Let me love you? @frytheassandthighs - Tumblr Blog

Sometimes your bad coworker will be like "I can't do anything right & I ruin everything I touch :(" and you can't even comfort them because like damn. Yeah. You really can't do anything right and you do ruin everything you touch☝️

sapropel

HE'S GETTING FIRED. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!

mevil

my beautiful wife that is scared of a closed window at night

slitherpunk

birdyaviary

moringmark

cal3ris

is this gonna get me fired you think

jovishark

some advice for people entering their 20s:

-dont go to the emergency room with dental problems. go to the dentist

-bagged greens are cheaper than pre-made salads

-taco bell is NOT worth the money anymore. 1/4 cup mayo, 1/4 cup sour cream, 3 tblspoons pickled jalapenos+2tblspoons of the jar liquid, 2 tsp paprika 1 tsp cumin 1 tsp garlic powder 1 tsp onion powder salt+pepper. all in your blender. creamy jalapeno sauce

-dont quit your job unless you have a bunch of job interviews lined up immediately after

-use resources. food bank, unemployment, housing assistance, financial aid, etc. yes there will be paperwork. but Do It

-dont stay awake longer than 20 hours. you Will start to become impulsive and cranky. resting for 20 minutes is better than trying to stay awake

-for every 2 hours you spend looking up close at screens, spend 20 minutes looking at something far away from you. stretch your wrists a lot

-dont do that yoga stretch where you roll your head around your shoulders. youre grinding down the joints in your neck

-be nice to your friends, bullying them as a joke gets old. if you need a ride somewhere at least offer them gas money

-brush your teeth at any time of the day but especially before you sleep. dont snack in bed if you can help it. make your bed the Clean Teeth Zone. keep floss picks by your bed

-dont tell your boss youre adhd/autism/depression/suicidal. dont trust your coworkers with that. you NEVER know how people will take it and its none of their business

-train your pets to go to the front door when they hear a fire alarm

-get regular oil changes

clingyduoapologist

Your friend’s unpublished fic idea is kind of a dead wife

dazzling-galaxy

i also want to read this guy’s dead wife

thatisjacob

Telekinetic battle

thesecretuncle

It’s clear who is winning

tgatbc

bigbigtruck

ngl this is the only way i can see a comic through to completion, just do it how i want rather than trying to make anybody happy

tearlessrain

what companies who sell you anti aging stuff don't want you to know is that if you're chill about aging, your perception of attractiveness changes as you get older. there is no "wall" where you suddenly become ugly and unfuckable because in my experience what actually happens is you get into your thirties and suddenly realize that people in their thirties are hot as fuck and the "flaws" that the beauty industry wants you to panic about are a feature not a bug, and based on the std statistics in nursing homes I don't really expect that trajectory to change.

paverics

“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat

paverics

comedians can only dream of writing something this funny

lumichenart

😭 Listen, they’re not tears…it’s hot lava pouring from my eyeballs okay. That’s how angry I am. 😡😫

aspacelobster-deactivated201812

birdography

The most dangerous flightless bird in Australia is sitting under a beach umbrella stealing grapes.

demi-shoggoth

It is a lovely day in Australia, and you are a horrible cassowary.

librarian-raichu

I love the reference, but calling a cassowary horrible is redundant. Like saying, “a feline cat” or, “a boneless slug.” It’s an inherent quality necessary to be a cassowary that cannot change.