take care

this started out random and now I write about my disorderd eating behavior and how I try to overcome it and many more thoughts about it and yes lets see. but welcome.

[feelyourhollow]

How do I care?

Do you know the days/months/times when you just don't care? About anything? How do you handle that?

[feelyourhollow]

How do you get out of numbness?

[feelyourhollow]

[feelyourhollow]

How almost every girl struggles with food.

The first time I wanted to loose weight was at age 13. At the age of 14 I weighed 44kg, didn’t have my period and my digestion didn’t work. Then some time later I ate, I ate and ate and ate and I gained weight and got reaaaallly uncomfortable with my self. That condition stayed for many years, I was okay but in my mind I always wanted to loose weight and in my head I could only be really happy when I was skinny. over the years I sometimes was happier or unhappier, it changed by the time. then at the age of 20 I started to loose weight again, in a really slow and healthy way, but then (I turned 21 by the time) I crossed some limits and got into an eating order again, restricted myself very hard (lockdown was unfortunately a big catalyst) and it just hurt. so now I try to get a healthy relationship with food and its fucking hard but I think im getting there. anyway, that was the short version of my story but that I actually was wondering about something else. Why did (do?!) I think for soooo many years, since such a young age, that I only could be (really) happy when I was skinny (skinnier)? Why do so many girls think that too? I realized for a longer time that my behavior wasn’t healthy but I didn't want to stop (for a while) because I rather stayed as thin as I was at the lowest point. I didnt want to “give that up” in exchange for a healthy mind (and body). This is such a complex topic, but since I started wondering about it I only see reasons why girls want to be skinny, or rather feel the very urgent need to be skinny. I mean obviously it’s the fashion industry, all the stars and idols who look perfect and skinny, but it reached out into very small levels in our every day life. how has every girl on the tv a flat stomach? How do they pretend it’s reality, when they actually are wearing Spanx or some shaping leggings and stuff. well probably they feel insecure too. well it’s a vicious circle and this is really diffuse and random but I really try to get out of this vicious circle and I’m realizing that it helps me to verbalize my thoughts, even though they can be very messy but well it helps me because this shit is really hard and exhausting. And maybe it helps someone else, even though I really doubt that anyone will read this. 

[feelyourhollow]

love is love

[feelyourhollow]

#excuse#me#aesthetic#fight#couple#heart#heartbreak#love#hate#struggle#mentalhealth#please#loveme#excuseme#numb#bye#ciao#loveyoue#excuseme