7 things you can do instead of writing your novel
1. HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Nothing brightens up your day like stopping in the middle of your daily routine to contemplate life’s mysteries and the pointlessness of your own existence. The universe poses many impossible questions and it’s imperative that you answer these questions instead of writing. Why do you even exist? Where did you come from? Where are you going? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
2. BINGE-WATCH TWENTY SHOWS ON NETFLIX
It’s okay. It’s “research”. How else can you justify sitting through WWII In Colour until 2 in the morning? Or better yet, pick a show with a million seasons. Preferably one from the 90s. FRIENDS, The X-Files, & Buffy are all good choices. Be sure to cry copiously during the season finales and give yourself a week long break from writing to recover emotionally.
Why write your story when you can write about writing your story? Complaining on the internet to complete strangers about your creative failures is an age-old tradition. Even Hemingway did it! Give out crappy writing advice, rant about your characters’ personal lives, or just whine about your day job and hope your boss never finds your blog.
This novel is going to be perfect, goddammit! And you can’t get perfection from an imperfect outline. Sure, it’s been months since you last looked at the thing but now is the perfect time to tweak all the scenes and create meticulous interviews for every single tertiary character mentioned in your book. Even if you consider yourself a stubborn pantser, you won’t be able to resist the temptation of creating multi-page detailed outlines you’ll probably never use again!
Tweak your outline until it’s absolutely perfect. Tweak your outline until your story morphs into something totally unrecognizable and you find the real story hiding within. And if you’ve ever felt like your novel is missing something special, now is the time to add that convoluted subplot involving half-baked conspiracy theories, Trump’s duck fluff, and your high school English teacher who gave you an C-. That’ll show Mr. Stuart, that uncultured troglodyte!
Let’s be real: you really can’t write your novel until the house is spotless. That pile of dishes you’ve left neglected in the sink aren’t going to clean themselves! And let’s not forget vacuuming, dusting, cleaning out the fridge, and scrubbing the spaces between your keyboard with a very small, very tiny, broomstick.
6. OPEN SEVENTEEN NEW TABS
You’re a multitasker. Why stare blankly at your word document for an hour when you can open a billion new tabs and browse the interwebs for the rest of the day? Here, I’ll even get you started:
Tab 1: Youtube cat videos on autoplay (for the ambience)
Tab 2: Pinterest for all your story inspiration pins!
Tab 3: That one Wikipedia article for “research”
Tabs 4-10: TVTropes pages for “reference”
Tab 11: Spotify playlist (for the right atmosphere)
Tab 12: Facebook page of the person you’re stalking
Tab 13: Google search result for “How long does it take for a body to decompose and I’m asking for a book I’m writing please don’t arrest me FBI agent monitoring my computer”
Tab 14-16: Three separate Tumblr dashboards for inexplicable reasons
Tab 17: Blog article that advises you to stop wasting time on the internet and get back to writing
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