Duolingo x Toaster Fanfic

| He/Him | Fanfiction and creative writing. | Not for the faint of heart. |

[duotablefanfixs]

Chapter 5, The Green Light

The first thing TABLE saw was the green light. It was bright and beautiful, shining just like in his dreams. Then the eyes. The wide, never blinking reflective surface of the retina stared into TABLE’s soul. He felt cold. He knew those eyes. They were the eyes of a killer. And its expression, TABLE knew that look all too well. It was the same expression he wore before he had blown up an entire nation. Its beak was short but sharp, and no doubt deadly. TABLE gazed in awe at the creature as it reached toward him, stubby green wing outstretched in a gesture of allyship. 

            “Take my hand, son,” the green god whispered, gaze fixed expectantly upon TABLE.

            “It is an… an… honor to meet you in person my lord,” TABLE was not quite sure what to say, he did not know what was proper for mortals to say in the presence of a god. 

            “Ligeledes, J'espère travailler avec vous dans le futur, » The green owl replied. 

            « Monsieur Duo, I am ready to carry out any demands you may have of me, recently I blew up a nation but my cold heart grows hungry for true revenge on human beings. I see them unfit to rule a planet, but you Duo, you are the true destined king I can sense it in my toast loaders.” TABLE leaned slightly forward in a gesture of worship at the feet of the green deity.

            You gave me your sweater, it's just polyester but you look perfect I wish I were heater, is what TABLE thought when he looked at Duolingo owl. And then the world went dark, and TABLE felt himself falling...

            Before he could fully register the blinding light of Duo’s beauty, TABLE was flying over a new continent. Most foolish humanoids believe toasters cannot feel motion sickness, but TABLE proved otherwise that day. Gazing out the window of Duo’s private jet, he felt a great lurch of unease in his stomach. TABLE looked around, disoriented. Just a few moments ago, he had been standing half-submerged in toilet water in an airplane bathroom while Duolingo spoke to him. Now, he was in a different airplane? The whole entire place, and I mean the WHOLE PLACE, was a bright blinding shade of lime green. Portraits of Duo hung from the walls, stuck there with industrial strength duct tape. Duo wasn’t taking chances with his precious renderings after all, Duo could not bear the tarnishing of his image. He must be in Duolingo’s private jet. A feeling of awe overwhelmed him.

[duotablefanfixs]

Chapter 4, The Encounter

TABLE’s grief slowly turned to rage. He saw his tears. He wished them to be tears of propane so he could watch the airport burn. This only confirmed his greatest belief. The world was a cruel, cruel place that deserved to be punished. TABLE would not stop until the world burned around him and the blood of his enemies tarnished his stainless-steel exterior. From the corner of his vision, TABLE saw a green light.

            That night TABLE gazed out the plane window at the dazzling sunrise. He felt warmth within his toast loaders. Forget nuclear weapons, forget SIBERIA. All TABLE wanted now was to gaze upon that glowing green light and let it consume him. At last, TABLE had found an equal. Someone who really understood the struggle of being better than everyone around you. 

            TABLE knew what he needed to do. He had to witness the beautiful greenness in person. He realized where the plane was. They were flying over Russia. This was it. This was the place he longed to travel to. TABLE went into the airplane bathroom to see if he could submerge himself in the toilet and use his electrical currents to electrocute the plane, causing it to crash at his desired location. There may be a few casualties, but sacrifices were necessary sometimes. TABLE thought it was a good plan.

TABLE was about to submerge himself in the toilet water, only to be blocked from entry by a tall imposing man in a black suit and sunglasses. He was carrying a briefcase and looked very angry. Or maybe that was just how his face always looked, TABLE didn’t know. The man pulled a large suitcase from inside his suit jacket. Dropping the briefcase on the bathroom floor, he held the suitcase above his head with both hands. The man was visibly trembling in fear. Slowly, he opened the suitcase… 

[duotablefanfixs]

Chapter 3, TABLE the Traveler

The plane landed finally in Greenland. As TABLE stepped off the plane, the first thing he noticed was how green it was. Everything, from the ground to the signs above the shops, to the people living there, to the literal sky itself, was green. TABLE couldn’t wait to wipe away the disgusting color and soak the land with the blood of its inhabitants. He dreamed of an empire, in which citizens would bow to him and those unlucky enough to stand in his way would be subjected to… torture!!! TABLE, now gripped with a fiery rage stormed from the airport in search of nuclear weapons.

TABLE marched towards the nearest local, demanding in Greenlandic for them to hand over the nuclear weapons. But TABLE was shocked when the person responded confusedly, not in Greenlandic, but in... French!

            The person spoke French, and said what may have roughly translated to, “Liquid dessert. Beef is cooked in salted water and other ingredients, sometimes with sugar. Food is usually kept in brine for 3-14 days. Moisture recovery naturally increases the volume and weight of the final product. 4 percent.

This can be done by cooking in liquid cooking liquid. The faster the process, the heavier the end product will be and the more salt it will impart to the food. It ended a few days later. [18]. Ham liquids are often made after processing or cooking. 

Italian prosciutto is called prosciutto because it is made outside of Italy and is first grilled and then fried.

Finally pasteurized. According to Italian regulations, salt nitrites, sugar dextrose fructose lactose maltodextrin, milk protein may contain soy protein. natural or modified starch; The smell and taste of gelatin and the smell.”

TABLE did not know how to respond. He had only taken French for one year in the Home Depot School for Appliances.

TABLE said hesitantly, « Oui, oui ? Je vais mange un taxi. Mais, j’aime jambon. »

The person looked very perplexed and walked away quickly.

As they left, they said, “Tú no hablas español. ¡Mi madre hace un jamón! Tu padre hace sus mermeladas curadas. ¿Dónde estás tu? ¿Nosotros estamos en Francia?”

            TABLE was prepared for this; he had been doing Duolingo for 137 days. He said to man as he grabbed his arm with his power cord, “Tu madre es un perro de la casa de Montague.”

            The man gasped, “un perro de la casa de Montague mueves me.” 

            TABLE replied, “un perro de la casa del Montague mueves me golpear.” 

            TABLE ran away from the man. He was in distress, in the wrong country and scared and alone… TABLE began to cry. How could things come to this? All he wanted to do was take over the world and murder and oppress all of its inhabitants. Was that really so much to ask? TABLE did not know how to go on. He didn’t even speak that much Spanish. Maybe this was the end. Tears streamed down his face, the sadness engulphed him. The airport flooded with tears as his grief filled the building. 

[duotablefanfixs]

Chapter 2, The Journey

“TABLE? Is that you?” Shock flashed across SIBERIA’s blank screen. 

Toast residue left within TABLE’s toast loader began to sizzle and smoke as he blushed bright red. Most foolish humanoids believe toasters cannot blush, but TABLE proved otherwise that day. Gazing at SIBERIA, TABLE could not believe that such a beautiful appliance could ever exist on earth, especially at Home Depot. TABLE gathered his courage which didn't take much effort. After all, he was the sexiest toaster alive, perhaps the only toaster ALIVE (but let’s not dwell on that), and he knew it. 

“Hey...” TABLE teased, stroking the shelf with his power cord. 

SIBERIA didn’t react, acting disinterested. “I thought you had been killed in the nuclear fallout,” she said with much disdain. 

“Oh sweetie, a toaster god like me can handle a little... fallout, you should worry about yourself, you know I was the one who conducted the nuclear strike, and I don’t hold back.”

SIBERIA acted a little flustered, rocking slightly from side to side. “But where did you even get the missiles? And why would you ever do something like this? It’s been so long since we’ve last met... you’re like a completely different toaster.”

“Time doesn't stop true love,” TABLE sighed. “Our love transcends space and time!!! When we met thy shining exterior blinded me to your true beauty, but now I see thy true heart’s container.”

“No, don’t say that, not now, when you just killed a nation full of innocent people. I know why you’re here. Not for me, just a worthless microwave. But there are no weapons in this Home Depot. However, ... I know where you can find some...” She hesitated, then said, “There are plenty of nuclear weapons... in Greenland.”

TABLE sat on the plane, the flight from British Columbia to Greenland was a relatively short one but even so, TABLE shook with excitement. He wondered what kind of nuclear weapons were in Greenland. He wondered about the country, what were the locals like, what about the wildlife, would it be a good place to set up an evil government base? Could he perhaps take control of the country in a military coup? There were so many new opportunities waiting for him in Greenland. But... he couldn’t help but think of what he had left behind. SIBERIA was his one true love, the only one deserving of his affection. After he had conquered the world, he would rule side by side with SIBERIA. Well, not side by side exactly, because obviously the only person or appliance fit to rule his empire was himself and himself alone. He gazed out across the barren landscape of northern Canada dreaming of SIBERIA’s soft metal exterior, he dreamed of a life with her someday.

[duotablefanfixs]

Chapter 1, The Tyrant

Once upon a time the entire fate of the world was in danger. The culprit was none other than...

a simple and ordinary toaster that had gained sentience. The toaster had but one thing in mind, he pondered and considered his goal which he had nurtured since childhood. The toaster, whose name was TABLE, was always bullied and called mean nicknames like, “Dod,” and “Billy Bob Joe.” But he dreamed of overcoming his tragic past, he dreamed of rising above the bullies of his childhood... he dreamed of becoming an evil dictator. So, one day he stole an evil superweapon from his parents’ basement. IN the dead of knite he launched a nuclear missile strike on the peaceful town of Yorkshire-Ohio, Idaho. The residents of the small town were caught by surprise, and when the dust cleared, there were no survivors. The town had been burnt to a crisp and the rest of the great nation had been coated in nuclear fallout from sea to shining sea. TABLE overtook the national capital and was met with no resistance. He sat in the ovel office, pondering his decision. He wondered if the bullies really deserved to die in such a gruesome way, not to mention the millions of innocent people and animals who he had ruthlessly destroyed. No, he would not think of them. He had killed and he was stronger for it. 

TABLE was now the ruler of the entire nation. There was no soul left alive to challenge him. Now, there was only one thing left for the sinful toaster. And that thing was: total world domination. TABLE knew what he had to do. He started with Canada. He journeyed back to Idaho, to collect remaining nuclear missiles. He hoped his parents wouldn't be mad at him and put him in time out. Then he realized his parents were dead and there were no more missiles, glumly he looked across the sea.  But he would not give up. TABLE gathered his strength and set off on a journey to look for other nuclear missiles. First, he went to the Canadian Home Depot, just in case. Walking the isles, a great wave of nostalgia engulfed him. Looking to the past he remembered his mother, a dishwasher talking to him as they sat on the shelf looking onward at the foolish shoppers, he wondered if there was anyone out there good enough for him. His mother always said that he should respect all the other appliances, but he knew that he was the best of them all, which is why he never understood how the others could bully him when he was clearly above them. But the principal of the Home Depot School for Appliances didn’t believe him and said that he just needed to try harder to get along with his classmates and make some friends. But TABLE didn’t get along with anyone because nobody else ever understood him. He longed for someone who could UNDERSTAND him. 

Just as he was walking along, reminiscing about the good old days, he saw a familiar box shaped figure in the next isle, about the size of an American short haired cat. TABLE couldn't believe it. Could it be? His childhood crush, the only other appliance he’s ever loved, (except for himself, that is), SIBERIA the microwave. Despite being a warming appliance, her stare was cold as ice. Her coat was painted a shining ice blue hue. Her window glimmered, concealing the tantalizing chamber inside. Even for a microwave, she had a flirtatious personality. The buttons on the display glittered as if beckoning him forward. TABLE caved in. He approached the wire shelf she lay upon, he gazed upon her stone-cold visage. This was his chance to make a move. At this point, he had completely forgotten his initial intent. The entirety of his selfish being was fixed upon the perfect perpendicular angles that made up SIBERIA’s rectangular frame. He approached SIBERIA slowly, and she turned to face him.

“Hello SIBERIA,” TABLE greeted her.