I'm Atlas, 21yo trans guy from nz. This blog is mostly for my random thoughts and talking about my ftm experience.
I like to paint digitally and physically, and write scifi character focused stories. I'm not that much into Fandom content but I like Doctor Who, Foundation (the show) Enders Saga novels, The Left Hand of Darkness, Shadow and Bone (the show) and the X Files.
A blog for my writing and art will be up soon which I'll probably link to.
Not much experienced with the lgbtqia+ community as I stopped being closeted around the beginning of this year and realised I was specifically trans only a few months ago. I'm also new to Tumblr after recieving the shitposts through pinterest.
I have erratic online habits but hopefully I'll feel at home here soon. :)
"What goes too long unchanged destroys itself. The forest is forever because it dies and dies and so lives." - Ursula Le Guine
i don't really want to weight in on the "using big words in your writing is ableist" discourse happening on tiktok because i'm like 90% certain it's an anti-intellectual psyop to stir up drama in online circles to promote the use of ai to summarize literally everything and thus feeding the LLMs and lowering the populace's mistrust of such tools but i also have to say: dictionaries and thesauruses are the most accessible they've ever been. if you use an e-reader of any kind you can look up a word without leaving the page. there's a plethora of online dictionaries and if you just type a word + "meaning" into google it'll usually give you a definition. we used to have pocket dictionaries we used when reading in class. i have two on my shelf right now that i used in high school. stop letting the fascists purposefully misuse anti-ableism rhetoric to trick you into never thinking again.
Start disappointing people and not backing out of it when they are upset, reject feeling ashamed of everything including of yourself, start saying No to things you do not want to do not just things you're scared of, do more of those things you're scared of but wish you could do, make your own plans and execute them, decide to do or not do something without basing it on who will Dislike it.
Free Will takes practice, and the chance of making someone somewhere Slightly or even Very Disappointed In You. But you're an adult and you can't be made to stand in a corner anymore.
As someone in my early 20s now, I was also raised to not be allowed to express any disappointment or dislike of something my mother said, did, or asked me to do. Being raised that way prepared me to feel very stressed about the idea of expressing that I didn't want to do something to people, especially anyone who had the upper hand in any situation, a friend organizing something, or another sort of older adult organizing something, because of the reaction I would have got from my mother. But now that I'm in university living away from home and seeing other people express that they don't want to do things, or that they have a negative opinion about the options someone presents.... it's making things seem less stressful. I'm realizing that in order to not have a miserable time I actually have to take a stance. And guess what, saying no, or saying that I think something won't work or will make me uncomfortable has not brought any strain into my relationships! It's made my life better and actually made me more TOLERABLE TO MYSELF
The Rodeo Rule: you only have to do it for the first time once.
The Rohan Rule: if you are at a social function full of new people and you want to be liked, find someone doing important work like setup or food prep and offer to help.
The Tutorial Mode Rule: to navigate an unfamiliar situation where you fear you will mess up an interaction, preface the interaction by mentioning that you've never done this before, and let them know if you have a specific concern or question.
The Rocket Science Rule: most new things you want to try seem very complicated but are simple when taken step by step.
The [X] Will Remember That Rule: if you need to make small talk with the same person on a regular basis, try to save one fact or current event in their life from a given conversation and bring it up next time you talk.
The Cool Binder Rule: by wearing clothes and accessories that are to your taste instead of trying to blend in, people will be more likely to compliment you and show interest in you as a person.
Milk chocolate and dried cranberries and Tumblr scrolling at 1am because it's holiday time and I ain't got nothing to wake up early for. Going to write for another hour and maybe scroll a bit more if I'm lucky enough to avoid a crash out
Thinking about The Left Hand of Darkness and the richness of two intensely different existences side by side. Genly had a lerspective shift that made him a better person and he chose empathy which is so pertinent now.
He constantly wanted to place the people of Gethen into these gender binaries and he felt alone and strange and confronted with monstrosities until he finally accepted that Estraven was more than he previously wanted to acknowledge. And that was when he loved him. Gently was so alone on this cold winter planet, he wasn't that good at his job, and he was sexist and somewhat bigoted but his life and understanding of personhood became richer when he loved Estraven and he found redemption from that on empathy. He cast aside his ideas about what people should be and he was not alone anymore because he could accept others, and want to respect them as they were. I'll never be able to read that book for the first time again and I wish I could. One of the few that will stick with me.
7:30am arguments in the car dad vs brother. I'm so fucking glad I left home. I regret not staying away more. Unless your life is absolutely going to be worse in all the significant aspects, I recommend leaving home asap if you're miserable around your family.
I just got described as an "ad hating commie" by someone because I said a minute of youtube ads is unpleasant. fully spent 5 minutes arguing and defending youtube ads. insane stuff
Things that point to me being trans, which I am only now properly looking back on and understanding after accepting my transness a few months ago. On their own these things don't necessarily mean someone is trans, and may be experiences cis girls/women relate to, but together across the scope of my life I think it's pretty clear that these are part of my trans picture.
When I was 5 I would not play with dolls, I would not practice nurturing play with them, I did not know how to and it was expected of me to exhibit some mothering inclinations in the imaginary games of the dolls I was bought. At the time my mother was nursing my baby sister, and I performed imitation play for the approval of the adults but I was uncomfortable with it. There's a photo of me holding the sort of realistic baby doll my mother went out of her way to get me at a special store in the hopes I'd like it, and I remember how uncomfortable I felt during the photo taking.
I've always related to the male characters of shows more, I've felt drawn to their emotional struggles as if somehow I was like them, I've felt drawn to experience the kind of camaraderie and positive male interactions they have in their narratives.
At family gatherings I would look at my female relatives on my father's side, their bodies and how their clothes fit on them, and try to resign myself to the future of growing up to be like them. My mother is curvy and they are curvy and on the shorter side, and I thought that genetics would give me no choice but I didn't want that.
The idea of giving love and commitment in a stereotypically feminine way to a husband one day felt like an impending doom. I could not handle the idea of being a wife, but I've always wanted a long term relationship.
The way I've always related to girls comes from a feeling that I am other from them. I never saw myself as one of collective girlhood/womanhood and no matter what was said to me, I didn't really want that.
Without knowing why at the time, I always wanted to be as strong as the boys, and carry the stacked chairs as much or more than them, and go off outdoors with them to belong among those activities.
When my body started to develop and mature beyond the starting and middle stages of puberty, I felt so strongly that I had become something I wasn't suppossed to be, that the way my body was, wasn't how it was suppossed to be.
I used to mirror check multiple times daily, staring at my face trying to see some masculinity in it or androgeny, some quality that would make someone say I had a masculin face.
When I started interacting online for the first time, I realised that if I used my initials people wouldn't be able to tell if I was a boy or a girl. Then, I could perhaps be a boy. Schroeder's Gender. I intentionally tried to speak with male mannerisms and adopt the intellectual tones of a nerdyish boy, and a few people said they thought I was when I told them that I was a girl later. Euphoria when I knew they perceived me as a boy and acted towards me as such. They were different with me and I wanted that.
My brother gave me.an old button up shirt of his that was really big on me to use when painting, and I wore it often around the house when not painting because it reminded me of male characters in adventure stories. I took a selfie in it with my face to the side, trying to show my angular jaw. I didn't know why I was drawn to do that but it felt good.
During some particularly bad years when my family was in a religious cult, I used modest clothes to hide my figure, and when my strict mother gave me options that would "look good on" me, I had to always check if they showed my bum or curves. I didn't want anyone to see that and I pretended it was for modesty.
Femininity has always felt like a performance, for as long as I can remember it has felt like something I put on and emulate for the audience of others. When I imagine myself being feminine with a woman body and social identity, I cannot bear it, only thinking of the future of me being feminine as a cute boy seems good.
The Definitions of Woman and Man Amendment Bill has passed its first reading but hope is not lost
It is now time to make a submission to the select committee. In recent times, submissions have had a big impact on whether bills pass the second reading or not. In 2022 100,000 submissions led to the banning of conversion therapy (passing 113-7 btw!) and in 2025 300,000 submissions killed the divisive treaty principles bill. Make a submission by 02 July 2026 and make sure you clearly state you oppose the bill.
Loader page.
Qtopia's guide to writing a submission
Cis women against the bill petition
What kind of harm will this bill cause and why it's important you make a submission:
This bill will legally define a woman as an “adult human biological female” and man as an “adult human biological male”. This will allow the government to legally discriminate against Transgender, Intersex and Takatāpui New Zealanders. There have also been concerns raised that using the word adult in the definition will exclude minors from women's rights such as access to abortions. I remind you that this government does not care about women. In 2025 this government passed the equal pay amendment act which made it almost impossible for women to make pay equity claims, as of May 2026 this is currently being investigated by the United Nations for systematic discrimination against women. It has been clear to me and hopefully you how badly similar bills in the US and UK have affected Trans and Intersex citizens. In short, this bill could affect their access to healthcare, government IDs that match their gender, gendered services and overall safety. Internationally, bills like this one have also negatively affected cis women and girls who they claim to protect. In the US we have seen this lead to “genital inspections” to allow young girls to play sports and the end of Roe v. Wade which has taken away access to abortions for many women and girls even in cases where the pregnant person's life is at risk. The wording of the bill is intentionally vague, unscientific and intentionally does not define what biological female/male means. Biological sex in humans is not black and white there are many variables, this definition leaves biology up to interpretation by politicians not biologists. Vague wording is often used against the queer community, as for example seen with the ban of drag “in public or anywhere minors might be present” in Tennessee 2023 where the lack of definition of “male or female impersonator” made it unclear whether trans or gender non-conforming people would be allowed in public spaces. In a real life scenario how do you even prove someone's biological sex by this vague definition since this bill claims it will “ensure that language in law reflects biological reality”? Are for example women trying to access women’s shelters going to have to endure hormone or chromosome testing, genital inspections, must they always carry their birth certificate to prove their assigned sex at birth? For a bill that claims to support reality they seem to have not even considered its real life application. Let me know if there's anything I should add/correct to this post!
hi trans kiwis and friends. if you haven't seen the news, they're trying to pass a frankly insidious bill in aotearoa to define the terms 'man' and 'woman' based on biological sex. this unsurprisingly reflects a lot of similar cruel efforts happening overseas at the moment. IT HASN'T PASSED YET, but I figured I should speak up about it because this is happening as we speak.
(screenshot from the linked RNZ article)
it seems very fucking bleak!!!! please don't lose hope! it hasn't passed yet and a lot of the shoddy bills suggested by the coalition have been shot down already. it's still worth knowing about. you don't have to share this post if you don't want to. I just know that a lot of my followers are kiwi. if there are any updates as to what we can do to push back against this, I'll make a relevant addition. kia kaha, okay? love you all.
UPDATE: you can now very quickly and very easily submit a comment on the bill! these will be counted and considered in parliament.
it took me less than three minutes, and that's only because I wrote a whole paragraphs on why this is a stupid idea. all you really need to put is "don't pass this bill" if you want. it'll only take 30 seconds.
if you're able to and you want to, please consider reblogging! the more reach this gets, the better. thank you all so much [:
Some Legolas and Gimli and Aragorn fanfiction snippets I read on a writing forum when I was 14 inspired a story that I've been thinking of ever since.
It's a collection of snippets, conversation, events in chronological order but not collected with a plot, more like fantasy lit fiction than anything else I know.
The original series of fics were soft almost domestic about aragorn comforting Legolas about trauma from being tortured in mines or something, and braiding his hair and shit. Legolas was blinded by some violent experience and so Aragorn helped a bit. I was drawn to it because it was the first time that I read anything that gripped me emotionally like that. I was invested in legolas' suffering, in the bond between him and aragorn. I actually don't like Legolas and Aragorn as Canon characters, they never seemed that interesting, but this fic opened my eyes to the potential of emotionally driven dialogue heavy hurt/comfort chapters. So of course, I made my own version because the potential was just too good.
Enter Traan and Hunter, based in my original fantasy world. The story of Traan and Hunter has been with me since I was 14/15, at least 6 years now. Traan matters to me very much. Writing the snippets of this story has always been easy. There's no pressure to link things to some major world plot line, and there's no pressure to make things fit connected threads. Traan and Hunter build a nice life together after much tribulation. It's a queerplatonic love story that mainly focuses on mental health. After exams I'm going to take it up again and keep writing.
This is going to make me look like a stupid idiot, and i am but I grew up pretty sheltered and the only parties I went to were very family friendly. Took two gap years after school, so now im almost 21 and just been to my first "college party" with queer and artsy people. All the drunk people I talked to were so cute and funny and silly. It wasn't scary. I'm not into drinking but I had a good time anyway. I was expecting loud uproarious laughter and people falling over and talking to me annoyingly but the drunk art girls were so cute and silly. People talked to me and I talked to them and it was fun and not like the horrible time I used to have at things as a teenager, or even the slightly less horrible things in the past two years.
I will become a beautiful man as I never could feel a beautiful woman
I will wear white lacey tops, and figure out how to do nice eyeliner, and put blush on my cheeks, and wear platform shoes, and have fluffy blond hair, and be cheerful and masculin and feminine and myself
These things will happen because I will make them happen. I will bring them out of the depths of my catholic transphobic upbringing into the blinding sunshine because I am insane and transgender and trans people make themselves
