Just so everyone knows...
Healthy people that ask how I “managed to get my mmj license,” or how they can “register their dog as a service animal,” are the most ignorant fucking people. They’re so ignorant they don’t even know they’re ignorant, which is the worst kind.
Well, for the first and last time I’ll explain how I got all these “cool perks” and how you can get them for yourself! This is the only time I’ll tell you and I won’t be repeating myself so listen up and never ask me ever again.
First get yourself in a motor vehicle accident. Smash into a tree or something. I chose to be stopped in a traffic jam and choose to turn and protect my son from a texting teen traveling 75mph behind me, breaking my lower spine.
I like to be sure so go ahead and get into a motorcycle accident as well. I slid across a highway after slamming my ass into it and shattering my tailbone. The driver died, I know, oh well.
Then get yourself in an abusive relationship. Make sure your relationship is with an ignorant and violent prick who will get mad that you can no longer clean up his mess while you’re raising his child alone. Choose someone who “can’t marry a cripple” and have him send you down a flight of stairs after your 3rd spinal surgery. Make sure he breaks your entire lower lumbar! I had him choke me out, but you can do this however you want.
Make sure to spend 3 years in bed. Don’t go out except for when you need another surgery. Make sure to choose a shitty doctor who will accidentally cut little slits in your spinal cord or nervous system. Learn to walk again but face pain daily.
Try to get diagnosed with some kinda liver thing. Make sure all your doses are super high. Get dependent on pain killers. Withdrawal from pain killers. Nearly die from pain killers. Get sent to plenty of doctors, none who can or even want to help. Do this just before your shitty president puts in shitty laws about shitty insurance. For the rest of the time just, like suffer.
Okay its been 3 years. You lost your job, income and most of your friends. Not to mention adhd, manic depression and anxiety meet up with your trauma, on which you blame your situation. Together they take the form of PTSD! Congratulations! You now have mental disorders and physical brain injuries. Way to go! You can also try going to war or witnessing a murder for this part.
Year 4 has just begun. I know it’s taking long but you can walk again! You must be determined! You should go out with whatever friend you have left! It’s someone’s birthday? GREAT! That’s a great idea for your first day of of the house in 3 years. Let’s go! None of your outside clothes fit. Awesome. Do you rock pj’s or look like shit but you tried. Mix em both okay here we go.
Woah, feel that social anxiety? Never know you had that. Awesome! Go go panic attack! You can handle this! You’ve been having them for years.
Wait, something isn’t right. Your head hurts and these lights are really bothersome. You feel hazy. It’s okay. Just tell someone. Tell someone. Tell them you don’t feel right.
Think you got this? LOL Instantly make your muscles seize so you straighten flat as a board. Now make a weird noise. Louder! You want people to see the foam and blood coming from your mouth. Shake uncontrollably. Good. Now just go to sleep.
Hey! Wake up! These paramedics are super hot.
“Hot,” don’t say that! Ugh, idiot. These lights are awfully bright. Why am I looking at the lights? Oh how did I get down here? What the fuck is on my shirt?
“Can you tell me your name?”
Right, hot paramedic. Okay, he wants my name. My name. Oh god what’s my name? Shit! I should know this.
“She’s not responding. How about your address?”
Okay! Address! Awesome I got this. Yes okay. Address. My address. Um… 5? Is there a 5 in there? 5 something? No. Wait.
“How about a phone number? Who should I call?”
Me, you sexy li- okay, wait. Yes, call someone! Oh, I don’t know. Here! Have my phone. Why did I give him my phone? Give me that back. Don’t look! He’s looking. Nothing, okay. Phew.
“Who is this? Do you know him?”
Oh, yes! Friend. I know him! I… Uh… He’s… I just know him! Oh man he’s like my favorite thing! What is he?! What’s wrong with me?
After this just watch the crazy lights go by as you’re taken to the hospital.
You just had your first seizure! Congratulations! Get used to that!
Okay so friends are over rated. Just chill with your crazy biker family. Here you can choose to move in with a psycho, roommate with a professional hit man, live in an auto garage or anything you find similar. I chose crazy bikers. Make sure your ex continues to stalk, abuse and harass you. It really makes the PTSD harder to handle.
Spend the last year training and paying others to train a service dog. That’s about all you do, listen to your brothers, hang around the house with the guys and train your dog.
Realize some days you WILL NOT make it out of bed. You simply can’t. One day depression will steal your motivation. You’ll become easily overwhelmed. Your legs will be unstable, your back will be in incredible pain, your hands and fingers will be numb and you’ll be completely out of sync.
Continue to have seizures, often daily, causing even more pain to your back. No, you don’t get medicine. You just suffer.
Your dog has a tumor. Well shit, you can’t afford that. You need to save her! Make sure you later find out its lung cancer and you need to retire that dog and start all over again.
Now you have seizures, manic depression, anxiety, ptsd, mobility issues, back pain, inability to bend due to spinal cord injury and seizures.
Congratulations your life is hell.
You may now fill out all your paperwork for whatever license you want and you may train your pup. They’ll respond in 3 months. Be ready to file appeals!
So the key is suffering and determination. So go get royally fucked up. Suffer 5 years. Then enjoy your “perks” while still trying to get a doctor to fix you and waiting on disability so you can live that you filed 4 ago.
If you can bend and you are healthy, don’t fucking ask me how you can get disability privileges that you don’t need nor deserve.
Sure, I look fine some days. Sometimes, I don’t bring my dog. But I have her because I can’t bend to the ground to pick anything up. I lose my legs sometimes. She helps with seizures. Oh I take a medication that will make my pain bearable and you want to play with it?
No dude. You guys make it so much harder for us. You make us look ignorant and put into place more hurdles to jump. Chime in if you agree.
So for the last time, you want the “benefits” get the disability… you have no clue what they’ve been through.
You don’t judge a book by its cover and certainly don’t take its cover, as you simply like it, when you aren’t even a book.