I'm tired. It's not the type of tired that sleep can fix, either. It's physical, mental, emotional exhaustion that not even my favorite hobbies can cure.
I wake up during the week, dread going to work and getting yelled at by customers because they can't order their shit right, get home late and have barely any energy to do RPG posts and in turn get told I'm being neglectful, go to bed between 1-3 in the morning and get barely any sleep and get up and do it all over again Monday through Friday, stumble my way through the weekend and do it all over again the next week.
I do several online RPGs, even host my own board, but...I'm starting to burn out. The same three or four topics, altered in slightly different ways from game to game only to end up following whatever storyline the show we're playing did. I've rehashed Kamen Rider, Voltron, and Young Justice a hundred times total between all three franchises, and I'm not able to suggest anything new because "I just wanna stick with what we know" is the topic killer. I'm not allowed to do things I want on my days off or when I get home from work because "if you're not posting, I'm bored." Well gee, you've got hobbies. Pick one of them up. Go back to knitting, finish a video game, don't make me the reason you stay online. And don't get pissed off and log off when I'm silent for a few minutes--and especially don't send me eye rolling emojis when I log off because I'm fucking exhausted and want to attempt to get some sleep.
No matter what I do, I can't sleep. I'll toss and turn, listen to the music play, stare into the darkness and end up sitting on teh edge of the bed half of the night and then finally say screw it around 6:30 or 7:00 and stay up, get up and dressed and try and find the energy to do what I need to do before going to work. I don't have that energy anymore.
And being a guy, I'm expected to just keep it bottled up and to myself because I'm not allowed to have emotions or express feelings, when all I want to do is sit in the corner and cry because of how exhausted I am. There's days I don't want to wake up because at least then I'll be sleeping. There's days I want to hide and not talk to anyone or do anything because I don't want to be a burden anymore.
I just can't do it anymore...
