Soft Thoughts, Loud Truths

A journal of becoming - A personal space for quiet thoughts, loud truths, and everything in between.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Eid Weekend 🤍

During the Eid holidays, two of my best friends (friends I've had since elementary school) came all the way from Dubai to visit me in Abu Dhabi. And in true us fashion, we booked a hotel just two blocks away from my house. LOL!

It had been years since the three of us were last together in the same place, and while we arrived with a carefully planned itinerary and a long list of things we wanted to do, we ended up doing the exact opposite. Most of the plans were abandoned in favor of something we all desperately needed: rest.

We spent our time catching up on years of life updates, lounging around the hotel, wandering through the mall, celebrating Alma's birthday over a feast at Famous Dave's, and buying blind boxes to open together like excited kids. It was simple, unplanned, and honestly perfect.

We also visited the beautiful Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque. It was Brenda's first time there, and we took an unreasonable number of photos that I'm sure none of us will ever delete.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that the best moments aren't always the ones packed with activities. Sometimes they're the quiet ones, sharing meals, laughing over nothing, sitting together in comfortable silence, and enjoying the rare gift of having your people close by.

My heart feels so full. Grateful for the time, the memories, and friendships that have survived distance, busy schedules, and the passing of years.

Love these girls to bits. 🤍✨

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the recent discussion surrounding the couple who decided to terminate their pregnancy after learning that their baby would have Down syndrome. It’s a topic that brings out strong emotions, and before I share my thoughts, I think it’s important to explain where I’m coming from.

One of my biggest dreams in life has always been to become a mother. I’ve wanted children for as long as I can remember. Even when I was young, I was already imagining what it would be like to have kids someday and picking out names for my future children. Becoming a mom has never been a passing thought for me, it’s one of the dreams I’ve carried throughout my life.

Maybe that’s why this topic affects me so deeply.

When I heard about the story, I found myself asking what I would do if I were in that situation. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know. None of us truly know what we would do until we’re the ones facing that decision.

But based on my own experiences, I can understand why some parents might make that choice.

Growing up with a cleft lip and cleft palate, I know what it’s like to be different. I know what it’s like to be stared at, judged, and bullied. While my condition is not the same as Down syndrome, it gave me some understanding of how difficult it can be to navigate a world that isn’t always kind or accepting.

Because of that, I can’t help but think about the life a child may have.

When I imagine becoming a parent, I don’t just think about my dream of having a child. I think about the child’s future, their quality of life, and the challenges they may face. As much as I want to become a mother, I don’t want my desire for motherhood to be the only reason I bring a child into this world.

After all, children don’t ask to be born. That decision is made for them.

Because of that, I feel that parents have a responsibility to think beyond what they want and consider what kind of life their child may have.

This perspective doesn’t come from not wanting responsibility. If that child were mine, I know I would love them unconditionally. I would fight for them, advocate for them, and do everything I could to give them the best life possible.

But I also find myself thinking about the future.

As someone living with a chronic illness, I’m very aware that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. What happens when I’m gone? Who will care for my child the way I do? Who will protect them, support them, and make sure they’re treated with dignity and kindness?

Those fears don’t come from a lack of love. They come from an overwhelming amount of it.

To me, one of the greatest responsibilities of being a parent is making sure your child can live with as much independence, security, and dignity as possible, even when you’re no longer there to help them.

That’s why I don’t automatically see a decision like this as selfish. In fact, I can understand why some parents see it as an act of selflessness. Not because they don’t love their child, but because they’re thinking deeply about the quality of life that child may have and putting that consideration above their own dreams and desires.

At the same time, I want to acknowledge that I don’t actually know what I would do if I were faced with that decision myself. Maybe I would make the same choice. Maybe I wouldn’t. Real life is always more complicated than a hypothetical situation.

What I do know is that I don’t judge parents who choose differently, whether they decide to continue the pregnancy or not. These are deeply personal decisions, and I don’t believe anyone can fully understand them unless they’ve lived through them.

So when I hear stories like this, my first instinct isn’t to condemn. It’s to empathize.

Because I don’t see selfish people. I see parents wrestling with impossible questions, trying to make the best decision they can for a child they already love.

And while people may disagree on what the right choice is, I think we could all benefit from approaching these conversations with a little more compassion and a little less judgment.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

The Louvre, Abu Dhabi

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

The burden of knowing people deeply is recognizing familiar words, familiar behaviors, and familiar betrayals. Even from outside the room.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Tagal ko nagpigil sumagot sa mga tao sa threads about politics. Tagal ko nang nananahimik kasi sa totoo lang pagod na ko at wala na din naman ako sa Pilipinas at isa talaga sa mga rason na nagdecide ako ituloy yung pagbalik ko dito sa UAE ay nung natalo si VP Leni. Nakakawala na din kasi talaga ng pag-asa.

Pero today, hindi ko na natiis. May pake pa din pala ako kaya magdamag nanaman akong nakikipag sagutan at nakikipag diskusyon sa mga bobo.

Bakit kasi kayo boto ng boto sa mga katulad ni Robin at Bato?Seryoso, pano nyo pa nagagawang ipagtanggol yung mga ganung pulitiko? Di kayo nanghihinayang sa pinapasahod natin sa mga katulad nila?Harap harapan ka tayong niloloko. Nakakainit ng ulo.

Sabog nanaman tuloy yung notifications ko sa thread.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Normalize calling out performative apathy.

Hindi nakakatalino, classy, o “peaceful” ang pagiging proudly apolitical habang lahat ng bagay sa paligid mo ay political. Presyo ng pagkain, sweldo, healthcare, edukasyon, corruption, karapatan, opportunities. Lahat yan apektado ng pulitika. Kahit pilitin mong umiwas, damay ka pa rin.

Ang totoo, madaling sabihing “toxic lang yan” kapag hindi ikaw yung direktang naghihirap sa consequences ng maling policies at incompetent na leaders. Madaling maging neutral kapag komportable ka. Pero para sa maraming tao, politics is not entertainment or online drama, it's survival.

Hindi moral high ground ang disengagement. Hindi ikinaka-mature ang pagiging indifferent. Sa panahon ngayon, mas nakakahiya yung walang pakialam kaysa sa taong willing makialam at manindigan.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Naisip ko lang, namimiss ko na manood ng mga chill na gigs ng mga banda. Nung college ako dinadayo ko pa Route 196 sa Katipunan, 70s Bistro sa QC, or 12 Monkeys sa Pasig kahit taga Manila ako tapos tamang inom lang habang nanonood sa mga tumutugtog ng live. Sa mga ganun din ako naka-discover ng mga underground artists / bands. Hindi ako masyado ma-concert or music festivals nung panahon na yun (or di pa ba uso yun non?) kasi bukod sa mahal ticket, wala din naman akong oras since working student ako. Nakakamiss din talaga yung mga panahon na yun. Nakakamiss din ang Pinas dahil sa mga ganito.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

My dad called today and I couldn’t answer.

I’ve known about his other family for years. I’ve met his kids before when they were still young. But seeing them again recently as adults — seeing the life they got to have with him, the presence, the support, the stability — opened a wound I thought I had already learned to live with.

We are the first family. My mom was his first wife. I am his first born child, his first daughter. When he divorced her years ago, that’s when everything started to fall apart for us. Her health deteriorated, we struggled financially, and we had to fend for ourselves.

And the hardest part is that he wasn’t a bad father. He never hurt us when he was still with us. Even until now, he still tries to help financially when he can. That’s what makes this pain so complicated. Because I don’t hate him. I know he loves us in his own way.

But it’s impossible not to compare sometimes.

Seeing how different our lives became hurts more than I can explain. Watching his other children grow up with opportunities we never had — studying in international universities here in the UAE, living comfortably, having him there through all the important years of their lives — while we spent years struggling and trying to survive on our own.

And I envy his other daughter sometimes. My half sister. I envy the fact that one day, she’ll probably have him beside her when she gets married, walking her down the aisle and being part of that moment. Meanwhile, my own father has never even met my husband.

I envy his future grandchildren with them too, because he never even made the effort to meet my nephews.

He was there for their milestones, their celebrations, their ordinary days. And somehow, he was absent through almost every important moment in mine and my brother’s lives.

I know jealousy is seen as something ugly, but I think what I’m really feeling is grief. Grief for the childhood we didn’t get. Grief for the version of our dad we only got to watch from afar — the version we only ever got to see fully exist somewhere else. Grief for all the years we spent trying to understand why we weren’t enough to make him stay.

I don’t resent his children for having him. I just can’t stop grieving the fact that we didn’t.

And that’s the kind of grief people don’t really talk about — mourning someone who is still alive. Mourning a relationship that technically exists, but never in the way you needed it to.

It’s hard when the person who hurt you is also someone you still love. People think silence always means anger, but sometimes it just means the pain is still too fresh and you’re trying your best to hold yourself together.

So when he called today, I couldn’t answer. Because hearing his voice would’ve forced me to sit with all the versions of him I never got to have.

[bungisngislordes]

marating sana natin yung buhay na matagal na nating pinagdadasal.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

People spend so much time worrying about the unknown—about what might happen—that they overlook what’s already good in their lives. In chasing “what will be,” they lose sight of what is, taking for granted the very things they once hoped for.

[juliastory]

Cut off people once they start messing with your nervous system ☺️

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Funny how people never forget how you reacted and how you ‘hurt’ them, but conveniently forget the part where they hurt and disrespected you first. It’s easier to blame the reaction than own the cause.

[thehopefulquotes]

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”

— C.S. Lewis

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

On fangirling and Ben&Ben

Kahit nung teenager pa ako, hindi talaga ako yung type na sobrang fangirl. I mean yes, madami akong inaadmire na bands and celebrities. I looooove Paramore and Parokya ni Edgar growing up. As in kung kaya ng time at budget, gusto ko manood ng shows and concerts nila — pero hindi ko naman pinipilit. Nakikinig lang, ganun.

Pero iba talaga tama ng Ben&Ben sakin.

Minsan nga natatawa ako kasi feeling ko ang tanda ko na para mag-fangirl ng ganito. Late twenties na ako nung super nagustuhan ko sila, tapos feeling ko yung mga kasabayan ko eh puro high school students.

Nung una, naririnig ko lang sila sa mga OST ng movies and teleseryes. Tapos nung napanood ko yung Exes Baggage, gandang-ganda talaga ako sa Maybe The Night kaya napa-research ako tungkol sa kanila. Kinig-kinig lang ganun.

Tapos one time, nagbakasyon ako dito sa Dubai and nakita ko na tutugtog pala sila sa Expo. That was in 2022. Wala lang, nanood lang kami. Binitbit ko pa ate ko kahit hindi niya sila kilala. Pero grabe, dun talaga ako na-amaze.

Sobrang galing nila mag-perform. From start to finish, hindi bumababa yung energy. Hindi sila yung tipong tatamarin sa stage — ramdam mo talaga na nage-enjoy sila and nadadala ka din. Dun na talaga nagstart na mas i-follow ko sila and yung music nila.

Out of all their shows sa UAE, naka-apat na ako (kasi wala pa ako dito nung pinaka una silang pumunta). And every time, makikita mo talaga kung gaano nila ka-value yung supporters nila.

I wish I knew about them nung nasa Pinas pa ko. Siguro mas madami akong shows nila na napuntahan. Nung tumugtog sila dito sa Coca Cola Arena, talagang sinigurado ko na makakakuha ako ng front tickets. Kahit masakit sa paa kasi ang tagal nakatayo, sulit naman kasi they really give their audience the best show.

Hindi ko pa alam yung mga online communities nila noon — I didn’t even know about Discord. Kung alam ko lang sana earlier, nag-join na ako para updated ako sa mga meet and greets and hangouts nila that time. Sayang din kasi feeling ko ang dami ko pang na-miss na chances to see them up close.

Pero aside sa music nila, isa talaga sa pinaka nag-draw sakin is kung paano nila i-treat yung fans nila. Grabe sila mag-appreciate. As in makikita mo na hindi pilit. Totoo talaga.

Hindi naman nila kailangang gawin, pero nag-eeffort talaga sila mag-organize ng hangouts whenever may shows sila kahit sobrang busy ng schedule nila. Tapos sila mismo nakikipag-usap — hindi lang manager or PR. Bukod pa dun, ang active pa nila sa pagreply sa fans sa Discord, Viber, Telegram, WhatsApp — as in sila mismo.

Naalala ko nung pumunta sila dito sa Abu Dhabi for Off Limits Festival. Sobrang gahol sila sa oras kasi 3 days lang sila dito sa AUH. Same day pa ng flight nila pabalik ng Manila (tapos sa Dubai Airport pa). So understandable naman na wala talagang time for a hangout.

Pero para lang mapagbigyan yung mga AUH Liwanag, nagpost sila na anyone can come to their hotel cafe para makipag-hangout and magkape with them bago sila umalis for the airport.

Honestly, pwede naman nilang gamitin yung 2–3 hours na yun para magpahinga, lalo na late na natapos yung Off Limits the night before tapos pagod pa sila performing sa init ng UAE. Pero hindi eh, they still accommodated us.

As in hanggang sa sumakay sila ng bus pa-airport, kasama namin sila.

Nakakatuwa pa kasi talagang tine-take time nila makilala bawat isa. Nagtatanong sila tungkol sayo, sa story mo, tapos effort pa sila tandaan names ng mga tao. Nakipagkwentuhan lang sila na parang tropa. Sobrang babait talaga.

Isa pa sa pinaka inaadmire ko sa kanila is kung paano nila mahal yung bansa natin. Hindi lang sila basta musicians — they really stand for something. I really appreciated kung paano nila pinakita yung support nila kay Leni Robredo during the campaign. Ang sarap panoorin na tumutugtog sila sa rallies at talagang vocal sila sa paninindigan nila.

Mas masarap humanga sa artists kapag alam mong aligned yung morals nila sayo. Yung alam mong nasa tamang side of history sila. Hindi lang talent yung hinahangaan mo, pati values din.

Just a few weeks ago, bumalik ulit sila to perform sa Global Village, and nag-initiate na naman sila ng hangout the next day kahit free time na sana nila yun. They really make time talaga.

Hindi ako nakapunta this time, pero may mababait akong Liwanag friends na tumulong magpa-sign ng Ben&Ben tumbler ko and kumuha ng video greetings for me. Nakakatuwa pa kasi naalala pa nila ako from last year.

Deserve na deserve talaga nila kung nasan man sila ngayon. Nakaka-proud sobra kung gaano na kalayo yung narating nila.

Looking forward na makabalik ulit sila dito sa UAE soon. Sana hindi sila magbago. 🤍 Will forever be a proud Liwanag.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Natatawa ako sa sarili ko kasi pakiramdam ko teenager ulit ako na kinikilig. Yung tipong may butterflies in my stomach — and honestly, ang tagal ko nang hindi naka-feel ng ganitong level ng kilig.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband makes me happy. Pero hindi siya yung romantic type. Hindi siya mahilig sa surprises, sweet nothings, or mga cheesy na bagay. Wala nga kaming term of endearment eh. We just call each other by our first names. And okay lang naman sa’kin kasi simula pa lang ganun na talaga siya. Nakilala ko na siya that way.

He shows his love differently, in ways na alam niya. Hindi loud yung love niya, hindi siya yung tipong may flowers or mahahabang sweet messages. Pero sinisigurado niya na sinasabi niyang mahal niya ako lalo na when it matters most.

Pero syempre, minsan bilang babae, hinahanap-hanap ko rin yung ganun. Nung magkasama pa kami, hindi naman issue kasi sweet siya in his own way, especially kapag kaming dalawa lang. Physical touch talaga love language niya — hawak kamay, akbay, hugs and kisses. Kahit hindi siya madaldal, ramdam ko naman.

Pero ngayon na LDR kami, dun ko mas nami-miss yung mga ganung bagay. Minsan nagtatampo ako kapag hindi niya na-eexpress yung love niya through words, lalo na kapag hormonal ako. May times talaga na naiiyak ako kasi sobrang miss ko siya.

Kaya kahapon, nung out of nowhere, nag-message siya: “Good morning, my love.”

Na-stun ako. As in napahinto ako. Hindi ko in-expect kasi hindi naman niya ako tinatawag na ganun. Kinilabutan ako sa kilig, promise. Hahaha! It maybe a small thing for othe couple pero knowing my husband, for me malaking bagay sya. It makes me so happy.

Ang saya lang kasi nakikita ko na he's trying. Nag-open up ako sa kanya about how I feel, and I’m really thankful na nag-eeffort siya kahit alam kong hindi yun madali for him, as someone na lumaki sa hindi expressive na household. Unlike sa family namin na kahit araw araw magkasama, we say I love you a lot sa isa't - isa.

I really hope matapos na tong distance na to soon. Ang hirap din pala talaga ng magkalayo.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

Nung isang araw, nabanggit ng kapatid ko na may malaking chance na payagan siya ng company niya na lumipat dito sa Abu Dhabi. Approval na lang daw ng HR ang hinihintay.

Doon ko biglang na-realize na siguro kaya ko patuloy na pinipilit na mag-work out ang buhay ko dito sa UAE—kung bakit kinakaya ko, kung bakit sinusubukan kong buuin ulit ang sarili ko—ay dahil gusto kong makitang lumalaki ang mga pamangkin ko. Kaya ko gustong makuha dito si Chester at pati na rin ang dalawa naming aso, kasi deep inside, alam kong dito ko gustong mag-stay. Hindi lang para sa sarili ko, kundi para sa mga batang mahal na mahal ko.

Sobrang na-excite ako sa thought na hindi na lang once a month ko sila makikita. Na hindi na lang sa video call ang paraan kapag nami-miss ko sila. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko—kapag umuwi ako ng Pinas, mas marami akong mamimiss na moments. Di naman kasi sila papayagan ng kapatid ko na umuwi. Dito nga na dalawang oras lang ang layo namin sa isa’t isa, masakit na kapag matagal kaming hindi nagkikita. Paano pa kaya kung once a year, or every other year na lang? Ayokong maging long-distance tita. Gusto kong present ako sa mga milestones nila habang lumalaki sila. Kaya sobrang saya ng puso ko sa idea na tuluyan na silang lumipat dito.

Naalala ko nung magkakasama kami sa bahay sa Sharjah—may mini best friend ako. Never ako napag-isa. Kahit simpleng grocery run o errands lang, may kasama ako palagi. Mas madalas si Adam noon kasi baby pa si Aqeel. Ngayon, malalaki na sila. Kahit salitan, pwede ko na silang isama kahit saan ko gusto.

Bata pa lang ako, alam ko na sa sarili ko na gusto kong maging nanay. Ako yung may mga anak-anakan, yung ate o mother figure ng barkada nung high school. Ako rin yung may listahan na ng pangalan ng magiging anak sa notes o diary, bago pa magka-boyfriend o asawa. Mahilig talaga ako sa bata. Kaya nga dati, pangarap ko ding maging pediatrician.

Kaya nung ipinanganak ang mga pamangkin ko, parang nagbago ang mundo ko. Nag-shift ang priorities ko. Sila ang naging sentro ng puso ko. They are the closest I can have to children as of now—maybe even ever. Lagi kong sinasabi na I will give them the world if I could. Hindi man sila galing sa akin, pero minahal ko sila na parang sarili kong anak. Kasabay ako ng nanay nila sa pagpupuyat nung mga baby pa sila.

Hindi ko alam kung magkakaroon pa ako ng sarili kong anak. Isa ‘yan sa mga pinagdadasal ko. Pero with PCOS, being far away from my husband right now, at dahil na rin sa edad ko, alam kong hindi madali. Kaya sinusulit ko talaga ang pagkakataon na may mga pamangkin akong pwedeng lumaking kasama ako—na ramdam nila na andito ako, present, available.

Sana talaga matuloy na sila dito. Hindi na namin kailangang magsama sa isang bahay tulad ng dati. Naniniwala akong mas mapayapa ang lahat kapag may kanya-kanyang space. Pero yung sobrang lapit lang namin sa isa’t isa, yung may option akong makita sila araw-araw kung gusto ko, sobrang laking biyaya na nun. Isang answered prayer.

At sana rin, mag-work out ang lahat para sa akin, na madala ko na rin dito ang asawa ko, para sabay naman naming mabuo ang pamilyang matagal na naming pinapangarap and at the same time, kasama ko lahat ng mahal ko.

[fromwhisperstoscreams]

33rd.

Siguro OA lang ako. Pero para sa’kin, birthdays are special. May bigat siya. Kaya masakit kapag dumadaan lang yung araw na parang wala lang. Once a year lang naman yun eh. Isang araw lang na gusto mong maramdaman na mahalaga ka, na naalala ka talaga.

Kasi ako, I go out of my way. Kapag birthday ng mga mahal ko, iniisip ko, pinaghahandaan ko, pinaparamdam ko. Hindi dahil kailangan, kundi dahil gusto ko. Kaya minsan napapaisip ako… sobra ba yung umasa na sana ganun din sila sa’kin?

Growing up, sobrang excited ako sa birthday ko. Months before, may wish list na ako, may plano na ako. Iniisip ko kung sino yung gusto kong kasama, kung paano namin siya ise-celebrate. Gusto ko lang makasama yung mga taong mahal ko. Ngayon, parang bago pa dumating, mabigat na agad. Kasi alam mo na, pabawas nang pabawas yung makakaalala.

Masakit makita na may mga malalapit sa'yo na kayang magsulat ng mahahaba, sobrang emotional na birthday message para sa iba weeks before your birthday, pero pagdating sa'yo, wala. Kahit simpleng greeting. Parang wala namang magandang masabi tungkol sa'yo.

Isa pa, yung mga taong sobrang lapit sa’yo. Yung dati, sila pa yung unang nakakaalala. Yung mga nagpaparamdam sa’yo noon na mahalaga ka, that you're seen and remembered, lalo na sa birthday mo. Ngayon, pangalawang beses na sa magkasunod na taon na nakalimutan ka na lang.

Sila din yung mga taong dati, kayang magsulat ng mahahaba messages kung gaano ka nila kamahal tapos ngayon, isang linya na lang na parang sapat ka na lang sa ganun.

Hindi naman ako naghahanap ng grand celebrations. Hindi cake, at lalong hindi regalo. Gusto ko lang maramdaman na may lugar pa rin ako sa buhay ng mga taong 'to. I know we are all busy, pero bakit parang pag ako ok lang kalimutan? Pag ako, okay lang na hindi espesyal?

Pero kahit may kurot ng konti, thankful pa rin naman ako. Kasi may mga nakaalala. May mga nag-effort, kahit tahimik lang. May bigat yung araw, oo, but may mga sandaling pinagaan nila yung puso ko. At siguro sapat na muna yun ngayon.