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@flames-and-feelings
The whumpee was like a toy in a dollhouse, living in a delicate facade of torture and luxury under the whumper. Any sign of distress was seen as entitlement by guests, and scars were waved off as clumsiness. It’s like nothing the whumpee did helped, and they just wanted their freedom back.
"good kitty."
I'm having a bit of a normal one tonight so
• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't have a fucking clue what all their programs are or how exactly they work or how they're triggered and may constantly be living like they're walking on eggshells.
• shoutout to hc-did systems who have no fucking idea what the full extent of their trauma is and are terrified to figure out more and/or want to learn everything that happened so badly.
• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't know or understand everything about their innerworld. fuck it shoutout to hc-did systems who just Don't Know in general!
• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't have any "real" or "physical" proof of their ramcoa besides their own memories.
• shoutout to hc-did systems whos perpetrators never got a lick of punishment for what they did to you or others.
• shoutout to hc-did systems who actively want or are trying to get their perpetrators punished for what they did.
• shoutout to hc-did systems who can't have their perpetrators punished for what they did.
• shoutout to hc-did systems who might still be in danger. real or perceived.
this ramcoa shit is so confusing and exhausting and horrible and lonely and fucking (re)traumatizing and it's so hard. i'm tired I just want people to believe me sometimes but how much do I believe other people believe me when I share the sheer horrors that rear their ugly heads in our mind. from alters popping up or a memory just appearing out of nowhere to just whole somatic flashbacks. how much can we take? how much DID we take?
I hate when the dots connect. FUCK WHY ARE THE DOTS CONNECTING WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRAZY, NOT PROVEN RIGHT.
god I need to go back to him. all I can think about is sitting patiently however long he wants with a chained collar on my neck, my wrists, in an outfit any other boy would call pure humiliation. i don’t care. i miss him I miss him so badly I want to go back to him I crave his love so much it makes me crazy. if I go back on my own volition he will love me more, he’ll treat me like a prince I’m his special little boy I’m his prize I’m his treasure I’m everything he wants I just need to be with him again
anyone know how to cope with homicidal urges? can't go to a ward atm and my therapist isn't much help
physically exaughsting ur body in safe ways is usually really helpful. redirecting violent behavior and urges onto appropriate and harmless targets so ur able to still release the pent up energy without hurting urself or others can be a really great coping mechanism
personally my favorite was buying dollar store plates and mugs and smashing them in the backyard. but if u dont have space for something like that, some others examples would be
standing ur mattress up and using it or some pillows as punching bags, u can even get a baseball bat or just a big stick and swing that at it if u have the space
doing a similar thing with a couch or chair with a bunch of pillows on it
a pinata
cutting/chopping wood
stabbing into foam or cardboard, or just otherwise shredding/cutting it up. u could also used stuffed animals or pillows tho those tend to not be as satisfying imo cause theyre too squishy and expensive to replace
running, biking or high impact workouts
cold showers or dunking ur face in ice cold water
things that help to reset ur nervous system are great for helping to temporarily disconnect us from the physical manifestations of anger like adrenaline and help reset our headspace
exaughsting ur body with physical tasks that engage ur entire body in a motion are great at releasing pent up angry or violent energy and helping to calm the "buzzing" itchy under the skin feeling that comes with lots of aggression
thank you sm
"bad boy."
blur
perfect little thing for the grown ups to have fun with.
SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!
will I ever know what happened? I need to. I need to know so badly; it is tearing me apart to have no memories of ANYTHING.
Nothing explains the sidesystems we found. We can’t come up with entire organized structures and alters and roles overnight.
Nothing explains the trafficking ring we have in the main system.
Nothing explains the giant gap in memory we have from birth til age 13.
Nothing explains why we get triggered by whips or chains or neon lights.
Nothing explains how we wrote a story with oddly specific torture and characters with behavior and triggers that we found within the system too.
Nothing explains why we’re even a system!!! how could we have been programmed I don’t believe it man!!! we had a good life there was no trauma the most was probably just emotional neglect!!!!
sure there was that one memory of us in 2nd grade when we were 7 where a teacher or staff member likely SA’d us in the school staff bathroom but ?!;?;?; it explains one thing but doesn’t explain anything else
I JUST WANNA KNOW!!!! WHY IS THAT AUCH A HARD ASK
im literally living a burning movie reel, everything is present and past and future at the same time. I can only see it happen and I can never see it again. why can’t I see it again