I guess i've been putting this off for a while but,
A couple years ago, I started a weight loss journey and tracked my progress on this blog. It began healthy, moderate, and positive: small changes in diet, regular exercise, and having been almost 200lbs with very little fitness, I saw results fast. Seeing these results, and other's reaction to my own results, became a huge motivator for me.
I grew more inspired, and extremely controlled. When I hit a plateau, I would always choose to cut back on calories. I turned all my social events into motivators to lose weight. I made weekly goals on how many pounds I wanted to lose and how many inches I wanted to see off my waist and hips. I became very obsessive, very fast. I started in March, and by December of that year I was eating 350 calories a day, and had lost 61lbs in 9 months.
By the time I had realized I had anorexia nervosa, I had completely lost my relationship with food. It had total control over me, my day, and how I felt about myself. I didn't want to seek help because by this time I had become known as the "Fitness Guru" of my school, and would regularly instruct yoga and do motivational talks for younger gym classes. Also, my first successful Spoken Word poem was titled "Strength" and followed the "health" of my journey to losing 60lbs.
I tried to recover, and spent the next two years gaining and losing weight. I moved away for university, developed a binge/restrict diet, moved through stages of depression, and treated the clothes I wore at my smallest like trophies; always striving to fit into them again, as soon as possible.
Today, I can say that it's in the past. However I do have moments of obsession, nights of eating just a little too much, a measuring tape on my doorknob, and flashbacks to every weight I had been at each moment of that year. I work out when I can, and my diet is as balanced as the average university student's can be. But I will never forget how it felt blacking out when I stood up, and the look on my hairdresser's face when she gathered my hair between her pointer finger and thumb and asked me "what happened?"
On the left, I was 129lbs. The photo was taken December 2011.
On the right is me, this past December.
I don't know how much I weigh now. But I can say that I am happy, healthy, and confident to have made it through something that consumed my life so violently, and for such a long time. I still do aspire to inspire, and am proud to have given some of you health advice that I should have been following myself. Always remember, all great changes are preceded by chaos.
tangentwithtanner
stormborns
blakekathryn
areudirty
snowghoul
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