hi

thank u for coming to my ted talk

[pukicho]

Contrary to what everyone says, I'm right.

[iggykoopa666]

[zoazoaa]

If you are attracted to a girl it's important to show her sinister artifacts and relics

[zoazoaa]

[bunniope]

in charcuterie city, you'll always be cheesed to meet your friends

[iamoutofideas]

I hate charcuterie city I want to go somewhere else

[bunniope]

this is all that's left.

[iamoutofideas]

this is all that's left.

[venerable-thief]

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels

[quinnception]

[butchniqabi]

a broken link is a kind of dead wife

[seat-safety-switch]

Have you wondered exactly why it is that potato chips and microchips are both "chips?" There's more, too – chocolate chips, of course – but we don't have time to go into that whole mess today. The secret will terrify and amaze you, and you'll probably go home with a new-found respect for the humble semiconductor fabricator and their down-home farmfolk attitude.

Back at Bimbo University, I used to be an undergraduate slacker attending the courses of many brilliant professors. Chief among them was Dr. Spud, who had a kooky theory that a potato could serve as a universal Turing machine. I'll save you the boring explanation of just what a universal Turing machine is, we're all friends here, but the important thing to know here is that Dr. Spud eventually went to hospital after getting an acute case of math poisoning.

As his least promising student, the most promising students left the duty of documenting his research to me. Research, as you may already know, is very exciting. You get to find out cool new things, do wacky experiments, and tell everyone at parties that you're uncovering the mysteries of the universe.

Documenting that research, on the other hand, sucks what the kids are now calling "ass." It's monotonous, boring, and you often get about halfway into a sentence before you realize that you never actually collected the data that backs up the words you are saying. So then you have to go back and do some more experiments, and your faculty advisor starts mentioning how bad it looks for you to be not publishing, and then eventually they give you the guillotine. Yeah. Bimbo University is a research school, kids, and Dr. Spud's entire enterprise was going to be in some deep shit if I couldn't at least coauthor a paper out of his stuff. He'd probably end up at Uptight University, a party school that has no chance whatsoever of getting a fat stipend from IBM.

The secrets of exactly how I managed to get that paper published will go with me to my grave. Like all undergraduates, I entered a special state of being upon becoming sufficiently sleep-deprived and drunk while in the presence of an imminent deadline. In that flow state, I was able to produce hundreds of pages of some absolute rockin' horseshit. This desperate last-minute paper was in fact so impressive that even the brown-nosing students felt like I should get co-author on it. To make a long story short, that's why I'm now head of research at the government department that makes Star Wars real. In case you're curious about the assertion from the prologue, both potato chips and microchips are called that because they're a chip off of a large block of material, like potatoes or silicon. You're welcome.

[despazito]

[gaybichon]

i think i found my new favorite artist on twitter

(source)

[gaybichon]

👆 me

[saltwater-stranded]

seal in a bubble bath

source

[i-am-a-fish]

I need to be held for 4 hours but that's my business I don't need to post about that

[autofuneral]

i come here from my home country of teusday, which is very very far indeed, and my old bones are tired. could i stay at your wednesday for the next 24 hours if you would be so kind?

[nae-nae-supreme]

when someone mentions HOES with ARMPIT HAIR

[jame7t]

its 10 AM on a weekday .

[balaclava-trismegistus]

Isn't there an industrial boiler you're supposed to be maintaining

[nae-nae-supreme]

I must find...the HOES.

,whatever it takes

[elucubrare]

i wish my brain were not full of gludge. i would like to be using it & because of the gludge i cannot do that.

[cock-holliday]

[eikonoklasms]

i like to sit and stare at my screen and do fucking nothing at all

[memorycycle]

first thing id do as a skeleton is drink red wine from a goblet and have it spill out everywhere . second thing id do is play my ribs like a xylophone