[evangeliamerryll]

Hi, I’m Eva, and I love Star Trek. 🖖

She/Her, 30’s, married, autistic, STEM college student, chronic pain haver, childfree for life, American (from the Midwest) sci-fi nerd.

My name here/pseud is a reference to Neon Genesis Evangelion and Signs.

I post about Star Trek (mainly), Star Wars, Batman, Marvel, SG1, cosplay/fandom conventions, fanfiction, writing, asexuality, autism/mental health, chronic illness/pain, medical abuse, and child abuse/CPTSD. And cats. I love reblogging cats.

I mostly write Gen AOS Jim & Bones, with a focus on Jim’s Tarsus trauma. I also write my own AU where Jim has a little sister. I never write smut. Please send me messages and let’s headcanon together. My AO3 is: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvangeliaMerryll/works

I have a Batman side blog: @evasbatmanblog

I do my best to keep my blog clean- there’s no smut here, no porn, no super foul language. Minors are welcome but my content is not created for them.

I was officially diagnosed with autism in my late 20’s. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD also grace me.

DNI’s can easily be discerned through what I post.

Always trying to improve on reading social cues, can’t say I always succeed, however. Please be blunt with me.

Ain’t too proud to beg, I’m a broke college student, accepting tips and commissions on Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/evangeliamerryll

Pfp by @jelly-phile

Header by @karthonicart

Live long and prosper, and may the force be with you.

Regarding my fan works: I give permission to anyone who would like to remix, transform, or build upon them in the following ways:

• podfic (voice recording of the text that I have written)

• translation of my text into another language

• printing of my work for personal use/archiving

• binding my work into a book for personal use/archive

• fanart based on my works

• fanmixes based on my works

• fanvids (videos) based on my works

• moodboards/aesthetics based on my works

• stories inspired by my works

• stories written as sequels or prequels to my works

• “missing moments” scenes from my works

• fanart or stories based on my original characters

• fanart or stories based on my original universe

All I ask is that you tag me on the platform you’re posting and/or give me a heads up via DM on tumblr

Updated 3/31/26

[jackabbot]

ER (1994-2009) 6.12 • Abby Road

[evangeliamerryll]

I’ve been on TikTok too much so I’m going to say something controversial here that would get me cancelled there.

The whole conversation where Europeans, primarily Brits, say things to Americans like, oh your taste buds are ruined/burnt from chemicals (seasonings)! our food is so pure we don’t need seasoning! Simple food is more sophisticated and you just don’t understand that! Yeah okay that’s entirely rooted in ethnocentric white supremacy and you’re only saying it to Americans bc you can get away with saying it to us, but you’re telling on yourselves that that’s how you feel about Asian, African, South American, and Hispanic cultures.

[evangeliamerryll]

Yeah hi okay after last week’s meltdown and retreat I am… nah, nope, not any better. Queue is stacked but I’ll prob crawl back into my hole. Trying not to spread my bad mood around to (more like at) others. School is wild right now. Health is not great. For example one tiny thing that’s just a drop in the pond is both my big toenails are spewing green pus and I can’t walk. Mental health isn’t much better. We’ve been dealing with major, severe, and damaging weather and its aftermath where I live. Also summer heat which compounds my health stuff. Still house hunting which isn’t going well. Living with family is going even worse. I’m just trying to keep my head above water. Masking like crazy. But the mask cracks and it’s not pleasant when it does. Thus my retreating.

I’m basically Chekov for the time being.

[ukulelekatie]

hooray

[luulapants]

Got into a discussion about emergency response at a professional retreat recently and everyone was going on and on about agility, and I was like, "Okay but what about contingency?"

And they were like "What?"

And I was like, "Agility isn't the ultimate form of preparedness. Contingency is. Agility still requires you to flounder and figure out a solution in the moment, but if you have a contingency plan, all you have to do is implement it."

And they were like "But you can't make contingency plans for every situation!"

And I was like, "Yeah, you basically can if you just identify all of your basic dependencies and contingency plan around the loss of any dependency," and then I gave a few examples.

And they all stared at me like I'm an alien.

Anyway, that's how I figured out I'm Batman-coded and also learned how Batman must feel talking to supposedly professional superheroes who never bothered to run disaster scenarios until I pointed out that it's insane that they don't already have a plan for if Superman turns evil.

[nestofstraightlines]

There’s a phrase that really stuck in my head around this. It was from one of the British divers who enacted the Thai caving rescue, though I couldn’t tell you which one or which interview.

As he described to the interviewer a moment of panic and how he he overcame, the interviewer said, in one of those, summarise-last-answer-given-with-appropriate-levels-of-respect-in-order-to-proceed-to-next-question phrasing’s, “Wow, so you rose to the occasion -“

And the diver said, “No, actually people always get that exactly wrong. In an unexpected and urgent situation you don’t rise to the occasion. You sink to the level of your training.”

[throckmortons-thrussy]

[assiraphales]

it’s always a think piece about “why aren’t young people drinking” “why aren’t young people traveling” “why aren’t young people buying houses” “why aren’t young people optimistic for the future” w these elaborate hypothetical reasons

meanwhile the actual answer never changes: we broke, babes (and we live in a capitalistic corporate hellscape sucking the life out of us and the planet)

[evangeliamerryll]

I don’t care if you use voice-to-text.

What I do care about is if you don’t care enough about communicating with me as another human being to check the message before you send it because now I have no idea what you’re talking about.

[2mo3cm-man]

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Time passing isn’t an apology. (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[evangeliamerryll]

It’s so exhausting to constantly be asked to explain your brain to others when no one ever explains themselves to you. Why am I expected to understand everyone else, but they don’t return that same courtesy?

[evangeliamerryll]

When I say I’m so sorry that i turned out to be a disappointment, I don’t say that to be dramatic or for pity.

I so genuinely mean that I am so unfathomably sorry for being who I am.

[theorangepdf]

getting fixated on something is funny because the first like week i have an insatiable need to tell everyone i know about it and spread the good word but by weeks 2 and 3 it becomes so intense and personal that even hearing it mentioned in public makes me sweat as if a dark secret was alluded to

[frownyalfred]

me writing fics: every word needs to be correct, no typos, no incorrect grammar, people are going to judge me if they see that

me shitposting on tumblr at 2:00 am: bryce Waybe

[skeletons-eat]

New art lol

[patchworkpistachio]

happy may fourth !

and since it’s 11pm at my hometown already so… happy early revenge of the fifth, too!

[evangeliamerryll]

Yeah I wanna cry but like, I feel too numb to so ig I’ll just stare at the wall for a while

[evangeliamerryll]

Oh wait the tears have arrived after all.

What hurts most about my life rn is that no one understands me, no one knows me, and it is for lack of trying. People only interact with the version of me they want. Not who I actually am.

and god does that hurt. to know that you aren’t worth knowing. that people would rather make a fake version of you to interact with than actually put in the work to know you. they think they know you better than you know yourself when they actually don’t know anything.

how lonely this life is…

[evangeliamerryll]

And yeah I’ll explain what I mean a little bit.

It’s like house hunting. We have a budget. People keep sending me houses over budget. They don’t believe us when we say we can’t afford this. They’d rather believe we are just too picky.

When people see me missing from events or leaving early. They’re told it’s bc I’m in pain. But they’d rather believe I’m lazy.

People know my sense of humor. But when I tell a joke they’d rather hear that I need something explained to me.

People get told my history, facts about my life, my preferences, things as basic as my schedule, but they replace that info with what they think i should want or do.

So often anymore I feel (even if it’s not correct) more like a dopamine vending machine for others than a real complex person. And so lately I’ve just been shutting down. Unplugging. Not explaining. Not giving. I’m out of order. And I’m not even putting up a sign. I’m just refusing to dispense.

And yet people keep pushing the buttons over and over, still not paying attention to ME.

[evangeliamerryll]

And and and here’s the painful thing

People still love me. They care. I know this.

People send me houses bc they love me and know we are looking.

People ask where I’m at because they are aware I’m missing.

People listen to the jokes I tell and my facts of life enough to respond.

So I can’t broadly say ‘no one cares’. I know people care.

But the details don’t seem to matter enough to stick. And for someone who takes great care to remember everyone else’s details, that’s the part that really smarts.

Because I don’t expect to be the forefront of everyone’s life. I don’t expect to be a main character. I don’t expect to be important to anyone. I just want to be seen for who I am and not what people want me to be.