[en1kaa]

i'm disgustingly good at lying, so much so that i'm now unaware if my sufferings are even real, or theyre just another lie i made up to make myself feel better

[en1kaa]

12 january 2025

i sometimes fear that individualism is a myth for me/ i sometimes don't fear that it is, it just is/ i would love to die in the ocean or for my people/ heart is filled with love and the void of a recurring question of where the fuck to put it/ i like you, i love you/ i love you so much/ if we were the only people left in an apocalypse and death would be so close you could feel it breathing and feel us getting breathless, i'd still like nothing more/ where the fuck do i put it? it's taking over me/ it's taking over you, the love that's taking over me is the same love that's taking over you, my love/ we share it, whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not/ we share it/ i like you, i love you/ it's not destiny, i love you on purpose/ i love you so much/ i love you so much and my existence is the proof of that.

[en1kaa]

how do you get used to something that haunts you everyday? how do you get used to something that happens again, and again, and again and then again? it's supposedly simple, no? habits and practices, routines and schedules, that's how they develop, over a period of time, doing the same thing over and over again.

then why is it so hard for me to understand this supposedly mundane thing?

to be specific, i have a hard time dealing with hurt that hurts you everyday.

something happens, it hurts you, breaks your heart and shatters your soul and absolute fuck up every fibre of your being, and just like clockwise, it happens again, breaks your broken heart, shatters your shattered soul and fuck your fucked up being, and then again, then again and then again.

why does that not become a habit, something you get used to? or rather you do, and something is particularly wrong with me that i can't. i just can't. it breaks my heart just the same, if not worse, shatters my soul and fuck up my being, just the fucking same. never less, but surely sometimes more.

[en1kaa]

they say longing has a favourite season

when the world is quite,

so quite that it gets extremely loud

the back porche is empty,

with nothing but the void of the things i once thought i couldn't live without

my hands resemble a corpse,

yearning for a touch to bring them back to life

the baffling ache they, and i, feel is so much,

one could cut it with a knife

even though the ghosts of my past

hold nothing but delicate intentions and fondness of love

they haunt my midnights, my afternoons, and the present they outlast

as the temperature falls,

so does the warmth of melancholy from my eyes

i try to shield myself with the sleeve of my jacket

but you and i both know it's just a disguise

they say longing has a favourite season

it's december and i can tell that it's winter for a reason

[en1kaa]

i close my eyes. the air is empty, but my heart is filled. and so are my eyes.

as tears roll down my cheek, i let the heart roll down some of its longing too. and perhaps some love, some regret and some more longing. because for now, that's all i have.

[en1kaa]

thinking about my last birthday. a core memory. i was celebrating with a friend in a little bakery and a man with his friend entered and gave us a big smile and asked whose birthday is it. my friend said it's me. he cheerfully said, 'oh wow! this deserves a birthday song!'. he placed his order and came back and very lively said, 'do whatever makes you happy, no one cares, we realise that now when we're 'too old to have fun', but you're young! all the best!' then he wished me again and left the bakery.

i love human beings

[en1kaa]

i believe in love, i wish i believed in freedom too

[en1kaa]

kaisi paheli zindegani? / this is me trying. (atleast i'm trying) (i wish that was enough) / kya itna bura hu main maa? / until i feel as empty as this bottle of wine / rather be rather be, anyone anyone else / andhero mei hi rehne ke faisle kiye / i've never been a natural, all i do is try, try, try / sun raha hai na tu? ro raha hu main / maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame (i'm the problem, it's me) / khudko sataye teri parchaiyan / what if i'm someone i don't want around? / kuch toh bata, zindagi.

[en1kaa]

i miss you, a little more today.

i want to be allowed to love you again, a little more today.

if i had a penny for everytime you blow my mind, i'll have enough to buy you a rolex watch/ you're the music playing in room at 3 am in the morning. sometimes it's loud and happy, listening to it in that moment, makes me feel free and unstoppable. while sometimes it's calm, just listening to it with nothing in my head but one thought- how i never want this song to end./i have never wanted to pray for someone's hopes and dreams to come true, not even my own, but for some reason i want that for you/ i want to punch you/ i want to hug you/ i want to give you my happy meal toy and i want to lay under the stars with you/ i want to go to a museum with you and listen to you talk about art the entire time/ i even want to go to a duck farm with you/ you're my favourite person to listen to/ i could listen to you for hours and it would be a good ass utilisation of my time/ vintage stuff, before sunrise trilogy, history, and a lot of songs reminds me of you/ why are you like this/ what makes you like this/ we're very different, aren't we?/ i get you/ i don't get you/ you fascinate me/ i want to remember all the thoughts you shared with me/ i want to remember all of you/ i hope you remember that i'll be here, always/ i hope you remember that i love you

[en1kaa]

life lately

i want to sleep. i want to stay in my room, in my bed, all day, all by myself. i want to maybe dig a hole- and stay there. i want to- i don't want to do anything. i'm tired. i want to sleep for as long as possible. i want to disassociate myself from the reality. i want to do something about my brain. not because it's thinking too much, but because it's not thinking at all. i feel numb. i don't know if this feeling is real or not. i want to perhaps consume drugs because i want to feel something. i want to see if the hype is real. i- i want to- be alone. i want to hug a pillow. i want to hug a real person, but not a real person. i want to watch a movie. listen to sad music. brainlessly scroll through instagram. i want to sleep. please. i don't feel well, physically, mentally or emotionally. i want to feel well. is it bad? it most definitely is. i don't want a life like this, but in the moment, it is all i want.

[en1kaa]

i know you're feeling what i'm feeling too.

[en1kaa]

It's strange how I knew so much more when I was a kid than I know now. you know what I mean?

[en1kaa]

[en1kaa]

"breathing in the chaos, so loud, while all my numb lungs seek for peace."