Finally, an NFL division breakdown that actually makes sense
With the playoffs finally here, people are tossing around all sorts of geographically-based phrases: NFC West, AFC East, AFC South, etc. But what does it mean?! The NFL is made up of 8 divisions - 4 in the AFC, 4 in the NFC. Simple right? Sure. But after that it makes zero sense whatsoever...
Example - Miami is in the AFC East, not South. But the Carolina Panthers are in the NFC South, and they’re in NORTH Carolina! C’mon.
The Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos are in the AFC West, but they’re midwest at best. The other AFC West teams are in California, which is, in fact, west. However, Indianapolis (Colts) is in the AFC South, but it’s NORTH of Cincinnati, home to the Bengals, who are in the AFC North. The Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East?… Dear NFL, BUY A MAP.
I came up with a solution: I’ve categorized the teams into a simple, understandable breakdown - Thematic divisions according to team names.
Cats Division:
Panthers
Bengals
Jaguars
Lions
Cats are the most viewed thing on the internet, so the “Big Cat” teams should absolutely have their own division. And let’s be honest, cat fans outnumber football fans by roughly Asia. So this is a great opportunity to bring them together. And every cat fan would have an officially licenced “Cats Division” NFL sweatshirt, ‘cause we all know cat people love to advertise it. Cha-ching.
Industry Division:
Steelers
Packers
49ers
Browns
Pittsburgh prides itself on its historic industrious steel-town legacy. The Green Bay Packers are named for the meatpacking industry that first sponsored the team. The gold industry flourished as miners flooded to the west in 1849, forever changing the Bay Area’s culture, landscape and economy. The Browns are named after their first coach, Paul Brown. But “Brown” is synonymous with the shipping industry frontrunner, UPS, whose signature brown uniforms inspired the ubiquitous ad campaign: “What can Brown do for you?”
Pillagers Division:
Buccaneers
Vikings
Raiders
Chargers
Historically, you’d want to steer clear of these guys. Warriors, heathens, barbarians, marauders, communists… the bad guys. Basically the types that want to kill you and take your stuff. Maybe a little more intimidating than other divisions, which only helps you remember which division they’re in.
Birds Division:
Falcons
Eagles
Cardinals
Ravens
Simple division here, easy to remember, no guessing. If it flies and has feathers, it plays here. “What about the Seahawks?” Read on...
Open Range Division:
Chiefs
Redskins
Bears
Rams
“Home, home on the range” you know the song. Long ago, Native Americans roamed the open range, along with wildlife including Rams and Bears. Also home to antelope and deer, but those aren’t NFL teams. Yet.
Mythical & Religious Entities Division:
Giants
Titans
Saints
Seahawks
Giants, Titans and Saints all exist in some mythology or religion. A Seahawk, which is not usually thought of in the same realm as a Titan, isn’t technically a real bird. Ospreys have been referenced as a seafaring member of the hawk family. But it’s not the “Seattle Ospreys.” It’s the Seahawks. Which is a made-up creature. So it works. Lay off.
Dudes Who Love Guns Division:
Cowboys
Texans
Patriots
Bills
The only division more intimidating than the Pillagers Division. Cowboys had shootouts, Patriots secured our independence from England with guns, and Texans are from Texas. “Shouldn’t Buffalo play in the Open Range Division?!” If it were the Buffalo Buffalo, yes. But the Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill Cody, whose wild-west show included lots of shooting, reenacting Indian Wars, and general cowboy-ing. Which kind of relates to the Open Range, but that’s not important. To avoid confusion, just remember - Buffalo Bill Cody is a dude who loved guns.
Things That Go Fast Division:
Jets
Colts
Broncos
Dolphins
When someone mentions “fast,” I’m thinkin’ airplanes and horses. Makes complete sense. Also, a short-beaked common dolphin reaches speeds of 37 mph… in water. Just imagine how fast they could go on land.
There it is, a perfectly reasonable organization of the currently incomprehensible structure of NFL Divisions. Having read this, go ahead and quiz yourself or a loved one on which teams play in which divisions. No more East, West, Up, Down, etc. Just things that make sense. I hope the NFL is reading. Thank you.