trigun 1998 episode simulator
[3 minutes of guitar solo]
Vash the Stampede: hi my name is Vash the Stampede. I am a hunter of Peace chasing the elusive mayfly of Love. all I really want to do is have a sandwich and a morning coffee without getting chased by bandits
some bandit: (gunshot) absolutely not. square up faggot
Vash the Stampede: my name is Vash the stampede. I am a hunter of Peace chasing the elusive mayfly of Love.could I please have a sandwich
Meryl from the Bernardelli Insurace Society: how long are you going to sit on your ass doing nothing but playing games with children and doing chores for the elderly and disabled and looking after lonely youths and cooking dinner for the homeless
Vash: I've been here for like 2 days
[exit left pursued by bounty hunters]
Vash the Stampede: (panting, entering a bar) my name is Vash the stampede.... I am a hunter of Peace chasing the elusive mayfly of Good L*rd what is going on in here
Hostage: mphdsfhapff!!!! mffmpphhf!!!!
Villain of the week: well if it isn't the elusive Vash the Stampede! you see it all started when I was 4 days old and you kicked me like a football and then exploded my parents to death with a laser canon and killed every puppy in a ten ile (translator's note: this is the No Man's Land equivalent of the American Mile) radius
Vash: I don't remember doing that but well I suppose you can shoot me if it'll make you feel better
Side character of the week: Are you insane? Just shoot him instead???
Vash: but my mom told me not to be mean to people
Villain of the week: (still going) And as I am now 47 years old I have finally decided to get my revenge. Say your prayers, Vash the Pisshead
[Wall explodes and reveals a motorcycle with a sexy priest on it]
[sfx: guitar with a hint of electric distortion]
Vash: is that..... Wolfwood?
Meryl who was in the background this whole time: the priest?
Nicholas Dickolas Wolfwood: (brings his fingers up to a pair of luscious lips to grab the cigarette from right between them, taking one more slow inhale before crushing the cherry red underneath his heel)(sensually cocks one of his 8 guns) Are you just gonna let this guy talk down to you like that needle noggin?
Vash: -uess not, since you're here to help now... (slow, warm smile) Wolfwood
Nicholas D. ranged Wolfwood: Vash
Milly who was also in the background this whole time: Hi mr priest man! isn't this lovely, I haven't seen you since the last time you spoke with mr Vash yesterday evening when you were helping him buckle all those silly belts on his pants after he had lost them somehow
Milly: On a cactus! Oh it must've hurt so terribly; how fortunate that Mr Priest man was there to help you
Villain of the week: ohhhhh curses!!! CURSES!!!! I have spent my whole existence getting ready to fight Vash the Stampede but he's just too good at swallowing all my bullets!!!!!!
Vash the Stampede: my tragic dead mother would be sad if I didn't swallow everyone's bullets so I've trained diligently every morning at digesting gunpowder without dying immediately
Wolfwood: [internally: I can't believe it. All this time I've spent walking the path of darkness, reaching to a pure light that I could never grasp, and yet here is a man who's dedicated his life and his body to the pursuit of Peace. I wish he were a woman so I could fuck him romantic style. I've got a whole plan for it and everything. Whiskey, sunset, a bed with no sand in it, 6 hours. This would be fully and completely possible if only he were a woman. Unfortunately he's not, but I can still think about the what-ifs. platonically of course. Maybe if he got some good dick he'd stop being so annoying. And maybe he'd stop making me rethink my morals. I wonder if the seven drunken handies meant anything to him. Platonically]
Wolfwood: Well anyway it looks like my job is done here
Vash: (teary) Will I see you again?
Wolfwood: I don't know. And besides, whenever I look at you, I'm reminded of everything I hate about myself. You know, it hurts.
[exit Nicholas D. Wolfwood pursued by repressed homosexual desires and immense catholic guilt]
Vash the Stanned Peat: (looking out the window like a widow whose husband was killed in action) Nicholas... D... Wolfwood.......
Meryl who was in the background that entire time, yes, the whole time: shut the fuck up already
Vash: when will it be my turn Meryl. When
