From Mind To Pen

What I'm thinking about. Just to get it down in writing though it may never get read.

[frommindtopen]

There’s a story behind this little girl. When I get a moment. I’ll tell it. 🥰

[inpraiseofpmg]

Drake’s hand on the hip pose

[frommindtopen]

We all treated her like a doll… like a baby, especially me. My granddaughter told me today that she knew it was going to be hard for me because Starbaby was like a part of me, she was everywhere I was — at least at home. We were rather inseparable. She gave me an immense amount of joy and honestly, I would stop and thank God several times a week for putting this dog in my life, just for the delight she brought me. Even so, I didn’t have an iota of an idea of how much grief I would feel at her death. Thirteen years of attachment, then the past year, treating her like an aging parent with Alzheimer’s really. We adjusted our lives and our furnishings around her well-being.

I’ve lost pets before, pets that I’ve loved, I’ve even lost people, and it’s been painful. Who knew that a little insignificant dog could leave me feeling a chasm of grief that I didn’t know even existed. And now, of course, I’m wondering how people endure it if they lose a human they love and are close with. I have friends and relatives who have lost spouses and children. I knew I couldn’t even imagine their sorrow. Now, I really know that I can’t fathom the depths of pain they must experience and I don’t know how they can go through it. How does one get up and put one foot in front of another when they lose a beloved spouse, or worse, a child? The only good thing about this, other than having her at all, is that it has made me understand others’ grief much more compassionately.

[frommindtopen]

I hate when people die and they call the death notice a “Celebration of Life.” I don’t want to celebrate their life, I want to mourn their death. The celebration can come a little later, after I’ve managed the grief a bit.

A friend of ours died on Friday. It wasn’t a total surprise. She had fought the cancer battle for quite some time and she was 84 years old, so it was inevitable. She was a pretty terrific lady and even though I shouldn’t be shocked at her death, I still am. She was so tough and peppy that it was hard to believe she had to succumb. And I feel grief.

My dog died three weeks ago, and I’m still grieving horrendously. I still have one crying spell about every day. I’m still grieving. I’m not celebrating her life.

When she was put down, people said things like, “Think of all the wonderful memories you have to keep,” etc. etc. It’s true, I DO have all these wonderful memories, but that doesn’t make it any easier. As a matter of fact, that makes it harder because it just emphasizes what I’ve lost. I wouldn’t trade them, not at all. But those wonderful memories make it hurt all the more.

Still, I am grateful and feel blessed to have ever had her. And I feel blessed to have ever known her the woman who died on Friday. I just don’t feel like celebrating their lives right now. I feel like mourning their deaths. Eventually maybe I’ll feel like celebrating their lives. In the meantime, feeling blessed for having had them will have to do.

[frommindtopen]

Petrichor

The rain is pouring relentlessly. Heavy drops hit the ground then bounce back into the air. A delicate woman runs into the arms of an amply muscled man and they embrace as they are pelted, clothes becoming translucent and soaked. The music soars and the couple are lost in deep kisses.

How many times have we watched a scene like that in a movie or a tv show, or read something similar in a book? It resonates with us. It’s not that any of us particularly like to get caught in a cold rain. I, personally, hate to be wringing out my socks at work on those days when the skies open up in Chicago. The thing is, there is something about rain that evokes our primal nature and it starts before the first drop hits the ground. It starts with petrichor. Petrichor - a word combining petra (stone) and ichor (the blood of the gods) to describe the scent that rises prior to the start of a rainstorm.

Back when that couple was embracing, when those big drops were hitting the ground and soaking their shoes, those drops were splattering and ejecting aerosols that spread something called geosmin into the wind. A breeze that made the delicate woman shiver carried the geosmin downwind until it was inhaled by a different young woman who was holding the hand of her three-year-old daughter as they walked across a lush green park. That young woman drew in a deep breath. “Do you smell that, Annie?” Turning her gaze toward the sky she continued, “It smells like rain.” And the two walked a little faster, heading toward home. The little girl’s dragging feet stirred up the ground disturbing the work of the actinobacteria which, until the rise of the humidity, had been a bit sluggish. The actinobacteria had been busy decomposing dead and decaying organic matter into simple chemical compounds and converting them into nutrients and, as they did this work, they created the geosmin which would soon be carried in the air to the next town to alert them of the coming rain. In the days of early man, this foretold a time of green growth.

Nowadays, neighbors will go to their windows and inhale, then they’ll look toward the clouds. Some may feel a trace of dread, some may feel a bit excited, some may give a tiny smile and murmur, “I’ve always loved the rain,” but almost nobody will feel nothing. The scent of the petrichor riding in on the breeze will trigger a response deep within us. For me, I close my eyes and take in the mystery of life, the passing of time. I inhale the knowledge that there is at work a force that turns the dessicated into nutrients. Even now in my own life and in the lives of my children and grandchildren, old is being used to create new.

Petrichor for me is primal. It is stone and the blood of the gods. But petrichor is also spiritual. Like incense and prayers, it reaches places that seem deeper than instinctive and it calls to something that foretells of life to come.

[frommindtopen]

I’ll have what he’s having… on second thought, I’ll just have HIM… all cozy in that wonderful Irish wool sweater. *sigh*. I didn’t sleep well last night. Part of me thinks I’d sleep much better wrapped up in that sweater 😉 but part of me thinks I might not sleep at all — nor let him. Of course, given his record for fidelity, he’d HAVE to be drugged in order for me to have a chance. 🤣

[frommindtopen]

I kept the pink collar with the little white bone pattern for a long time. Maybe a year or two.

It hung on my backpack even after we got StarBaby. It was a silly, sentimental thing to keep, and probably even a little disgusting, but the collar smelled like Precious. That lovely warm golden cocker spaniel was the dumbest dog I’d ever lived with, and I’d lived with many a dog. Yes, she was by far the dumbest but she was also the sweetest and, in spite of her lack of intellect, she had very wise eyes — a sort of profound Yoda-esque gaze.

Precious loved bananas and guilessly pursued them, often dragging empty peels from the garbage without shame. And she unabashedly chose a spot in the hallway to use as an emergency bathroom, driving us to despair and finally dog pads. But she also brimmed with pleasure when we came in the front door, gloriously welcoming us as if we’d been gone for days, even if we’d just been taking out the garbage. She’d curl up close by as we watched television. She’d bounce along beside us as we took her on the great adventure of shopping or going to the park.

When she slowly lost her energy and looked at us soulfully, sluggishly walking around the house, we thought it was age. But when her abdomen began to swell, we knew it was sickness. Her vet advised us that there was nothing reasonable we could do to prolong her life—nothing that wouldn’t be an unexplainable torment to her. And finally,we had to “put her down,” or as my parents used to call it, “put her to sleep.”

I have never had to put down an animal before. My parents had to put down a dog or two as I was growing up but I’ve only had an animal that I should have put down. I had a cat, Tiger, who I loved desperately and who had liver disease. He seemed healthy enough, almost through to the end. And as he got sicker, he was still eating, still living.

I had some sleeping drops in the cabinet. I thought if things got bad enough I could give him some of those and end it. But that’s not how it turned out. When the end came, he died writhing in pain for fifteen minutes, maybe more, and I swore to myself I would never extend an animal’s life like that again.

So with Precious, the morning that she couldn’t get out of bed, we lifted her for the last time and brought her to the vet’s office. The three of us, my husband, my son, and myself, gathered round her. A little bandage was wrapped around her tiny leg and she gazed at us dimly as we petted her though our sobs. They sent her into sleep but didn’t finalize it until after we stepped out. I took her collar with me.

I had that collar for a long time. It was strapped to my backpack. Once in awhile I’d take a little whiff to remind me of her. Several years later, I was caught in a morning rainstorm. Everything was drenched. When all my stuff dried off I realized the collar was now just a collar. It wasn’t hers anymore. It had lost its scent.

It’s still around somewhere. I don’t know where, but now and then I come across it and I think about what a wonderful dog she was. I look down and realize I’ve had her “replacement” for much longer than I had her. StarBaby is my dog, not a family dog, although I share her with my husband. My son is now married and in his own household. Starbaby is fifteen years old and in really good health. Still, with her in her senior years, I live in fear of the moment that I may have to say goodbye. And I’m not sure what I’ll strap to my backpack as StarBaby doesn’t wear a collar.

[frommindtopen]

Have you ever heard the phrase, “I’d sell my soul for a…” followed by something like, “a cold beer,” or “a million dollars,” or “to see her get her comeuppance?” They used to say that “I’d sell my soul” phrase in the old days, you’d hear it in movies or read it in books. And sometimes plots were built around the concept—people selling their souls for gain or fame. Damn Yankees was a Broadway musical where a guy was willing to sell his soul for his baseball team to beat the NY Yankees. Dorian Gray sold his soul in order to keep looking young. Selling souls has been such a popular theme throughout time, Wiki has a whole entry devoted just to Deals with the Devil in Popular Culture.

But what is our soul really worth?

We walk around every day feeling like we have this valuable thing inside us. After all, God wants it, the devil wants it, those are the two most powerful beings in the universe, right? If they want our soul, it must be important. Except I’m not convinced it’s as valuable a commodity as we believe.

First of all, although I wouldn’t try it, I’ll bet you right now, if I asked to open negotiations with the devil about my soul, I wouldn’t hear a word back. Anytime I ever heard someone say, “I’d sell my soul for…” I never saw a response come in from a nether-worldly beast or Satan, himself. And I am fairly sure that no one could really conjure up much interest from Satan at this point, no matter who their soul might be. He’s already pretty much got us. Most of us sold our souls to him the first time we lied to our moms as toddlers or when we bit another kid in anger or squawled at our parents because we wanted our way. That sealed the deal. The devil doesn’t need our current offers.

Secondly, if God really wanted our soul so badly, He could just take it. The only reason we have it in the first place is because He gave it to us. I imagine it being something like a parent giving their baby a stuffed animal then playing a game where the parent pretends he/she can’t pull the toy out of the baby’s hands. A parent will naturally do that kind of thing to foster a feeling of empowerment in the child. Maybe that’s what God is doing to us with our souls. We can have them, but they’re not exactly ours to barter with—and He could surely take our soul back any time He wanted to. It’s just nicer if we willingly give it over, lovingly give it over—that’s what God probably finds valuable. Just like a parent wouldn’t care about a proffered stuffed animal, it’s the love expressed by the child who extends it that’s valued.

On the other hand, the only reason the devil wants our souls is to aggravate God. Satan doesn’t treasure us. Our soul value is found in God’s love for us. If God didn’t care about us, Satan would have no use for our souls. Maybe he could find some amusement in tormenting us, but we’re basically worthless to him otherwise. There’s just not much to sell there.

Our souls are battered, stained, smelly, sometimes even lost, but when God comes to get them, He’ll clean ‘em up and maybe He’ll be able to put them to better use than we ever did.

[frommindtopen]

This side is my more serious blog… usually… I can’t hold back from speaking out about my opinion on what’s going on in our country (the USA) right now. We are all entitled to our opinions but we must all remember that opinions aren’t necessarily truth. I try to keep that in mind. And, believe me, I wrestle with myself over my own opinions frequently. I have also been known to change opinions—even those I have been passionate about. For instance, abortion.

Years ago, I was rabidly ‘pro choice.’ That was my stance for many years. Then, I began to think about fetal rights. At least that’s what I called them: fetal rights. I realized that it didn’t make sense not to call a fetus a human because when I had a miscarriage, I lost a baby. That’s how it was to me. When my daughters miscarried, they lost babies. They grieved for their lost children. And it didn’t make sense that a girl who was pregnant could abort a baby one day and it was okay, but deliver that baby the next day in the bathroom at prom and kill it then be accused of murder. So then I became very very ‘pro life.’

Then things settled. I realized that this is not a ‘one size fits all’ situation. I still believe in fetal rights and I really believe that if a fetus had dollars in its fist to spend, there wouldn’t BE abortions — corporations wouldn’t have allowed that to happen because they would have lost consumers. And if a fetus had the right to vote, hah… don’t get me started. But I also believe that a pregnant person is in a moral dilemma if that person has personal reason to believe the pregnancy will put an undue burden on her or her family. I think abortion is a recourse that should be taken seriously. There are many couples out there, both gay and straight, who greatly desire to adopt. But I think it’s a recourse that should be available to a woman.

I also believe that if Christians TRULY were concerned about the welfare of a fetus, instead of just making laws about abortion, they would enact bills that would embrace pregnant people and newborns so that women would be less tempted to take that way out. If fathers were induced to take more responsibility for unborn children and if the government would help with the costs of prenatal care and postnatal childcare, if laws and bills were enacted to allow for inexpensive adoption, and if funds were made available for pre-abortion counseling by reasonable people who could present all options in a fair and unbaised, non-judgmental manner to help a woman (and man) make this decision, then I believe the number of abortions would be reduced naturally. I also believe a father should be involved in this decision. After all, it’s HIS baby too. (And in these states where they are mandating a woman must carry the child, the father should be liable for child support from the time of conception. After all, prenatal care requires extra costs.)

Additionally, if as much effort was put into research on better forms of contraception, there would be fewer abortions as over 50% of abortions are performed on women who were using contraception. This is not always an issue of women being irresponsible.

But all of this is rooted back in the fact that the Republicans were so outrageous as to not allow Obama to pick a candidate for the SCOTUS because they said it was too close to the end of his term, yet they insisted upon Trump picking one at the end of his term and the Democrats let them get away with it. At the same time, subpoenas have been issued to people regarding Trump’s illegal activities and those people have not shown up in court or produced documents required and nothing has been done to those people. If an ordinary citizen ignored a subpoena, they would be severely punished. But nothing happens to these people.

January 6th trials are quietly going on and largely being ignored. When it’s all over, it’ll go the same way as the Russian interference investigation. Nothing will be done about the egregious behavior of Donald Trump and/or his associates. All that will happen will be opinion pieces in the newspapers and cynical jokes on late night television. The Republicans will continue to rig the elections by changing voting laws, changing the id requirements for voters, changing the districts around in their own favor, and discounting valid votes. All of this is PROVEN… absolutely PROVEN. Yet, nothing will happen to them. The Democrats will make remarks, they’ll even bring it up at election time. But it seems as if when it comes to the general public, it will fall on deaf ears and many people won’t even bother to go to the polls. And those who have SOME power, will not follow up by sending officers to the homes of the people who have ignored subpoenas. They will not use force to make Trump and his cronies comply with the laws of the country. This is something I just don’t understand. It’s not like they can wait for the Republicans to agree with them. That’s not going to happen. Maybe they thought it would after January 6th, but it’s obviously not. The Republicans have discovered that they can get away with anything. Trump even once said that he “could shoot somebody and not lose voters,” and that appears to be true.

As citizens, we have depended upon our representatives to say, “Enough is enough,” and they are not putting their foot down. It’s like the bully in the class keeps getting away with more and more and the teachers are not doing anything so he feels confident to just keep doing worse and worse things. I don’t understand why people are not going to jail when they should be and why the Democrats are not stepping out to the edges the way the Republicans have. I just don’t get it.

So, that’s my rant. Clearly, our country is TWO countries. It is time for us to split that way. But, honestly, the worst part of it is that these people who are forcing their rule on everybody are also hiding behind Christianity and when they do that, they are NOT drawing people to Christ.They are pushing people away from God and making a mockery of everything Jesus stands for, in my opinion. They’re making Christians look stupid, judgemental, only interested in having things their way, angry, and unempathic. It is detestable and not indicative of the things that brought me to Christ and keep me with Christ and that is what hurts the most.

[frommindtopen]

“Calling things by their name is essential to stand up to evil,” Zelensky tweeted Tuesday. I agree with this but we also have to be careful to have the right name. That’s the tough part. Either way, we want to make sure we keep our eyes and minds open. WWII showed us what happens when we don’t take claims of mass murders seriously. Navigating this political climate is like walking across a lightly frozen river… not just the climate of our world right now but even our country. I commend the courage of leaders who are struggling to do what is right. It seems no one can make a move or speak a word without some sort of editorial assault from somewhere.

This war seems surreal to me, sitting here safely in the middle of the American suburbs. It feels like WWII is re-playing right now in some ways and it’s astounding how this is all happening—and frightening.

[poems-and-word]

[a-touc-of-love]

🌹

[frommindtopen]

It’s just so beautiful…

[frommindtopen]

They’re doing a series of sermons on the Apostle’s Creed at church. I thought I’d go through it again just to see if I still believe all of it because I’ve found lately that maybe there are some Christian precepts that I’m beginning to question.

As I was raised Episcopalian, I had to memorize this whole thing when I got confirmed, but I couldn’t remember all of it now so I had to google it and print it out. I went through it step by step and questioned myself. Do I really believe all of this? This is what Christians are “supposed” to believe. It was interesting to note that the Creed didn’t address any of the things that I, personally, am currently questioning. That was a bit of a relief to be honest. Anyway, here’s what I came up with. Honestly, I’m not expecting ANYONE at all to read this whole thing. It’s a lot of words. I’m just pasting it in to keep a note for myself for the future.

I believe in God,

(Yes, I really do believe that. I believe in a compassionate, all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful being who watches over us, who CAN take steps to change things and who DOES take steps to change things - from time to time - as He sees fit, that we cannot question because we just don’t know what He knows. I believe that He is omniscient, that we know nothing compared to Him and when we bring our petty complaints to Him - even though they don’t seem so petty to us because they may have to do with life and death - we have no idea of what the grand scheme of things is - He actually knows what He’s doing and we don’t. I also believe He keeps out of our business. After all, this is OUR world, He gave us free will and let’s us use it and if we don’t use the brains He gave us or if we use those brains the wrong way and use our free will the wrong way, the only time He might step in to fix the issues that we caused is if we petition Him with enough prayer and even then He might not step in. But, yes, I DO believe in God.)

the Father almighty,

(And, yes, I believe He is the Father almighty… pretty much see the above.)

maker of heaven and earth,

(Yes, I believe He created everything. I don’t think that necessarily means there was no evolution involved. I don’t see why creationism and evolution have to preclude each other. After all, “to God a thousand years is like a day and a day is like a thousand years,” so time is all screwed up so who knows what seven days was really in the beginning. But, either way, I believe He created everything. And I get really amazed when I think about all living things having the same DNA origin, sort of like God did a cut and paste then made variations to it. Yeah, of COURSE He created everything… come on.)

and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,

(I DO believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God and was fully God and fully man. I don’t exactly get completely how that works but I DO get that it DID work. For heaven’s sake, if we can “get” some of the fantasy books out there, then how can we not “get” the concept of fully man and fully God. Is it because we say that this is real? Maybe. You know that some people run around acting like Harry Potter is real. I saw people in Universal who were wearing robes and dressed like “He, whose name shall not be spoken,” and it was like 100 degrees outside. Yet, they paced around with that heavy stuff on and serious expressions across their faces as if they were truly headed for Dumbledore or whoever it is and ready to buy a real wand. I’ve never heard a story of a wand REALLY changing the course of someone’s life with a miracle but I have heard hundreds of stories of a prayer changing the course of a life with a miracle. So… yes, I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God and I believe He’s real, but the reason I mostly believe is because of His presence in MY life.)

who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,

(Well, yeah, otherwise He wouldn’t have been fully God…)

born of the Virgin Mary,

Well, yeah, otherwise He wouldn’t have been fully man…)

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

(Even Josephus wrote about that — Josephus, for those of you who don’t know, was an ancient historian *nonChristian, by the way* who did confirm the reality of Jesus as a living, breathing human being.)

was crucified, died and was buried;

(Yep, it happened.)

he descended into hell;

(I don’t know how we know that and I’m less sure about that one but I’m going to buy into it because it makes sense.”

on the third day he rose again from the dead;

(Now, I struggled with this one for a while. I mean that’s a hard one to believe and it was hard for me. But here’s the thing, there were hundreds and hundreds of witnesses. There were hundreds of people who saw Him after he rose from the dead, not just like the Apostles - which is how it looks in the movies - there were hundreds! The way I ended up convinced was one afternoon, my daughter was telling me about a documentary where they said that Hitler was probably not actually dead at the end of WWII because there were some witnesses who saw him in South America. Not a lot of witnesses, but a few. I got really mad because I believed that, completely. There was no doubt in my mind. Then I thought to myself, if I could buy into the Hitler thing because of a few witnesses, why am I questioning the Jesus thing when there are hundreds of witnesses? That’s when I realized how biased I am. When it comes to Jesus and the Bible, I am pre-biased to more cynicism and anything from the Bible or to do with Jesus/God will require more convincing and more proof than anything to do with another subject. I am pre-programmed to believe anything Biblical LESS easily than anything else!)

he ascended into heaven,

(Yeah, that’s pretty easy to believe if you believe the last thing, right?)

and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty;

(Also, pretty darn easy to believe if you believe the other stuff.)

from there he will come to judge the living and the dead.

(If you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, of course you believe He has the right to judge people.)

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

(I DO believe in this. I know what I am like inside. Don’t we all know who we are to a certain extent? And I know the capacity I have for evil. Yet, I also know how I’ve changed since I came to Jesus. I believe that the Holy Spirit DID enter me and is still doing that work in me. Yeah Yeah, I know you can say it’s just me maturing or whatever but you don’t know what is inside of me. You don’t know the struggle I’ve had with mental illness. You don’t know what I’ve been through, how I tried to commit suicide three times, the first time at age 13, how many times I cut up my arms, all that I’ve done to others and myself. And you don’t know how that changed once Jesus came into my life so you really can’t make the judgement call on what brought about the change. Only I can make that call and I say it was the Holy Spirit.. the hand of Jesus.)

the holy catholic Church,

(I was taught that this actually means “throughout the whole” and not the Catholic Church denomination. I DO believe in the church body but I don’t feel as if the church body is functioning appropriately in the USA or probably very well anyplace else at this time. I think we are a very very sick body currently and only getting sicker. We are diseased and Covid has made us even sicker.)

the communion of saints,

(Yes, I think communion is pretty cool in that it centers our thoughts and reminds us of what the Lord did for us but I don’t believe it has magic powers or anything.)

the forgiveness of sins,

(Boy, oh boy, do I believe in this. And I sure believe that we are called to forgive others. I think that is one of our number one callings. We must must must empathize and forgive and when we can’t find forgiveness in our hearts, we must pray for the Holy Spirit to put that forgiveness there. I think that is one of our primary goals as human beings and, especially, as Christians.)

the resurrection of the body,

(I don’t know about this one, but I’m hoping that it’s true.)

and life everlasting. Amen.

(Yes, I do believe in life after life, that it will be everlasting.)

[frommindtopen]

Ed Asher… He had spunk. I like spunk.

RIP

[greatmuldini]

Far more poignantly, to my mind, than the iconic “bubbling” sequence from the opening (and end) credits of The Prisoner, these pictures captured quite by accident during the shooting of Arrival, are a perfect illustration of the creative process - or progress - behind the birth of Rover.

On a more metaphorical level, perhaps, they also depict the growing intimacy between the two adversaries as Rover takes on a life of his own, and they begin to move as one. The irony - and the symbolism - of this image surely must have been inescapable.

[frommindtopen]

My favorite famous story about Charlie Watts is that one night in Amsterdam, Mick Jagger was drunk and called Watts’s hotel room asking, “Where’s my drummer?” Watts got up, got dressed in a suit, went down and punched Jagger in the face and said, “Don’t ever call me your drummer again. You’re my fucking singer!”

I also find his fidelity to his wife second only to Patrick McGoohan, who was married for 58 years to the same woman compared to Watts’ 56 years. Watts went to the Playboy Mansion and hung out in the game room, not with the women ❤️

RIP Mr. Watts - may heaven welcome you in!

[guiltrose-deactivated20180203]

do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.