I lost weight and I am even more uncomfortable with my body.
Everyone says loosing weight is going to build your confidence, you’re going to feel so much better, you should be so proud of yourself, i bet you feel amazing. And when i tell them i don’t i get what’s wrong with you?
I don’t know how to explain this but i will give it a go, in the chances that someone somewhere reads this and feels the same and realises they aren’t alone, or maybe someone can offer advice. Or maybe just getting it out there is going to help me.
When i was over weight, i wasn’t “Confident” per SE but i was comfortable, i didn’t like my body but i knew it was my body, i knew when i looked in the mirror that the person looking back was me. I knew what size clothes to wear, i knew what suited my body, and what / how to hide those parts of my body i truly disliked. It was like i had the general not so much hate, but acceptance of my overall body, i was fat and i hated it but i was also comfortable and ok with it.
Then i started loosing weight. At first it was amazing, the scales were going down eventually i started buying smaller clothes and i was enjoying the exercise and life style changes. But it never seemed like work to me, it never seemed hard or a struggle. Some weeks my weight would go back up and i would get disheartened. But i tried not to be discouraged, i continued to work out and eat right regardless of the scales. Now i am 40+kg’s lighter then when i started, and some how i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I am so self conscious of smaller individual parts of my body that i don’t like. I am disheartened by how disproportionate my body now seems, i lost all my boobs, so now they just look like empty sacks of skin (graphic i know) but i hate it, my butt and legs are still the biggest part of me that i feel i looks so out of place with the rest of me. My stomach has this little pooch that is more prominent now. And i can’t seem to find that confidence or pride everyone tells me i should have. I don’t feel like i worked hard enough or struggled hard enough to be proud. I don’t know how to dress, or what size clothes to buy as it changes all the time depending on shops. I don’t feel sexy or confident and it actually kills me a little inside.
I know i am being super critical of myself, as most people tend to be. I get surprised by photos other people take of me because that is the only time i can see a difference in my weight. Maybe because i didn’t find the diet and exercise part hard (don’t get me wrong i had times when i feel off the wagon completely) but maybe this is my fight, this is my battle. Learning to be proud of how far i have come, learning to accept my body and all it’s “flaws”. Here’s hoping i can, because feeling this uncomfortable in my own skin, is extremely difficult.
