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@firewordsparkler
OP spongecake_cats on TikTok âĄ
extremely funny scenario in which rose joins shane as his plus one and moral support for going after the guy he wants at all stars because she can be his buddy and also his cover for making up for lost time with ilya
which is complicated by the fact that ilya takes one look at rose and shane at the bar (rose's arm looped through shane's in what ilya doesn't know is just a friends move) and BOOKS IT so he doesn't have to see this
and then proceeds to avoid them at EVERY fucking turn
this all terminates into rose going "fuck it I'm a true bro and I'm making this happen so help me GOD" and managing to arrange locking them in a closet together (which is. so funny. but this is not the time to point out the punchline.) (she'll save it.) so ilya can't run away.
and it's very sweet and they have their moment of honesty and yay back to ilya's room now fo-
the-the door is locked.
because it turns out that rose got a LITTLE too enthusiastic in locking it after her plan worked PERFECTLY and now something in the mechanism is broken.
so in one sense, shane did come out of the closet, but in another sense that's going to be funny only probably a few months from now, he AND ilya are now stuck in the closet in a way that is both metaphorical and also. painfully literal.
This scenario is also raising mental images of Rose from Minnesota "I have brothers" Landry being so determined to pin Ilya down to make him talk with Shane that all glamourous movie star persona drops away and she just fucking tackles him, and Ilya has no idea how to react to this attack so she actually succeeds in wrestling him to the ground
Shane's looking slightly scared by all this in the background, Ilya's saying "Shane! Your girlfriend attacked me!" And she's going "I'm NOT his girlfriend, now you two are going to TALK to each other, or so help me god" and drags them both to the closet
the idea of petite movie star rose landry tapping into her roots and turning into a linebacker to take down giant professional athlete ilya rozanov is SO goddamn funny
because also ilya would NOT know how to fucking react
like he wrestles with svetlana for fun but this is?? NOT FUN?? IS THIS?? AN ATTACK?? WHAT THE F U C K IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?? HE CAN'T ACTUALLY HIT HER BUT HE IS BEING FUCKING?? PINNED DOWN?? OH MY GOD???? DID HOLLANDER TELL HER ABOUT THEIR PAST TOGETHER????? IS THIS JEALOUSY?? THAT'S EXCITING BUT ALSO GET?? OFF??? WHAT THE FUCK???
"Shane, help me, call her off!" as Shane's just got his hands out, palms up, in a helpless "what am I supposed to do?" gesture
"shane!! get your girlfriend!!"
"she's not my girlfriend!" "i'm not his girlfriend!"
*brief moment of ooooh??? yay???? before returning to 'pinned to the ground with his face in the dirt' reality* "OKAY WELL GET YOUR WHATEVER OFF OF ME."
GOD a huge contributing factor to rose not keeping track of time and noticing how long shane has been mia is that baby girl gets DRUNK on how many people are buying her shots for being the one to take ilya rozanov DOWN.
the mention of younger brother Ilya vs older sister Rose is killing me, because I think Ilya would just be soooo WILDY unprepared for this dynamic.
like, his older brother is both absentee and abusive, so I imagine his entire view of sibling relationships is incredibly tarred, and this woman is also his Greatest Enemy In Life.
so heâs getting youngerbrotherbodyslammed by this women who (like all older sisters, can just clock a younger sibling idk what to tell you) is supposed to hate him, but is treating him like a twit child???????
heâs squawking at her to get the fuck off of him, and sheâs all âshut up you dramatic loser, youâre literally fine stop whining. Get your shit together and get your man oh my god!!!â And heâs like âDO I KNOW YOU????â
rose being a little worried this isn't going to work out because they can't even get ilya in front of them to even say hi, but then she gets eyes on ilya JUST long enough to go OOOH! you are Little Brother Shaped, and now she knows EXACTLY how to handle this.
ahem.
@martelldoran NOT SHANE AND HIS DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE
"listen, shane wants--stop whining, you baby, you're fine--shane wants to talk to you"
"AND I WANT A CRAZY PERSON TO NOT BE ON TOP OF ME RIGHT NOW. WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT."
"đ it's your own fault. you kept running."
"oh, so shane hasn't told you how much HE likes to run??"
"he made a mistake, okay? and he's sorry."
shane from a safe distance because tbh? kind of thrown by what just happened: "i am!"
"what in the FUCK is actually happening to me right now"
"I WAS KIND OF FUCKING BUSY BEING TACKLED BY A CRAZY PERSON, SVETA"
"watch your fucking tone, or I'll get her phone number from hollander and tell her to tackle you again until you have manners."
the idea of rose also finding this SO fun and it becoming part of their dynamic moving forward is so special to me. she won't do it in public because neither of them wants that press coverage, but the second they're in private??
:) welcome to the octagon, motherfucker :)
svetlana finds it really funny but doesn't usually actually want to get physical when he's goofing off, so she's happy to offload mma fighting to rose
shane and svetlana at the cottage chilling out on lounge chairs with umbrella drinks and sunglasses while supervising rose and ilya lightly drowning each other in the lake after trying to shove each other off of the dock first
oh MAN rose stopping by camp as a pr move to get more attention for the foundation and joining in with the kids
which means there's footage of ilya and rose dropping gloves and "fighting" with each other on the ice as ilya complains about her being a bad influence
found a fic where shane and scott discover the other is gay and start hooking up, and i think if that ever were to happen, once scott hit his midseason slump every year shane would start coming up with excuses not to fuck because nothing turns him off more than bad hockey
like shane's only got two guys in his roster and he only meets each of them a handful of times a year but he just cannot bring himself to sleep with someone who gives that bad of a performance on the ice, no matter how long it's been for him.
and meanwhile scott is thinking okay so the game went pretty badly but at least i'm getting laid tonight :) and when shane cancels through text with some terrible excuse, his mood tanks even further and he brings that bad vibe with him to the next game and performs even worse and that's how shane accidentally causes the admirals' losing streak to go on for like three more weeks.
now i'm wondering how ilya and scott find out about each other and i'm thinking it happens at the mhl awards in vegas. scott has been seeing kip but they just broke up, so he goes to shane's room hoping he can take his mind off things.
except ilya's already there, and it's immediately obvious what the two of them were just about to do. it's also obvious why scott is there.
scott is a little bit put out - he's not like romantically interested in shane or anything but he did think what they had was kind of special. ilya is incredibly jealous and doing a terrible job of hiding it. shane is too mortified to notice either reaction because the two men he's been fucking now know about each other and the way they found out feels specifically engineered by some higher power to punish him for being a Gay Slut.
scott says something that reveals he's just there because his boyfriend broke up with him (he's trying to convey to shane that he's not expecting anything of him nor does he judge him for sleeping with other men) and ilya forgets his jealousy for a moment to get incredibly offended on shane's behalf that he's being treated like some consolation prize. then it's right back to jealousy because what if the only reason scott and shane aren't properly together is because scott was hung up on another man??
scott watches this emotional rollercoaster play out with painful clarity on ilya's face and decides this situation is too messy for him. he bows out, gently hinting at shane that maybe this thing with ilya could be more than a hookup because it certainly seems like ilya wants it to be.
this hint sails right over shane's head, of course.
then shane and ilya are alone again. they fuck, ilya lowkey begging shane the entire time to tell him he's better than scott hunter. this is so obvious to shane that he doesn't clock it as anything other than ilya asking for his ego to be stroked, so he goes along with it thinking it's just inconsequential dirty talk.
after they're finished ilya asks shane if he wants something more with scott (because he hates himself and feels like he should suffer). shane wrinkles his nose at the thought and then delicately answers that scott probably deserves a partner who would support him through his annual catastrophic late-season crash and burns.
ilya gets what he's not saying immediately because of course shane hollander only fucks winners, and ilya, well. he may not literally win every game but he is always, unquestionably, a winner. he will always match shane on the ice.
and scott hunter doesn't.
ilya leaves that hotel room in high spirits and with a half formed plan to find scott hunter's ex and convince him he and scott belong together, just in case scott ever miraculously starts being a more consistent player.
(he's obviously unaware that scott has already decided he's never sleeping with shane again, because like hell is he getting in between whatever he and rozanov have got going on)
I can't remember who said it but I saw a comment or tweet talking about hypocrisy that essentially said The Hypocrisy Is The Point. hypocrisy is power. it's the ability to set rules for everyone else except you. and if power is a virtue then hypocrisy is a virtue. it's why you never really get anywhere with "by your logic..." or "then wouldn't that mean...". it's not that they don't realize they're being hypocritical. they do it on purpose to prove that you have to listen to them and they don't have to listen to you
lie to me
our tomodachi life finale is here! will the phan wedding prophecy finally come true?? https://youtu.be/8zQCfYsPLRA
ilya finds out cliff fans online are calling themselves cliffnation and he never lets it go. he is telling people he has dual citizenship: russia and cliffnation. he actually canât get a speeding ticket because he has diplomatic immunity as an ambassador of cliffnation. all i do is win is the national anthem. the capital is marleauville.
wyatt: if you had to sleep with someone on the team other than your partner, who would it be ;))?
ilya: bood
shane: bood
troy: bood
wyatt: well fuck me i guess
ilya: no iâd fuck bood
you know I don't actually think many people know that shane hollander is always in the act of jumping out of his own skin with anxiety. like you look at the "your boy rozanov" and "I'm going to fuck him back" interactions and we as an audience can see that the guy is oozing fear but his actual facial expressions and voice is pretty flat and scott hunters reaction is only because he is scott hunter, gay jesus. I think everyone on the team assumes shane is this bland unshakeable guy, team anchor. a lot of fan portrayals of shane locker room dynamics is an untethered boat or slightly distanced leader but I think shane's autism has that unflappable old-soul vibe that coaches like and other guys admire. I think he is acting like an untethered boat, but unfotunately the entire fleet is following him around. like really they just want him to sit in the corner and read a hockey book while they get shitfaced over a pool table. like hes #the guy. you just need him in the room.
absolute clock
[Image description: Tweet draft reading:
actor: *eating wing* Wow. Oh, my god. I'm gonna try the milk. The milk really helps?
hot ones guy: it helps a lot of people, yeah.
actor: *drinking milk, tearing up a bit* Just be kind to me in the edit, hahaha
hot ones guy: hahaha *readying next question* In 2009, you signed a letter in support of disgraced Academy Award winning filmmaker Roman /.End ID]
ilya in the show: uses less contractions than native english speakers, drops his articles, uses filler words sometimes when searching for proper phrasing
ilya in half of y'all's fics: Me Grog from Cave
Iâm going to level with you. I have listened to The Devil Went Down to Georgia for most of my life. We were a country music household, this was a staple of my childhood along with Johnny Cash, Garth Brooks, and that one Chipmunks country album.
I have no idea what âFire on the mountain run boys run/The Devil's in the house of the rising sun/Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough/Granny does your dog bite no child noâ means and at this point Iâm too scared to ask.
For once I can be of assistance.
Each of the lyrics comes from an old-time hickory song for fiddles, and is a lyric from that corresponding song.
"Fire on the Mountain" --> "Fire on the Mountain, run boys run"
Fire On The Mountain - Fiddle Player POV
"The House of the Rising Sun" --> "The Devil's in the house of the rising sun"
House of the Rising Sun
"Ida Red" --> "Chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough"
Ida Red - Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys
"Granny Will Your Dog Bite" --> "Granny does your dog bite? 'No child, no'."
FTC #149 Granny Will Your Dog Bite
And for your furthered education, The Mountain Whipporwill.
Mountain Whippoorwill (aka How Hillbilly Jim Won the Great Fiddler's Prize)
this is the key part of the song, that a lot of people miss. people have this misconception that the contest between Johnny and The Devil is about who is the better fiddle player. but it isn't. its about who is the better fiddler.
in a time before things like radios and record players, every time you heard music was because there was somebody in the room with you playing an instrument. and many, many, many social events involved dancing, which requires music. so, if you're planning any kind of gathering in the american south or appalachia, you need to find a fiddler. and the fiddler's job is to play music that everybody knows and likes and can dance to.
the mistake The Devil makes in his bet with Johnny is that he misinterprets the contest as being about technical ability, so he has this big flashy song. he plays fast and impressively with a band of demons playing unfamiliar instruments in unfamiliar rhythms. he's definitely more skilled at playing than Johnny, and thinks he has it in the bag.
but Johnny wins because the contest is about being the best fiddler. the song uses these lines mentioned above as a shorthand for saying that Johnny is playing these songs. Johnny launches into a set of the most popular songs, played well, and that's what gives him his big win. A good fiddler knows all the hits, and can read the room to know what to play next. The Devil loses because he completely fails to read the room, and doesn't know the right songs.
Transphobia is about to be signed into law in the UK. We can fight this.
I am begging the UK trans community and its allies to attend the Mass Lobby at Parliament on June 25th, 11am-4pm, organised by Trans Solidarity Alliance.
Last year we broke the record for an LGBT+ mass lobby of Parliament. Will you help us break it again? Join us on 25th June 2026 to demand be
The new EHRC Code of Practice pushes trans people out of toilets, hospital wards, and community spaces. It normalises gender policing based on appearance and stereotypes. It becomes statutory guidance in the UK by the end of June.
Trans people are now legally their assigned gender at birth and must join gendered spaces accordingly, but if they are perceived as their lived gender, they can also be ejected from those spaces. The guidance says: either break the law, or donât pass too well.
A mass lobby is where you invite your MP to discuss your concerns with you in-person. Ask your MP to:
Demand full parliamentary scrutiny, debate, and use their free vote on the EHRC Code of Practice.
Support any motions rejecting the EHRC guidance. As of June 4th, Labour MP Nadia Whittome has submitted a prayer motion - Early Day Motion 240.
Write to Bridget Phillipson, the Minister for Women and Equalities about our concerns
Your MP does not have to be an ally, they do not have to respond to your email for you to show up and greencard them (details below the cut.) What matters is that as many people as possible show up.
I cannot stress this enough: Showing up in person matters. It is much more effective than petitions, emails, and letters.
It is a horrible, stressful time, and I am so sorry if you're trans and live in the UK. But I was at last year's mass lobby and the line for greencarding alone stretched around the back gates. It was a record breaking mass lobby and made us impossible to ignore. Let's do even better this time. Details under the cut:
The heavily worn tunic of the Bernuthsfeld Man, patched out of 45 single pieces of cloth, 20 different fabrics in 9 different weaving patterns. 680â775 CE, Lower Saxony, Germany.
Criticizing the everything machine
If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2026/06/06/applied-counterescatology/#step-right-up
"Gish Gallop" is the debating term for an opponent who makes so many claims that "it's impossible to address them in the time available" (it's named for Creationist Duane Gish, who was notorious for this tactic):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gish_gallop
I think about the Gish Gallop whenever I'm asked to comment on AI.
Here's a recent example: last week, I had a pre-interview call with a radio producer who wanted me to come on a 13-minute segment to discusses "whether there's a problem with AI governance?"
I asked what the show meant by that: was it whether regulation of AI in commercial or public sector decision-making needed more oversight? Was it that the siting and provisioning of data-centers needed more democratic accountability? Was it that workers deserved more of a say in AI's impact on labor markets? Was it that customers and/or audiences should be able to opt out of AI customer service and AI slop? Was it about whether we needed some kind of system to prevent "runaway AI," in the event that we teach so many words to the word-guessing program that it wakes up, becomes God, and turns us all into paperclips?
"Oh," the producer said, "all of that."
In 13 minutes.
You see the problem, right? The AI industry has made so many claims about its past, present and future that it's almost impossible to have a reasonable critical conversation about it:
https://bsky.app/profile/petermiles.eurosky.social/post/3mnffjqczjs2t
Shortly after I did the radio show, a newspaper editor who'd heard my segment got in touch to ask me if I'd write an 800-word op-ed about the subject, and also, could I address claims that "AI is the next Industrial Revolution?"
In 800 words:
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/06/04/ai-is-the-greatest-money-wasting-scheme-humanity-has-ever-i/
Weren't chatbots from years ago able to solve climate change? Like, it's the same solution that climate scientists were presenting for decades.
It's just that people don't want to implement it.
It took me one search to solve climate change using "AI":
And let's not forget that It took 200 years for that labor movement to win significant advancements! The first Industrial Revolution started in 1760, and the 8-hour work day was only widely accepted after the First International Labor Organization Convention of 1919.
And furthermore, the economic boom and social progress that we could enjoy during the second half of the 20th century on the west, very much depended on outsourcing all the bad consequences of the industrial revolution (the dangerous labour practices, the pollution, the devaluation of labor, etc.) to third world countries.
Anybody who tries to sell the Industrial Revolution as an aspirational model for AI is not only bullshitting you but asking you (and your kids, and your grandkids) to suffer unimaginably for the nebulous posibility of a better future 200 years from now.