justme...

[evisylvain]

When you are in a public place and you feel the rush of anxiety, panic, hurt, sadness, and pain rush over you...

You swallow hard

Blink like crazy

Put your hands in your pockets

Tap your foot

Take deep breaths

Do whatever you can to hold it together even though it wouldn't take anything to break you open

[thehopefulquotes]

“I just feel so fucking empty sometimes and it’s so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.”

— Unknown

[surqrised]

“I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.”

— Ram Dass

[surqrised]

“Every word has consequences, every silence too.”

— Jean-Paul Sartre

[evisylvain]

Am I the only one sitting on the floor crying, trying to decorate my Christmas Tree.... There has been so much change in my life over the last few years.. Not all Bad or Good.... Just Change.

The hurt in my heart missing traditions... people... places... missing the excitement... Change Hurts.

There isn't enough Christmas Music or Decor that can bring back my spirit today... but I will do it so I can sit and stare at the lights and hopefully feel something looking around at all of it when I am done.... Change is Painful Today.

[surqrised]

“Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family.”

— Unknown

[evisylvain]

You are disgusting

You don't show up for me

You don't support me

You are a horrible person

You don't check on me

You don't ask me how I am

You don't ask me how I feel

You are selfish

You play the victim

You only care about others not me

YOU ARE A BAD PERSON

YOU ARE A FAILURE

I don't want to talk to you

I need a break from you

I don't want to hear from you

Don't call me

Don't talk to me

I will ignore you

I will punish you

I will make you suffer

I will break you

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

- I Guess the Old You is a Ghost (#589: June 25, 2014)

[evisylvain]

Why is no one talking about how fucking lonely it is when you kids have grown up! When they no longer want you to be part of their everyday lives. When they keep you at arms length. The emptiness you feel when you miss your grandchild but your children are too busy to visit or even too tired to let you visit them. When you offer everything on their terms and it still isn't enough. When they demand independence at the expense of your emotions . Why does it feel like when kids grow up, they feel like family time is a burden. Empty nest is one thing, but I feel like an empty soul with so much love to give that Im not allowed to show. Family shouldn't be about conveyance or convincing. I've tried my whole life to be a good mom so that one day, when my kids grew up, they might see how much they mean to me. Instead, it's maybe later or tomorrow... We will see and just let them be.... Canceled plans and don't give a damns. New traditions replace the old as I sit here alone. I understand they all grow up.... I really do. I try so hard to prove it, too. Why the fuck can no one see how heartbreaking it can be. The silence rings in my ears, and my eyes are filled with tears, but I'll dry my eyes and keep my feelings inside... hurting in a way that no one ever explained to me, that motherhood could be...

[thehopefulquotes]

“You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot it’s all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive.”

— Maya Angelou

[remanence-of-love]

[evisylvain]

The only time I write

Is for you.....

Boxes

My ears are ringing

I hear the crickets singing

Raindrops tapping on my roof

I go through all the randomness my mind creates

That it can't erase

Scrolling Searching to catch a glimpse

Staring into this world we create

My eyes are burning

But I can't sleep

My head and heart are pounding too

Numb .... tired.... broken

But here I am up all night thinking of you

Im here. Present with the past and the boxes I am unpacking

Carefully going through them

Alone to figure out

Which ones to let go of and the ones to keep...

There are boxes inside of other boxes

Smiles and Smirks

Tears and Fears

Guilt and Shame

Love and Lust

Good and Bad

Pain and Blame

The Best and The Worst versions of me

I know there are missing pieces

Frantically searching for the ones I miss the most

I can't help buy cry

Why .... Why.... Why

As they play like a movie in my mind

There is so much clutter

I am scared of what I will find

Collections of emotions I have packed away

Stacked on top of and inside of eachother

Safe and sound to go through some day

But as I dig deeper... I found you

While I lay on the cold hard floor

Im surrounded by the memories

I'll will have to put away

Back into their Boxes Where they can be hidden away

[thoughtkick]

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.”

— Unknown

[selfcaremyselfcare]

[thepersonalquotes]

[evisylvain]

When you don't react in a grand enough way for someone and then they ignore you, as a punishment.... It is the sickest form of twisted torture. The gutt wrenching pain of silence is maddening.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

"There are far too many silent sufferers.  Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares." - Richelle E. Goodrich