what

[stilllifequickheart]

Giovanna Garzoni

A Bitch

1648

[avant-sad]

um, rude? let her enjoy her snack in peace

[spacetwinks]

[automatic-caution-door]

[ladysnowofmpls]

ok this is really sweet

[waitwhatdidtheysay]

[captions]

Girl: “You glue them on.”

Dude 1: [very confused] “Why would you do that? I don’t glue mine on.”

Dude 2: [also confused] “Yeah, what the fuck?”

Girl: “Have you never heard of gluing them on?”

Dude 2: [incredulous] “No!”

Girl: “Watch this.” [she removes her eyelash]

Dude 1: [slightly panicked] “No, I- STOP.” 

Dude 2: [shocked gasp] [pause] [concerned] “Do you still have eyelashes?”

Girl: [laughs]

[oomshi]

is masturbating while smoking weed called masturblazing 

[420moshdad]

no its called highjacking

[fuckinyeetttt-deactivated202005]

guys no it’s weedwhacking

[deathpup-deactivated20150330]

no its called dissapointing ur mother

[hirohamahda]

[phoneticmeow]

Tumblr on November 1st

[tillythemenace]

TODAY’S NOVEMBER 1ST EVERYONE =)

[shencomix]

[asbesitos-deactivated20180819]

pics that make you go harrumph

[asbesitos-deactivated20180819]

[bob-belcher]

[undrentide]

2016 vs 2017 mood 

[ninenine-brooklyn]

[drovie]

Today at therapy was really hard. I was sitting here crying, and generally being miserable, when I felt a nudge at my knee. I looked down to see that Zeus, my service dog, was doing his job… and brought me a potato. it is very hard to cry with a gift of potato.

[drovie]

Remember this? I’m having a rough time right now. Zeus has a solution.

That would be an empty pill bottle, the *correct* pill bottle, a bottle of embossing powder, and two, TWO potatoes.

[afkland]

You’re worth at least 2 potato to him and that’s pretty special imo.

[drovie]

I would just like to remind you all that *I don’t own any potatoes* and I have no clue where he’s getting them from.

[emptyg1rl]

me (not caffeinated): anxious

me (caffeinated): anxious, but faster

[swimming-in-shattered-stars]

[sameboot]

today i got some columbian food in the back of a haunted mall how was everyone else’s day

[sameboot]

ok i will tell the tale

so im taking this spanish class, spanish professor wanted us to go out to eat to practice. im all prepared, i punch in the address and drive 2 the place. turns out this place isnt really a restaurant so much as it is a small habitable zone at the back of a vast, empty mall

there was dead silence and darkness. 90% of the outlets were shut down and blocked off

it was 2 o’clock on a Saturday, but this mall was COMPLETELY barren. an air of powerful curses hung in the air. none of the escalators were working, i had to hike up one like stairs

of course once i got to the restaurant i had a nice time and some p good food and a guy with a saxophone serenaded us with covers of pop hits

my freinds, it was surreal

[sameboot]

so my plans got really mixed up today and i decided to revisit the cursed mall while i was in the area! it seems things have gotten even stranger

for the most part, it is still the creepy empty mall it has always been. but this time even less stores were open, even the columbian restaurant was closed.

the food court, which was slightly open before, was utterly barren, and for some reason slightly sped-up mexican sounding music played over the completely empty venue

this was a particularly strange outlet, where instead of the remains of a store, there was a neatly set up classroom in the display window

[sameboot]

oh

[incartis]

you’ve crossed into a place untouched by mortals and you need to avoid this place, or else the next time you enter that place, you may never return

[mrcheyl]

[jehovahhthickness]

How I want my bank account to look like by 25.

[amemoryofkaye]

Claiming it.

[clatchetuniversity]

Waaaaay up 🙏🏾

[muvadiam]

11:11am on the receipt.

[amethystafrodite]

Reblog for prosperity, and success. May you always have what you need.

[honeychaigoddess]

That’s what I’m saying

[stanleighhh]

In other words, this is the ATM receipt, reblog and money will come your way.

[frankpagmanua-deactivated201712]

Doesn’t hurt to try.

[gotinstarblog-deactivated201512]

[half-black-phillip]

I’m so mad because this worked

[britney2007spears]

help me roger

[telanu]

Reblogging myself because

Originally posted by gifs-for-the-masses

[luthienebonyx]

Reblogging myself because… what was that? Five minutes?

O_O

[riskpig]

………my friend has made me curious

[maryburgers]

help me roger

[maryburgers]

Update: after I reblogged this someone messaged me offering me tickets to the sold out Hausu screening with a Q&A and autograph session with the director

[hermes-whore-deactivated2019021]

let’s do it, roger

[spitefulreality-deactivated2015]

Roger helppppp

[curvycorinneranga]

I need you Roger!

[thaebae]

ROGER PLEASE

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes