Baby Steps Are Better Than Losing It (Spencer Reid x GN!BAU!Reader)
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Author Masterlist
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Pairing: Spencer Reid x GN!BAU!Reader.
Request: Post Prison!Reid trying to adjust to being intimate with a long-term partner again?
Summary: After returning from prison, Spencer is trying to readjust to his life, and that includes his relationship with you. But what happens when intimacy between you becomes almost taboo?
Word Count: 4.7k
Warnings: ANGST/SMUT/FLUFF (16+). One scene of male masturbation. Heavy make-out, leading to sex, but not happening. A lot of talk about sex and fears. Kind of fade-to-black smut. This is more emotional than smut (you have been warned).
A/N: This request was dormant in my inbox. So sorry for that.
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It's already late at night. The apartment is dimly lit by the soft glow of some candles and the reflection of an old movie playing on the TV. A movie that neither you nor Spencer is paying attention to now, more focused on the make-out session that's been going on for a while.
And although the scene might seem completely normal for a couple during a random Friday night, given the circumstances surrounding the last few months, it is not.
This precise week marks three months since Spencer was released from Milburn, after being incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit.
The story sounds like something out of a soap opera, but the truth is, it was much more like a horror movie. Spencer went through dreadful things inside, and although you and the team worked day and night to get him out, it wasn't possible until three months later.
You knew the man who came out of there wouldn't be the same one who went in. You could see it in the few visits you were allowed to pay to him while he was locked out. Spencer insisted you not come anymore because he didn't want to expose you to seeing him in that place and in that vulnerable state.
Although you tried to reason with him about it, you finally gave in because you didn't want to stress him out more than he already was, even though it would only increase your anxiety.
And it did.
You didn't have the heart to tell him that, though. You still don't.
He did write you letters. It was the only communication between you both until the day he was released.
By the way he recounted part of his time in there - because you knew he wouldn't tell you the gruesome details - you knew things would never be the same again.
Granted, you have been a consolidated couple for years now, but traumatic events like this can change everything, put things upside down. You weren't worried about you, though. You love Spencer, and what happened to him will never change that. Your concern was about him.
The day Emily asked you, JJ, and Luke to pick up Spencer was a collision of emotions. Excitement for seeing him again, happiness for the love of your life getting his freedom back, frustration for not doing this sooner, and worry. Worry because you didn't know exactly how he would react. Yeah, as a free man, you'd suppose he would be happy, but it's Spencer, a man consumed by his own brain, a brain that more usually than not tends to sabotage him.
The time dragged slowly as you waited outside Milburn Correctional. You told JJ to go for him, since she was one of the few people Spencer let see him while he was locked up. You probably should have felt bad about not being you. Yet, you were more concerned about Spencer's comfort than your own. People would say it wasn't fair to you, but you can deal with it.
The moment Spencer saw you waiting for him with Penelope, life regained its meaning again. Without a second thought, Spencer rushed towards you and enveloped you in his arms. A tight embrace overdue for months.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Spencer mumbled into the crook of your neck. Fresh tears running down and wetting your shirt.
You hugged him just as tightly, assuring him there was nothing to apologize for. Assuring him that things would be alright and that you weren't going anywhere. Leaning back a bit, he looked at you, eyes glazed and lips trembling.
"I love you," he mumbled before crushing his lips into yours.
You knew Spencer was going to have a difficult road to healing, but you vowed to be by his side throughout the entire process.
That night, after his release and having spent the rest of the afternoon at the BAU catching up on his case and the next steps, Spencer was truly exhausted. And so were you. You couldn't remember the last time you'd had a decent meal in weeks. While you whipped up something quick to eat, Spencer took a long shower.
Sitting on the couch, you ate in silence. You didn't want to overwhelm Spencer with questions he might not be ready to answer. He didn't say much either, only asking a few trivial questions about the BAU's recent cases while he was gone. 'Small talk,' he jokingly called it. Chukling, you nodded along, and the conversation didn't go beyond that.
When you finally decided to go to bed, you were unsure if he'd want to sleep in the same bed as you, so you gave him plenty of space to decide. Once you saw him under the covers, opening his arms to invite you to snuggle up next to him, you sighed with relief.
You cuddle with him like the little spoon, basking in his warm, something you'd missed for months. You didn't remember sleeping so well in such a long time.
-
Two things Spencer wasn't happy about, but that Emily wasn't going to let slide, were the mandatory leave and the therapy sessions. That meant Spencer should spend a lot of time at home while the rest of the team went out of town to solve cases—you included.
It wasn't your first choice. Indeed, you asked Emily for time off, and she granted it, but after a week, Spencer insisted you get back to work and not worry about him.
A little paranoia crept in. Did Spencer not want you around? You understood he was going through an adjustment period; did he feel suffocated by you?
The signs were confusing because, while you were away, Spencer was the one texting you to see how you were doing, and he was the first to hug you and tell you how much he missed you every time you came back.
But when you offered to skip a case to stay, he wouldn't let you.
Again, 'adjustment,' you thought.
So you didn't argue with him much about it. You preferred to cherish the time you could spend together when work didn't get in the way. And all that was fine, except that as the weeks went by, you began to notice how Spencer didn't go beyond tender hugs, stolen kisses, and cuddling on the sofa or in bed with you. The intimacy you had wasn't what it used to be, or rather, it was nonexistent except for the occasional displays of affection.
You understood that sex was perhaps the last thing on your boyfriend's list of priorities. You weren't going to force him into something he didn't want to do, although you also couldn't ignore the fact that you missed him and felt frustrated.
Despite that, you never brought it up and only tried to move things forward when he initiated something. Some nights, when the kisses went from tender to more passionate, and you thought it might take things to the next level, without warning, Spencer would hold back and casually remind himself that he had something to do, apologizing and leaving you there.
Okay, you thought, he's not ready yet. You'll be patient, although a nagging feeling started to settle: what if he is not attracted to you in that way now? Maybe he's being polite because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying you're not desirable to him anymore.
That would hurt like hell, but it's a possibility.
But the mixed signals continue happening. Some days, Spencer would be the clingy one, having you in his arms, holding your hand, circling your waist, and giving you kisses that stole your breath. Others, he would be distant and barely acknowledge your presence.
You thought about talking to him, but what if doing so, he shuts down and pushes you away completely?
It was a high risk you weren't sure to take.
One night, you arrived home from a case early, and Spencer didn't hear you come in.
After the routine of peeling off your coat and shoes, you padded to find your boyfriend, but you froze when you passed by the ajar bathroom door and heard a grunt coming from inside. You peeked quietly to see what was happening. You saw Spencer standing in front of the toiled, slacks pooling at his ankles, a hand on the wall, bracing himself, and the other stroking his hard cock.
"So good. Just like that. Please. You're doing so good for me," he chants, over and over, fastening his pace. And when he moaned your name, it ignited a fire you haven't felt in a long time. He was pleasuring himself, thinking of you.
It was a bittersweet taste, to be honest. On one hand, Spencer was thinking about you while jerking off, but on the other, he didn't need you to pleasure him.
You quietly backed away and headed to the kitchen before you saw your boyfriend finish. You weren't sure if seeing him orgasming would only worsen your intrusive thoughts.
He got startled when he came out of the bathroom and saw you in the kitchen. A glass of water in your hand, and a gaze lost in the view from the window.
"Hey. I didn't hear you in. I thought the briefing would last longer."
You exhaled. Is it worth bringing this up? It's not a big deal. Everyone has the right to masturbate when they want. You did sometimes when Spencer was locked away. But the point he's avoiding you doesn't help your peace of mind.
"Emily thought we got enough from this case and sent us home," you muttered, sipping the water to cover the waver in your voice.
"Fair enough," Spencer acknowledged. Voice quiet, observing you. "Are you okay?"
Were you?
You shouldn't make a big deal out of it; after all, it's natural. But the insecurities that have been building up lately are making you uneasy, and you don't know how long you'll be able to keep them under control.
"Yeah. Just tired. I think I'm going to bed."
Spencer doesn't even question your answer or ask if you ate anything beforehand. It's as if he knows what's going on, but he doesn't bring it up.
"Okay".
That night, there's no goodnight kiss, no cuddling, no sleeping in each other's arms. Only silence, and a cold that not even the thick comforter can ward off.
-
It wasn't intentional, but in the days that followed, you kept your distance from Spencer. It's difficult when you live together, and even more so now that he's back at work at the BAU. Neither of you has wanted to address the elephant in the room, and that makes you glum. You feel it's selfish of you to point out the distance between you, but you don't know how to put it into words. You're afraid you might say something you'll regret.
You can feel Spencer watching you these past few days. He's tried to make physical contact with you, holding your hand, kissing your forehead, and tentatively kissing your lips. Still, he understands something's going on, and he knows exactly what it is. And he's decided to make it up to you.
In the afternoon, Spencer came to your desk to let you know he was leaving early because he had a therapy session. It didn't seem strange to you, since Emily had kept it as a requirement for him even after he returned to work.
"Okay," you acknowledged. "Do you want me to pick up dinner today?"
"No. I'll do it. I don't think it takes me long." Before he turned to leave, he planted a gentle kiss on your mouth. "I love you."
Your lips curled up slightly. "Love you, too."
Again, nothing seemed unusual, very typical of you guys lately.
It's not until two hours later that you finish your final report, drop it off at Emily's office, and head home. On the way, you think about Spencer and how to deal with the things you both know remain unspoken. Perhaps this is your new dynamic, and you'll have to decide whether you can accept it for your life together.
But when you open the door of your shared apartment, something feels different. The lights are dimmed, you can smell the freshly cooked food, and you see Spencer standing in the middle of the living room, holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers.
"What is this?" You ask, confusion crossing your features. Spencer clears his throat and takes some steps to get closer.
"I know things have been strange between us lately. I mean, since I got out, it's been difficult to adapt to this new life. And I know I have failed in keeping the flame, if that is the right way to put it."
"Spence-" you want to argue.
"It's okay. You can say it. I would be equally frustrated if I were you. My point is, I love you, and I want you. That has never changed. Please, don't think you did something wrong because that's not true. The other day, when you heard me in the bathroom, I - I know you did, and I should have said something. I’m sorry.”
Spencer looks really apologetic, and you think it's unfair that you have been acting coldly toward him. On the other hand, though, the intrusive idea of not being enough for him anymore is still lingering there.
"I, uh—I don't know what to say. I don't want to sound selfish or make you feel guilty about what happened. I understand it's a lot, I really do." You try to explain. "The last thing I want is for you to feel obligated to do something just so you don't disappoint me."
Spencer shook his head. "No, my love. It's not like that. Let me make it up to you, please?"
He extends the flowers to you as an offer of real apology. Nodding, you take the bouquet, a smile forming on your lips.
"Thank you," you murmur.
"No, thank you," he counters, offering you his hand. "I want tonight to be just for the two of us. We deserve it."
You take his proposal and follow him to the kitchen, where he has everything settled for dinner: a delicious meal, wine, and candles. The whole nine yards.
Although you notice Spencer still seems nervous, after laughing throughout dinner about all the silly things that came up, he seems more at ease and more like himself. That’s a relief and allows you to enjoy the moment.
The good time continues when you decide to watch a movie, sprawled on the couch.
It only takes Spencer's arm around your shoulders five minutes into the movie to make you feel like you're melting. You turn your head to look at him, and his eyes are already fixed on you, hungry, pupils dilated. You close your eyes, and that's enough of a signal for Spencer to close the gap and kiss you with pent-up passion.
-
Wandering hands looking for something to hold on to. Spencer supports the back of your head with a hand, while the other roams your chest without breaking the kiss. The moan scaping your mouth is nasty, even muffled by Spencer’s lips. He doesn't do better, grunting when you swing a leg over his lap, putting a bit of friction in his hard cock.
“God, I missed you,” he mutters, lips traveling down your jaw. You feel like you could explode just from the heated making out, the shameless moans, and the desperation in Spencer's voice.
Enboldened by the moment, you shift to straddle Spencer’s lap, bracketing his legs with your thighs. Arms around his neck, you’re kissing him with equal desperation. Not even noticing when you start to bounce on him.
Spencer grunts, hands landing on your ass cheeks to control your humping.
But you need more, that’s why your hands leave Spencer’s neck and fly to the buttons of his shirt. The garment does nothing but create a barrier you don't want to have right now. Spencer is nibbling your collarbone when the first button pops open, but as fast as you’re working on the second button, you feel him freeze. Mouth still latched on to your skin, but going still. Suddenly, you can feel how his breath quickens, but it doesn't have to do with arousal; you’re sure of it.
Parting to lean back and look at him, he does the same, and you see him go all nervous.
"Spencer, baby, what is it?" He shakes his head.
"No. Nothing. It's okay. I'm okay," he leans forward to latch onto your neck, in hopes you can forget his lapsus. And while he's nipping that sweet spot, you almost do.
But when your hands come back to undo the buttons of his shirt, you feel how he tenses again.
No. This is not okay.
You stop your motions, putting some distance between you to get a better look at him. Spencer huffs in frustration.
"We don't have to go further if you don't want to, okay?" you gently assure him, stroking his cheek.
A bitter laugh escapes his lips. “Do we?” It's sarcastic and full of resentment. Resentment at you? You’re not sure. "How come you're not upset?”
“What are-” You don’t get to finish your question when Spencer holds you off his lap and rises from the couch, running his hands through his hair.
“I don't understand why, really. I'm upset with myself, damn it! Be mad at me!" He starts to pace in the middle of the living room.
Since he came back from his incarceration, you have never seen him like this. It's like he has reached the breaking point you were expecting, but aren’t prepared for.
"Mad at you? For not wanting to have sex with me?" you ask for clarification, and he nods. "Spencer, I can't be mad at you for that."
"Why not?" He hastens to ask back. His hands are trembling, and you’re not sure if touching him would push him further into his spiral.
"Ah, let me guess. It is because I'm a victim? Someone fragile that can be broken, isn’t it?”
There it is.
"W-what? No! Where do you get that from? That's not-" You try to explain, but Spencer is already cutting you off again.
"Come on! I have seen you. Since I got out. You have been walking on eggshells around me." His tone is accusative, and you feel it’s unfair after the months you have been looking only for his comfort.
"I just - For God’s sake! I have been doing it because I don't want to push you to do something you don't want to do! That’s a crime now?”
Spencer huffs like you’re talking nonsense.
"But I want to! Can't you see it? Fuck!" he grunts, still pacing around the room, hands fisting at his sides as if he’s physically restraining himself. "I do want to! God, I have wanted to for months!"
You scratch your neck trying to piece things together, so you can say something useful to this argument. However, you are only getting Spencer’s frustration, and it’s not helping.
"Spencer, you literally flinched when I touched you two minutes ago. What is supposed I must think?"
Spencer’s pace stops briefly. You have a point, he doesn't know how to explain, though.
"I - It's not because I don't want to touch you! I'm dying to do it. I miss you so much it hurts."
His voice wavers, as if it physically pains him to say the words.
A heavy ache settles in your heart when you hear him talking like that. You have only been trying to be understanding and patient, but you're literally blind right now.
"So why then? Why are we arguing about this? Why are you conflicted?"
Spencer takes a moment to collect his thoughts. His own fears surfacing over and over again. He sits at the edge of the coffee table, face buried in his hands.
"I'm scared, okay? I'm scared about what I can do to you. I don't want to hurt you," Spencer muffles the words hidden behind his hands.
You freeze. Does he really think that? Did you say or do anything to him that made him feel that way?
No, he can't think like that. You drop to your knees, prying his hands off so you can see his eyes.
"Spencer. Baby, please look at me."
"No. I can't,” he whines.
"Yes. Yes, you can. Please, do it for me?"
Spencer slowly obeys and removes his hands from covering his face. His eyes are glassy red, his cheeks flushed, and his jaw clenched.
“Talk to me, please. Why didn't you tell me sooner that you were feeling this way?”
A heavy exhale escapes Spencer’s lips.
“You didn't ask,” he whispers, eyes averting yours. Your jaw tightens, even if you know Spencer is only trying to deflect.
“I didn’t-? Okay, that’s not fair, and you know it. I didn't ask because I thought you trusted me and you would come to me when you were ready.”
An assumption that clearly didn't work this time.
“I know. I know. I just - I just thought I needed a bit of time. That things would get the same as they were, and we wouldn't have to have this conversation,” Spencer admits, and his words hit you harder than they should.
“Why not? You don’t trust me enough to tell me these things? I thought we were a couple, Spencer. One that already passed the trust issues.”
“It's not about trust issues,” he mutters as if saying that would be enough for you to believe him.
“Then what is it? Because I can’t think of another explanation. Unless-” you pause a bit because it scares you, telling what you are thinking aloud. “Unless you don’t think I deserve that position anymore?”
Spencer’s frown is immediate. “What? To deserve what position?”
“Of being your partner. And if you reached that conclusion in these months, I get it. Maybe I should have asked sooner or done something, I don't know. If I didn't do it, it wasn't for lack of love; I just thought I was giving you space.”
A treacherous tear falls from your eye and runs down your cheek. The mere sight of it makes Spencer sick to his stomach.
Spencer carefully grabs your wrists and helps you stand up with him, guiding you back to the couch and sitting down beside you.
“Please listen to me. I know I've avoided this topic and haven't told you everything that happened in there. But none of it is your fault, do you understand? None of it.”
You sniffle, although the effort you’re making not to.
“Understandably, you have questions. And the truth is, I've taken advantage of your patience and comprehension to avoid talking about my fears after everything that happened. I'm sorry for that. But please, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that you're my partner, my person, the love of my life. You always have been, and you always will be.”
You are openly crying now, and Spencer, without thinking twice, wraps you in his arms to comfort you.
Muffling your voice against his chest.m, you murmur, “Why are you afraid then? Why do you think you can do harm to me?”
Spencer sighs, his lips on your hair, giving you a small kiss before pulling away to look at you.
“It's just—how do I put it? Whenever something bad happens in my life, it's like a part of me goes to a dark place, and I don't mean it like evil. It's more like it goes into hiding and becomes unpredictable. You've seen it: Hankel, Gideon, Maeve.”
You nod because you've been there for each of those moments.
“And being in that place, with the people we worked so hard to put there, made me question whether maybe that place took more of me than I think it actually did. That terrifies me, because it's a place of pure violence and survival. What if my unpredictable side gets mixed up with that and I end up losing control and becoming violent and unmindful with you? I’m afraid of losing control while we- you know-”
Spencer trails off, feeling he’s stumbling with his own thoughts and words. But you get it now. There's no need to say more when you already understand where his greatest fear lies.
A loving hand rests on his cheek. Your eyes fill with understanding and more love than you thought possible for him. Of course, Spencer Reid would put your well-being above his own needs and desires. But just as considerate as he is, so too is his lack of self-awareness, as the great person he is. Something you've witnessed over the years, and it's always a challenge.
"Hey,” you call him, so he can look at you. “First of all, you won't hurt me. And do you know why I'm so sure about that?" Spencer shakes his head no. "Because I know you. Because no matter what happened in there. No matter how much you feel that place has changed you right now. You are a good person, Spencer. And that is in your bones. No one can touch that, because it's what makes you who you are. Even when you feel losing control.”
"Are you not afraid that I can-?"
"I’m not. There is something I am afraid of, though, about you shutting me out. That scares me the most. You know why?”
Spencer shakes his head no.
“Because as long as we can talk about this, we can find a way to make it work. And that’s a lesson for me too. I kept things to myself and created my own mental hell instead of talking to you.”
“We have been messing this up, haven’t we?” Spencer mutters, a shade of pink adorning his cheeks as one hand caresses your arm. A light laugh escapes your lips.
“Definitely,” you say feaking seriousness.
“Crap,” he huffs, and you giggle. Spencer puts an arm around your shoulder and pulls you towards him.
Kissing the top of your head, he mutters, “I’m sorry. For everything, and because I ruined the night, too.”
“I wouldn’t say that. At least the meal was delicious,” you tease, trying to light the mood. Spencer rolls his eyes.
“You're being too lenient with this situation, don't you think?”
“And you think I won't get my revenge?” You say with a mischievous tone. Spencer chokes on his saliva.
“What?” You part from his embrace to see his flustered face. With a smile, your fingers intertwine with his.
“Tell you what. We’re going to get there, but we’ll start slow, okay. We don't have to do the whole thing right away.”
Spencer understands perfectly what you mean, and although he thanks all the deities of the universe for having someone so willing to take things slowly, that doesn't soothe his carnal desperation.
“Slow? Are you sure?”
“Don't say it like it’s only me who is desperate here,” you deadpan. Spencer chuckles. “But I think baby steps will make the journey more pleasurable for both of us,” you say, pumping up your eyebrows. A real laugh erupts from Spencer’s chest.
“You're amazing, you know that?”
“And that's why you love me,” you say cokily.
“And for more and beyond,” Spencer adds. “What’s your plan, though?”
A playful smirk appears on your face. You perch closer to Spencer, arms loosening around his neck, lips kissing his earlobe before whispering something into his ear, only for him to hear. As the words leave your mouth, Spencer’s cheeks redden, and his breathing picks up.
"Oh, Lord.” Spencer’s voice wavers, completely enchanted by your words.
"Is it okay with you?" You check, already knowing the answer.
"M- more than okay."
"Then relax, baby. I'm going to take care of you tonight."
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Oh yep, good story right here *chef kiss*
