We cannot bring back the past. What’s done is done and, they say, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. However, I’m surprised at how a single word can make an impact and change the way I see a part of my past.
Three years ago, I almost dated this guy whom I also was supposed to date back in college. Suppose to date in college because I liked him, but I was in a relationship and I didn’t want to cheat so I told him “we” cannot happen (long story, but click this LINK for what happened three years ago).
SORRY.
He told me he was sorry for what happened three years ago:
“I know it’s too late. Alam ko din masaya ka na sa buhay mo (I know you’re already happy with your life). I just want to say I’m sorry. Yun lang (that’s all).
I know it’s a pretty short sorry, but I just appreciated the fact that he didn’t come up with any excuses and just owned up to his mistakes. He continued on saying:
“Madaming nangyari sa buhay ko (So much has happened in my life). I’ve been to hell and back. Pero I’m just happy na nagkita tayo ulit noon (But I’m just happy that we saw each other again a few years back). Siguro mali lang yung pagkakataon and naduwag ako (Maybe the timing wasn’t just right and I got scared). But that’s the past. Masaya ako na masaya ka na din (I’m glad that you’re finally happy now). Kasi alam ko noon pa man nung college pa tayo, yan yung hinahanap mo. Malas nga lang hindi ako yung nakapagbigay ng kasiyahan na ‘yon. (Because I know that ever since we were in college, that that’s what you’re looking for. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t the one who gave you that happiness.)”
When my ex and I (the person I was dating when he asked me out) broke up, he kind of popped in my mind. Would things be better if I chose him from the very beginning? But timing is shitty. Even when we were given a second chance, it turns out that “we” can never really happen. Is it God’s way of keeping us from being a bigger disaster? I don’t know. It’s fun to think about what could have been as long as you won’t obsess over it. In the end, I just told him, that everything works out for the best. I’m happy with where I am right now and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m just glad that the “hate” I had for him is now gone and although I wouldn’t want to be friends, at least I know we’re cool now.
Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine about a girl he used to go out with. The girl ended the relationship and as much as he does like the girl a lot, he was okay with letting the girl go... However, girly here still believes my friend cannot move on and that he has made her his world instead of just being a part of it. Whoah.
This has got me thinking... What does a woman’s overthinking and over projecting cost her? How much would it affect her (and other people’s) life?
A few months back, a girl friend of mine was having a “guy” problem. Apparently, she thinks that this guy who has been extra nice to her, likes her. She got so frustrated with how he is so vague about things so girl friends to the rescue, yes? Our other friends assessed the situation and came up with the conclusion that he likes her but the “buts” are stopping him. Too shy to approach her because she’s really beautiful, not yet ready for anything serious, blah, blah, blah. They even went as far as maybe the girl that the guy has been talking about a lot whom he likes was just made up to make my friend jealous. Wow, where did that come from?
As much as being sensitive SOMETIMES helps, I can’t help but think about how much trouble our being too sensitive gives us.
Case #1: I Think He Likes Me
Obviously, my friend hasn’t seen “He’s Just Not That Into You” yet. This movie may be a work of fiction, but it has some truth in it. Ever since we were little, we have been told that if a guy hurts us, it’s because he loves us too much. I don’t know how that idea came out so don’t ask me. Some women tend to come up with so many utterly ridiculous reasons why “he doesn’t text/call back,” “why he can’t schedule the next date,” “why he talks about another girl in front of you,” and all that means he likes you but he just doesn’t want to admit it.
While there have been dating urban legends going around about how this already happened to a friend of a friend who knows a girl somewhere we’re just not sure where, spare yourself from all that trouble and just look at things as it is. If he never said he likes you, can we accept the possible fact that it’s maybe because he doesn’t like you? And if you cannot live with that, maybe it’s about time that you get the courage to ask what’s really the score between the two of you.
Through my years of being single, I would proudly say that I’ve confessed to a guy a lot of times, have been reciprocated and have also been rejected. At least I never had what-ifs because I decided to take charge. The idea of waiting for a man to confess his undying love and affection for me just isn’t my cup of tea. Yes, you may get hurt, but trust me... It’s better this way than continue dreaming without really doing anything.
Case #2: He Still Loves Me
Under this category, there will be two sub projections that will be discussed. The first one is when (1) you still think you two will get back together and the other one is when (2) you brag about how he is so not over you but you’re already moving on to the next. Either way, you’re the one who’s not over things.
After a break-up, it’s totally okay to take your time and just be on your own. You are never required to hop back in and hump new men every week (but if it’s your thing, then so be it). What’s not healthy though is when you keep obsessing with the idea that he will still want you back. Again, I’m not saying he ultimately will not, but when your world stops and you suddenly find yourself changing who you are just to get him back in your life, that’s when you know it’s no longer right and healthy for you. Focus on more important things in your life like your career or pursuing your passion. If he comes back and you’re still in love, maybe you can give it another shot; but for now, if he says it’s done, don’t give him that puppy face begging him to take you back. Give him his space and freedom. Trust me, you’ll also need that space and freedom to grow.
The second kind, however, is a different thing. You do not want him back, but you like the idea that he is still head over heels for you. But is he really? With the story of my friend, he told me that he still cares for the girl because she was there when he needed someone the most; but it doesn’t mean he wants her back now that they’re done. Apparently, little miss desirable over here also loves posting about this idea very tastefully on her social media. And you got to admit it... It makes her look beautiful and desirable.
Here’s the thing, don’t ruin the remaining love and care a man has for you by projecting things which he did not even clearly say. Sometimes, caring for an ex doesn’t mean he or she wants you back. It could simply mean that he or she appreciates the relationship you had and as much as you two will never be the best of friends, at least he or she knows you’ve ended things well. Do not ruin that.
One might say, “but it’s a woman’s intuition;” but I will respond with, “have we not learned enough?” Sometimes it’s better to know things straight from the horse’s mouth than create a totally different scene up in your head. It could lead to more frustrations and heartaches that way. Trust me, I’ve been down that road, I’ve had my share of what-ifs, and I’m never letting myself be consumed by over projecting things ever again.
I was in bed with my gay best friend and we were so in love. We talked about life, love, our experiences, and many other things.
I guess that dream is probably caused by the latest article I read about Joey Mead-King and her now transgender husband. Even though the husband already came out, they still stayed together because they’re still in love. Love wins, people. Love wins.
After waking up, I did find the dream weird. Why did I suddenly dream of being in bed with my gay best friend? After assessing what could have caused it, I just smiled. If you’ve been reading this Tumblr blog, you probably already know I’m not straight and even though I’m in a heterosexual relationship, the fact that I do not see gender as a hindrance in being attracted and falling in love with someone (as my previous serious relationship was with a girl for three years), is a clear indication of how much I appreciate, respect, and admire the relationship that Joey has with her husband.
Oh and my gay best friend’s birthday is coming soon! So that could be another thing. I should get him something...
So I’ll start this new series in my Tumblr blog where I’d keep a record of all the dream’s I will have which I will be able to remember. I would like to keep track of them so let me just blog about it:
I married this guy which wasn’t even my fiance. I can’t remember how he looks like exactly but I believe it kind of changes depending on the situation. At first it felt like he look average. We move in to a big room inside a new house my family just bought. Our room could already pass as a small house so we were planning on treating it that way. And then we saw a part in the room where there used to be a door but it was covered with black garbage bag. When I opened it, I realized we were on the second floor and so we decided to cover it with black garbage bag again.
A night has passed then I woke up (in the dream of course) and saw my family watching TV. I was walking around thinking, “shouldn’t I be marrying a different guy?” Then it hit me...
EDGAR! Where is Edgar? (FYI, Edgar is the name of my real life fiance).
I checked my Facebook and saw Edgar’s cover photo and it says, “You Quit.” I ran outside of the house and started looking for him. I saw him, ran after him but he was walking away and I couldn’t keep up. And then I saw my husband... He now looks kind of like Vice Ganda (a Filipino comedian) and was wondering why I was chasing someone else. Once he figured out that I finally recognized Edgar, his face and figure changed into a scary looking girl in a dress (think of the girl in The Orphan). I stopped in the middle of the street and Edgar finally saw me... But he was just standing there looking at me weirdly.
I threatened to kill myself if my husband moves closer but he still did so I threw myself to an approaching vehicle and I fell down. I thought I was dead. My husband quickly grabbed my ATM card and withdrew 6,000 Pesos from my account but Edgar saw him and stopped him. Edgar took the cash back and carried me. We went back to my house, gave the cash to my mom, and he had this sad look on his face while carrying me.
I told myself, how can I be dead and still know all these things? So I tried opening my eyes, struggled for awhile but was successful in the end. I looked Edgar in the eye and while he was holding me in his arms I told him, “let’s run away...”
The blinding lights The loud music It was an escape For you For me. You held my hand You looked me in the eye We run away Just you And just me. Leaving it all behind Keep moving forward 'Tis what's best Says you To me. Because what matters Is that we have each other No holding back You. Me.
I don’t owe you anything and you don’t owe me anything so I guess that means things are better this way... For us not to see nor interact with each other ever again. To be honest, we do not directly have a fault in what happened but we both learned lessons along the way.
As much as I’ve forgiven and moved on, it is only now that I can truly say that I have finally let go. There were moments before when I’d still feel insecure about things and what I did to initially get over them was to prove to myself how I’m so much better in all the most logical aspects... It was a bad decision to compare. I do not need to make myself the better person. I learned that I just needed to accept the fact that you will be part of my past and you are not worth my time anymore.
I also learned that it’s okay not to be and not to look okay. I have a partner who is willing to walk me through all of it and I have friends who know how to understand and respect my decisions. That, for me, is all that matters right now.
I have also learned how despite of everything I’ve been through, I still have that ability to judge and look down at a person easily. I kept reminding myself, “you know how it feels, you’ve been there!” And I’m glad that instead of looking down, I am choosing to just look away. I shouldn’t care about the things that do not matter to me anyway. It’s none of my business.
I guess no matter how much we go through in life, there would still be brand new challenges to face which we will never expect in a million years. We might get hurt and it’s totally okay because we will learn from them anyway. And as Dory would say it, “just keep swimming...”
It’s been two or three years (I think) since I told you that I can no longer be in the kind of set-up you wants us to be in. I liked you and I was almost falling for you but you wanted to keep the relationship a secret because you said your parents think you’re too young to be in a serious relationship. At first I didn’t mind, but when I started falling in love with you I know I should not settle to that kind of arrangement.
You only text me when you feel bored and I seriously felt like shit when we were still dating. You make efforts when you want to hang out and drink with your friends, but never to see me even though you said you missed me. You publicly flirt with other girls and call them pretty, but I’m supposed to be hidden and never to be known by anyone in your life. And then one night, you just told me you don’t want to date me anymore. You told me we were not looking for the same thing; that I was too serious and you were too young for what I wanted.
Bullshit.
And then I started dating someone else and you suddenly sent me a message telling me you’re feeling jealous. You said you wanted me back. I said no.
And then I committed to him and you sent me another message telling me you’re sorry for what you did before and that you still want me back. I said no. You said, “I’m ready to be in a serious relationship now.” I said, “Good for the next girl then.” You said, “I love you.” I said, “Sorry. I liked you.” With so much emphasis on the liked as a past tense.
And then I got engaged to him and you contacted me again. You said, “I don’t want a life without you;” but we both know it’s all too late.
It’s not that I can’t go out with you because I can if I’d want to; but I don’t want to. It’s not just because I’m not interested anymore but also because I cannot see myself with anyone else but him.
You missed your chance and it’s not my fault. I didn’t have any regrets because there was never a time that I held back when I was with you. It just came to the point that I finally realized you were not treating me well and I did not deserve to feel like shit.
I hope by now you finally get to figure out that whatever you do and no matter how many times you call me again, or tell me you love me and shit, we are never ever getting back together.
Have a great life!
Photo: Screenshot from Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” music video
A long and lasting relationship isn't a walk in the park. You work hard for it, you will get hurt at times, but you will both come out stronger, wiser, and feeling more sure of each other.
He is the brightest star, Who lights up my darkest night. He knows how to make things work, When things don't feel right. He still falls down at times But he never forgets; That at the end of it all, I am the only one he will ever need, He will ever love, And he will ever want to be with For the rest of his life.
