My Introduction to the ‘New Age’
I could say this became more of an actual search in high school. While I was in my dark place, I was looking for something that would allow me to be who I wanted to be, while being balanced. Something that would help me feel better about myself and give me strength to be a normal social person. During this time, my mom was going back to church and would always invite me. I would go sometimes but most of the time I would stay home because, it was my only time to have the alone time. I had a lot of late nights during this time too. Trying to escape the feeling of being obligated to do anything for anyone. During the days I would feel stressed because even though I didn’t want to feel alone, I wanted to be alone. Only recently have I come to understand that way of thinking. I didn’t want to be alone, I just didn’t want to be around my family. I barely had any friends and I wasn’t able to hang out with the friends I did have. I wanted to feel like I belonged with people my own age.
When I finally got to be around others, I would see how different their lives were from mine. How free to be who they were and go through the things they needed to to become the people they would be on their own outside of influence from their parents. I wanted that for myself. It seemed like my life at home consisted of my mother trying to tell me who she wanted me to be and how I could do that correctly. But, I wanted to be able to make my own choices and make my own mistakes and explore who I was on my own. I wanted to be able to go out and try things to see what I liked and what I didn’t like. I was never really given that chance. Any time I would bring this up to my mom she would dismiss it as me trying to go out and do a bunch of things I shouldn’t have been doing. There might be truth to that but, you can’t protect your children from everything and you can’t watch them 24/7.
Fast forward to about 2 years into high school. I met this girl that would be my best friend for the next few years. She was the most amazing person I had ever met and I wanted to be like her. Her mom allowed her to be the creative individual she gad grown to be, and she had so much freedom. I was so envious. I would talk to her about the things that I went through at home and how I wanted to escape it. I began to cling to her because she was my freedom. I felt great when I was around her like, one day I’ll feel and be as free as she was. She was strong, “free”, expressive, innovative, and beautiful. Everything I wanted to be. I looked up to her. She was able to set a goal and work to complete it. Whereas I had a book of drawings that I would never finish in fear of ruining it. Ironically she and I were very much alike as far as creativity is concerned. Even so we were like night and day. She was always dressed in bright colors, or something she made on her own. I was usually wearing black and dark colors. The friendship I had with her will always remain significant.
To be honest with you, I’m not sure how I got into the New Age but, it all happened so quickly. I feel like she mentioned it to me as a way she would stay afloat. Meditating alone, affirmations, and things of that nature. This resonated with me because, if I wanted anything done right I might as well do it myself, for myself. So, why not look within myself. It took me a long time to really get into it because I had a hard time committing to anything but, I would always talk to her about her experiences and how it helped her become who she was and is now. Before getting into anything, I would always talk to someone about it for as long as I saw fit until I made the move for myself. While I was in high school, I was introduced to marijuana and I fell in love. Finally, an escape. I used my high times as a push to finish what I said I would finish and set new goals for myself. For a while it worked for me. My creativity seemed to flourish and I was always full of new ideas. She and I would bounce ideas off of each other and even collaborate to mesh both of our styles of light and dark together. I felt like I found it. I began to fall in love with her. She was the only person who seemed to see underneath the things I would portray on the surface. She was always there for me when I needed her most. I could cry with her, laugh with her, and be who I was. She was my best friend. Of course I was reluctant to act on these feelings I had for her because I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin and I would go to hell for it. I began to question, why would God be mad at me for being loved when no one else will love me like she does?
At the age of 17, I ran away from home. I didn’t go to her house because she lived too close by and my mom would have went there first because she knew how close we were. My mom went to the two friends I kept closest to find out where I went but they expressed to her that their loyalty was with me so they weren’t gonna give up where I was. A few months before running away, I met a wonderful guy from Germany. His life was all about the worldly joys of life. Good food, partying, and going wherever he felt like. I wanted to be apart of that but I knew it would be impossible at home. I wanted to be “let out” so bad. He would always invite me to go places with him but I would always decline because I knew that my mom would say no for sure. I didn’t even have to ask. I told him about my struggles at home and how I was never able to go out like all my other friends were. He told me, “If anything were to ever happen and you need a place to go, come to my house.” This replayed in my head as I took the trash out that day with my clothes in it. I had planned this. I woke up that morning and was like, I’m done with this. I can make it on my own if I really put my mind to it. So I left. I got a ride from a friend to his house and I was there for about two days. We had so much fun and fell into lust with one another, although we never had full intercourse. When I went back home, my mother kicked me out and planned to send me to New York to live with her sister but my father stepped up and took me in to stay with him. I was a junior in high school and it was the middle of the year. As always he saw her decision as irrational.
My dad gave me the freedom I didn’t get when I was staying with my mom. I was able to start working and make my own money, and soon after, I got a car. I was still talking to the German guy, we began to date now that I was “free”. Of course this didn’t last long because it was only infatuation. I’ll have to go more into depth about each relationship I had during each stage of my life.
While living with my dad, the only rules I had were; “You can do anything you want as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else”. As far as curfew was concerned, especially after having a car; “As long as you get home in time to get enough rest for school the next morning and, keep up with your job, I’m cool. If you decide to stay out, let me know where you are and with who.” All of that seemed so easy to handle. I felt I was exactly where I needed to be to try the things I had learned about so, I began. Every evening after school I would come home, smoke lots of weed alone, meditate and do yoga. I did this about everyday for basically a year. I felt good but, only when I was high. So I was ALWAYS high. Being sober made me feel like I couldn’t enjoy anything, like I can’t be who I want to be without the push of the high. I never saw this as an issue because so many people I knew smoked, including my dad. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything to the full extent without smoking first.
After a while of meditating as much as I was, I wanted to find out if my addiction to marijuana was hindering me from reaching the next level. I did research and found out that it was. Once I found that out, I dismissed it because smoking felt so good to me, why would it be hindering me if it was the only thing that made it possible to focus on meditating anyway? Being high was the only thing that made me feel like i was worth anything. I would acknowledge how beautiful I was, how talented I was, how I could do anything, and how far I came from when I was sober. I wasn’t about to quit. No mater how much smoking, meditating, or doing yoga and other exercises to stay fit, I would always find myself just as depressed as I was at my mom’s. The only difference was, I now had an escape. But I would always end up back where I was. I always heard that smoking marijuana was a gateway to other drugs, I still don’t believe that. There are too many people that will never do anything else, who barely even drink because smoking is the one thing they stick to for safety and reliability. However, it was my gateway to the New Age movement and belief system. To be continued...
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