Found this post that has a lot of great examples of how transmisogyny theory is used to launder trans-identifying men's hatred for trans-identifying women "and other queers." I've chopped the post up into 6 segments, all of them otherwise intact, and I've tagged the correct order.
tbh i think while cis men can absolutely be transmisogynistic and are the ones carrying out probably practically all transmisogynistic murders, (1/6)
ROM1: women (TIFs) are responsible for things men do. Off to a great start with acknowledging what we've all been saying: men who don't identify as trans carry out "probably practically all" murders of men who do.
trans men and other queers are economically and socially reliant on transmisogyny in a way cis men absolutely aren't. a cis man can basically just decide not to be transmisogynistic even if he's a shitbag otherwise. (2/6)
This conflicts with transmisogyny theory on gender identity. A cis man cannot decide to not be transmisogynistic because the existence of male identity relies on the subordination of femaleness and revulsion against "womanhood" (TRA definition) in males, per a transfeminist definition of the concept. You can read Faggotization and the Extant Gender Ternary for a primer on that. So how can any "man" (TRA definition) choose to not be transmisogynist?
but like. there's a whole queer economy that revolves around transmisogyny and which is extremely easy to avoid if you are a cishet man (3/6)
And this same cishet man (notice the exclusion of cis gay men) participates in what transfeminists consider a deeply transmisogynist society where transmisogyny pervades all media. Men can avoid sin but TI women are mired in it by association with and proximity to TI men.
the cis men killing trans women on the side of the road are not normal well adjusted people who are socially rewarded for that. while the people making dfab only apartheid houses on the other hand, writing call-out posts and mass reporting, their whole economy revolves around it. (5/6)
ROM2: Women saying "no" to men is a hate-crime. ROM12: Women's ability to recognize (TI-)male behaviour patterns is misandry/transmisogyny.
Writing a call-out post is considered evil by TIMs because, if believed, the men involved get excluded from the community. Likewise with female-only housing; it's wrong because it excludes TIMs. When TIMs are excluded, we are to believe they are at risk of dying. Boundaries are conflated with death.
"Their whole economy revolves around it" is rhetoric that tells us women gaining anything is bad. When women can set boundaries, they gain safety. When women have autonomy, they gain freedom. This is considered a really bad thing.
i also think that while cis men are the ones pulling off a lot of the direct force violence murders cis men are absolutely not the ones doing the public unpersoning campaigns to force trans women onto the streets. (4/6)
See, we have the conflation here. Women setting boundaries is forcing men onto the streets. Women are responsible for what men do. Preying on empathy.
so when we ask why are trans women so disproportionaltely vulnerable to bottom percentile cis men who murder people the answer is not really cis men (6/6)
These people think women saying "no" is worse than being murdered. Women are not responsible for men murdering each other.
Protect trans kids. But please, dont investigate what happens in childrens gender clinics. Please dont do any research on puberty blockers. And please, dont why the numbers of trans identified youth skyrocketed over the last past years. We don't really need to know why some people regret transistion, so don't tell the trans kids detransitioners exist. Don't let them hear those stories, don't do any research on why they thought they where trans but regret it now. Protect trans kids by never challenging their claims, never be cautious when you see homophobic parents who clearly show signs of transhausen by proxy. Don't be alarmed when doctors from a childrens hospital talk about how puberty blockers ata certain age will render them unable to orgasm. Just hand out puberty blockers and hormones and send them off to surgery, but please don't ask why, don't ask if this is safe, don't ask what will happen in 10, 20 or more years, because, they are so vulnerable, we need to protect them.
They definitely have the charismatic leader(s) thing, it's transwomen in general. Their voices are obeyed above all others, they are always exalted in "queer" group dynamics, they're excessively fawned over and doted on by the in-group, they have mantras proliferated and chanted for them, criticism of them is forbidden, they can virtually do no wrong, patterns of their abuse/harm are constantly covered up and excused, they have all the grandiosity, control of information, they're given credit for huge achievements they didn't actually achieve to the point of mythology (ie the Stonewall myth "we owe them our rights"), they're allowed to rewrite history, naysayers are threatened, dogpiled, attacked etc
the fact that some people are actually responding to this with "oh wow misogyny is so bad that you feel suicidal? maybe you're actually trans!" AND pretending to be saying that in good faith is wild
The idea that "normal women" love being oppressed and dehumanized so if a woman feels suicidal over it that must mean she's not a woman at all is so deeply regressive and misogynistic in of itself it is genuinely baffling.
I cannot believe genderists actually regurgitate such a thing unironically and proudly without a single ounce of self awareness.
And of course when the woman they encouraged to ID as trans (to escape oppression) ends up desisting or detransitioning, suddenly it's all her fault (even though genderists told her women love being oppressed so hating that oppression means she isn't a woman) and she needs to take accountability (even though genderists tell other trans identified people to interfere with the very process of diagnosis meant to ascertain who would benefit most from these generally irreversible cosmetic procedures via lying to doctors and therapists because doctors and therapists are "transphobic")
All of us are just supposed to shut off our critical thinking and ignore how they just told a member of an oppressed class that being suicidal over sociey-wide dehumanization, being the sex who is not only most likely to be raped and abused but also make up the most victims, the sex that had to fight to be able to vote and get an education, the sex that can't show her bare chest (but males can), the sex whose natural and unaltered state with body hair in of itself is considered obscene (but not for males); must mean she's not a actually a member of said oppressed class.
An oppressed person feeling suicidal over oppression? Preposterous! Oppressed people love being oppressed, didn't you know? (And don't you dare look into how this logic is only applied to females and no other oppressed group.)
I think a clear difference between âtrans feminismâ and actual feminism. âTrans feministsâ highlight demonization and supposed false accusations of rape and pedophilia. Actual feminists recognize that a community that encourages accusations to go ignored or disbelieved immediately is suspect for abuse. Iâve been doing some light reading, both on actual feminist reading, and the faux feminism from primarily MTFs. While Iâm making my way through text heavier reading on feminism, I saw Tara Knightâs article. âGroup Dynamics, Conflict and Fascism : The Psychology Of Why Everyone Loves To Hurt A Tranâ
Immediately my mind went to Kitty Robinsonâs âOn Hurting Trans Womenâ This is an analysis of Knightâs article, and near the end how I believe Robinson explains why articles like this exist in the first place.
Knight digs into rumors and reputation, he goes in great depth on how what people say about him on social media could literally kill him or someone else. Iâd like to take a moment to note, his ex girlfriend and a former roommate have both publicly accused him of being abusive. And for someone that believes his reputation on Tumblr means his survival, he is quite comfortable posting pics of himself in a diaper and sexualizing young biological women.
To summarize his article, âcommunity fascismâ involves policing and monitoring, particularly trans women. It works by having a âcollaboratorâ in the community that watches trans women, to find an excuse, a rumor, any reason to socially exile them. The term âsocial executionâ is used. Reputation is a form of survival and having your reputation slandered revokes your access to basic needs. The reason the collaborator socially âexecutesâ the trans woman is because she (Knight refers to the collaborator as a woman) was trained to do that from a young age on top of sexual repression.
âSecond, reputation control. When you cannot access safety through formal institutions, your reputation becomes a survival tool. The regime weaponizes that. It turns reputation into currency, then centralizes the mint, then starts counterfeiting moral accusations to seize peopleâs accounts.â
For someone who is greatly concerned with his social reputation and claims false accusations are a large threat to his livelihood, it is curious some of the things we can find freely on his public blog, other than just the diapers.
Sexual misogynistic language used below
Knight talks extensively about having to apologize. What is he apologizing for? Who is falsely accusing him? The answer is âThe community is making me apologize for being a trans woman and socially murdering me because of fascism.â And thatâs really the only answers he gives. On his blog, he also blames his NPD as for why people hate him, admitted to hurting his friends, and telling someone else to die. In his article, he speaks in theory with no concrete examples of whatever the hell it is he is saying. Who is accusing you of what? Who are these clearly vague post statements about? Why are you being labeled as a manipulative narcissist? Heâll say itâs because heâs a proud transfeminist. The language the article uses is meant to evoke strong emotions, and is rather self aggrandizing.
He has been accused of using AI before, and whether thatâs true or not, the prose is rather similar to what Iâve seen of peopleâs conversations with ChatGPT. ChatGPT and other AIs are programmed off of how we speak, so while it can be like holding up a mirror, the thing the AI does that we donât is, well, like this line from the article, âIf you reject that legacy, youâre not being anti-intellectual. Youâre being awake.â âItâs not X, itâs Y, plus ego strokeâ is a format youâll see often in AI, Knight also uses it rather often, and while it is possible , I think that might not be evidence as possible AI usage, rather, his method of reaching to his audience, I suspect the language is intentional.
Now about the âsocial murderâ of transgender women.
âLetâs talk about what this thing does in the real world, because Iâm tired of people acting like itâs âsocial media dramaâ or âjust feelingsâ or âjust interpersonal conflict.â Community fascism is a regime. And Regimes have levers. Levers move bodies. Levers move money. Levers decide who eats, who sleeps indoors, who gets to keep their hormones, who gets to keep a job, who gets to keep a ride to the clinic, who gets to keep a roof without a landlord suddenly âchanging their mind.â It runs on a simple trick: make a trans-feminized person socially radioactive, then pretend the suffering that follows is âconsequenceâ instead of a coordinated deprivation of basic life supports.â
âSo when someone says âcommunity,â what they usually mean is a messy web of dependencies and favors and unspoken debts, and that web can keep you alive or kill you slowly. In that environment, the collaborator is born: the person who realizes they can purchase stability by becoming the moral accountant, the rumor courier, the unofficial cop. They donât need a badge. They have access. They have standing. They have the power to say âI heard something,â and watch doors close.⊠Their âweâll hold you accountableâ is an opening bid to occupy you. They want you exhausted, apologizing, available, legible, controllable. They want you to surrender leverage. They want you to agree, publicly, that they have the right to manage your life. Then they can widen the list of demands whenever itâs convenient, because the real win was never your growth. The win was your submission.
âLots of implication. Lots of âI canât say more.â Lots of âweâre just trying to keep people safeâ while they spread the kind of social contagion that makes people unemployable, homeless, uninsured, and isolated.â
Knightâs theory puts one between a rock and a hard place as a way to enforce silence. By equating speaking out, listening to people who come forward about an abuse, is to deprive trans women of basic needs and be a fascist. To be a good ally, your hands are tied. Any public criticism is an attempt at social murder. You have to choose. The obvious glaring flaw with this is heâs continuously beating around what heâs getting at. Who is trying to hold him accountable? What has he been accused of? Of course he leaves all of that information out of this article and itâs all incredibly vague. Thereâs this mysterious collaborator trying to conspire against him for social benefit and gain and trying to control his life, in the name of moral purity, and this is a challenge all âtransfeminizedâ people face. However knowing the social controversy surrounding him of other MTFs and a woman claiming him to be abusive, you have an idea of what heâs talking about.
So why are people âbeing meanâ to him? He says, with his source being Wilhelm Reich, is in part due to sexual repression.
âHe names the social machinery that helps do that production: the authoritarian family and the church, plus the broader enforcement of âsexual repressionâ as social discipline. He even points to the way organized mysticism hooks the masses by feeding off unsatisfied erotic longing. That is not a vibe. That is a material method. That is a factory line for obedienceâŠ. Itâs trained into people from childhood. Reich lays it out: moral inhibition of a natural sexuality produces adults who become âafraid⊠fearful of authority, obedient, âgoodâ, and âdocileâ,â with rebellion crippled by fear and a general inhibition of critical thought; the family becomes âthe authoritarian state in miniature,â a factory reproducing the stateâs structure inside your nerves.â
For thousands of years, women and girls have been subject to male violence. Knight claims âfalse accusationsâ and people that are âjust trying to keep the community safeâ are born from sexual repression and indoctrinated into being fascists. What often is more likely the case is the fact that often, a victim of abuse or sexual violence cannot come forward, and when legal action is pursued, the vast majority of cases end with no conviction, the rapist/abuser walks free. Weâve had to rely on each other to spread the word of male violence. This is what caused the intense emotional reaction from men when âMe tooâ arose and all of these rich and powerful men had to face public accusations. Women may not have been able to enforce legal consequences against their abusers, but they could speak. They could compare experiences. They could warn each other, whether it be a powerful rich man or not. Many men cried slander, lamented fears of being falsely accused, of having their lives permanently ruined by these accusations, of not being hired anymore or that theyâd be put on a registry.
However he has a different idea as to why his imaginary âcollaboratorâ exists.
âSomebody raised in conditional love starts reproducing conditional love everywhere, then calls it âmaturity.â Thatâs the psychological bridge between internalized authority and community fascism. The collaborator isnât only calculating. Sheâs often reenacting. Sheâs attaching to a moral order the way a frightened child attaches to a strict parent, because strictness feels like safety when your nervous system was built inside threat.â
This gives us some more insight on how Knight views women. As I said, in his mind, this collaborator is a woman. More specifically, a sexually repressed woman attaching to moral order âlike a frightened childâ attaching to a strict parent. But also like many transfems, he demands unconditional love and support from a woman, as seen by his statement âw(h)ere the cis girls offering me some emotional support in DMs?â And also âwhere da bitches atâ in that one note. As well as the last bit of this passage
âOur lives are materially exposed. Housing is fragile. Employment is fragile. Access to hormones, surgeons, transport, food, couches, rent money, rides to appointments, a spare room for a week, a job lead, a landlord who wonât freak out, a client base that doesnât turn into a mob overnight, a clinic that doesnât play games, a friend who will spot you groceries, a girlfriend who will still answer the phone when youâre spiraling.â
As female people, the transfem community constantly, aggressively even, will demand emotional labor from us.
This is where I had Kitty Robinson in mind, on both Knightâs desire for a woman to comfort him, and his claim that accusations against trans women are born from fascism and hurt trans women.
âI will not deny I cause trans women emotional pain. Let me give you an example: a few years ago, when it was uncovered that a celebrity trans woman who is very active in youth organizing is a serial rapist, there was a large push from a few women for their victimâs testimony to gain traction. This âtrans iconâ is at large in a city that is very trans & queer friendly. Due to their celebrity status, they have a large amount of victims to pick from. They prefer transmasculine & trans men victims, that is to say, female trans people. A leftist trans woman with a large audience who lived in the same area as the serial rapist was approached about spreading the word about this active predator. They did momentarily, but then deleted the information as they decided the information had been posted by a TERF.â
⊠âThe next day, my messages were full of angry people demanding I stop harassing trans women. I checked the leftistâs trans womanâs blog and they had written at length about how intensely dysphoric and suicidal interactions like this made them, and how in particular discussions about male violence from trans women made them feel like a disgusting monster who would never be a real woman or fit in. My anger hurt this trans woman deeply. They were suffering.â
On a personal note, as female people, we are their therapists. Their crisis counselors. âTransfeministâ ideology demands that we center their feelings before we acknowledge ours. That we always love them, that weâll always answer the phone, that we be the perfect good allies. This re-contextualizes Knightâs line, âSomebody raised in conditional love starts reproducing conditional love everywhere, then calls it âmaturity.ââ In my relationship with a trans girl when I was sixteen years old up until recently, for the entire three year relationship, my personal issues took a backseat. I was a shoulder to cry on, while I often cried alone because I had a partner that did not want to listen to me when I was sad. After having her head slammed three times, Kitty Robinsonâs first act was to comfort her abuser.
Knight is unlikely any different. That is to say, if you were to enter a romantic relationship to this man, youâd be with a man that spent all of his time online while wearing a diaper for sexual reasons and showing it off, as well as being financially and emotionally responsible for him. A manchild. His idea of unconditional love is that a woman is always available to perform emotional labor for him. If not, then clearly you just werenât unconditionally loved enough as a child. Keep in mind this is someone that hears the word âaccountabilityâ and believes youâre trying to control him and make him submissive and obedient.
Unlike what Knight theorizes of gaining social benefit for naming a serial rapist in the community, Robinson faced heavy harassment. Having read through her other book, âYou Told Me You Were Differentâ, victims of male violence from MTFs are often left confused and socially isolated.
âTrans ideology said: these male people are not men. They are just like you. If you think of or treat these people as men (or male), you are actively contributing to the oppression, suicide, and murder of the most vulnerable women alive, trans women. By the way, this includes thinking of any of their (male-patterned) behavior as male, being uncomfortable in any way, or not immediately and enthusiastically including them in your lesbian sexuality. I took it to heart, and thatâs how I ended up in that hot car, stroking my trans girlfriendâs long hair, knowing that this couldnât be a truly abusive situation, because the power dynamics between a dfab trans person and a trans woman wouldnât allow it.â
You have to give transgender women infinite patience. Infinite grace. Infinite and unconditional love. As many chances as possible. Theyâre going through a lot, donât abandon them. You have to be the perfect ally, donât be a rumor spreading sexually repressed scared little girl. You have to give them your body. For the good of the transfeminist movement. Itâs revolutionary for them to stick their penises in you, letting them do that is giving âthe middle finger to transmisogyny.â
Articles like this exist because female people using one of the few tactics we have to keep each other and ourselves safe, or to get justice for what was done to us, to name and shame, will always hurt males, especially those who demand access to womenâs bodies and wish to take advantage of the fact weâre socialized to put him first and ourselves second.
itâs fascinating to see that seemingly all of the responses to this story were blaming the author: itâs fake, itâs exaggerated, nobody acts like that, you were clearly using him, why didnât you leave soon? why didnât you report him sooner? marriage is a two-way street. you clearly had other problems going on. why are you based america as an immigrant? etc etc to such extent that the publisher had to publish a different article defending its veracity
A response to "The Year When My Husband Started to Act Like a Tsundere Teenage Girl to Get My Attention."
the insistence that it is fake, that nobody acts this way, that they would hide it are all especially funny to me given that i can think of at least three if not closer to four or five people that this immediately reminds me of (all male, all porn addicts, all from 4chan) with about five more this applies to in some fashion. several are dead now from self-inflicted wounds or drug overdoses from addiction. more i donât know the whereabouts of but would not be surprised, given their self-destructive thoughts and actions which they shared with me, if they were dead as well.
pedophilia is not something people really feel ashamed about when allowed to connect anonymously or pseudonymously, really, at least not in my experience. they get very defensive of it, itâs âjustâ moe anime, itâs âjustâ lolicon, itâs âjustâ child pornography (the more accepted term now is child sexual abuse material btw). iâve spoken to people of all the above (all male, again) including, yes, a man who admitted to âusingâ quite a lot of csam and does not feel guilty or ashamed but is trying to âreformâ himself so he doesnât do it again. he doesnât consider lolicon, even traced, to be a violation of this virtue, so he admitted to that.
tumblrâs csam problem iâve discussed at length so i wonât bore you further (tl;dr it was not a coverup to ban porn, it was a real problem me and my friends (who were overwhelming feminists who had been victims of csa and csam production) kept reporting. to tumblr, to the fbi, to the media. nothing came out of it except for the fact i can now say iâve seen footage of an infant being raped uploaded to tumblr. i donât think the fbi ever did anything about all those âmasturbate that 16 year old girl with the infant sheâs giving birth toâ blogs either (there are thousands of them on here)) but did you know 7chan split from 4chan when the latter explicitly banned lolicon because it was digital child porn? they have a whole board dedicated to it, itâs not on the dark web or anything. they havenât been prosecuted to my knowledge though their servers went down at some point and lost of a lot of images sitewide. i only know this because they had a board dedicated to posting pictures of your penises in glasses of wine and drinking them after discussing the feeling of the liquid on your penis. i remembered it and looked it up but it was so absurd it could have easily been misremembered. it was not.
and i think we are all aware of the nomaps/maps trying to work their way into acceptance through, previously, nambla and later the mogai model, but theyâre now doing it through âparaphilia acceptanceâ posts (which are usually sandwiched between ones about âdismantling cancel/callout cultureâ and âpedohysteria/pedojacketing trans womenâ) despite the fact that, shocker, a lot of those ânomapsâ keep turning out to just be plain ol âmapsâ and the latter also keep trying to meet minors. who could have thought.
and the sex offender support subreddit which frequently discusses how unfair serving time for sex offenses is (itâs JUST pictures! and how do you know i wasnât hacked or clicked a bad link? they could have come from anywhere!) and how the sex offender registry needs to be abolished and bans anyone (often victims of csa) who say you need to take accountability for the harm youâve done (one particularly salient example came from a pedophilic sex offender who was lamenting how unfair registries were because they hurt his chances in life. when a victim prompted him to consider how his actions had harmed his victims permanently, he responded that he didnât care and they donât matter to him. the victim was banned, the offender had his posts kept up for a while until they were deleted for giving the sub a bad image).
and the general rape/victim-blaming/purity culture and the backlash around, well, bringing any sex offenses (but especially those against or between children) to light⊠âitâs ephebophileâ seems pertinent here, no?
anyway the point was that if youâve never encountered this in your many deep dark years on the bowels of the internet and therefore donât believe this for a second count yourself very very lucky. this hit home in ways i couldnât name but had seen repeated over and over. iâm glad someone else is seeing this and saying it. iâm disheartened but not really surprised how quickly all the comments fell immediately into victim-blaming, darvo, and the rules of misogyny.
full article below the cut.
Editorâs note: The following story is true. It was sent to me by a reader who thought it would be cathartic to share her experience here. She wants to help people going through something similar feel less alone.
Later this week, Iâll share a longer response piece. This piece is gut-wrenching and much heavier than what I usually share here.
âThat poor counselor,â I thought to myself.
My husband and I were sitting in the marriage counselorâs office. When he found an opening, he launched into a monologue about how financially successful he wasâwellâwe were. The counselor, a quiet woman in her 60s, seemed uncomfortable. Neither one of us could get a word in.
I was in my mid-20s, and he was in his early 30s.Â
He was right. Our finances were in pretty good shape for our age. But I wondered why he felt the need to focus on our finances when we were trying to save our marriage. Maybe he meant to convince the counselor that our marriage performed just as strongly as our portfolio.Â
Or maybe it was just that not many other people had listened to him so intently. He just wanted her approval.
The counselor I found for us didnât comment on our finances, her face blank. At a certain point, she told us our time was up and ushered us out of the office. Although my husband seemed to enjoy talking to her, I did not make another appointment.
*
According to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services website, I would get a temporary green card in a year.
I could file for divorce as soon as it arrived.
Alternatively, I could divorce right away and restart the green card application process through my job. If I did, I would have to keep my job throughout the process for some years. Middle management had been acting chaotic lately. Some of my coworkers were pushed out. A divorce would make me happier immediately, but it would be a risky move.
There is another option that I could wait for another three years in this marriage to get a permanent green card, but did I want to? I didnât think I was even capable.
One year, I could wait. Three, I couldnât.
*
My husband hinted that he was browsing r/deadbedrooms, a subreddit for couples who had stopped having sex. I didnât give it much of a thought. But when I checked the site, I found men on it very whiny. They didnât seem to care about improving their connection. They just blamed the lack of sex on their female partners.
Later on, my husband told me he wanted to get an anime waifu pillow. I wasnât sure why he had to tell me about it.Â
I wasnât his boss. He could buy whatever he wanted without my approval.
He ordered a pillow straight from Japan and showed it to me. Itâs a body long pillow with a sexy anime girl printed on it. I said something along the lines of, âNice pillow. The price is reasonable too. Itâs great you can directly order stuff from Japan these days.â âšâšHe deflated it and put it somewhere in the storage.
I didnât know when or if he âusedâ it.
*
I liked Reddit for a while. I liked reading peopleâs conversations. Â
There were people from all walks of life talking about what they did. Teachers, nurses, police officers, blue-collar workers⊠As an immigrant, I found Americaâs ever-squabbling population fascinating. They can be annoyingly ignorant about the other parts of the world, but they are almost never boring to observe. And here they were. You can catch a glimpse of their lives on Reddit.
My husband liked the hentai subreddits the most.
He told me about some categories of hentai he enjoyed, some of them seemed fine, but many of them were disturbing.
The most disturbing ones he told me about included âhard vore,â âa paraphilia characterized by the erotic desire to be consumed by, or to personally consume, another person or creature.â He liked the drawings in which anime girls were swallowed whole by monsters.
The other thing he liked was images of sexual intercourse that involved penises so large that the womenâs belly âinflated.â She was being impaled by an impossibly large dick. Itâs hentai, so I guess people can draw whatever they want. But it looked painful. It didnât look sexually appealing.
He also liked r/hentaihumiliation. Again, it didnât look sexually appealing.
My guess was he was desensitized from an early age.Â
He also liked watching videos of people getting accidentally killed. He said watching these videos made him a more careful driver and machine operator. But it seemed to be his hobby, the videos didnât look like anything remotely educational.
His parents were very strict and religious and didn't allow him to play with other kids much, so he was in the basement on the computer all the time as a kid.Â
His taste for more potent pornography escalated over the years.
Thank god we only had the most vanilla sex in practice and not often. It was difficult for him to get an erection. When he did, it was hard to cum. I was mostly just bored and dry.Â
Sex with my husband felt like completing a task, so I never initiated any.
*
Normalcy.Â
I liked going to work. My coworkers and I were all pretty stressed out. But at least it felt normal.Â
Some of them were Americans, and some of them were new immigrants like me. We discussed revenue streams, new products, deadlines, and other business stuff during our meetings. We ate lunch together, and I listened to their life and immigration problems.Â
Some older coworkers took parental leave.
These people and their problems felt so normal.
I liked being immersed in that normalcy.
*
In the beginning, my friends and my family all thought my husband was pretty normal despite being a little bit shy.Â
But whatever stopped him from socializing with others was deeper than shyness. Eventually, it took too much effort to include him in activities because he was always so unwilling. He claimed he was an introvert.
I started to socialize on my own.
He refused to teach me to drive because âI would be out partying all the time by myself.â
I was fairly annoyed that I had to spend a lot of money on driving school and also pay half of the car loan. And what was wrong with âpartying all the timeâ if he himself wanted to avoid people?
It wasnât like this before the marriage.Â
We had a friend group. We went out.Â
What didnât I see?Â
When I told him I was uninterested in anime and hentai before marriage, he was hurt. He told me he felt judged and not accepted, so I was like, whatever, and stopped offering my opinions on these matters.
*
Our parents started pushing for babies, and he also wanted babies. I told everybody I wanted to focus on my career for now.
But that wasnât the whole story.Â
Practically, I didnât know how to raise a baby without driving in our area. But mostly, I didnât want to have children with him.
My coworkers sometimes spoke about raising children. One father told me how relieved he felt about his daughter finally graduating from potty training and how much daycare centers cost these days. Another father complained about his son losing his pairs of glasses all the time, and he suspected that the son was intentionally âlosingâ glasses because he didn't look cool with glasses on. They seemed stressed.Â
When my husband discussed raising children, he did not talk about things like daycare costs, potty training, or glasses.
My husband asked me if weâd allow kids to have sex as teenagers.Â
âIf they had good sex education and knew how to use protection, I suppose,â I grunted, not wanting to think too deeply about my hypothetical children having sex.
âYeah, itâs cute when kids have teenage sex. I didnât have any growing up.â
I recalled another conversation we had at some point. He really, really wanted two daughters because he wanted to dress them up. I asked him what if I got pregnant with a son, and he said if our baby was a boy, heâd like me to get an abortion.
Another time, I asked my husband what would happen if we couldnât handle the workload a child requires and regretted having a child.
He told me there were government agencies where you could give children away.
*
One day, seemingly out of the blue, he talked about how he thought there was nothing wrong with sex between siblings if both of them consented.Â
I thought about it and shrugged it off since I couldnât think of any reason why it would be terribly wrong either if they were both adults, it just felt gross. The more I thought about it, the more it disturbed me.
When he thought through this subject, was he thinking about his own sister?
I liked his sister. She was a cheerful person.
*
When I say âthank god,â itâs not because Iâm religious.Â
âThan-k. Go-d,â if you tap the tip of the tongue twice against your teeth hard, it sounds like a curse.Â
Try it, say âthank god,â but in the spirit of âfuck this shit.â
Thank god for birth control.
*
I compulsively checked the USCIS website for my green card updates. It was already delayed a few times.
My husband got into another subreddit, r/asiangirlsbeingcute. He showed it to me.Â
r/asiangirlsbeingcute wasnât as disturbing as the hentai ones. Itâs mostly just Korean idols making faces.
The site seems to be a place for Asian fetishists.
Iâm Asian.
*
My husband wasnât super into Korean culture. He was mostly into Japanese culture.Â
He once traveled to Japan and bought some futanari hentai manga and hid them in our bookshelf. When he showed them to me, I took one glance at them, and decided that I hate futanari.
One time, he told a friend of ours that he would move to Japan after making a lot of money here in the US.Â
I felt a sudden surge of anger and said, âYou can move there by yourself.â
*
I somehow became a ringleader of fun at work.Â
I organized outings for coworkers, anything that got me out of my home. I joined a band and busied myself with practicing music. I signed up for difficult on-the-job training and always did homework when I was home.
My husband showed me some non-sexual manga (thank god) one day about how a tsundere girl had trouble expressing love to another girl. She was misunderstood in the manga and felt very sad and lonely.Â
(Tsundere: a cold, aloof person who has trouble showing affection and is usually hostile to people they like.)
My husband said he felt just like this girl.
I cringed.
*
Two prepubescent girls in the same bikinis, Caucasian, approximately 8 years old. They looked alike. They must be sisters.Â
One girl was hovering on top of the other in one picture.Â
One girl was touching the other girl in another picture.
In one other picture, they faced each other, their lips pouting as if they were going to kiss each other.Â
Their eyes were looking at the camera.
My husband showed me this group of pictures and told me that he thought these two girls were very cute.
I counted the days toward getting my green card whenever my husband talked about stuff I didnât like.
After he showed me these pictures, I cried in private.
*
My husband said he liked writing and showed me a couple of stories he wrote. In one story, a Girl Scout traveled around in space, selling Girl Scout cookies to spaceships. She had sex with aliens.
In another story, a girl-devil took revenge on pedophiles after being raped and killed by an adult man in her former life. In this story, he described how the girl was killed.
My husband said Girl Scouts were boring, and Boy Scouts were cool. His sister was in Girl Scouts, and he was in Boy Scouts.
*
There were only a couple of months until my green card arrived, according to the USCIS website. A temporary green card would allow me to stay in the US and work, regardless if we stay married or not. It was not the most secure form of immigrant documentation, but I wanted out as soon as possible.
When did I first start contemplating the possibility of divorce? It was before I signed up for marriage counseling.Â
It was when he sent a message asking me what I was doing, and I told him I was reading about feminism. He said if I kept reading about feminism, Iâd start to read about the red pill (frowny face emoji).Â
I didnât know what the red pill was, so I looked it up.
*
He mentioned he was into 4chan when he was younger, but it was no longer true. I knew what 4chan was because I once read in the news about how 4chan users attacked Emma Watson for being a feminist.
He was very liberal on every other issue like economy, climate change. He always voted for Democrats, and donated to the ACLU.
*
My husband asked me to check out r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, I did, and found all the anime girl memes cringe.Â
But I didnât care because I would be free soon.
My husband came out as trans, as I expected, since âindirectly communicate through introducing new subredditâ seemed to be a pattern at that point. I asked him why, and he said he liked it when skirts go spinny.Â
He felt like a woman.
And he'd love the feeling of being pregnant. He also mentioned something about pillow fights between girls.
*
If my husband had told me something in person, and later I came across the exact same words on Reddit, Iâd cringe, hard.Â
I donât know why this behavior makes me cringe so much.
Was it because he wouldnât tell me he saw it on Reddit? Or was it because he took Reddit posts so seriously that he talked about it like they were his own original thoughts and feelings?Â
Anyway, through some quick research, I found out that all the reasons he listed about âfeeling like a woman,â were cribbed from Reddit.Â
I encouraged him to transition. I acted supportive and open-minded.
*
USCIS finally sent me a temporary green card. Shortly after, I announced that I wanted a divorce and moved out. He came out to other people as trans.Â
He did not want a divorce and threatened to take his own life. I did not take his threat seriously.
At some point, he accepted it and said, âYou married a man, and you are not a lesbian, it's understandable you don't want to stay married to a woman.âÂ
*
When we went through the divorce papers in person. We chatted about what was going on in each other's lives.Â
Hormones made my ex-husband feel âlike a teenage girlâ all the time.Â
So many intense emotions, I was told. My ex-husband was also reading a feminist book.
I thought back to my teenage years. When I was a teenage girl, I mostly thought about school, America, and a couple of boys. I decided that I needed to become an American and worked very hard toward this goal.Â
I read American news to learn English and American culture. I watched anime for a couple of years because my friends were into it, and then I grew out of it. The other teenage girls and I rallied around our dreams, higher education.Â
It was stressful, but I felt happy, confident, and surrounded by friends.Â
Teenage girls make the best friends, to other teenage girls.Â
None of the teenage girls I knew befriended adult men.
Adults in our lives would be on high alert if we did.
*
My husband never asked me what it was like to be a teenage girl. I was glad he didn't. These experiences and friendships were special.Â
I didnât want these memories to be tainted by my husband.
I smiled and nodded to my now ex-husband. He droned on and on about âteenage girl feelings.âÂ
We parted our ways one last time.
*
I asked various professionals whether the bikini photos of these prepubescent girls my ex-husband showed me counted as illegal child pornography. I got different answers.Â
When I finally became a US citizen a few years later, I walked into the police station.
The young officer who took my case was professional and solemn. He listened attentively and expressed how sorry he felt for me and how glad he was that I had made my way out.Â
He thanked me for reporting my ex-husband and said it was brave.
âAlthough, one thing I donât understand, why would he show these photos to his wife?â
âI know right? I have no fucking clue.â
We gazed at each other for a few more seconds.
âMaybe..â I speculated, âMaybe it feels very lonely to be a pedophile.â
The officer nodded slowly as if I just said something profound.
it's interesting how often dysphoric males attribute their supposed "connection" to "womanhood" through their insistence that they prefer to socialize with women / are generally interpersonally "closer" to women / feel more "comfortable" in female company, and/or aspire towards typical female-to-female modes of communication. this, combined with mainstream discourse about masculine/male social customs and rituals ("the male loneliness epidemic", "we teach men not to feel", "men aren't allowed to be emotionally or physically vulnerable with each other", etc etc etc), demonstrates how people at large completely ignore how female conditioning affects our very modes of social interaction, most of all in mixed-sex company, but still so in single-sex company as well
coerced feminine modes of communication are held up as more "untainted" and "natural" than the supposed extreme repression on the side of men (= we are considered to be unlike men, for whom emotional sensitivity is discouraged, while in us, supposedly, let be) - and at the same time, it is implied that the negative outcomes of feminine conditioning are synonymous with female nature. women are considered virginally emotionally pristine, uncoerced and unburdened - but also "two-faced", "manipulative", "liars", "untrustworthy", "jealous", "passive-aggressive", "snakes". guys "have it out in the open", "fight it out", while women are vicious, backstabbing bitches. but vicious, backstabbing bitches that are also supposedly perfectly socially adept, adequate, emotionally intelligent and secure! in this picture of the world, we are the ones granted the general social license to experience and express the full spectrum of human emotion - we are just too stupid and petty to ultimately do so
i see how we are taught to hold back and hold things in in myself constantly, and i see how it prevents me from connecting with other women with security and authenticity; i aim to be gentle with others, but i am rarely close to them. i see the same in other women, and i also see the defensiveness, the injured security, the reactiveness that stems from this internalized idea that our feelings and thoughts will not matter, we cannot expect them to matter, to hold up space - so the only way to protect ourselves is to remain on the defensive, deflecting any inquiry that risks invalidating our most basic emotional truths. for all that dysphoric males may say about the ways we supposedly relate to one another, we are actually rarely able to. the obstacles to true and comfortable female connection and solidarity are severe - in huge part precisely because of how often we are taught and expected to prioritize, comfort and coddle men.
and that's the other aspect of it! women are conditioned to be pleasant peace-keepers at all times, but especially with a male present; we are conditioned to be understanding, empathetic, nourishing, especially when presented with vulnerability; so of course when an emotionally vulnerable male, one that has suffered adverse treatment by other males or simply felt severely alienated from them, comes around, the male-centered impulse + the nurturing impulse combine into something especially potent. the male is, as a default, more important than any female friend present, and also vulnerable and injured, and so must deserve double the resource, support, attention
this self-sacrificial, nurturing, motherly instinct is a death and erasure of self. women disappear in the placating, the peace-keeping, in acts of service. they start living for the social benefit of others. they are no longer present in the conversation, situation, relationship - they are soothing agents, supporting actors in others' - men's - personal emotional dramas
so when a dysphoric male absorbs that treatment, finds comfort in being comforted, takes pleasure in this erasure of the woman's personhood, and then claims that this is a social context in which he is "meant" to exist - he takes at face value the intense, pervasive conditioning all female people go through, validates our internal deaths as natural and authentic, reaps the benefits of our (self-)injury and believes we are nourished by nourishing him; that this is what "socializing" with us as full, uncensored people is truly like. that we are truly, essentially ourselves when he is at peace around us
when they say "i always felt more comfortable around women", "women are great/wonderful/kind/amazing", "i want to be like women", i worry and i seethe and i hurt because this is not what women are like. the true heart of all our messes and pains and anger and resentment and injured sense of justice, our ugly uncharitable judgments stemming from all the bullshit we absorb from our circumstance, our secret, stifled demands, our uncompromising dignity, our needs, our desires - they're locked and buried more often than not. we are not what you see! we do not even see ourselves or each other for most of our goddamn lives. and when we dare to allow ourselves a fraction of it, we are back-stabbing bitches or man-haters or crazy or petty or jealous or bigoted or any other convenient brand of evil
so i guess a psa to any dysphoric males out there who think that being more comfortable in female company validates their dysphoria and/or transgender identification: it is a social and existential imperative for us to make you comfortable. regardless of any genuine affection they may hold for you, it is more likely than not that your female friends experience at least a degree of societal coercion that means they will put in an extra effort to help you relax and feel emotionally safe and content around them. this is neither authentic nor natural to us. you do not feel this way because you are a woman. we make sure that you feel this way, because you are a man, and comforting and uplifting men is what we do
So I posted about my 15 year old friend, who was sexually assaulted, groomed by online trans communities, sexually harassed and preyed upon, and who eventually died six months after phallo complications.
And this fucking walking sack of shit shows up:
sure thing fuckwad, talk shit about a 20 year old girl who died because the phalloplasty complication rate in Europe is 87%.
Sure, talk shit about a grooming victim who was told she was never going to smile again unless she went through with surgery.
Sure, talk shit about her because she sent the picture when the "trans women" discord asked her to send topless photos of herself AS A MINOR so they could "assess" her for mastectomy.
Who wants to bet this vomitous mass thinks minors can consent to sex with adults too, considering everything a 15 year old girl does she needs to be held "accountable" for..
"so your friend lied" ON ADVICE FROM YOUR FUCKING COMMUNITY.
You tell people to lie and they do and it's on them??
The trans community targets vulnerable children, gets them to act against their own self interest,
and of those children have any issues, or doubts, or complications, then they shout that those children made PERSONAL CHOICES as FULLY CAPABLE ADULTS, and those same children are ostracised and harassed and called "grifters" and "terfs".
Ok I need help. What is the quotation that goes like: âeverything is boring for women. House work is boring. Sex is boring. Kids are boring. Marriage is boring. The world was not made for women.â
I cannot find it after extensive googling and itâs driving me up a wall.
Such a succinct quote, and the key idea behind all the madness of misogyny.
Men monopolized everything that is humanâ ambition, desire for freedom, self-expression, intellect, the pursuit of knowledge, traits of humannessâ and assigned whatever was left to us.
Because of course, we must by nature be their opposites. They assign themselves as naturally assertive, dominantâ and so women must be naturally meek, submissive. They assign themselves the qualities of a leaderâ so women must be natural followers, weak of mind.
They grant themselves the full spectrum of emotional expression (perhaps except for sadness/weakness)â so they can be ambitious, career-driven, selfish, excited, hungry, ugly, confident, even arrogant, and untouched in their natural bodyâ so women must be the walking dolls, shaved, painted, small both in physique and personality, tottering around in heels, and of course always elegant and beautiful because loudness and ugliness are the worst crimes a woman can commit.
And so when we act human, they say we act like men.
When we act human, we are âunfeminineââfundamentally broken women. Something must be wrong with us. Because femininity = womanhood.
Because they said so.
Because it benefits them to have a 24/7 submissive bangmaid.
Once you see the circularity of this pathetic desperate farce, that modern femininity is man-made and man-enforced, a performance that was never inherent to usâ you canât unsee it.
Never let them tell you that your place is wherever they say it isâ because 100% of the time, that place will only ever serve them.
I mean it's fair to argue the term "cult member" is overused or misused, but seeing a genderist go from "Evil TERFs are making bots to send rape and death threats to trans people!!"
To, upon being corrected that the person sending those bots is actually a genderist who intended to target radfems (but the bots breached containment and is attacking anyone indiscriminately);
"I don't care about who made the bots. Actually I don't even want to know. Lol who cares about petty internet drama. You provided the info you had, what do you want me to do with it? I already read it. Person online acts like asshole, story at 10? Just log off, trolling campaigns happen all the time."
Hate to say it but yeah it really does remind me of cult indoctrination specifically of denialism that is a common occurrence to people in cults.
Maybe detransitioners existing make some of you start having the realization that sex dysphoria is like body dysmorphiaâa disorderâand that in itself is unfathomable. It being a disorder doesn't validate that mental state as worth giving into, and the inherent opposition and fight it proposes gets seen as personally hateful, blameful, derogatory.
Trans ideology be like âsex and gender are differentâ ok so why trans women want to join in female sports? You compete with your body not your pronouns
I keep seeing the thumbnail for that âhow Mean Girls demonizes hyperfeminityâ video on YouTube, and I donât want to form an opinion on something that my bone-deep revulsion prevents me from watching, but Jesus Christ.
There was a post on here to that effect a few years ago, also listing Heathers, Clueless and High School Musical as examples of âdemonized femininityâ while Elle Woodsâ femininity is celebrated, and aside from my constant aggravation by this reactionary trend of a non-issue where everyone is pretending being feminine is under attack and women being gnc/butch is somehow more accepted, I think itâs interesting to note here that the feminine characters in question here are demonized for being bullies. Specifically the kind of bully that terrorizes other girls for, among other things, not adhering sufficiently to standards of femininity in the social panopticon-like paradigm we frequently see where women socially punish and ostracize one another for not meeting patriarchal standards sufficiently. It happened offscreen, but Regina tormented Janis into a mental health crisis for dressing alt and (possibly) being a lesbian, hence incorrectly female. They bully other girls for being insufficiently pretty, thin, fashionable, white, heterosexual. (Interestingly, if you look at some of cinemaâs famous male bullies, your Biff Tannens et cetera, thereâs an equivalent of choosing targets due to perceived failures of masculinity!)
The Let Women Be Feminine brigade rushing to these bulliesâ defense, claiming they're only demonized for femininity and frequently calling the characters targeted by the hyperfeminine bullies âNLOGsâ (because, I suspect, they know they canât quite get away with saying the d-word anymore like they might have in the early 2000s), is very telling. Itâs an affirmation and agreement with the bullies, and the essentialist patriarchal standards theyâve internalized and imposed on others.
