My Diary Of Broken Thoughts

*trigger warning*

[eyesfullofglass]

May 23rd 2021

Bro honestly I don’t see the point in living like, I’m just gonna die eventually anyway and there’s honestly a lot of pain and despair so far and very little of anything else. And I know people say shit like “live for the good days and the happy Moments” but honestly even in my happiness moments recently I feel the same as always, if not worse because it reminds me that the reason for my unhappiness isn’t my environment it’s just me.

In the happiest moments I’ve had since I met them there’s always a feeling of dread and guilt because I know I will never feel as good as I did with them ever again. And probably it’s not even about them specifically it’s just about the fact that I only think my life is worth living if I’m living it for the sake of someone else. I’m alive for my parents and for my friends but I’m not, and have never been, alive for myself. Life’s a bitch and then you die and I really can’t seem to find any kind of argument that truly contradicts that. I’m not ok, I’m never ok and the best I can do is distract myself with sex or work or tv shows but at the end of the day I’m still scared to fall asleep coz the moments before, when I lay alone in the dark, are the moments when the thoughts come and I really don’t have the energy to argue with them anymore.

[eyesfullofglass]

8th Jan 2021

I know you’re not good for me. You’re not a bad person, you’re sweet and you’re kind. You listen when I talk, you even smile when we kiss. I know that whenever I call you you’ll always answer, you’ll be there. But I also know you’ll never call me, you’ll never text first, you’ll never make the first step.

You’re not a bad person and I know you’ll never walk away from me, but I also know you’ll never take a step towards me either. Walking away from you is so hard because I know that whenever I turn back you’ll still be there, standing. Standing but never moving, neither forwards nor back.

You’re not good for me, I love you but you’re not good for me.

[eyesfullofglass]

22nd June 2020

I’m always scared of being happy because every time I actually AM happy, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be that happy again, if I’ll ever be happy at all.

The idea that that moment might be the last time I feel happy makes it so much worse, I’d rather be sad all the time rather than happy once and then never again, or never as much.

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[eyesfullofglass]

yo, you make the world better just by being in it!

Thank you, that’s really nice of you to say, but I really don’t think I do 😊

[eyesfullofglass]

13th of May 2020

I lost a friend today, again. And it’s no one’s fault but my own.

I wonder how long I have left before I loose myself too

[your-health-hazard]

[d-a-l-t-o-n-i-s-m-o]

Insta :)

[eyesfullofglass]

13th of April 2020

It’s incredible how painful emptiness can feel.

[eyesfullofglass]

2nd of April 2020

The only good thing about growing up is that eventually you have too many responsibilities to have time to be alone with your thoughts.

[http-xxaxx]

When you need someone the most, there is nobody

[skyofauroras]

I think one if the saddest things is when you don’t want anything anymore. You’re not in despair, you know you’re not alone, you know it can get better, but you dont want any of it. You’re just tired of living. I’m not sure if anyone can really help at that point.

[eyesfullofglass]

22nd June 2019

I’m just so angry all the time; angry I’m alone, angry I’m sad, angry simply because its one of the only things I can feel anymore.

And the anger spills out on anyone and everyone. So when we talked I got so angry, but I’m wasn’t mad at you, I was mad at myself and I was mad at the world but not you. You didn’t know that tho, and now I’ve lost you and I know it’s my own damn fault for being so fucked up but I miss you and I need you back because I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

[wefighttosurvive]

[eyesfullofglass]

7th April 2019

It’s never enough, never enough drugs, never enough cuts, I always ALWAYS need more. The only thing that would be enough is death but I’m a fucking coward with a broken mind so I’ll just have to wait till my self destructive ways finally end my pathetic excuse for a life.

[eyesfullofglass]

7th March 2019

Some days everything is just so much more overwhelming than usual, everyone is too loud and every light is too bright, every feeling too strong and every problem too hard. Everything is just too much and reality feels like it’s spinning out out control spiraling down into incoherent chaos, driving you insane. But there’s nothing you can do about it, except suffer through it; so that’s exactly what you do, over and over, until one day it’s just too much to bear.

[eyesfullofglass]

18th Feb 2019

I broke down today, I let myself feel and turns out I have a lot more emotions than I would’ve thought.

So there I was, curled up on the floor while sobbing like a child and I realized that I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t wanna feel anything, ever again. It just hurts too much.

[eyesfullofglass]

20th Jan 2019

You broke me, you shattered my heart and left me choking on my tears at 3am covering my mouth not to scream. You left me dying inside in excruciating pain at 3pm as I had to watch you kiss her lips as though you forgot you ever even heard my name. And as if that wasn’t enough you smiled at me and told me that what we had was never real for you and the look in your eyes was so void of emotion or remorse that I knew you were telling the truth.