moodz

Thoughts, feelings and you guessed it: chaos ;) Demi and ADHD 🏳️‍🌈

[fallingsunflowerz]

Oh how I love those unreachable, hierarchy-based crushes where all I can do is admire them from afar, wishing they would notice me, knowing that even if they felt the same way, it could never be.

I never know if they are a hyperfixation or an actual crush and it is so confusing. All I know is I am obsessed.

[fallingsunflowerz]

Personally, the worst part about knowing that I have ADHD is being so painfully aware that I not only should but also want to do quite a few things with my time and I just...don't. Instead I spend way too much time procrastinating or on my phone and I am really struggling with FOMO lately. I don't want to look back and be sad that all I did was stare into a stupid screen when life just passed me by. I am seriously considering getting a dumb phone.

It's hard to feel alive if you refuse to take part in life.

[fallingsunflowerz]

I do miss you sometimes. Not...in a painful way. More like, wondering what you're up to and how you are doing. Sometimes I get so close to texting you. But then I don't. Maybe because it isn't the right time or just because...you probably don't feel the same way about me.

[fallingsunflowerz]

And now I am sitting here, in my apartment, eating food I cooked myself, with my pets, watching my series. I've socialised, I've had time for myself, I did my chores, I showered.

So why, for fucks sake, am I not happy??

[fallingsunflowerz]

I feel like love has so many facettes, it makes it really hard to figure out which ones I actually want to learn to understand. Like...what is compatibility? And what is love...?

[fallingsunflowerz]

Sometimes I still wonder about you and then I wonder why I still do that, after all this time...

[fallingsunflowerz]

I just found this blog again and while I think that all my feelings are valid, I had to laugh a bit at some of the things I wrote.

I came to realise that getting older, therapy and an ADHD diagnosis + medication kinda helped.

I still have my darker days and my struggles and I still have growth and healing I want to do.

I'll probably keep rambling about but I am grateful for the experiences I had, even if some of them really sucked.

[fallingsunflowerz]

How do I tell you without telling you?

Without telling you...

...that you take my breath away without even trying, but in the most gentle way I've ever experienced?

...that your voice instantly has my attention as soon as I hear it somewhere and I could listen to you talk for hours?

...that you have the most beautiful face and I have such a hard time taking my eyes of you?

...that your energy is magnetic, pulling me towards you, reaching for my soul, softly touching it?

...that your laugh gives me a happy, tingly feeling inside?

...that your touch sends shivers down my spine and at the same time warms my heart?

...that your charisma makes me want to keep you around as long as possible because I feel so comfortable around you?

...that your smile is so beautiful I'd tell you the worst jokes just to see it?

...that you smell so incredibly nice and I find myself searching for it even before we meet?

...that sometimes I just wanna kiss you?

This might just be a stupid crush but...

How do I tell you all that without telling you?

[fallingsunflowerz]

I gave you everything I had and more.

In the end I did have to realise that even if you would have wanted to, you weren't capable of loving me the way I needed. So I finally drew a line and put me first.

I didn't know it back then, but that was the last time I was ever going to put anyone else's needs above mine ever again.

[000l]

the way I care for people makes me wish I had somebody like me in my life

[staystrongandalwaysloveyourself]

[fallingsunflowerz]

I wasn't the lesson...

You were.

[bestyouuniveristy]

If you stay silent about the problem to keep the peace, there is a zero percent chance that the problem gets fixed.

[fallingsunflowerz]

Love

If you can convince me that I won't have to earn your love I'll give you the world without hesitating. But if you can't do that I don't see a reason to stay. Love is not transactional it is a behaviour and if I am not important enough for you to make me feel loved we are not a match.

[midnightmillie]

date someone who is interested in you. i don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. i mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. someone who wants to read every word you write. someone who wants to hear every note of your favourite song, or watch every scene of your favourite movie. someone who wants to find every scar on your body, and learn where they came from. someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. there is a difference between attraction and interest. find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are.

[fallingsunflowerz]

I’m grieving

I’m griveing for what we would have had, what we never had and what we could have built. I can’t really see a future with you anymore.

I have tried for so long to turn the boat around, I adapted my behavior, I tried to listen, I tried to be patient. But I am getting tired. 

I grew a lot in the past two years. And I think you did too. Dispited that I can’t help but feel unwanted, not loved or not prioritized from time to time. I guess on some level that’s normal. But honestly I think we are past that level. I’m tired of having to convince myself that you still want me, that you are actually attracted to me and that I am important to you just for you to prove me wrong. A short while ago I shockingly had to learn that most people love how they were loved as a child. That explains a lot. And there too I try to be understanding and patient. However, I don’t wanna feel unwanted and not important in my relationship. Especially not if I adore my partner and would do everything to make them feel important and loved. I know that I give too much. But I only give that much to the people I really love. And I don’t expect the same in return. Just once in my life I wanna feel like I am worth it. And I just don’t know if you can love me the way I need it. 

I would have done everything for this to work out. Our future together sounded so amazing and almost too good to be true. Now I know why.

I don’t blame you. Maybe I am still too nice to people. But you didn’t hurt me on purpose, you didn’t cheat, you didn’t do anything wrong. You probably just can’t understand how important it is both for me and my inner child to feel loved in a relationship, always, not just on the weekends. So I am not mad. I am just really really sad because I still love you. 

[fallingsunflowerz]

Today my therapist said that I am lonely.

In my surroundings as well as in my relationship.

And now idk how to feel.