I'm Amy, I like: Merlin, Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Legend of the Seeker, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Downton Abbey and lots of other shows I'm too tired to write in due to ridiculous excesses of homework and lots of rabid fangirling.
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I just would like to thank everyone who ever reblogs this so that it somehow ends up back on my dash because I usually need the reminder (especially the drinking water one)
TURN OFF YOUR OTHER PHONE AND DO NOT TURN IT ON AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE ALONE AND SAFE BECAUSE THE ALARM WILL COME THROUGH AS SOON AS THAT PHONE IS POWERED ON.
AGAIN I REPEAT:
OCTOBER 4, 2023
THE ALARM WILL COME THROUGH AS SOON AS THAT PHONE IS POWERED BACK ON.
SO ONLY POWER IT BACK ON WHEN IT IS SAFE TO DO SO.
OCTOBER 4, 2023
If this doesn't make sense, then good news it's not for or about you but still reblog it because you never know who may need to know this.
my dnd party has run into an npc who may or may not be evil and may or may not decide to betray us and the dm was in chat today like “just so everyone knows…not addressing this comment at anyone in particular…his favorite colors are red and black…wink” so now i’m desperately trying to get a real physical friendship bracelet done before session tomorrow in the vain hope that i can somehow stop this npc from trying to do a murder on my party
UPDATE: the npc was in fact a shapechanged adult black dragon with violence and conquest in his heart. however he did let merry put a friendship bracelet on him and then when she was like “hm okay how big is your wrist in dragon form” he was like “you wanna see?” and then turned into a dragon and let merry measure him for a second, dragon-sized friendship bracelet. the dm described him afterwards as being deeply confused as to why he did this or let any of this happen to him. call that the merry effect
this guy is now a recurring npc because merry was SO determined to make him her friend that it actually somehow worked. he cast dream to talk to one of my party members like “hey…how’s it going…how are the tieflings in the party…not that i care…also i’m not lonely. bye” and the player was like “is he still wearing merry’s friendship bracelet in this dream” and the dm was like “yeah…”
so merry taught naeric (the dragon) the power of love, obviously, and because his heart was open and beautiful he started dating…a SECOND evil dragon. and then that gf betrayed him and cast ninth level imprisonment on him so now naeric is our damsel in distress and we have to save him from his girlfriend, the actual villain. how the turntables…
and. in the most horrible plot twist of all. the gf stole his friendship bracelet.
i can't vibe with anyone who thinks icarus was an ignorant idiot for flying too close to the sun. "oh i'd never do that i would have remembered my father's warning and been fine". do you seriously think that after years of imprisonment, feeling the sun on your face and the open air beneath your wings, you would be able to focus on anything but the joy of being alive and free? do you actually think that if you were given the opportunity to go where nobody has never been before, you wouldn't want to push it to the limit? to dare to be the first to try what no one else has ever even thought possible? do you honestly think you're too good for your own human nature? look me in the eyes and tell me if i strapped a pair of wings to your back that could take you wherever you wanted to go whenever you pleased that you'd be careful and sensible about it. you are not better than icarus just because you have the benefit of his example.
Okay no one on Tumblr that I've seen has been talking about the wine and cheese thing, but that means no one is reflecting on the absolute weapons-grade hilarity of Boris Johnson trying to inchworm his way out of trouble by claiming that he didn't know about it
Like... that wine and cheese party was the Downing Street works Christmas do. Not just any old social, the Christmas social. There were invitations. There was music. Every single worker in Downing Street was invited, even Debbie from accounts. People who didn't work there but were important to the government got invited.
And Boris is therefore claiming that all his mates got together and had a party and DIDN'T INVITE HIM.
Not only that, but they deliberately kept it a secret from him, because no one wanted him there to ruin the party because no one likes him, and I just...
The key difference between Johnson and Trump always came down to this: Johnson wants to be liked. He genuinely does. Trump wanted to be respected and feared and obeyed, he wanted to be seen as powerful and suave and cool. But he didn't care about how liked he was. Johnson, though, really fucking does. He's a deeply pathetic little twat, and he wants people to like him.
So, his choices currently are
Tell everyone in the country that his own friends and coworkers actually cannot stand him, to the point that they arranged an entire Christmas party without him
Admit that he was there and immediately be hated by literally every single human being in the country, including his own voters (hello North Shropshire), because while the rest of us spent Christmas 2020 in a lockdown and unable to see each other and in many cases literally alone, him and his mates held an illegal Christmas party that the police are refusing to investigate
His popularity is now nosediving in the polls, and it really cannot be stated how much that will be burning him.
Also, pro-Brexit Tories are even pissed off with him now. Which is a bit like someone buying a cake called a pus cake with pictures of pus all over the box and a warning sign that says This Cake Contains Pus and Other Bodily Fluids, and then crying because when they tried to eat the pus cake they found it was filled with pus. But also really funny.
Anyway, I'm placing the bet now: we will see a vote of no confidence, OR he'll jump before he has to experience that (because it would kill him), and our next PM will be Rishi Sunak
They had a secret Christmas party that was so big that they were sending out invites to non government members which they didn't want him at, so they... what, had his mistress drug him with hefty amounts of antihistamines? He went out for the evening (also illegal at the time) and they partied hard on cheese and wine for precisely two hours and 46 minutes, then everyone went silent and snuck out when he came back?
A whole team of cleaners had to tiptoe about for four hours so they wouldn't wake up the clown upstairs.
So, let's update for those who don't know. Bear with me, I may get a couple of dates slightly wrong. First, shout out to the incredible investigative journalism and absolutely chessmaster-level shrewdness of Pippa Crerar for both digging up this story and for picking precisely the right moments to release it, morsel by morsel, to bring down Boris Johnson and possibly the whole damn government.
So after Johnson claimed he didn't know about it, then the Mirror published photos showing he was there and hosted a quiz. So, undeniable, Boris was at the Christmas party.
The Metropolitan Police declare that, even though they are investigating and fining people up to £12,000 a pop for lockdown parties, and doing so is literally their job, they will not investigate the government because "there isn't enough evidence". ACAB etc
Then, the Guardian reveals photos of Boris Johnson, his mistress, and Dominic Cummings eating cheese and drinking wine in the sun (with others around them) in the Downing Street garden, not allowed at the time (we were literally not allowed to leave home at the time). That day, Matt Hancock urges people not to have cheese and wine parties in their own gardens in spite of the nice May weather.
Then the Mirror reveals that there was actually another whole ass party - in May 2020, where 30 gathered in the garden of Downing Street (at the time we were not allowed more than 2 households meeting outside). Boris denies that it was a party, and claims it was merely a weirdly well catered work event that included his gin-drinking mistress and baby for some reason.
Then, the invites to the party were leaked by ITV. Turns out, 100 people were invited "to make the most of the lovely weather." It also told attendees to "bring their own booze."
Then an inquiry begins, carried out by Sue Gray. She is in fact a member of Number 10 staff, but no idea how independent she'll actually be one way or the other. Either way, the police are still literally refusing to investigate so lmao that's what we've got. She did get Damien Green fired for that porn thing, though, so that's encouraging.
Then this week, Johnson goes on Prime Minister's Questions. He sort of apologises, and claims that he was only there for 25 minutes but implies he then left because it felt more like an illegal social than the work event he was expecting, which is interesting, since his mistress was necking gin next to him the whole time. He should have just asked her, like. She could have clarified.
Then the Times reveals a source at the party who says that no, Boris stayed WAAAYYYY longer and spent his time wandering around and 'gladhanding' people (side note, posh people have weird words).
Then yesterday, even though we now have evidence and a confession of criminality, the Met Police announce that they will not investigate unless/until the Gray Inquiry finds evidence of criminality, which is just...an astonishingly open display of corruption, really. A real quiet-part-loud moment.
THEN, within hours, it's revealed that there were ANOTHER TWO PARTIES, except... Okay you're going to want to sit down, because shit hit the fan yesterday.
These two parties happened on the day of Prince Philip's funeral last year, aka Put Philip In The Floor Day. At the time, restrictions meant just 30 people could attend that funeral.
Which means, the Telegraph ran this headline and image:
I know we all hate the royals on Tumblr, but you have to understand just how hard that headline, and that image, and that message, hits British society. The Queen, beloved monarch, "forced to grieve alone" while the government danced and drank the night away. You cannot imagine how much power that image holds. You cannot begin to imagine the social power of it.
Boris Johnson can. He was polling only one point above Theresa May's all time low within the hour. That is a devastating popularity drop for the man who needs to be loved, who came to power on a cult of personality.
So, he went on PMQs again, to apologise to Lizzie Two. It's a really funny apology because he kind of can't apologise without admitting it and there's an enquiry going on so it's real vague, but he does cop to the parties on Put Philip In The Floor Day. Keir Starmer, in a rare display of actually providing some opposition, put the boot in quite nicely:
Well, there we have it. After months of deceit and deception, the pathetic spectacle of a man who's run out of road.
His defence, that he didn't realise he was at a party, is so ridiculous that it's actually offensive to the British public.
He's finally been forced to admit what everyone knew that when the whole country was locked down, he was hosting boozy parties in Downing Street.
Is he now going to do but decent thing and resign?
Which brings us to today! How is the Prime Minister coping with the situation?
Well, according to a leak from the Independent, he literally spent today working out which senior officials he can force to resign and take the blame in order to save himself in a move that he, a grown man who has fathered six or possibly seven children who is Prime Minister of the country, is without irony calling, and I am not making this up...
Operation Save Big Dog.
Big Dog is him. He is Big Dog. He has called himself Big Dog. He chose to call himself Big Dog.
Except, the Independent leaked it, as I say, so now he looks EVEN WORSE.
And Then
The Mirror's front page for tomorrow is revealed.
They have a photo of a wine fridge (capable of holding up to 34 bottles of wine) being delivered to Number 10.
Because, they reveal, these parties were not special events only.
Downing Street has been holding what they called Wine Time Fridays every week during the pandemic. They used to hold them before as well; but apparently, they've been particularly popular during lockdown.
Current polling as of 14th January 2022:
Labour 41%
Tories 27%
Those figures would translate to the Tories losing over 126 seats. Labour's largest lead since Tony Blair.
Side note to finish off for now:
Interesting how we now know a good 100 people who was at those parties, complete with photos, and yet Rishi Sunak is not in any of them. One might almost call it suspicious. And wonder at who the main source is.
I will try to keep this concise, and I will put in a Read More because fuck this is like... metres of political intrigue. Although first, quick housekeeping because I’m fed up of seeing some stuff turning up in the notes:
Americans stop being smug in the notes challenge. Just enjoy the clowns quietly.
It is not misogynistic to refer to Carrie Johnson as Big Dog’s mistress, you tedious voles, that’s literally what she was when he cheated on his cancer-suffering wife with her. He also dumped his wife, mid-chemotherapy, to shack up with Carrie Antoinette over there. I do not give the tiniest iota of shit that they are now married, and given that the UK press has spent two years trying to make their relationship into a fairytale princess situation, I will continue to brand her his mistress until the inevitable day he cheats on her with yet another younger model and fathers his eighth or ninth child (not an inaccurate number, this man has Disputed Children with other mistresses he refuses to take a paternity test for)
EXERCISE A MODICUM OF CRITICAL THINKING AND STOP ACCUSING ME OF THINKING RISHI SUNAK IS A GOOD ALTERNATIVE. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYWHERE THAT HE IS. ONLY THAT HE’S GUNNING FOR IT.
With that out of the way, it’s the 20th January 2022, let’s watch the elephant stand on a ball!
Earlier This Week
Let’s check the polls, after the fun of last week!
70% think he’s lying about the May 20th party, 63% think he should resign, 80% think he has not been honest, and 81% think the ‘work event’ that Big Dog described was unacceptable anyway.
But, how does that translate to politics? Well! The Police and Crime Bill is a monstrous piece of fascist legislation that the Tories are currently trying to get passed. This week it passed to the House of Lords. This would normally have been a very straightforward run through to the Queen to sign off, but LOL SOME PEOPLE ARE VERY BITTER ABOUT THE CHEESE AND WINE because instead the Lords have literally thrown out three of the worst elements.
Yes, you read that right. That Bill we’ve all been terrified about?
The Lords have rejected:
Allowing stop and search at protests without suspicion
Banning people with a “history of serious disruption” from attending protests
Making it an offence to disrupt the operation of key national infrastructure, like an airport or a newspaper printer
And then, just to rub salt in the wound, they approved two non-Tory amendments, including making misogyny a hate crime. In practice, those two amendments will now go back to the Commons to be debated more, but those three central pillars up there are just gone now. The Lords described the proposals as “draconian”, “a wider assault on our democracy”, and “reminiscent of Cold War Eastern Bloc police states”.
Never thought I’d see the day...
So, Boris the Big Dog realises he’s in serious trouble now, because that means that even MPs who supported him now hate him because his actions are costing them the fascist laws they wanted to put in place. So he has a meeting with the one Tory you can absolutely count on to blindly and incompetently support Boris Johnson regardless of literally anything he ever does - enter, Nadine Dorres.
She suggests a zippy new ploy. he needs to shore up support from the backbenchers if he’s to survive it, so she suggests he give them everything they’ve been asking for like a gift wrapped Christmas gift of shit, and they call it Operation Red Meat, because neither of them is bright enough to consider not naming their illicit backroom plans to let them go undetected, and also, they learned nothing at all from Operation Save Big Dog. Here’s the problem: Tory backbenchers are fucking lunatics. Like, this is your mad Tory uncle who thought the highlight of 2021 was that we put a picture of a crown on beer glasses again TAKE THAT EUROPE. So what bones did Big Dog throw these people?
Threatening to cut the BBC license fee, costing them billions
Also ending all covid restrictions
Asking the military to protect against asylum seekers crossing the channel so they have to go to Rwanda and Ghana for processing instead
Except cutting the BBC alienates a chunk of the core Tory votership, which is old people.
(Remember Ghana, it’s going to be relevant in a sec)
And, it turns out, while the BBC has been very effectively muzzled by the Tories, if you then try to take away their funding anyway... they just might remember they have teeth after all.
THE CIRCUS CONTINUES, let’s see some acrobats!
Two Days Ago
Remember how Big Dog’s plan is now to send asylum seekers to Ghana?
Ghana issued a press release.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, they hadn’t heard about this at all. What’s interesting is that they called the plan Operation Dead Meat. I 100% choose to believe this is an intentionally satirical choice about their view of Boris Johnson’s career.
Meanwhile, Boris has a meeting with MPs and bursts into tears. Lol.
Another party is revealed to have happened, this time in March. But Johnson is delighted by this one - he has an alibi, you see. “I couldn’t have attended,” he insists, “because I was in Chequers by then.”
Now Chequers is his second home. At the time, as you’ll all no doubt recall, Boris had delivered his speech at the start of the lockdown, on the 23rd March 2020, telling us all to stay the fuck where we were, and not to travel for anything. Not even to go to a second home. So, in the interests of fairness, yes, he probably wasn’t at the March party.
Because he was breaking the law in a brand new way by illegally travelling between homes. A brans new crime he just confessed to without provocation. Good job, Big Dog.
Then, Pippa Crerar announces that Dominic Cummings is willing to swear under oath that BJ not only knew about the 20th May party, but that he agreed it should go ahead. This is actually a bigger deal than it sounds, because it means he lied to the House of Commons, which is actually a major no-no that people are forced to resign for.
AND THEN
To call a vote of no confidence and to get Johnson to resign, we need 54 letters from Tory MPs.
It’s revealed that somewhere between 20 and 40 have been sent. This is primarily being led by a bunch of young, new MPs who came to power in the 2019 general election, who therefore don’t have any old ties to Johnson. Here’s the risk - that their inexperience means they get the timing wrong, lose the vote, and then we’re stuck with him. However, if that does happen, it makes the Tory party itself into a laughing stock no one will listen to.
Once again, I need to remind all of you that this man has a pathological need to be liked above all else. This is killing him.
Anyway, the acrobats were fun! Let’s move onto the jugglers!
Yesterday
The BBC, apparently starting to rise up again, have not just started following up on the letters of no confidence, but are sending Laura Kuenssberg to do it. This is impressive because she’s a massive dickhead, Tumblrs, just a huge Tory bitch, but even she is now wanting to put the boot in, it seems.
Six MPs have now gone on public record and announced they’ve sent a letter, and the BBC has found a 7th. Laura reports that 20 Tory MPs first elected in 2019 met to discuss submitting letters. This letter writing campaign gets called the Pork Pie Plot, because one of the MPs has a constituency including Melton Mowbrey, apparently, and thus the tradition of needlessly giving dramatic names to every fucking thought these people have is continued.
Afterwards, a Pork Pie Person says “I think we’ve done it – difficult to tell, though.”
In response, BJ holds urgent one on one meetings with MPs in the Pork Pie Plot where he was described as “broken and close to tears” and begged them not to leave. He promises them more money for their constituencies if they stay loyal, and threatens to withdraw funding for projects in their seats if not.
(This will come back to bite him in a minute)
Meanwhile, the Private Eye runs an interesting story. Remember the Queen, forced to grieve alone on Put Philip in the Floor Day? While the government partied? Apparently, Downing St offered the Queen a lockdown easing in time for the funeral, so she could have more people there. But she turned it down because… it’s not safe? She cares about optics? Who knows.
And then, it’s time for Prime Minister’s Questions, at which the following happened:
Johnson claims that he simply didn’t know the parties he held during lockdown were against the rules. This is a fascinating assertion from the man who made the rules, of course, but Dominic Cummings has announced that he personally had warned him, as did two others. Sue Grey, in response, announces that she will be interviewing Dominic Cummings
THE DEFECTION OF CHRISTIAN WAKEFIELD OH MY GOD. He was a Tory MP who got pulled into the office by the whip, and the whip tried to bully him and take his seat if he wouldn’t support BJ. So with the cameras rolling, in full view of everyone, he stood up, walked across the floor of the House of Commons to the Labour benches, and SAT DIRECTLY BEHIND KEIR STARMER I mean this man is a repugnant toad but my god, the DRAMA, the SYMBOLISM, I only wish he’d worn a cape
There are many Tories called David Davies, and they’re all appalling. This one is the least appalling, which really says nothing, it’s like comparing three virulent diseases. But: David Davies stood up from the back benches. He read out a speech, which he said was first given to then-PM Neville Chamberlin on the eve of WW2, urging him to stand down and allow Winston Churchill in. 'You have sat there too long for all the good you have done, in the name of god go'.
Johnson’s response to that last one was “I don’t actually know that speech,” which as defences go, isn’t one. A bit like saying “I didn’t rape Virginia Guiffre because I can’t sweat” for how useful or relevant it is, even if it’s true.
But like Prince Andrew, it definitely isn’t true anyway - Boris Johnson once wrote a book about Churchill and included that speech. However, no one is pushing that angle too hard, because this has made people read his book, and now the focus is on the fact that he made up most of the contents. Like, there’s a bit in it where he claims Germany seized Stalingrad during WW2, that level of made up. Here is a historian tearing it to shreds if you want history nerd drama.
The jugglers were fun! Now let’s see what you all came for: the clowns. Here’s the backing music if you want to get the full experience.
Today
Well, let’s start with the front page of the Independent.
You love to see it.
Downing Street have realised that the best thing they can do right now is to refute strongly only the things they think might be true, so they’ve given up on quotes about parties and instead are issuing official statements denying that:
Boris Johnson is called Big Dog by anyone, and
Boris Johnson cried
Precisely no one believes that, either.
Here’s Diana Johnson MP, asking another brutal question: “If the PM is spending his time trying to convince the British public that he’s stupid instead of dishonest, isn’t it time he goes? Now?”
Meanwhile the Telegraph have announced that a further 5 Tories are considering defecting. But why could this be? Well.
Remember how I said that BJ would come to regret offering MPs money for loyalty and threatening them with no money if they rebelled?
IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES, while I have literally been writing this post okay okay I am so high on the Drama right now, let me calm down
Right, so, Will Wragg MP. Yes, that’s his real name.
He’s a newbie as of 2019, and one of the MPs who has publicly admitted to a letter. He’s also the chair of the Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs Committee, and I’m sure he has nice eyes or something.
HE HAS ACCUSED NUMBER 10 OF BLACKMAIL
No 10 staff, special advisors and government ministers, he says, said there would be embarrassing stories leaked to the press if MPs did not support the PM
They also repeated those funding threats.
Quoth Will Wragg, “The intimidation of a MP is a serious matter, the reports of which I’m aware would seem to constitute blackmail.”
And he has urged other MPs to contact - and I need you to sit down for this one, I’m crying, this is incredible -
He has urged other blackmailed MPs, if they feel threatened, to contact THE METROPOLITAN POLICE
THE POLICE WHO ARE LITERALLY REFUSING TO INVESTIGATE
THE ONES WHO ARE RUN BY SAJID JAVID’S BROTHER
THOSE ONES
This is the fucking funniest thing that has ever happened.
To round off, let’s check in with the Ringmaster!
Rishi Sunak has been in contact with the Pork Pie Plot People, and has asked them what they need and what he can do to help. No one knows yet if he means “Help get rid of Johnson” or “Help you feel happier with Johnson”. All very interesting I’m sure.
This is the clearest, most concise, informative and definitely FUCKING FUNNIEST description of what UK's been up to in the last weeks. Mainstream press could never.
@becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys, is it ok to share this post outside of tumblr? Because I feel like anyone who's been to exhausted to so much as look at news lately will very much appreciate your reporting.
Also, that speech given against Chamberlain in 1939/1940 that you were talking about, "You have sat here too long to do any good, For the Love of God, go," I thought that was real? It's quoted and/or mentioned in "Princes At War" by Deborah Cadbury and I believe in "The Last Lion," a Churchill bio? That's not real?
The princess was cursed that her first husband would die a horrible death. In order to avoid this horrible fate the royal family used you as a scapegoat and married you to the princess. But because of your immortality you have died over 20 times and still come back to life.
“Darling one of these days we should really let my parents in on your, um, condition.”
The arrow lodged within my chest comes out cleanly as I remove it, admiring the feathers before adding it to my collection. “Now where’s the fun in that, love? Their assassins are just starting to get creative.”
(this prompt was keeping me up at night so here you go… A bit different than how I normally write but I had fun with it!)
My first brush with death was, technically speaking, before I was really alive.
You see, my father was a necromancer who saved his lady love from an untimely end. Coincidentally, she was also with child at the time of this little intervention. There’s no telling if he ever considered the ramifications of his defiance of fate that day. I never did ask. I don’t know that it would have made much of a difference. So long as he had my mother back.
We lived well, my parents and I. My father made his living as a “healer” whose reputation preceded him in a number of social circles, bringing with it many a well paying customer hoping to buy his discrepancy. Duelists who let things get out of hand. Those with secrets and regrets they wished to undo as quietly as possible. Their reasons never really mattered much so long as they paid in full. Some made surprisingly good children’s entertainers. But I suppose people will do just about anything when there’s a life on the line. Even answer an endless stream of questions from a child up passed their bedtime.
By the time of my second brush with death I had grown into a young man. All told it was rather underwhelming. The stable had caught fire from a lightning strike. In my rush to save the horses I foolishly turned my back on our more unpredictable mare, earning me an unfortunate blow to the head.
I woke up in the mud before my father even reached the scene. I assumed then that I had just been lucky. If my parents had any suspicions to the contrary, they never voiced them.
Just to be clear this would not make them unable to make the movies they’d just have to properly pay the creators and their families for the use of the characters.
No no, you don’t get it. Jesse and James are the absolute best there is at their jobs, but they have no idea what their jobs are.
They think that they’re thieves, agents of an elite criminal group led by Giovanni, stealing rare pokemon and advanced technology and such. And there might have been a time this actually was their jobs. In the first season or two, they frequently get angry phone calls about how they’ve fucked everything up, or get their expense account cut off because they have literally never turned a profit on their criminal enterprises and constantly procure and then lose/destroy expensive and elaborate devices.
But then the world came within a hair’s breadth of being destroyed, several times, and Jesse, James, and their weird cat rescued everybody. As terrible as they’ve always been at criminal endeavors of any kind, when the apocalypse approaches and they’re forced to step up, they’re really fucking good at saving the day.
And Giovanni is over here like… if the planet is destroyed, or time/space becomes unrecognizable, or civilization collapses, there’s no way for me to run a profitable criminal enterprise anymore. I need this planet, because it’s where I keep all my stuff. And I don’t pretend to understand the why of it, but these couple of bumbling nutcases that I should have fired years ago seem to be an important component of that? Somehow? So you gotta stop thinking about them in terms of acquisitions and start considering them… loss prevention. As in, even if you waste a million dollars a month on giant cat-faced robots and a vast array of fancy ball gowns and they never turn a profit, they are preventing all of your assets from going away at the same time because of something you can’t do anything about.
And that’s the great secret behind Team Rocket. These guys aren’t thieves, they’re professional superheroes (sponsored by organized crime). Of course, nobody ever bothered to tell them that.
Plus, as is frequently pointed out: Jesse and James are good at every other job EXCEPT Team Rocket. They’re actually smart businesspeople and run successful food and merchandise stands and are great salespeople.
Hell, even in Team Rocket situations where they’re not chasing after Pikachu they’ve done better.
It’s just their Achilles Heel is one damn OP rodent.
No no, you don’t get it. Jesse and James are the absolute best there is at their jobs, but they have no idea what their jobs are.
They think that they’re thieves, agents of an elite criminal group led by Giovanni, stealing rare pokemon and advanced technology and such. And there might have been a time this actually was their jobs. In the first season or two, they frequently get angry phone calls about how they’ve fucked everything up, or get their expense account cut off because they have literally never turned a profit on their criminal enterprises and constantly procure and then lose/destroy expensive and elaborate devices.
But then the world came within a hair’s breadth of being destroyed, several times, and Jesse, James, and their weird cat rescued everybody. As terrible as they’ve always been at criminal endeavors of any kind, when the apocalypse approaches and they’re forced to step up, they’re really fucking good at saving the day.
And Giovanni is over here like… if the planet is destroyed, or time/space becomes unrecognizable, or civilization collapses, there’s no way for me to run a profitable criminal enterprise anymore. I need this planet, because it’s where I keep all my stuff. And I don’t pretend to understand the why of it, but these couple of bumbling nutcases that I should have fired years ago seem to be an important component of that? Somehow? So you gotta stop thinking about them in terms of acquisitions and start considering them… loss prevention. As in, even if you waste a million dollars a month on giant cat-faced robots and a vast array of fancy ball gowns and they never turn a profit, they are preventing all of your assets from going away at the same time because of something you can’t do anything about.
And that’s the great secret behind Team Rocket. These guys aren’t thieves, they’re professional superheroes (sponsored by organized crime). Of course, nobody ever bothered to tell them that.
Plus, as is frequently pointed out: Jesse and James are good at every other job EXCEPT Team Rocket. They’re actually smart businesspeople and run successful food and merchandise stands and are great salespeople.
Hell, even in Team Rocket situations where they’re not chasing after Pikachu they’ve done better.
It’s just their Achilles Heel is one damn OP rodent.
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