you, he didn't know what to do.
"I don't know if I can do this, Y/N. Are you sure you want me?"
"Sirius, look at me. Do you really think you don't deserve love? You are loved. Your friends love you and I love you. You're our Sirius, our precious, loyal, courageous, dramatic Sirius, and we don't want that to change."
"I never believed in love. Growing up, I was never held with care. No hugs or kisses like how Mrs. Potter greets James. I only know the pain of the Cruciatus Curse. I only know the insults thrown my way: a disgrace, a filthy traitor, and so much worse. How can I believe in love?"
"That's why we're here, Sirius. We'll tell you every day why we love you and why you should love yourself. We'll tell you so much that our love will outweigh what you felt growing up. And if we want to make this work, you need to trust me. Let me carry your pain, Siri. Let me share your burden, lessen the load. Your attention and the way you care for me, that's love. The way you do your best to make me feel happy, that's love. Let me do the same, Sirius."
I know your minds working overtime
I sit tight to wish on a star
your heart is beating to match mine
but i want who you already are
"You force yourself to act like nothing's wrong, but there's nothing wrong with reaching out to your friends for support and love. I don't want you to change, Sirius. I love you already for the person you are."
something inside you stirs
fighting to be seen be felt be heard
tip toe your every breathe
make me believe in life after death
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved)
tip toe your every part
let me carry your heart in my heart
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved) (beloved beloved)
get up off of your knees (beloved beloved)
its no time to freeze (beloved beloved)
come on baby please
your future lies ahead of you
where it's supposed to be (belovd beloved) [Chorus]
tip toe your every breathe
make me believe in life after death
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved)
tip toe your every part
let me carry your heart in my heart
you are beloved so be loved (beloved beloved)
Sirius sat up and let you place your hands on his face, gently kissing his forehead.
"Sirius Black, you are a start shining so brightly and blessing us with your presence. You are a joy to be around, always finding ways to make us happy. You are smart, beautiful, and kind, even with your reckless spirit. You may act first, but that's something that makes you special. No matter what, Sirius, you are you. A loveable soul who needs love. Someone who is so beloved, but needs to learn to love himself. So never forget that, Sirius. You are beloved. And I won't have it any other way."
Sirius Black didn't know what to say. But hearing you call him beloved opened up something in him. He needed those words, craving them for years. He felt his eyes well up with tears and with another kiss from you, he let them free. You held him close as he cried into your shoulder.
"You are my beloved, Sirius. And I'll tell you this every day until my last breath." And so you did. Every day. Not only you, but Remus, James, Peter, Lily and so many other friends. And every day, Sirius grew to believe your words. He grew to love himself and thus, loving you without a worry. You told him during your wedding, you told him every night and every morning, until the two of you breathed your last breath.
a/n Happy Birthday, Sirius!
and can't forget about the movie version
Sorry this was posted a bit late, I got this idea kind of last minute. And as Ben Barnes suggested, you are beloved so be loved. Never forget that.
a/n a little wolfstar story to celebrate Ben Barnes and Andrew Garfield's birthday!
summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black have liked each other for a long time. On Remus' birthday, they finally do something about it.
warnings: idk...I don't even know if I'm doing this correctly...maybe they're both sweet? Sirius is a flirt? it gets a bit suggestive towards the end
1,015 words
Remus Lupin had spent his entire life always uncertain about things. When he was four, he was bit by Fenrir Greyback, a werewolf. He didn't know if his parents still loved him...still accepted him. When Remus started school, he was uncertain if people would want to be friends with him. At the age of six, Remus scratched his face during one of his transformations. No one wanted to hang out with Remus, thinking he was trouble.
When he was eleven, Remus wasn't sure if he would be accepted into Hogwarts. His father, Lyall Lupin, was wizard, but his mother, Hope Lupin, was a muggle. Remus had shown magic, but how would he attend? He was a werewolf. They didn't belong anywhere.
He got a letter and was surprised. He was accepted! And Headmaster Dumbledore explained things to him. They set up a 'Whomping Willow', a tree that would prevent anyone from getting close. Madam Pomfrey, the Healer at the school, would bring him down every full moon and will take care of him. Sure, Remus had his doubts, but when he saw his father's happy face, he didn't say anything.
Remus started school and met James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. He was a bit awkward, but James accepted him with open arms.
Quite literally.
James practically threw himself at Remus, excited for a new friend. Soon, Remus realized how exciting and strange it was to be friends with James and Sirius. The four became known as the Marauders. Remus was happy that he had amazing friends. He helped them pull pranks. He helped with homework. He rolled his eyes as James fell for Lily Evans...but he looked the other way when James and Sirius hexed students, especially Slytherins. Especially Severus Snape.
Remus didn't know what to do. He knew it was wrong, but he didn't want to lose his friends. So he remaind silent. A bystander.
In second year, his friends discovered that Remus was a werewolf. He wasn't sure how their friendship would last. But they stuck by and in fifth year, they became animagi. For him. Because he was their friend.
However, Remus had another thing to worry about. That was Sirius Black. It wasn't until third year that Remus realized something important.
He liked Sirius Black. He liked everything about him. The silver eyes. The dark hair tied back. The knowing smirk and his smell. And whenever the full moon was near, the wolf in Remus would go crazy.
There were all those lingering touches and gazes and the way Sirius just seemed to get too close, as if he knew what he was doing.
Now, the Marauders were in their seventh year and Remus still longs for Sirius. But he can't ruin a friendship. Not for selfish reasons as wanting to shove his tongue down Sirius' throat.
Only Lily and James know. Lily because she figured it out and James because he heard Lily. The two were supportive and James was ready to tell Sirius himself if Remus didn't do something about it.
It was Remus' 18th birthday. As usual, Gryffindor was having a blast. James, Sirius, and Peter, along with Marlene McKinnon had organized a huge birthday party for him.
Remus decided to drink. He prefers smoking over drinking, but thought why not live a little? The problem was, Remus wasn't used to drinking. And soon he was tipsy.
He was dancing with Lily and Mary MacDonald, having a blast as Dancing Queen played. Soon, it chaned to Angeleyes. And Remus couldn't help but think of Sirius Black. As of right now, he could only relate to the part about thinking about his angel eyes and how seeing him with a girl sent shivers down his spine. He wanted Sirius.
Remus saw Sirius with Marlene, the latter clearly flirting with the former. Remus felt his heart drop. Every time he sees Sirius with someone else, it hurts him.
"Just go over there, Remus." Lily practically pushed Remus. He stumbles slightly. Sirius spins and he spots Remus. Moving away from Marlene without a thought, he places a hand on Remus arm to keep him steady.
"I think that's enough for tonight, Moons. Come on." Sirius leads Remus to their dorm. All Remus could think about was Sirius' pale skin, his pink lips, his tattoos and scars, the sweat dripping down his chest...
"Here we are." Sirius plops down onto his bed, grinning at Remus. Remus couldn't look away.
"Wow, you look great." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I know." Remus noticed the top two buttons of Sirius' shirt was unbuttoned. He swallowed, looking away. He didn't want to think about tearing the shirt off and kissing his chest.
"Something the matter?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing...just hot."
"I see." Sirius' grin grew.
"Should open the window." Remus stumbled toward the window and sighed as the breeze cooled his hot skin.
"But now I'm cold. Maybe you should keep me warm, Moons." Remus looked back at Sirius. He was on his side, one arm holding his head. Remus couldn't stop looking at Sirius.
"You have a blanket."
"But I want you." Remus didn't want to trust his hearing...but he had good hearing so he knew he heard Sirius correctly.
"I want you more, Sirius. For so long?"
"How long?"
"Since third year. You don't want to know what's going through my mind right now."
"Show me." Remus walked toward the bed. Leaning over Sirius, he traced Sirius' bottom lip with his thumb.
"I hate you so much."
"I know." Remus finally let himself kiss those pink lips and melted. Sirius tasted like firewhisky and licorice and Remus was glad that he was finally doing something.
Sirius rolled Remus over and in one move, pulled off Remus' sweater.
"Happy birthday, Remus." Sirius kissed Remus again, moving down to his jaw then his neck. He left marks there and made his way down.
They spent the entire night together, entangled. Remus regretted not doing this earlier, but as Sirius traced his scars and whispered his name, Remus was glad that he didn't wait any longer.
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