Monday & Tuesday recaps -
I’ve been in a funk, trying to snap myself out of it. Here are my last two day’s worth of recaps.
(M) Caloric Deficit (was supposed to be a fast day but I was mentally struggling too much so I ate a few snacks at the end of the day still within caloric deficit) ✅
(T) I started off well - I brought food to work and was eating pretty on schedule. Then for dinner was going to order something for convenience but then I flipped a switch and had a really bad bad day, I binged (not the worst that I’ve ever binged by far but, not exaggerating, it was really bad and I kept trying to justify it to myself which was the worst part) I also feel like garbage right now physically and mentally 🤦🏻♀️
(M) Ginkgo and Hum “Gut Instinct” ✅
(T) B12, D3, Ginkgo, Hum “Gut Instinct” (Probiotic) & Hum “Daily Cleanse” (Algae and Herbs) ✅
(M) 15-minute meditation ✅
(T) 30 minutes total meditation ✅
(T) no Fitbit data but it was under 6 hours 🤦🏻♀️
My mind is a mess, for some reason I really crashed in the last two days as far as being able to control my thoughts and not self-sabotage. I went from this healthy place of transparency, patience, accountability and grace to a place of nothing happening fast enough and feeling disgusting, hopeless and overwhelmed (like this isn’t worth it). It truly was triggered by my scale too. I hopped on on Monday pre-emptively hoping to see I was out of the 300’s and my weight was higher than last week. Since I had been in a caloric deficit or fasting every day and doing okay with my goals, I went into a tailspin of how I’m older now and my body is resisting and how I’m never going to lose weight or be comfortable and confident in my skin. I started calling myself names - lazy, worthless, weak. I did the exact opposite of what I’m telling myself to do - I let my scale determine my worth.
I didn’t want to get up and go to work, I had bad thoughts. I don’t want to be like this. Then I feel bad because I’m trying to reason with myself and say give it another week but I can’t get that voice loud enough so it sticks and overpowers these other thoughts. I pressed on but it was lingering in the back of my head and then I binged. I justified it by saying that my body was getting used to my fasting routine so if I hit it with a really high calorie day, it might confuse myself back into burning my the right fat. First of all, if I believed that to be true, I didn’t need to eat fast food and shit. Second of all, the pay off was emotional momentarily not physical. Third, when I looked at the scale today again for WIW, I now have guilt around the binge and the what if’s. I need to get my head right and deal with this or I’m going to keep struggling. I need to stop trying to reason with irrational thoughts and take the damn wheel.
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