drunk wod

Where do you go after you've got perfect muscle ups and a sub 3:00 Fran time? You go to the bar, drink a pitcher of beer, and then you do the wod again. Drunk WOD - giving elite athletes new ways to be elite.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Drunken Burpees

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And, man that's a fun road. The road to elite fitness is paved with burpees, and that is not fun at all.  Except, we're going to make it a little more fun for you.

Grab a six pack and a shoulder to cry on.

For time:

150 burpees

Yeah, that's the whole WOD. Drink every 10 burpees.  Take a big elite fucking drink.  Don't you want to Rx the shit out of this WOD? Because really, there's no way to scale it without just skipping the burpees and having some beer at a bar.  And no one becomes an elite athlete that way. 

And while we're being honest, no one stays tight as a board for 150 drunken burpees. By those last 10, you're going to be collapsing onto the floor and scraping the fuck out of your knees.  But it's okay - the knee scrapes will make your deadlift scabs look even more hardcore.

Time bonus and penalty First person to throw up: +60 seconds Making it through 50 without throwing up: -20 seconds Making it through 100 without throwing up: -40 seconds Making it through all burpees without throwing up: -90 seconds

Post times and elite fucking WOD wounds to comments

[drunkwod]

WOD: Imitation is the sincerest form of drunk, sloppy flattery.

The sweet elites over at CrossFit Coweta have posted an event.  We like it so much, we stole borrowed it.  

Their event reads:

THIS SHIT IS GONNA BE CRAZY!!! The WOD will be free ($5.00 minimum donation, all proceeds will go straight to The Disposable Heroes Project) Here is the WOD: 3...2...1...GO! Drink a Beer Run a MILE Drink a Beer 50 Pull-ups Drink a Beer 100 Push-ups Drink a Beer 150 Squats Drink a Beer Run a MILE Drink a Beer TIME!!! There will be prizes for those that go RX and Don't puke, those that scale and don't puke, and those that have the most memorable WOD!!! Please don't attempt this if you are not a seasoned CrossFitter and/or drinker, it will MESS YOU UP!!!!

There's a couple of good things here:

1. Not only are you doing a drunk wod, you're doing it FOR CHARITY

2. There's prizes!

If you're actually near Cowcrossfit, you should go and do it.  

I expect the pictures from this event to be epic.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Tabata This other thing over here

It's really cute how gyms try to come up with alternative Tabata workouts so that you don't fall asleep during another cash out of Tabata squats or Tabata situps.  Soooo,  today, we're doing Tabata drinking.  

Today's drink is in honor of what might be the home country of Mister Tabata: SAKE.

Tabata Set 1:

shot of sake + situps

Tabata Set 2:

shot of sake + double unders

Tabata Set 3:

shot of sake + push ups

In case you're still drunk from yesterday and forgot how Tabata works:

(20 seconds work + 10 seconds rest) x 8 rounds.  That's four minutes of Tabatawesome.

When you get through these measly 12 minutes of work and sake shots, you're going to feel like fucking Godzilla ready to stomp through Tokyo.  Go find some On-Ramp or Elements or Foundations or whatever the fuck that beginner bullshit is called at your gym.  Go find that class and stomp your way through their PVC Overhead squat circle screaming about your awesomeness and how you will destroy them all.  Watch them scatter out of your way like fruit sellers at the sunday market as you tear through their morning and show them what being elite looks like. RAWR.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Row, row, row your beer

Welcome to Monday. Now, go get some beer.  

Today's WOD comes straight from Crossfit HQ (with a small modification):

Four rounds for time of:

Row 500 meters

Drink a beer

Rest 3 minutes

By the magic of the internet, here is a demonstration video of this WOD

This video doesn't have any branding on it, but there's no way this wasn't filmed in Crossfit box.  The guy on the right is wearing Vibrams, but no shirt and has long hair and large tattoos.  The guy on the right is in colorful Innov8's and a Crossfit t-shirt.  

I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but their times are 2:22 and 2:24. See if you can beat that each round.  And even better, send in the video of you demolishing their times.

[drunkwod]

Rest Day Rusty Nail

We know you're classy. There's nothing like a little bit of scotch to brighten your weekend.

1 1/2 oz Scotch

1/2 oz Drambuie

1 twist of Lemon peel

  Mixing instructions:   Pour the Scotch and Drambuie into an old-fashioned glass almost filled with ice cubes. Stir well. Garnish with the lemon twist. Drink your rusty nail, foam roll your quads of steel and get ready to start another week of drunk WODs.

[drunkwod]

Bonus: We love you too much

You think we're assholes for encouraging you to drink and WOD? No, whoever set this shit up is an asshole.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Karen

You ready for something a little more civilized than some dogless sleds? 

First, make yourself a healthy helping of "Karen's Melons" (seriously, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried)

1 1/2 oz Midori® melon liqueur

1 oz vodka

4 - 5 oz 7-Up® soda

1 lime wedge 

 Then, it's time for Karen:

150 Wall Balls (men 20#-10′ / women 14#-9')

Some of the elite athletes are doing this WOD in under 5 minutes. That's over 30 tosses of Karen's Melons, er, wall balls, per minute. But you already knew that, you smart beast.

I know that you won't make it under 5 minutes. Why? Because the elites weren’t stopping every 10 reps to take a sip. But you are. And let’s face it. Who wants to do more than 10 wall balls at a time anyway? If they’re being honest -- nobody. Not even fucking Iceland Annie or motherfucking Spealler likes this WOD. So, this just makes it better for everyone. Do 10, get a refreshing sip, do 10 more. It might take you an extra 2 minutes, but you’ll actually enjoy it.

Post time and feelings of ecstasy  to comments.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Dogless-sled

Today you will be doing the first three rounds of Event 7 from the 2011 Games, almost. Why not the entire thing? Because you're not elite enough to do 30 handstand pushups and who the fuck has a sled that they can push? The 5 of you with a box that actually has a sled? You can shut the fuck up right now and go back to foam rolling eating paleo packs.

First mix up one (or two, or three) Dog Sled:

1 1/2 oz. Canadian Whisky

1 1/2 oz. orange juice 

1 tsp. grenadine 

1 tbsp. lemon juice

Once you've got your bigass Dog Sled, do this:

Three rounds of 30 Double-unders 135 pound Overhead squat, 10 reps

This is the standard "I fucked up, I have to drink." WOD. Every time you smack the top of your foot with the jump rope, drink. Every time you get on your toes and dump the bar, drink. The only way you're going to learn to link multiple double-unders and keep your ballance on OHS's is by punishment and this is the WOD to do it to you. We'll teach you to be elite if it kills us all.

Post your disappointing times to comments.

[drunkwod]

Rest Day: 12oz curls NFT

Oh, poor baby tired from yesterday's WOD?  Too hungover to move?  Can't imagine doing anything again ever because your weak body was so destroyed.  Well, we'll overlook it t his time. That’s right, bitches - today is a nice an' easy rest day WOD. Sit your hurtin' ass in front of the computer and watch everything you missed this weekend at the CrossFit games because the feed was so shitty.  It's remarkably un-shitty now that everything is over and today is the day to go catch up.

AMRAP, NFT:

Your WOD today is to sit on your ass. You heard me. Sit on your ass and watch people that are way more fucking elite than you will ever be. Watch them do normal WODs.  Watch them waste their time looking very serious on stupid shit like the monkey bars and softball toss.   Watch them, laugh at them, while also feeling bitter and jaded that it will never be you. Drink that bitterness away with some beer.

And not some shitty beer, either. Drink something with some flavor, because you've earned it after yesterday.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Murph

Happy Tuesday!  Remember, tomorrow is a rest day.  And you're going to need it!

This drink   It’s called Murph.

1 shot of Bacardi® 151 rum

1 shot of Hpnotiq® liqueur

1 shot of Malibu® coconut rum

splash of pineapple juice

splash of Sprite® soda

And yeah, you know what’s next.  Today’s WOD is also fucking hardcore; it’s also called Murph.

1 mile Run

100 Pull-ups

200 Push-ups

300 Squats

1 mile Run

HQ says: “Partition the pull-ups, push-ups, and squats as needed. Start and finish with a mile run. If you've got a twenty pound vest or body armor, wear it.”

If you've got a 20lb vest and plan on wearing it, you're harder than the drink or the WOD. You *almost* get a free pass on this beast.  But only almost, because even the best among us need to feel some punishment.  So, drink after coming back from the run, and after every set of 25 reps.  How many drinks is that? Quick, do the math! Nah, just kidding. I know you're not at your rack with the calculator on it right now. The answer is: 25 drinks before heading out on the last run.  "That's too many!" a reasonable man might say.  But you're not reasonable.  You're a Crossfitter!  So take that 25th drink, and go run the fastest drunk mile of your life on the sidewalk, and watching carefully for cars and cyclists.  Because you're going to be fucking obliterated. 

If you complete this run in a reasonable time and feel invigorated when you run back into your box, stop. Stop, pull out your wallet and make sure you're not actually Robert Downey, Jr., because no one but an Elite alcoholic could do it.  And if you are?  Hi.  No more Iron Man, please.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Badger

Are you ready to return to nature?  Make yourself "The Badger" 

2 oz. Vodka, raspberry (Stolichnaya Razberi)

1 oz. Vodka, vanilla (Stolichnaya Vanil)

2 oz. Cranberry Juice

1 oz. Grenadine

1 oz. Orange Juice

1 oz. Sugar Syrup

Then, 3 rounds for time:

95 pound Squat Clean, 30 reps

30 Pull-ups

Run 800 meters

Honey badger don’t give a shit.  And neither do you.  You are the honey badger. It's build is described as having a “fairly long body, thick set, and broadshoulders.” They could have been talking about any man in any crossfit gym. The honey badger even eats larvae, snakes and mice.  You can’t get more fucking paleo than that shit. Talk about living primal.

The honey badger is "the most fearless animal."  Let this WOD make you fearless. Drink every time you fall off that bar.  Every time you drop the barbell.  If you don't run for all 800 meters? Finish your drink, you slow motherfucker, and then have someone who's already done make you another.  

[drunkwod]

Good afternoon, comrades. Get into formation and make yourself a KGB:

1 1/2 ounces gin

1/2 ounce Kummel

1/4 teaspoon apricot brandy

1/4 teaspoon lemon juice

What? No vodka, you ask?  Stop asking. The faithful do not question.  They do 3 rounds for time:

KGB.  21-15-9 

Kettlebells

GHD's

Barbell - Overhead Squat

Put down your Balalaika, take off your valenki, and stop stuffing your face with not-at-all-paleo Blini, and get ready because in communist Russia, WOD does you. Your mission, and you have to accept it, is to do this WOD at an appropriate weight so that everything is unbroken. Unbroken like the spirit of the motherland, which despite the biting winter and soulless back country, still has vodka pouring from the faucets. Every time you fail, you’ll take a drink. But you won’t fail will you? We’re counting on you, comrade.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Rest Day!

Do you know what the real, honest-to-goodness elite crossfitters are doing today?  Yeah, they’re at the Crossfit Games in glamorous Carson, California.  Some of the almost-elites are out there, too, watching the real elites do WODs.  If you’re reading this, you’re neither.

With today’s rest day, head over to Drywall Crossfit’s scavenger hunt, and play drinking bingo.

http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/wsoe-drinking-bingo.pdf

So get yourself a glass of sherry, or whatever the fuck old people who play bingo drink. A shirley temple maybe?  Get yourself a glass of that shit, watch the “live stream” and see if you can cross anything off in the 10 seconds a minute it actually plays.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Mary

Bust out your inner child, because today we're drinking a Mary Poppins:

1 oz dark Rum

1 oz apricot Brandy

2 oz apricot Brandy liqueur

2 oz orange juice

1/4 oz Pineapple juice

1/4 oz creme de cassis

Pour the dark rum, apricot brandy and juices into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice. Shake well and pour into a collins glass. Top up with ice and drizzle the creme de cassis and grenadine over the top. Serve.   Then, 20 minute AMRAP: Mary

5 Handstand push-ups

10 1-legged squats

15 Pull-ups

This wod is supercalifuckinglamealidocuios. Just like that last sentence.  Honestly, start by getting as drunk as possible before the WOD, because it doesn't matter how sober you are, you're going to look drunk trying to get through HSPUs and pistols. So, do a few, then have some drinks.  Take a break. Do a few more. You've got 20 fucking minutes.  If I asked you to drink for every pistol substitute, you’d just sit there with a drink in your hand trying to balance on one leg. So, just do that. But you better make those pull-ups meet competition standards. However, if you’re some kind of badass who can bust out all of these and look like an inspirational video for Rogue Fitness, then you should put that drink down and do it. And film it.  And then cut it into a montage and play that really intense emotional song from Evanescence over the footage.

[drunkwod]

Current Events: Games Event 2 / DIY Games

As we all know Games Events 2 and 5 have been announced.

Event 2 is

Max L-sit for time (1 attempt)

Max distance softball throw (2 attempts)

Max distance handstand walk (1 attempt with 1 mulligan if less than 5 yards)

Now, looking at Event 2 it turns out that there's little correlation between what athletes are doing in their boxes and what is being tested at the games. In fact, it turns out that the games are just a Reebok-sponsored version of the idle competitions we all did as bored children.  For example:

"Okay, first who can hold their left arm up the longest?" (loser eliminated)

"Okay now, stand on one foot and put your right arm straight out." (top three advance)

"Ready? Run to the tree, and then do a forward roll, then climb across the monkey bars, then run up the slides. First one to the swings wins!" (winner gets everyone's dessert at dinner)

These competitions would be judged by someone's older sibling - a sullen teenager too cool to participate but too young to go hang out with the actual cool kids. 

If you're feeling nostalgic for the good 'ol days, here's your bonus night-time WOD (because we all know the real athletes do two-a-days).  Get those friends from this morning's workout (more if you can find them) and a bunch of beers.

Event 1: balance a full, open beer on your head and walk. First one to drop the beer loses. And chugs the now-foamy beer.

Event 2: balance on your right leg facing your opponent. Really engage those quads.  Look into your partner's eyes and intimidate them with your steely gaze.  First one to blink loses.  And then chugs a beer.

Only the winning-est two players enter the final round.

Event 3: Stand facing your opponent, shake his hand in fair competition.  1-2-3-4. Then declare a thumb war.  Loser chugs a beer.  Winner chugs a beer, but it will be seasoned with the smooth taste of victory.

[drunkwod]

WOD: Teamwork

Today’s WOD is a team workout.  Find yourself two friends.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  

The three of you put your wallets together and and make yourself a good sized jug of Threeway on the Beach:

6 oz Malibu® coconut rum

6 oz Bacardi® Razz rum

6 oz peach schnapps

18 oz pineapple juice

splash of grenadine syrup

Then, for time:

800 M Run (for everyone)

60 Box Jumps (24'/20')

60 Chest to Bar Pull ups

60 KB Swings (70#/53#)

60 Walking Lunges w/ Plate overhead (45/25)

60 Toes to Bar

60 Front Squats (95#/65#)

60 Burpees

60 Push Press (95#/65#)

60 Sit ups

Complete all reps of each exercise before moving on to the next. Split everything into thirds, and all of you take a drink after the team finishes each exercise.  Listen, guys: this is 20 reps per person, with a LOT of rest, especially if your teammates aren’t as hardcore as you (which, I know you think they aren't).  If you have to take a break in the middle of your 20-rep set? Yeah, go ahead and take another drink.  If you watch your teammate have to take break in the middle of their 20-rep set? Yeah, you take another drink, too.  That means the whole team drinks every time someone fails. Why? Because crossfit isn't for failures.  It's for the steel-willed among us, who can push through the pain and adversity of a belly full of rum to get through 20 burpees.  It's for those, hardened by the iron, who won't quit on their 19th situp just because they're puking up rum. When you finish this wod, ask yourself, is crossfit really for you?

Post times (and the answer to that question) to comments!

[drunkwod]

Rest Day WOD: Lynne NFT.

Is today supposed to be a rest day? Yeah. But you know who rests? THE WEAK!

Make yourself a jug of "Lynna's Gingerbread Man"

1 1/2 oz Absolut® vanilla vodka

4 oz Jamaican ginger beer 

Pour vodka over a couple of ice cubes in a cocktail glass. Add ginger beer, garnish with a cherry. 

Lynne, as prescribed:

5 rounds for max reps. There is NO time component to this WOD.

Bodyweight bench press (e.g., same amount on bar as you weigh) 

pullups 

"No time component," says HQ. Well, well. You know what you're going to do? You're gonna take your god damn sweet time. Today, you're going to focus on form. Go into your garage gym (because you know you have one.) Set up your benchpress (preferably under your POW/MIA flag for extra inspiration). Get your bucket of chalk ready. Fuck it, get those hands taped up. Crank out a set of max rep bench presses. Then go out into your backyard and drink a glass of this gingerman shit. Go sit in the sun and work on your tan. When you're ready, mosey back into your gym and do those pullups. Go back to the backyard. Repeat for four more rounds. If you do this WOD correctly, it should take you about 5 hours. Elite performance across broad time and modal domains, right? This tests your performance on the gingerbread domain. Remember, perfect form! Empty every glass.

Post time to comments!