1 Part hunger, 2 Parts self hatred

This is my personal diary. Be careful when reading my page. I don't want help. Be Safe for yourself. Heaviest: 240 Current: 227 Target: 135

[dreamsgoalsbody]

Do you have time be upfront with people for them to know something wrong?

[dreamsgoalsbody]

What is a cry for help?

[dreamsgoalsbody]

It's amazing,ing how alcohol can make the depression magnify.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

Healing isn't linear. Unfortunately

[dreamsgoalsbody]

So I dont understand. I go up to see a friend I havent seen in over a year with my hubby. Everything seemed to be going well, friend and hubby are talking and then we get back to the hotel we find out my friend blocked me and my husband on everything and I just dont know why.

My husband can be crass but I honestly didn't think she was uncomfortable because she seemed to be joking back.

If she game me a reason I would be okay with it but right now I just feel so hurt because I don't know what went wrong.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

So im watching teen wolf and just on season 5 and honestly, how everyone is treating Stiles makes me want to forfeit the show.

He does not deserve to be treated how he has been and how everyone believes someone else over him disgusts me.

Makes me kinda think about my life and how somehow I feel like stiles feels. To me he's the most relatable

[dreamsgoalsbody]

I should honestly go into acting.

I'm so good at acting okay when I'm really really not.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

I just... I just wanna give up. On everything. I'm so fucking tired. I'm just so done...

[dreamsgoalsbody]

A concoction of booze and over the counter meds. Mixing alcohol with anti depressants. Blades to skin, or the feeling of caffine corsing through my veins.

Just thoughts of previous life, wanting things to dull the pain.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

The moment when you feel off and because you feel off you have fuck up fantasies and a large part wants it all to be real.

[thinflowerxx]

lets add not being good at my own eating disorder to a list of everything going wrong

[dreamsgoalsbody]

The blood that was flowing from my cuts dry slightly, cracking when I move my fingers. I feel the slickness flow again knowing a good place to let my arrows fly.

I have made my way to a archery club I know is open late, sometimes they will let me stay after closing, letting me lock up when I'm done. They dont mention how I'm usually still shooting when they get in the next morning. No, they leave me in peace, even if their eyes bore into my back, worry clear.

I ignore them all, they realised early on that the blood is no concern of theirs. No. What I do to my body and bow are on me and only me.

So I continue to shoot, barely noticing when the last person drops the key off beside me. No, I wont be leaving, not yet...

[dreamsgoalsbody]

I take meds...

But do you guys know the feeling when you know your meds have been working and has in the past... but now it feels like they arent working at all.

How you just feel numb and let your mind wonder to dangerous places. Bone deep tiredness, the urges, the thoughts... worse of all... the numbness when you still feel everything.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

My legs pound on the pavement, the coldness of the night and the sting of my fingers keeping me wickedly grounded. I dont stop, late enough that my bow remains hidden in the darkness.

Soon I'll find a place I can go to continue where I left off... but for right now, my legs will lead me.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

You know as you are laying in bed that something is wrong. You should be scared, worried perhaps, but instead you feel nothing but nothingness.

You need to find a way to start feeling again.

How can you make someone understand that the only thing that helps is the pain that snaps you out of your mind.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

I notch the arrow into the bow, releasing yet another arrow. I dont even know how many arrows have disappeared into the night sky, the field of grass surrounding the building sure to be littered.

I cant, no that's not right. I DONT want to stop. It helps calm my mind, even if the string of the bow is now cutting into my fingers drawing blood. The string is becoming more slick with it, yet it makes everything easier as I accept the pain.

I hear my name being called and I turn, the arrow notched and ready to fire. I ask them to move and they don't l, my patience wearing thin. They try to tell me it's not my fault but I disagree. They wont leave, so I purposely let the arrow go, watching in satisfaction as it whistles past the person's head. Their look of pure shock and horror enough to move me from my spot, letting my legs lead me away. So far away.

[dreamsgoalsbody]

Relapsing is like stepping back to square 1