June | 21+

Personal BPD Diary

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

Introductions

Hi, I'm June and I'm 21+. I use She/Fleur/bunself pronouns. If you're here to start discourse on my identity, kindly gtfo

I have a fp. They're my life partner. I will never tag them or reveal their name. They'll only be referred to as "fp" or "my girlfriend".

I have since been diagnosed since making this blog, lol. I have been in therapy for a total of over 10 years, but recently the last couple of years has been a major focus on my BPD and other crippling disorders from my trauma. I'm disabled, physically and mentally.

Fun fact! My username comes from the song "HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON'T" by FOB

Feel free to shoot a msg in my dms

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

WDYM I don't qualify for SNAP despite after my bills and with the cost of living so high I have maybe 100$/week for groceries and essentials and everything else?

[borderlineremindersbook]

At the core, communication struggles in BPD aren’t about being manipulative or dramatic. They are about longing. Longing to be heard, longing to be loved without conditions, longing to not feel like too much.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

By the time they read this, it's probably too late. I've been lying through my teeth. I don't know if tomorrow will be fine, but I lie and say it will be because even you agree to us be ashamed. I'm compacting myself and my issues because of what I did last Friday. I'm not letting tomorrow be about me at all. I won't be able to regress tomorrow for a play date, I'm planning on just taking care of you.

I'll probably just go to bed asap

I'm not letting tomorrow be about me at all, I don't deserve it

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I feel so guilty. They're having dinner and I want to kill myself. I'm screaming in the hot car and sobbing. I want to die and slice open my skin, and I won't say a word because I can't, I don't want to, ruin dinner. I already have to some extent.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

Sobbing in the bathroom of the restaurant my girlfriend wanted for her birthday. Got triggered on the car ride over, it won't go away. I'm just crashing out. I want to hurt myself so bad and throw up and jump off a cliff. I hate how I ruined my girlfriend's birthday because gd is cruel and we were born close together. She's worrying instead of celebrating. I just make it worse. I wanna die.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I know telling them they can't do anything upsets them. I know they want to. I know it mades them genuinely upset for me. I don't want this for the rest of my life but it feels like I have no choice. I don't want to tell them no but I have to. I have to suffer and be miserable alone that day to save them from myself.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

At least because I'm so mentally ill my partners are saving money and effort and time. My wife wants to spoil me and even feels guilty she can't spend as much as I did on her (I can't help myself ^^;; she deserves those expensive earrings) but I just. I can't handle it. I can't be spoiled.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

Why can't I be normal? Why couldn't I have been a kid? Why couldn't I have been a normal kid?

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I'm glad I've realized, through therapy, my parents are bigots and never deserved kids. I've realized I wasn't taught any proper responses. That's great and all but like... What am I supposed to do?

When it comes to gifts I either throw a fit and beg to be ignored but when I am ignored I'm then suddenly unloved and people don't care about me, but if they do try something it's somehow never good enough

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

My one partner promised to give me 100$ for my birthday (as we've established I'm not good at recieving gifts). The thought alone makes me nauseous and I'd want to shred the bill like an ungrateful child because as my BPD views it as "hopefully they'll take the hint."

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I'm going to see MCR next month, live. It's exciting, I've never been to a concert before. I'm proposing to my girlfriend then. I should be excited for the first vacation I'm planning and paying for, but my BPD is starting to do it's thing as anxiety rises with the dates approaching.

It's telling me such awful things, that we're doing it just for my gf and I'll be in the background and I'm just tagging along, none of this is for me it's just a trip for her. I hate it, because I'll believe it in an episode. It turns me against everyone around me. I know it's not true, and it's up to me to either grovel and suffer on the trip or enjoy myself, but I have to spend the next 3-4 weeks fighting this demon. I'm tired

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

My birthday is coming up, it's next week. It's a major trauma holiday to me along with a lot of trauma in general over the holiday (thanks mom & dad).

I can't handle presents. Receiving, anyway. I LOVE gifting and showing affection, but once it's turned on me I spiral. My parents held gifts over my head. It was never a "gift", it was a tool used to try and make me shut up, to make me give up and grovel at my parents' feet. My "gifts" were necessities like clothes, and they often didn't fit. My mother would steal them, because they would fit her, and would not even offer to get me replacements.

So now, when someone I love wants to gift me something, I freak out. I struggle to say what k want because "well I don't need this" and suddenly I don't want the hundreds of things I have on my birthday/gifting list I add and take off from all year round. And then my BPD sinks it's claws into me and says it's not good enough or it's impersonal or it's- you get the point. Because I expect to be disrespected and discarded. It's hard because sometimes gifts from others are also not as expected, but these people are doing it in good faith and don't know me. It's so hard.

I wish I could have gifts. I ruined it all for my anniversary. First I threw a fit and told my gf to just not do anything, but then of course I felt left out. We tried doing a service, so it's not a physical object I can freak out over, but I then had a meltdown in the parking lot and had to cancel. I'm dumbfounded. I've been trying to work on this since May with my therapist, but my original one couldn't keep me anymore. She moved. My new one isn't as helpful, but she's also still learning about me.

Why is it all such a struggle?

[yuumei-art]

What it Takes to Forget If memories were ink If these pages could think Then I would burn it all Then I would rather fall

-Part of my Wings of Pages series

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

My BPD is so isolating. I want to make more friends, but I'm scared of gaining a new FP. My wife is my FP and always will be my main, but that attention from someone new is a drug, and it's addictive.

Don't get me wrong, I have a small group of friends, but I feel like I can't venture out on my own, and discover people by myself. I feel like I have to have everything vetted for my own safety.

It doesn't help I'm so much easier to take advantage of, I'm walking on eggshells...

[fleebites]

fight / flight / fawn

[yourstorai]

probably needed a hug but instead distanced myself from everyone