Fucked-UpWork

Just a collection of ridiculous UpWork job listings... You can't make this shit up.

[fuckedupwork]

OMG! It’s like 7-year-old me got tired of making space guns out of legos (or drawing them with crayons) and decided to post to Upwork!

[fuckedupwork]

Like, why would you assume that a designer would assume that the logo was for a band or underground music label?

Maybe if you included ANY information about your business in your post, you wouldn’t have to worry about that? 

IDK, man.

[fuckedupwork]

Absolutely NO VECTORS! I don’t know if you, dear reader, are super familiar with logo design (or graphic formats, in general), so please allow me to explain a thing (those who ARE familiar, please bear with me).

Short definitions of 2 main graphic file types, raster and vector:

raster - images made up of pixels. if scaled up too much, look like crap. vector - images made up of... well... math. infinitely scalable.

So, a good, usable, adaptable logo will ALWAYS be in vector format. This poor poster obviously has very strong feelings about... something. Something that he thinks is called “vectors.” Probably he means clip art? Or abstraction? Straight lines? I don’t know.

Or maybe he just wants his logo to look like shit when it’s blown up to be a billboard; people are weird.

[fuckedupwork]

Anything His Majesty wishes.

[fuckedupwork]

If you are anything like me, gentle reader, I don’t expect that you read this entire wall of text. Seriously, people, line breaks are your friends. Paragraphs! Lists! Bullet points! Anything to provide relief from this.

Ah. Fresh air.

Some highlights:

· 40-50 high quality concepts DAILY · 24-hour turnaround per job · MAX one hour for 3 concepts (and that’s only if they’re amazeballs) · rates must be BELOW $5 US (which is lower than Upwork will even allow) · you must first complete 2 UNPAID test projects before qualifying for $5 · do not apply if your portfolio is just good; must be amazing ($5) · must be available from 9am to 6am M-F (21 hours a day; 105 hours a week)

Fuck you, Pebbled. (you have to include “Hi Pebbled” at the beginning “so they know you read the description. Ugh (pet peeve).

People like this piss me off. We want only the best, will work you to death, and will only pay you $5. Get a grip.

[fuckedupwork]

1. Textual diarrhea - brevity is the soul of wit. if you’re going to vomit up all your half-baked thoughts, at least employ a line break every once in a while. 2. I don’t think you have any idea what a logo is or what makes for a good logo. 3. Seriously. This is an illustration that you’re describing. 4. Learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

My favorite part is how it takes half of the wall of text before he (it’s totally a dude-bro, guys. You know this.) even gets to the part that could (if simplified) maybe qualify as being a logo. Get a grip, bro.

[fuckedupwork]

Isn’t that the name of that short-lived Julia Louis-Dreyfus show? You know the one before Veep?

How you gonna fit that on a pole?

[fuckedupwork]

Work all my work instantly! Automatically, in a second! Like you’re just an extension of my thoughts... but magic! And graphics!

Also, “graphicS designer” is one of my pet peeves.  See also: when people call the Shakespeare play A Midsummer’s Night Dream

[fuckedupwork]

Rørlegger Kåven AS

GK

Rørlegger Kåven AS? or Gøglerreg Kåven AS? (see, I replaced the Rs with Gs... all of them... so the monogram would make sense... because otherwise it should be GK, you know?)

[fuckedupwork]

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing something, or like the job posting was lifted sans context from a longer internal discussion.

[fuckedupwork]

Finally, someone has the courage to speak the truth... guys, he just wants his website to be even more appalling.

[fuckedupwork]

You need photoshop for: getting admission in schools & colleges

to ration cards

passports

applications for different jobs,

savouring memories

identity cards of various institutions

application for bank loan

selling/purchasing and registering vehicles

I don’t think that’s true.

[fuckedupwork]

1. Creativity is not measured by dots per inch. 2. What’s that old saying? You get what you pay f—$10.00 budget $10.00 budget $10.00

Seriously. 

[fuckedupwork]

The delicious irony of this. “...diagrams for a SELF-HELP book I’m writing. They’re simple but I don’t have time to figure out how to do it mySELF.”

[fuckedupwork]

Nothing to make fun of here, people. Move along.

What, you’ve never seen a test job to design a cool panda before?

[fuckedupwork]

“...vintage look... ninja chicken...” Yeah, those retro ninja chickens that are all the rage in *looks back at top* the rental industry.

[fuckedupwork]

So... you want an urban, southern Jessica Rabbit/Betty Boop hybrid with sapphires for eyes and Libra scales for pupils? How very cliché.