A brief snippet around the comment Travis made about Teor getting stuck in a tree in Episode 7
--
Everyone has those moments that stick with you forever; good, bad, or otherwise. Sometimes itâs a loss in the family, others itâs a celebration with friends. For Teor it was the tree.Â
That stupid tree from when he and Syd were cubs.Â
Teor was a soldier, compartmentalizing things came with the territory. It was a skill that could decide a soldierâs fate at any given moment, but that tree.
The memory would come out of nowhere much like a hidden enemy, normally right before he fell asleep. A nudge in the forefront of his brain that made him want to fold into himself out of sheer embarrassment.Â
Cyd had been bragging about how sharp his claws had gotten, claiming that he could dig into materials better than the elder sibling. A much younger Teor took it as a challenge that needed an outcome, and an outcome it would have. With a sweeping gesture towards one of the thicker trees around the siblings a statement was made: whoever would make it to the split of the trunk would have the superior claws.
Was it childish? Yes.
Would it solve the debate? Not really.Â
Were the siblings, not yet molded by war, under the belief that it would solve everything? Absolutely.
The two took their positions after an agreement that tossing a rock into the air and beginning the race when it hit the ground was the only fair way to begin with only two people, and began their journey towards the goal.Â
Cyd had the agility to make it up faster but Teorâs strength made up for his bulkier build, allowing the paler coated sibling to almost launch himself upwards from branch to branch till he made it to the split. Only beating his brother by a tail-length.Â
The duo sat in that tree for a while, making comments and jokes at each otherâs expense in good fun, before deciding that it was time for them to go home.
Only to realize that neither of them truly knew how to do that.
Climbing up something was easy, the curve of their claws arching in a way that allowed them to all but crawl up the surface they chose, but down was another issue. Normally the pair would simply jump to the ground, but the siblings didnât take the time to survey the ground around the chosen tree. If they had they would have noticed the raised roots surrounding the trunk where landing would be available with ease. If they jumped now the risk of a damaged ankle was far higher than either was comfortable with.Â
With a moment of silence and a glance towards each other they started calling for help. Gaining the attention of a passing traveler that went to find someone to assist. After a bit of time the traveler returned with two of the fire brigade and a ladder.Â
With ears flattened in embarrassment the boys climbed down the ladder, thanked the three adults, and went back home with great haste; swearing that they would never speak of it to their parents or friends.Â
That had been years ago. Before Thjazi Fang and Thimble in a time that almost felt like a dream itself at times, but every so often he thought of that day. It was embarrassing, yes, but he cherished it for what it was; a happy memory of his childhood playing with his little brother. A little brother who resided somewhere as a prisoner that he would free and see again for the first time in a while.
Fucked up thing that Vox should do that would be so fucking JUICY:
He should find a way to broadcast to all winners a compilation of every single death caused by the exorcist in the seven years they have been exterminating sinners
The angels, who were not expecting something like that, canât cut the broadcast fast enough and all of heaven has seen it at least twice over as the video loops.
A mob forms in Seraâs foyer as the winners are demanding to know what the fuck was that??? as Sera panics and tries to justify herself. âIt was necessary at the timeâ and âthey posed a threat to all of usâ and bla bla bla and I can just imagine she standing in front of a big ass screen still playing the universeâs worse compilation as she tries to justify the blood bath on display.
Then a scream breaks through her platitudes
âMary Anne?!â
Itâs a bird winner, her eyes fixed on the footage of a line of sinners being forced to walk towards the chopping block. One among them has oh such a resemblance to her.
âThatâs my sister Mary Anne!â
And then she cries, screams and pleads. A waterfall of tears and âno,no,no!â fall from her as she watches her sister get decapitated.
That opens the floodgates.
Everyone is looking closer at the footage and, sure enough, names start pouring from their mouths covered in disbelief
âSusie?! Oh dear, itâs Suzie! Oh, I canât look.â
âALAN! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! I TOLD YOU ALL THAT RAGE YOU HAD WOULD FUCK YOU OVER ONE DAY ANDâWAIT NO NO NO YOU IDIOT YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! YOU CANâT FIGHT THEM ALL BY YOURSEââ a sob, full of indignation and a sorrow that ran deep. âyou asshole, why you always getting into fights you cannot win? Didnât our time in college teach you anything?â
âBobby? Our neighbor Bobby? What is he doing down theâOH GOD PLEASE ONE STAB WAS ENOUGH WHY DO YOU KEEP STABBING HIM?? STOP STOPâ
âDad? Dad?! DAD!! GET OUT OF THERE DAD THEY ARE BEHINDââ
âMy cousin Edgar! I mean he was pretty greedy when he was alive butââ *Edgar gets decapitated* ââŠ.Iâm gonna be sickâ
âMAMA, MAMAâ *sobs* âPLEASE NOT MY MAMAâ
And it keeps going and going and going and soon enough half of heaven is in shambles with grief. Their loved ones, already condemned to eternal darkness, hunted down like beasts.
And Emily (poor young, black and white thinking, well meaning Emily) tries to cheer them up!
âThere is no longer reason for sorrow my friends for the exterminations are no more. Since a sinner has been redeemed we have decided to start anew and work into building a better futuââ
âWhat do you mean by âa sinner was been redeemed?â Interrupts a voice from the middle of the crowd.
All winnerâs eyes fall on Emily, a graveyard silence taking over the foyer. There is a pressure on their gaze, a heaviness built on grief and disbelief so potent it can be felt outside by the bystanders on the side walk.
Emily, poor Emily, under all that pressure, that heavy scrutiny from faces she has never seen even a frown on in all the years she has know them (and she does, personally, know all of them) stumbles:
âW-well, a sinner recently has atoned for his sin a-and has earned his place in heaven! Yes, thatâs right! He is one of us now! Isnât that great news?!â
âWho is this man? What sin did he atone for?â A winner with red glistening eyes who stands close to the screen that still plays the image of his daughterâs corpse being thrown in a pile shoulder high asks, his voice nearly gone.
Sir Pentious slowly slithers towards the front, hat in his hands.
He introduces himself, tell them his story, tell them his sin. He tells them how his redemption came to be.
At the end he bows and finishes his tale with:
âAnd⊠Iâm sorry for being the first redeemed after so long. Itâs very cold comfort, I know, but is true from my heart.â
The angels look at him in confusion. Why would he feel sorry?
Then the accusations start.
Not at Ser Pentious, no.
At the angels, the exorcistâs army.
At Sera.
Did my sister deserve to die again for the crime of stealing to keep us warm and feed? I know her from birth to death and that is the only sin she has ever committed so did she? DID SHE???
Mama was a killer, yes, but what could she have done? Father was violent and vile and she was desperate. She was defending us! Mamaâs wrath was my salvation from a worse fate in his hands, why should she suffer more for it?
Silva was a piece of shit his whole life and I washed my hands on him long ago but tell me: why does his brother Pedro deserve the same punishment as him when his only crime was loving his twin too much to ever give up on him and hand him over to the authorities? Itâs omission a equal crime to goddamn gang violence??? I thought he had already payed for that by getting killed thanks to his brother, I thought that was karma enough.
My cousin deserved to die twice because he was greedy in life?? Is that what you are telling me?! He was a shopkeeper! He had 3 jobs. We both grew up in poverty! I always thought he should relax a little and be less of a Scrooge with his money but outside of that he was a pretty decent dude. Are you telling me THAT not only can get you in hell but also qualify you for a spear piercing your back?!?!
And the questions and accusations keep on going and going. Furious people, heartbroken people, all off them sharing the sins of their loved ones. Some, they agree, are nearly impossible to redeem but most of them they all believe could have been able to move forward. To be given a second chance.
One sentiment is clear among the people:
Why did you measure every sin as if it weighed the same?
And Sera canât answer that.
Why did she?
The more she listens to the winnerâs stories the more her guilty builds.
Why did she?
âYou lot didnât even verify what exactly each sinner did before giving the sentence, did you?â Said the doe lady on the front, her eyes glued on the screen. The sorrow and the static on her voice making the others quiet down to listen.
âYou simply saw a group you didnât like and took any opportunity that presented itself to eliminate them from your sight. Pure and simple.â
She didnât look or listen as Sera tried to answer her accusation as she was looking for someone.
At first the the contents on the screen had horrified her but she hadnât payed close enough attention to the sinnerâs features, their faces.
Now?
Her eyes searched, searched. Where is he, where is her baby, her darling? He hadnât appeared in heaven no matter how many years she had waited so he must be down there. Learning what he did to get down there was irrelevant, a second thought. All she cared about right now was if she would be among the lucky ones in the crowd who saw their loved ones flee to see another day orâŠ
Oh.
There he is. Dead, DEAD HER BABY IS DEAD
On a rooftop fighting with all his might against Adam of all people. Wanting to live, to keep going on and now she canât even send him a letter, canât even hope to ever see him again because he was DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! KILLED LIKE A DEER IN A BUTCHER SHOP
There was a smile on his face as he fought. As he fell.
(âOh, my darling. Listen to mama: even if they take everything from you, they cannot take away your smile. Wear it as a badge of honor and hide your doubts and fears behind it so no one can use it against you and one day you will smile confidently enough that it will become real and you will be able to accomplish marvelous thingsâ
Her little boy snuggled closer in her arms, his frown and tears breaking her heart. A day of mean jokes and kicks and jabs to his clothes, his hair, his skin just to arrive home to find her husband in a drunken rage.
She took the brunt of his tender care, keeping his attention away from her already bruised boy, to her little boyâs absolute distress.
But she did it gladly.
If it would spare her baby this extra pain (the only pain she could keep him from) she would do it a hundred times over.
âSo do it for me, Alastor. Smile. You are never fully dressed without one.â
The little weight in her arms sniffed. Angling his face to look at her, a small, barely there smile was half formed on his tiny face.
âI will try, Maman.â
She kissed his little nose, turning that smile in a more genuine one as he giggled.
âThatâs all I ask of you babyâ)
The static around her was probably getting unbearable but she didnât quite care.
She missed whatever discussion was going on between Emily, Sera, Abel for some reason and the rest of the winners
(Funny enough she didnât see Lute anywhere.
How curious, wasnât it?)
She tuned back in, confident in the fact that she could catch up with what was said when she listened to the recording of the broadcast she started at the beginning of this whole debacle.
If it was up to her (and it was) she would be repeating that broadcast until Seraâs ears bleed She ordered her son killed, he was Dead DEAD DEAD HER DARLING ALASTOR WAS DEAD! ANY CHANCE OF REDEMPTION TAKEN FROM HIM, ANY CHANCE OF SEEING HER AGAING EVEN IF HE DIDNT GET REDEEMED VOID BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD
She heard something along the lines of Hell having declared war and she laughed.
Loud, hysterically.
The voices in the foyer died down but she kept on laughing and laughing and laughing.
âAnd who we have to blame if not you, Sera?â She looked a dumbstruck Sera in the eyes. Her voice was being carried to all of heaven. Every citizen turned fully to their radios as the broadcast took a turn and the host began her closing remarks.
There was grief in her eyes and a smile on her face.
âYou truly thought they would accept being butchered for nearly a decade laying down? A war is the least you should be expecting from them.â
âIt was⊠an honest mistakeââ
âHONEST MISTAKE??? is that how you are justifying this?? I thought murder was a sin, Sera.â She stalked closer to the seraphim. She couldnât care less if Sera was three times her size or if she could smite her with a blink. Her son was dead, she was more than allowed a little reckless rage. âI thought seeing a crime and doing nothing to stop itââ she pointed her microphone cane at poor Ser Pentious who, curiously enough, was looking at her like he saw a ghost. ââwas a sin, Sera!â
And Sera had the gall to stand there speechless. Her son was dead and the one who ordered it had nothing to say.
âIf they do indeed start a war against us, donât you expect me to lift a finger to help you lot. You will be lucky if I donât open the gates for them myself.â
And she walked away, almost all of the winners following her lead, none of them contradicting her threat.
Hell declaring war was now second in the angels minds as the very real possibility of rebellion in Heaven solidified itself.
NOTICE: As more and more fanfic writers are using generative AI for their works (you uncreative dweebs), I hereby swear on everything I hold dear that I have not and will NEVER use generative AI in ANY of my written work. Everything I post will be organically and creatively my own.
Savanna Squad Presentation Night Headcanons/mini fic [1/3]
splitting this into three headcanon parts because my god its long
eat up :]
Ashlyn's POV
So the question is: How did we get here? Simple answer really. Taylor. She was always the one to suggest these kinds of things, team building hang outs, though last time it was just us.
The rest of the boys had plans. Tyler had practice to attend, one of the late kinds, Ben and Logan had a project together due for bio in a day or two, and Aiden, for some reason, had a late dentist appointment (much to his dismay). Only Taylor could make it to the graveyard early. Initially, we were just meant to manage our resources, which was manageable with one person, but it was always easier with other people to bounce ideas off of. That's all it was meant to be, but Taylor had other ideas.
"Girls night!!" She had cheered, and we just hung out.
And I had fun.
But as Logan fights with his laptop to mirror on the T.V for the presenters, that being us, I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret this one. Especially with Tweedledee and Tweedledum in the background yelling about something that I don't want to know about, but will probably learn against my will.
Just as Taylor and Ben come downstairs with blankets and pillows, Logan's T.V finally projects the wallpaper of his laptop.
"It's set up, thank god," he sighs, with that last part being under his breathe. And as we set up in his living room, Ben dragging Aiden and Tyler from the kitchen, both with bags of snacks in their arms, and Taylor handing out blankets, we finally sit in our places.
The next question, however, is Who goes first?
Taylor Hernandez
Taylor goes first because she's the one who planned it and was the most excited about it. Aiden tried to go first, but it was collectively agreed that he would be going last for no reason other than to piss him off lmao
Anyways, we love a STEM girl (be still my own heart) so her presentation would be all about her tools and work for the mechanics club. She takes this club seriously, not only because it's good for networking, but because she genuinely finds it fun. I like to think that there are two levels to the club where one is just a standard club and the second level is a competition team, and she was shooting to be a part of the competition league (totally not projecting because I'm a robotics kid)
Her presentation is so well done. It's not only really well organized, but it is just so pretty. It's the type of presentation that teachers would drool over. Avid Canva user b/c it has a lot of customization options that she loves.
What's a toolbox tour without the actual toolbox that's just as decorated as her slideshow. And she takes care of it, too.
Her presentation is so fun and sets a fun tune for the night, and she manages to make this topic really engaging. She would have a little quiz at the end, too, where if one of the group gets a question correct, they get a piece of candy
shows off tools like she's filming a makeup tutorial, I saw this on tumblr, and it's just canon at this point. No criticisms are accepted because it just isn't possible.
Group's reaction
Ashlyn and Ben are the ones who pay the most attention to the presentation. Ashlyn also gets the most questions right at the end of the quiz.
Logan asks the most questions in between slides, but not in an annoying way. He does get a bit lost, though, considering just how many tools there are.
Tyler and Aiden are still bickering a bit. Aiden can't sit still for the life of himself, but he swears that he is listening. Tyler would say otherwise.
Aiden is, though, and he ends up getting Taylor a really nice tool set that she mentioned she wanted when presenting just because he can. He is her favorite for a few days. He absolutely would have a shit eating grin looking at Tyler to just say, "See, I was listening :D". Tyler would then say that he could go fuck himself /hj
Logan Fields
Logan is next. The laptop hates him, and it's old and shuts down multiple times in his presentation. The group then had to watch this man fight with a busted 4-year-old laptop and lose several times. Have you ever seen your parents fight with a printer the night before you have a school project due? It's like that, and the rest are concerned.
He is an astrology bitch, and I will take no criticisms. But like, not in the way that it controls his life, he would not be caught dead saying that the stars told him to do something, like not let him eat alfredo on Sunday or something like that. He's more interested in the concept itself since the idea of zodiacs have existed for so long. Its his comfort research topic.
Absolutely went HAM on researching each and every one of their birth charts. Ask him to show you his notes, and he would not show you. Why??? because he took up an entire notepad (it's one of the smaller ones but still).
"Logan's so innocent" "Logan's so sweet" "My boy can do no wro-" NO!!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL READ YOU TO FILTH AND I STAND BY THIS. ITS LIKE HE LOOKED YOUR SOUL, UP AND DOWN, AND EXPOSED IT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE (something tells me Tyler gets it the worse. idk why it just feels right)!!! If he feels like something doesn't fit one of the people in the group he is clear about it
"Here is Gemini, a social butterfly. Here is Ashlyn. A Gemini. I love Ashlyn, but like a year ago I have actually seen you jump a fence to avoid a group of people who go to our high school without thinking, and I would say that needs an intervention but you'd also avoid it by jumping a fence." "..."
The presentation itself is long as hell. Like he goes in depth about everything that he talks about, and if you interrupt him, he will shoot you with a spray bottle. Did I mention there's a group spray bottle? Guess why they have one.
Somehow, he is still only the second longest presentation.
Group's Reaction
Taylor is his biggest hypeman. I feel like she'd also enjoy astrology a bit, too, though she's more of a casual fan. She is also one of the few people who is free from Logan's jabs.
Ben is also free from his jabs because he helped him with the laptop, which, thank god, because Logan was about to lose it. I don't think he really believes in astrology. The most he knows is his sun sign on the surface level. He is invested, though.
Don't think Ash is very interested in astrology either, and at some points in his presentation, he just loses her attention.
Tyler gets sprayed at least twice with the spray bottle because he gets defensive. Surprisingly, I do think he would be somewhat interested and knowledgeable about his star signs at least, mainly because he had to deal with Taylor when she went through an astrology phase (let me tell you it was brutal).
Aiden is also interested and engaged in the presentation, but maybe a little too much. What I mean is that he interrupts at points and is the reason why the spray bottle exists. Logan is flattered, but istg Aiden if you interrupt this man one more time...
By the end of the two presentations, the group is in pretty high spirits and having a good time, despite the fact that two of them are a bit wet.
"..."
Logan's laptop, however, is not, and just as they were setting up Ben's powerpoint, it decides that it was a good time to perform a mandatory update and restarts.
Absolute silence.
You could hear a pin drop.
And all eyes go to Logan.
"..."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!"
Long story short, the presentations have to be postponed for around an hour and forty-eight minutes (maybe you never know with computers), and Logan is taking a walk.
Husk be scheming and doing things on his own. That means dusting off old clothes and going to the top.
Spoilers for Episode 4
---
Live and learn was one of Luciferâs favorite life mottos. He had learned how to do so early on when he met his lovely wife, and he had made sure that his sweet Charlotte was taught that lesson as well.Â
Not in any way that would endanger his sweet daughter by any means, more like âif you put water in your electronic toy the toy wonât work anymoreâ.Â
One of those lessons came when his sweet girl came with him to the office one day and the annoying moth of a demon arrived trying to garner higher standing. Charlotte had been behind his desk out of sight while he tried to have a civil discussion with the demon.Â
It wasnât going well. In any light. The stupid moth didnât get that no was a full sentence.Â
The thought briefly crossed his mind on if he was the same way with everyone in every aspect of his afterlife. Most likely.Â
Once the vulgarity reached a point that dear Charlotte would understand the phrases said he decided that it was time for another lesson.
Sometimes, civility will get you nowhere.Â
Sometimes, the only option is aggression.Â
Once the moth left the office Lucifer picked up his sweet girl to explain what had just happened. She didnât like it, didnât want to have to do it one day. He felt his heart twist thinking about how the idea would be inevitable here in Hell.Â
-----
Years later while in his office Luciferâs assistant told him that he had some visitors from his daughterâs hotel. He wasnât pleased when she brought up the idea of her hotel, but she twisted the conversation back to that lesson of âlive and learnâ. He had hated it at the time, but later on he couldn't help but be proud that she was able to manipulate the lens of that conversation to her favor. Straightening his posture he gave the approval for this guest.Â
Needless to say he was a tad shocked to see the former gambling overlord enter his office.Â
âWhat an unexpected surprise, to what do I owe this sudden appearance?â
The Winged overlord straightens up slightly. âMy apologies for dropping in so unannounced Your Highness, but I felt like this is a conversation that would be better had in person.âÂ
Luciferâs head cocked to the side. âOh? And what conversation is that?âÂ
âItâs about some events that recently occurred with your daughter and one of her hotel residents. Though rest assured, no harm has come to her.âÂ
The fallen angel leans back in his seat, waving a hand to apparate a chair into the room. âTake a seat Husker, I believe this may take some time.âÂ
The cat took their place, the former gambling overlords' tail curling around his feet as he glanced cautiously around the room.Â
âThere's no need to be so tense, Husker, you are in no danger here.âÂ
The cat nodded before leaning forwards with fingers interlaced. âOf course, Your Highness. Apologies, it's a force of habit.âÂ
âNo issues here. Knowing exit routes is a good piece of information to have. Now back to the discussion at hand, what is this about?âÂ
âOf course!â The Gambling Demon starts. â One of your daughterâs hotel residents is a porn star by the name of Angel Dust. He is in contract with Valentino.â
âYes Iâve heard the name.â Turning on his computer he pulls up Angel Dustâs file to skim it. âAnd what about him?âÂ
âThere is belief within the hotel that Valentino has created a system with his work that goes against the laws that the Lust ring has put into place regarding the sin.â The cat demon continued, explaining the situation with the porn star and his employer.Â
Once the cat is done Lucifer sighs and steeples his fingers. âThat is indeed against Asmodeusâs laws, but that doesnât explain why you suddenly care about the situation.âÂ
âDue to my recent status under Alastor I now work within the hotel. I hear a lot there, and where the infringement of the Lust rings laws is an issue, it is not the main reason why I am here.âÂ
âOh?âÂ
âI am not one to get into other peopleâs business, but the same cannot be said for your daughter. Earlier she went down to Valentinoâs studio to talk to him and it went less than ideally.âÂ
The Ruler of Hell tenses, gritting his teeth. âWhat did the moth do to my daughter?âÂ
âWhen your daughter went down to the studio, according to both your daughter and Angel Dust, she was disrespected multiple times as royalty, along with apparently licking up her arm from wrist to bicep.â
Huskâs ears flicked slightly as Lucifer smiled, almost blue screening. âHe did what?âÂ
The gambler pulled out a small notebook from his shirt pocket. âAccording to Angel specifically, Valentino started the conversation by licking up her arm, offering her a role in one of his films, then behind closed doors called her a bitch and a cunt.â Husk closed the book. âThough, I feel like what happened directly to the Princess is more bothersome than words behind closed doors.Â
"Normally I would leave this alone as itâs not my place, but I have been around the Princess for enough time that, she will not follow the issue further.âÂ
âYou would be correct in that line of thought, Husker. My daughter is many things, but one to fight for respect that is rightfully hers is not one of them. I thank you for bringing this to my attention.âÂ
The cat demon nods as he stands with a bow. âOf course Your Highness.â He turns and starts towards the door.Â
âBefore I leave.â Husk stops and looks back to Lucifer. âI feel like I should also say that, even though she didnât defend herself, she did start to attack after seeing what Valentino had done to Angel.âÂ
The King nods. âYeah that sounds like what she would do. I take it Angel Dust stopped her before she could kill the moth.âÂ
âHe was worried as to what would happen to her.âÂ
Lucifer barks a laugh. âWell, for his and your information, my dear Charlotte can hold her own quite well, being a nephilim and all, as she was conceived before her mother fell with me. Take care and rest easy, as the situation will be dealt with.âÂ
Husk's eyes grow wide and he silently leaves the Fallens office, wrapping his head around the fact of Charlieâs lineage. Coming to terms that, if she wanted to, she could level every overlord in this shithole.Â
As Husk walks through the doors of the hotel and makes his way to the bar to take off the fucking shirt and make himself a drink he catches glimpse of the Princess in the lounge talking to the idiot snake.Â
It throws him for a loop knowing how powerful the girl is as she sits there fiddling with pieces of paper making stars.Â
Slight warning for swearing and a drunk guy who can't take a hint.
Mollymauk x reader
Find on AO3
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Tavern bugs were all the same; creepy, slimy, and talented at making people uncomfortable with no effort at all. The idiot who decided to move to the seat next to you when he had been sitting at the other end of the bar the second you got your order in was no different.Â
You clocked him as he attempted to stand from his original seat, almost falling in the process and stumbling the entire way to his destination. He reeked of cheap beer and looked as if he decided that bathing in said cheap beer was the latest beauty trend. You could tell this was going to be less than pleasant.
âWhy hello gorgeous, what are you doing in a place like this?â The slurring was almost as bad as his smell. You took a step to the side, watching him from the corner of your eye while silently willing the barkeep to move faster with the drinks you requested. âNone of your business, Iâm just getting a drink.âÂ
The man leans towards you. âCâmon now donât be like that, Iâm sure I can make your night more enjoyable than this shithole.â You glance at his hand thatâs now moving to touch your leg before taking your own hand and shoving it into a pouch on your other hip, rubbing the piece of copper wire placed there, swatting at the drunkardâs hand once the spell is cast.Â
âI would very much prefer you not touch me at all sir. Iâm not interested and my group is patiently waiting for their drinks.â Your eyes glance over the drunkâs head to the table beyond where the recipient of the spell has tensed and snapped his head to look your direction. Your eyes are pulled back to the bar as the keep lays down the four drinks that were ordered. You thank her and start gathering your drinks as the man goes to reach for them. âCome now lemme help you with those.âÂ
âOh, rest assured thatâs not necessary.â You relax as the lightly accented words leave Molly as he reaches and grabs two of the cups, wrapping his tail around your ankle unconsciously. âThey have all the help they need. Why donât you go back to what I know is your spot back on the other end of the bar.â You hear the tone go slightly darker but the man doesnât have the brain cells anymore to hear the same. Instead he puffs up his chest in a way that would have been intimidating if he wasnât swaying like a leaf in the wind, nonetheless the motion makes Molly tighten his grip on your ankle slightly.Â
The man starts to talk only to fall to the ground, leaving Jester standing behind where he sat. âYou know if you're that drunk you should really go to sleep.â She glares at the man, discreetly removing her own tail from the foot of his previously occupied stool to avoid suspicion. âWho knows what could happen to you when youâre drunk to the point of falling off a stool with no effort.âÂ
The man, having his brain finally notice that you weren't alone and well watched, stumbled his way to his feet grumbling before making his way back to his original seat and leaving you three standing with your drinks.Â
âThank you.âÂ
âNo need! Honestly someone should have come up with you, these cups are really big.â Jester says, grabbing the cups that Molly had and making her way back to the table. Mollyâs tail unwraps from you as the two of you start that direction as well.Â
âLucky you had wire on you. I thought you gave the rest of it to Caleb.âÂ
You shrug. âI try to keep some on me just in case something like that happens. It comes in handy when you donât want to be too obvious your calling backup.âÂ
âThatâs smart. Couldâve used that trick once or twice myself.â Once you sit down the conversation picks back up as the crew asks for details of what happened, Mollyâs tail finding its way back around your lower leg.
----
A few hours later you make your way to the room youâre staying in with Molly, his arm lightly wrapped around your waist. You laugh quietly as you enter the room piquing his interest.Â
âAnd what do you find so funny?âÂ
âDid you notice earlier that you were wrapping your tail around my ankle?âÂ
Molly tilts his head. âI did no such thing darling.â
Your head snaps around to look at him. âOh donât play that game! When you came to the bar you did it, when we sat down you did it, and youâve done it in the past as well. Every time weâre in a situation where you can wrap an arm around me your tail finds its way around my ankle.âÂ
Molly frowns, only to have it negated by a look of mischief in his pupiless eyes. âHuh, Iâve never noticed. My apologies darling, I'll keep my tail to myself if it's such a distraction.âÂ
You laugh. âI never said that you had to stop. To be honest I donât know if you could seeing as you didnât realize you were doing it. To be honest I think itâs cute.âÂ
The frown turns to a smirk as he moves his tail to rub against your calf. âOh, then maybe I should do it more often then.â
âLong as you donât trip me I have no issues with it.âÂ
The smirk turns into a full out smile. âOh you mean like this. He quickly wraps the tail around your waist, pulling you close to him before his arms take hold where the tail had been.Â
âYou and I have very different ideas of what âtripping' means sir.â You lean into Molly as he looks down at you. âBut thatâs an acceptable move as well.âÂ
Mollyâs gaze softens as he leans down for a kiss that you happily give, his tail curling around your lower leg. This time completely on purpose.
The start of a fic set in regards to a conversation that happened between my partner and me in regards to Tieflings using their tails for various things.
M9 x Reader
slight mollymauk x reader
slightly suggestive but that's up to interpretation
Find it on AO3
----------------
You were staring. You knew it. Molly knew it. Everyone knew it and it was starting to get weird.Â
It wasnât the first time Molly had been stared at, being part of a carnival for a while, but the Nein were a bit more cautious about where they looked so as to not garner unwanted attention. Yet here you were; deep in thought, unmoving, and staring at his tail. At first he thought you were just staring into space so he started moving the appendage back and forth to be sure, only to have your eyes follow its every move.Â
Glancing towards the rest of the crew with a smirk he lifts his tail to eye height, your eyes faithfully following.
âGlad you were able to find my eyes darling.â
âWhy donât you use your tail as a whip?â
He freezes at the random sentence. âI â What?â
You finally focus on his face. âYour tail. Why donât you use it as a whip? Iâve seen both you and Jester lash your tails fairly quickly and it's about the width of my whip.â You place your bullwhip on the table, unwrapping part of it.Â
Jester was the first to recover âThat would hurt tho.âÂ
You look over. âNot if you wrap or braid it with leather or something. Youâd essentially be making a new piece of armor that protects your tail. Plus you could probably find a blacksmith and get a piece of metal that you could place over the end that would be sharper to help deal damage.âÂ
âAlmost like a stinger on a wasp.â Yasha responds, entering the conversation. âYou could grapple with your arms and wrap around with your tail.âÂ
âEven without wrapping I feel like it wouldnât be too different from clotheslining someone with an arm.â Beau leans forward, now entrenched in the idea.Â
You nod. âIt would probably hurt more than that, considering that the amount of contact would be smaller.â
âWe could even get different things to attach to the end!â Jester states, pulling out her sketchbook and scribbling down some ideas while muttering to herself. Â
Molly, finally snapping out of it, leans forward onto the table. âYour brain never ceases to amaze darling. Where did this come from?âÂ
You stare at him in confusion, slowly raising the bullwhip from the table. âYou have something attached to your ass that looks like a shorter version of my main weapon of choice. I have seen you actively move it however you want. Why are you so surprised I asked this question?âÂ
Beau laughs. âMolly they say the most out of pocket shit that I have ever heard. You canât be surprised by this. Between the threats of shaving people bald, wanting to make mimics their pet, and responding to things with random noises that make no sense, I'm just happy thereâs some logic in this one.âÂ
Fjord, Caleb, and Nott sit down with new drinks, Nott speaking up first. âWe making fun of Y/N and their mannerisms?â Jester jumps in, quickly explaining the small conversation that had happened while they were away, leaving you able to lean over to Molly.Â
âYou know, I could just braid a fabric around your tail for fun.âÂ
Molly looks back to you. âOh?âÂ
âWrap it up, put some charms on the fabric. Could even do so as to match the rest of your attire. Doesnât have to be a defensive thing.âÂ
Molly smirks. âWas this just a long con to be able to play with my tail darling? You know all you need to do is ask.âÂ
You shrug with a smile, a glint in your eye that Molly quite enjoys. âBut now Jester has an option to use to get alone time with a certain green someone.âÂ
Molly barks a laugh âOh you clever little thing you.â All you respond with is an eyebrow wiggle as you drink your ale.Â
Summary: You used to be apart of the same circus that Mollymauk was apart of. You were always rather quiet and you kept to yourself. Mollymauk was the only person to really see you bloom in a figurative way and a literal one. You start getting closer and feelings start to blossom. After things went to shit you lose sight of one another and it wouldn't be years into the future that you would meet again.
Warnings: Mentions of the Husk attack on the Circus, Mentions of torture, mentions of SA, Caps.
Notes: She/her reader mentioned once or twice, OOC Mollymauk and the rest of the Mighty Nein maybe.
Word count: 14k
When you first met Mollymauk Tealeaf you certainly didn't know what to think of the eccentric Tiefling. You had always been what most would describe as a loner, you preferred to call yourself guarded but being as quiet as you were made Molly want to get to know you even more.
After a while you certainly started warming up to the Tiefling and he started to see your true colours shining through the icy walls you had built around yourself. He certainly saw now why most of the other performers called you by your stage name "ice Princess" rather then your actual name.
You and Molly spent the next two years building a relationship which first started as friendship and at some point evolved into something more, Mollymauk would never be seen without you by his side and he preferred it this way. Everyone around you could see how much Molly had managed to change you and most of them especially Mona and Yuli were happy about it.
The day when they stopped in Trostenwald both you and Molly spent most of the time of somewhere together, not even Yasha who you also undoubtedly became close with knew where the two of you had snuck of to. You were both hidden in a small part of forest not to far from where everything had been set up, you were both wrapped up in one another quietly talking and laughing.
You had to say you enjoyed times like these, times when you could just be yourself instead of having to put up an act for Hundreds of people to see. Molly definitely seemed to enjoy himself too considering the weird purr like noise he emitted.
But alas even the nicest of times had to end and you had to basically drag Molly back to the circus so you could actually get some practice in for tonights show. Molly blew you a kiss and you caught it with your hand silently laughing before Yasha tapped your shoulder and almost scared you to death.
"Yasha! You can't just scare me like that!" The woman in question let out a snort before shaking her head. "Where did you and Mollymauk run off to? We've been Searching for you." You simply shook your head "that's not important we're here now are we not? Now come i have to actually get some training in for tonight unless i want to embarrass myself Infront of the crowd." Yasha again let out a snort before nodding.
You had no idea what had happened but suddenly there was screaming and people running around panicked, you tried your hardest to see any of the other performers but to no avail, when you turned around you saw what you could only assume to be some type of monster headed your way, you didn't know what to do, yes you had the means to defend yourself with magic but the Magic you used was mostly show you never learned more then tricks to make the crowd gasp, so you did the only thing you could do, you ran.
Pushing through the panicking crowds and away from whatever that monster was, you had hoped that you would maybe find Yasha or better yet Mollymauk but in the chaos around you that seemed impossible.
You continued running until your legs couldn't carry you anymore, you had no idea where you were but you hoped that it would be far enough from the Circus and most importantly that monster or whatever it was. You leaned against a tree trying to catch your breath, you had no idea what to do, you didn't know where you were and you doubted you would find Molly, Yasha or any other performers or even Gustav again.
So you just let yourself sit and calm down, you hadn't noticed you were crying until you saw the tears drip onto your arms, you wiped your eyes trying to stop yourself from crying but nothing seemed to help. After a while you passed out due to the exhaustion.
When you came too you were moving, you didn't know where you were or how you got there but you seemed to be on a waggon. You looked around panicked before a Knife was held to your throat, you immediately stiffened. A slimy voice began to speak "I'd advise you not to talk unless you want things to get worse." You nodded quietly and the man began to talk again, you immediately realised that the next few days wouldn't be pretty. Time seemed to pass in a blur while you were trapped you had no idea what year it was or hell even if it was night or day.
You had been right the last years weren't pretty, you tried to repress the memories as much as possible but with the scars reminding you each and every day it was hard to forget. You basically lived as a shadow of your former self, instead of being quiet and withdrawn you became scared at the slightest noise and whenever someone would touch you you would retreat back,
Your eyes which held a sort of glimmer before were empty and lifeless, but you still held hope that one day you would escape the hell that was your current life, you still held hope that you would one day reunite with Molly however far in the future that may be.
You were woken up by yelling coming from down the hall were you "room" was. You would more refer to it as a cell but it at least had a bed, that was better then nothing. The window was barred, and barely any light came through the door which was made of heavy steal. You had the mind to just stay in bed and fall asleep, it wasn't the first time you had woken up to screaming the other girls held captive were treated as badly as you were.
Though you hoped that they didn't have to indure the touches of the guards that no one seemed to stop. But something about the screaming wouldn't let you go so you stood up, your weak muscles screaming at you to sit down but you went to the door anyway, you bent down wincing when your body seemed to burn with pain to look through the tiny hole in the door.
You couldn't see much but you saw a flash of purple, you heard more screaming though this was different it was the scream of someone dying, you had heard enough people die during your captivity. But the flash of purple made your heart stop, could it be that Molly had been Searching for you and finally found you?
You forced yourself out of your hopeful dream, for all you knew Mollymauk could be dead by now, this was probably just another Tiefling, but the prospect of getting out of this awful life was worth it for you, so even with your body screaming for you to stop you banged on the door, you yelled and hoped that someone, anyone would hear you.
Your prayers seemed to have been answered when something banged against the door, you just had the time to step back when suddenly the door flung open hitting the stone wall with such force that the stone began to crack. In front of you stood an ork about 3 times your size, you backed down in fear, yes you wanted to escape but what if this was just another man trying to defile you.
Next to the Ork was a woman much smaller with blue skin, she held out her hands to calm you "shh it's alright, were not here to hurt you." You stepped back your mind still wirring with the possibilities of them hurting you, you didn't even hear what they were saying and back away further until your back was against a wall.
Both Jester and Fjord were trying to calm you down when Yasha stepped into the Cell intent on figuring out what was happening. When she saw the person cowering against a wall her eyes widened, you reminded her of someone she used to know and when she actually looked closer she realized that it was actually you. Yasha hadn't seen you since the Husk attack back in Trostenwald and she wanted to approach but seeing the look in your eyes she knew that her coming closer would only scare you more.
She also knew that there was only one way to snap you out of the state you were in, and she wasn't even sure that would work. She turned around before Yelling "MOLLYMAUK GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!"
You were still cowered against the wall and didn't even notice Yasha stepping in, you curled into yourself more when she yelled so much so that you didn't even hear the name she was saying. You could faintly hear the two people who were standing before you yelling at Yasha to shut up when suddenly everything went silent.
You looked up and saw the face of the person you thought you would never see again, your breathing stopped and you blinked, you were desperately hoping that this was real and not just a trick of your mind, when Molly turned into the direction Yasha was pointing he stilled, even with the years of being apart, and you certainly looking worse for ware he still recognised you.
You slowly uncurled, your mouth opening before you could get anything out you crumpled on the floor letting out a heart shattering sob. The minute you crumpled you felt two hands on you and that smell that was Mollymauk enveloped you, your hands immediately clutched his arms and you basically threw yourself against him, you were shaking and crying but you couldn't seem to care. The years of torture were finally over, you were finally reunited with Molly.
The Tiefling in question pulled you against him his head resting on your hair, the never thought he would see you again, after what happened in Trostenwald he was sure you were dead, but seeing you now in a cell, frail and barely holding together he couldn't be Happier. He didn't even care that Jester Fjord and Yasha were in the room he was just glad you were alive.
You looked up your shaking hands touching his face, you still didn't quite want to believe this was real, Molly's hand enveloped yours and you let out a sob, tears continuosly falling down your cheeks. The rest of the Mighty Nein came to the room as well, Nott, Beau and Caleb looking just as confused as Jester and Fjord. Yasha simply shook her head and led them out promising to explain a bit later.
When you had finally calmed yourself enough to speak you looked up at Molly "y-your real? Th-this....this isn't a dream?" Your entire body was shaking and you tried your best not to cry again. "It's real darling im here... Your safe now." You let out another sob trying your hardest to stay composed, you hid your head in his neck and he shushed you. "Let's get you out of here love i promise your safe now." He kissed the top of your head and picked you up, you were clinging onto him not willing to let go if this was in fact just a trick of your mind.
When he stepped outside of the Cell everyone else was looking at him questioningly, he just shook his head. Yasha nodded and started leaving the rest of the group following, Mollymauk stayed at the back of the group still holding you, rubbing circles along your back.
When the group arrived back at their current camp you had already fallen asleep, Molly and Yasha guessed it was due to exhaustion, so Molly layed you down on his bed rolle to hopefully let you rest while he and Yasha explained what was going on. You awoke soon after and looked around in a state of Panic, your mind not yet registering that you were safe now, when you heard quiet talking and the crackling of fire you curled into yourself before you realized what happened before you passed out.
You weren't in that cell anymore, you weren't subjected to torture and Assault of different kinds, Molly was alive and he came to save you. You were shaking trying to get your mind to calm down when a sudden flash of purple skin caught your attention, you looked up to see Mollymauk looking at you with worry in his eyes, he held out his hand "hey love...you ok?"
You blinked before nodding and immediately hugging him. He was startled for a second before wrapping his arms around you. "Shh everything's alright." He smiled running his hand over your head. "The rest of the group wants to meet you, is that alright? We have some questions." You nodded slightly "as as long as i get to stay with you." He nodded pulling you closer "im not letting you go, never again."
The two of you made your way to a fireplace, Molly sat down pulling you into his lap almost immediately. You looked to the group and your eyes immediately landed on Yasha, you smiled at her your eyes tearing up again, Yasha smiled back before urging you to talk. You swallowed before sighing. "T-thank you..." The group seemed startled at you talking all their eyes landing on you. Everything was quiet for a few minutes before Caleb was the first to speak up.
"So... From what we've gathered from both Yasha and Mollymauk..." He stopped thinking about what to say next. "You knew each other right?" You nodded before speaking "y-yes we did... We all belonged to The Fletching and Moondrop Traveling Carnival of Curiosities. I met Mollymauk and Yasha there" Molly was the next to speak "I spent 2 years getting to know her. During the Husk attack in Trostenwald both me and Yasha lost sight of her.
We don't know what happened with her after that." You began to speak again "well... After i saw a Husk i think you called it? I ran, i ran as far as my legs would carry me before stopping somewhere in the middle of a Forrest without knowledge of where i was or where the rest of you were. I passed out at some point and the next thing i remember is waking up in a moving cart and a knife being held to my throat." Molly stiffened at that.
"I was captured by bad people...they... They tortured me day in day out lashing me with whips, cutting me open and other terrible things. I... was used for my abilities and they used my body in the worst ways imaginable." Your body shook as you forced yourself to remember what those men did to you, tears started streaming down your face again and Mollymauk just pulled you closer trying to calm you down.
The rest of the group all seemed to share the look of shock that Jester was wearing, even Yasha and Beau were wide eyed with shock. Molly could barely contain his anger at what those people had done to you, he was trying so hard not to get angry that he hid his head again. "But but it's over now, you saved me from that fate and... I-i cannot thank you enough for that." Mollymauk wanted to answer but due to the sheer anger he was feeling he was unable to. He didn't want to scare you more then you already were.
After a brief silence Fjord was the first to answer "No need to thank us. We're happy we could help and from the looks of it you aren't the only one who is thankful." He took a glance at Molly who was still holding you before moving onto Yasha who just smiled. You nodded slightly before looking to Molly, you were always abel to tell when something was up with him and one look in his face confirmed your thoughts.
You leaned to his ear your fingers drawing circles on the back of his arm. "It's ok Molly you saved me from that. I don't have to go through that anymore." He nodded slightly but still seemed angry "yes but you should have never had to go through that in the first place, I'm sorry that i wasn't able to save you from that darling..." It was obvious that he regretted not finding you sooner.
You just shook your head again "Molly you didn't know, you couldn't have done anything we lost eachother in the scared crowd." He shook his head "yes but i could have tried to find you after..." You just put your hand on his cheek "No it's alright i heard what happened you had no way of getting out and knowing where i was, hell I didn't even know where exactly i was. The thing that's important is that you saved me, im not there anymore."
He sighed before nodding and pulling you close, you got up from his lap holding out a hand to him. He looked up at you before grabbing your hand and standing up. You looked at the rest of the group "is it ok if we go a bit further away?" They all looked a bit confused the only one who didn't was Yasha, they all nodded and you smiled pulling Molly with you, he followed you smiling slightly "where are you taking me darling?" You giggled shrugging "I don't know just somewhere were we can be alone." He chuckled before letting go and coming up next to you before putting his arm around your shoulder.
You two somehow found yourself in a small clearing that isn't too far away from the camp, you knew this because you could faintly make out the flickering of the Fire in the distance as well as the smoke rising into the sky before dissipating. Molly sat down and pulled you next to him only to lay down, you in turn landing on his chest "you know this reminds me of the morning in Trostenwald before everything went to hell." You couldn't help but think about Trostenwald and what had happened there but now you were just enjoying the fact that you were here with Molly.
Your head fell backward Landing on his chest with a soft thud "it may remind us of it but it won't happen the same. I promise you. I won't let you be taken from me again not after i just got you back." You smiled slightly at that nodding along to his words. "I hope this can last forever. You want to know something i just realized?" Molly let out a quiet humm looking down at you.
"Maybe Yasha was right back then....feelings do grow just like flowers." You smiled at Molly before turning your head back to look at the sky
I hope you liked this! Any and all interaction is appreciated!
I've noticed that a lot of people started following me for the dragon comic, so here's a sort of landing page (pinned post) where I'll keep all the parts if and when I update the story!
And this is how The End is stopped.  Not by the gods or goddesses, the other races than man, no.  It is Tumblr.  As a mass running after a now confused and tail tucking Fenrir, whining softly as the crowd chants âPUPPER! PUPPER! PUPPER!â
Better yet: Fenrir escapes his chains and lopes forward to destroy the earth, and is met by a crowd of people. An army, Fenrir thinks, and bares his teeth in a ferocious snarl and charges toward them.
They cheer.
Wait ⊠cheer?
Fenrir slows, confused. He smells no fear, senses no rage. This is ⊠a very strange army.
The first handâweaponless!âreaches for him; he tenses, ready to tear the offending limb to shreds, and lets out a high little yippy whine when it pats him about the ears.
Immediately the noise is reproduced by some four or five of the nearest humans; he smells excitement; more hands are patting him.
Itâs nice.
The humans crowd around him, patting him and scritching him and shuffling around to give others a chance. Voices coo, and make puppy noises, and someone catches just the right spot and he cocks his leg and scratches himself, drawing a multitude of oohs and ahhs and cheers and squees.
At some point, his hunger awakens at the scent of burnt flesh; a human has brought him what he later learns is a hot dog; he swallows it in one bite, to more cheering, and looks around hopefully for more.
It is not long before more is bought: steaks and Big Macs and bacon; it seems like much of the group has brought him a snack of some kind and was hoping for a chance to give it to him.
The End of the World is supposed to be at hand, but Fenrir does not care. His hunger sated, his battle-lust swept away by a tide of gently petting hands, he rolls over, careful not to crush his many companions, and takes a nap.
The cat in his arms is personal design for the cat named Lumi in @escape-from-reality-reads fic called Refugee
The entire idea of young Kevin slapped me in the face (Was inspired by) Like_The_Tides fic A sunset in Equilibrium
hc!
Kitten Khoshekh loves riding in his hood
Kevin prefers to wear long sleeves, just in genreal
He does have dimples to pair with the cute freckles
His third eye is very expressive
he sewed that bag himself! It started as a much smaller bag that he bought, but the cats love coming with him on adventures (for his internship at the station) So he altered it so that they could sit comfortably inside and fit with his notepad, recording requirement and various tools and knickknacks.
Yes, that grey mark on the golden button there is no mistake. He likes to joke and say its like a little moon is in his sunny button
The medallion/ necklace he wears is a little sun! When asked why its so long, the only reply was a wide grin and "Momma said i'll grow into it!"
Don't ask what happened to his knee
He usually has at least one colorful bandage on at all times! His internship can be dangerous at times, sure, but he loves it all the same and would love to ramble on about it for hours if you have the time :)
Heya! Can I please get a scenario of Law and a fem S/O who has a devil fruit ability to turn into a smooth, grey wyvern? The only issue is that she turns into the size of a thumb. Sheâs venomous, but other than that sheâs embarrassed by it and never uses when her allies are looking. Bonus: She met X Drake once and was jealous of his devil fruit compared to hers.
thank you @one-piece-dumpster-fireâ for assuring me that what i wrote somehow makes sense
Warning: i had this in my drafts for over a year. now thats an achievement + the gif is lawâs alternate reaction. bonus headcanons at the end!
Word Count: 1,1k
âItâs so obvious that youâre staring,â she sighs. âIâm not gonna do it if you look.â
âI just need my pen back.â
âYou could easily get it back with your creepy Room thing.â
âI donât have the energy. Iâve been studying for so long, how can you be so cruel?â
âIâll bite you.â
He just smirks and locks his eyes on the textbook, seemingly engrossed in it; but she knows heâs just playing coy with her. The second she turns, heâll be staring and - what a terrifying thought - calling his crewmates over to see her for themselves.
Hereâs a list of black YA leads! And ten Native American protagonists! And a list of ladies who love ladies in YA! And genderqueer / transgender YA leads! And more queer titles! And 2015 / 2016 YA books with Asian / East Asian leads! And bisexual YA leads! And Muslim YA leads! And asexual YA leads! And YA Interrobangâs entire section on diverse YA fiction!
*confetti*
⊠And thatâs why you canât trust paperclips. What else could they be hiding but a thirst for human flesh? This has been traffic.
Now, an update on the ongoing situation at the.. One second. A blood red envelope has just been slid across my desk by some unknown force, stopping conveniently right in front of me. Letâs see what it says.
[sound of paper tearing]
uh huh. mhm. ah. oh? hmm⊠i see. okay.
Listeners, it appears that in order to boost ratings for the program, station management has entered me into a âsexy man competitionâ. This is a normal thing for your employer to do and is in no way overstepping any boundaries. It says here that my first opponent will be a âslender manâ. Well. Many men can be described as slender, so to lay claim to the title of âslender manâ, this man must be extremely slender indeed. I asked Carlos what the smallest thing in the universe is the other day, and he said âhm. Probably the amount of time you spend doing the dishes.â So there you have it! This slender man must have an approximate width of ten minutes per week.
The letter does not list a time or place, only the words âdonât look⊠or it takes youâ written in pink gel pen. Thereâs also a drawing of a crying anime boy next to it. Hey, thatâs quite good. Itâs nice to see station management making use of that How to Draw Manga book I got them for national zipper day.
###
Now an update on the ongoing situation at the community roller skating rink. For those just tuning in, the rink has been occupied by angry ice skaters for the past week, yelling things like âif god had meant us to roll he would have created us in the image of a bright red Ford Fiesta Mark IV with a missing taillight and the number plate SIV384â and âwe love knives. bring back knives!â When asked for comment, skating rink owner Teddy Williams stated that âknives never leftâ, gesturing to a gaping wound in his side before being pulled once again into the crowd of vicious ice skaters, many of whom were wielding their sharp boots like weapons. I hate to speculate, but I think that wound was probably caused by the roller derby team. Some of those youngsters need to learn to look where theyâre going!
###
Another note has been passed onto my desk. This one says âalways watches, no eyesâ. This time, itâs written in purple. We must have run out of pink gel pens again. Wait, it looks like thereâs more on the back. âWe know itâs you whoâs been using up all the pink gel pens to write your romantic slam poetry. We are all sick of hearing you rhyme âgiant fistâ with 'scientistâ. Also, 'police chief Martin Brody stared into eccentric and roughened local professional shark fisherman Sam Quintâs eyes/he felt a tingling in his thighsâ does not scan. SignedâŠâ Oh. Thatâs a lot of signatures. Thatâs⊠[sound of flipping through many pages] yeah. A lot of signatures. Much to think about. And while I do that thinking, let me take you now to-
[the sound of a letter being slid across wood]
Another one? Has your point not been made? Must you further ridicule my craft? Iâm sorry that my purposeful subversion of the norms of the medium as a meta-commentary on the forbidden love between Quint and Martin in Jaws (1975) *didnât scan*. Iâm sorry that you wouldnât know real art if it hit you in the- I have just been hit in the face by another letter. I think this may be a sign that I should read these.
This first one says âleave me aloneâ. This is exactly what I have been saying! Leave me alone! A great writer has a gentle, sensitive soul that requires solitude and peace, not unwanted criticism from certain interns (Maureen) who will remain here unnamed (Maureen Johnson). Whatâs the second one. Oh, this is just a page of tree drawings. Well, if weâre doing the whole âconstructive criticismâ thing, I think these drawings are highly unrealistic. The trees arenât even screaming! They donât even have thousands of unblinking, bloodshot eyes. To forget such important details is sheer laziness. Speaking of sheer laziness, another four letters just got dropped onto my desk, and I would rather be eating my lunch than reading them right now. Letâs check in on the weather.
There is a stranger outside my window. He is tall and neatly dressed. His face is as smooth and white as the inside of a shell, if the shell you are looking inside of is both smooth and white. If it isnât, then his face is the opposite of that shell. Actually, picture an egg. His face is like the egg of a blue-throated hummingbird. One of you is imagining a chicken egg. Stop that.
He has been waiting politely for me to finish my lunch. I have now finished my lunch, and he is now waiting far less politely. I think he wants me to read the rest of the letters. Suddenly, I do not want to read the rest of the letters. I do not want to read the rest of the letters! He is being very insistent. I am trying not to look at him. All this talk of letters has reminded me that we havenât had âHey there, Cecilâ in a while, so why donât weâŠ
[banging on glass]
Okay. Okay. I am a reporter. I must report. I am opening the fifth letter. I have unsealed the envelope. I am pulling out the paper. I hold the paper in my hands. I am looking very intently at the potted geranium on the other side of my office. It has grown seven feet since last week, but still has not reached its advertised height of three miles, fifteen inches. I wonder if I have been over-watering it. I am looking at the ceiling. It is not there. It has not been there since last month, when it was destroyed by a giant flying- well, you remember. You listen every day, donât you? I wonât insult your intelligence by providing a recap. I am looking at the photos on my desk. I am looking at my empty sandwich wrapper and my draw full of equally empty pink gel pens. I am looking anywhere but the paper.
I am looking at the man on the other side of the glass, who is now- Iâll read it. Iâll read it. Please put that down.
⊠Hey, this isnât too bad. It just says âhelp meâ, written in a shaky, unfamiliar hand, pressed so deeply into the paper that the page is ripped in places. This time itâs red! How adorable. You know, in the language of color theory, red represents warmth, energy and enthusiasm.
Letâs take a look at the rest while Iâm âin the zoneâ. This one says âcanât runâ⊠Thatâs true, Iâm on the clock right now. This is not the time for recreational activities like jogging. This one is just the word ânoâ, written nine times around a picture of a shadowy figure with a face like a⊠Well. With a face thatâs not like a face. Hey, hang on! I am holding up the picture to compare it to our visitor. He is standing still very nicely while I look back and forth between him and the paper. Youâve been very good today, so please see the front desk for a lollipop on your way out. I think this might be⊠Actually no, never mind. The drawing cannot be of him, itâs far too skinny. No person could possibly be this thin, as thin as the wall of an airplane becomes when it stands as the only barrier between you and the arms of a welcoming earth. She does not understand why you keep leaving. She will do anything to make you stay. The man in this picture is as thin as about ten minutes per week. I never did end up hearing from that guy.
The visitor has left. I suppose he went to collect his lollipop. The eighth and final letter sits here on my desk. It seems lighter than it did a minute ago - or maybe my arms have just become stronger after several minutes of opening envelopes. And they say radio isnât a physically demanding job! I would like to see some of you gym types try to lift these. They must each weigh as much as one ounce.
Well, no use delaying the inevitable. Thatâs what I always say!
Oh, itâs just from station management again. Theyâre saying I won the first round of the âsexy manâ competition. I guess âslender manâ was so intimidated by my literary accomplishments and newly sculpted musculature that he gave up. âSlender manâ, wherever you are, donât lose faith in yourself. Sure, we canât all be bad boy radio hosts with a secret heart of gold, but there is somebody out there who will love you for who you are. Maybe try to do the dishes more often though, okay?
Stay tuned next for a middle-aged man trying to figure out who Herobrine is. My best guess is some kind of pickle-themed vigilante.
