W H A T A S H A M E !

charl | playwright | poet | journalist | podcast host | gay shithead | he/him. used to do fandom, then didn't, now experiencing a nerd shit renaissance bc my friend got me into the fkn space fights !!!. mostly tho I use this tumblr to dreamboard my dumb art.

[gharles]

my star wars hot takes/theories

because I keep throwing them out there and forgetting them as soon as another weird inexplicable thing about this franchise comes up and as I’m now doing a space fights podcast I need to keep track

Anakin Skywalker is a trans woman

only a cis deals in absolutes (the dark side/light side dichotomy is an allegory for binary fetishism and intracommunity violence)

the midichlorians is a thing they (the jedi order) made up as a cover for being racist/classist/generally fascy and that’s why the jedi order is failing in the prequels

palpatine is gay (but in the way where george lucas is a homophobe and there’s a weird grooming angle to anakin and palpatine’s friendship)

watto is anakin’s actual father (shmi didn’t immaculately conceive, she only said she did because she didn’t want qui gon to kink shame her for getting it on with watto) (incidentally this is also why watto seems much sadder when we see him again in ep 2) (i also want to add that this theory involves the assumption that shmi is not actually a slave but they needed a cover story for their illegitimate podracing boy - this also helps make it less gross that cliegg “”””buys”””” shmi and marries her - she just was never really a slave!!! and watto is extremely powerful in the force!!!!

rey isn’t palp’s granddaughter, nor the daughter of a palp clone, but the granddaughter of some random person in the Sith Eternal who claimed the child was a failed clone of palpatine in order to get their son off of exegol for a shot at a good life (this is why rey’s dad looks like off-brand gendry and not ian mcdiarmid)

poe is leia, rey is luke, finn is han, there is no other take on this 

yoda is literally only there to sow the seeds of chaos at every opportunity (like he intentionally negged anakin just to see what would happen, he knew palp was darth sidious, he can talk in correct Basic grammar but chooses not to to get away with being a demonic little goblin - he’s the SNL ronald reagan of star wars)

jar jar, despite being another character steeped in racist stereotypes bc fuck george lucas, is a fucking great character and his upward-failing zero-to-hero journey is the true centre of phantom menace

there’s no fuckin rule about jedi not being allowed to fuck the old jedi order were just incels and wanted an excuse for never getting laid

DARTH MAUL IS HOT

the first half hour of clones is a) a campy neonoir detective story and b) actually good

prequels > sequels

tbc

[gharles]

the opening crawl is objectively the worst thing about almost every one of these films and most of them would instantly be better films without them

much like stephen king, i think the best new star wars content will always be the stuff that makes george lucas unhappy, and anything george (or stephen) immediately loves should not be trusted

the beginning of TFA is deeply dull because it’s so demonstratively competent instead of being a campy chaotic trash fire ie what makes all the prior films entertaining

no for real the biggest mistake made in the sequels was the attempt to make Good Cinema at the same time as making a star war, the two are incompatible and that is a GOOD THING bad cinema has its PLACE i would take phantom menace over TFA any day tbh

[romansroys]

i thought this was clickhole at first

[incorrectskywalkerquotes]

Han: I think Leia mixed up our lunches. Look.

[holds up a post-it note that says "I love you so much."]

Luke: Oh, that explains this.

[holds up a post-it note that says "Please be good. For the love of G-d, be good."]

[mainflopgirl]

[robertjosephmaccready-moved]

palpatine: have u ever heard the tale of Darth Fuckhands McMike the wise? it’s a sith legend

anakin, at no point in time: why do u know a sith legend

[magnesiumflare]

@outermostthoughts

[orcixs]

made a quiz, tell me what greek deity favours you!!

https://uquiz.com/N17OGW

[orcixs]

i see ya’ll complaining in the comments on what you got.

you don’t pick the deity !!! THEy pick you!!!! 

[klaasfoto]

Hide and seek 2019.

After playing hide and seek with cows for three years (one, two, three) I’ve come to accept that they will never outgrow the level of three year old children. I have to pretend I don’t see them and call out ‘Where oh where could she be?’. Then they half leave their hideout and shout ‘I am here!’, and I still have to act like I really can’t find them. The following bursts of laughter never get old.

[girls-can-get-married]

🏳️‍🌈 Ruth Ellis (1899 - 2000) was the daughter of former slaves. She came out as a lesbian when she was 16-years-old to the complete acceptance of her family. In 1937, Ruth and her longtime partner moved to Detroit from their hometown of Springfield, Illinois for the promise of higher wages. There, she became the first woman in Michigan to run her own printing business. She printed fliers, posters, and stationary in the front room of her home, which also quickly became a hotspot for Black LGBTQ social life. Before long, Ruth was helping those who came around in any way she could, including by paying for college tuitions. After the Stonewall uprising, 70-year-old Ruth began giving speeches in support of gay and lesbian rights all across the country. She remained an activist for the rest of her long life and even spent her 100th birthday leading the San Francisco Dyke March. At the time of her death at 101, she was recognized as the oldest out lesbian in the US. She is the subject of the documentary "Living With Pride: Ruth C. Ellis @ 100" and is the namesake of the Ruth Ellis Center, a shelter for homeless and at-risk LGBTQ youth in Detroit.

Celebrate Ruth Ellis.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruth_Ellis_(activist)

#Pride #BlackLivesMatter

[commandergoretusk]

Ruth Ellis Center

Ruth Ellis Center creates a supportive community and provides trauma-informed services for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults of color.

[frickiestfricks]

[archivistic]

[text: tweet from @/iamchrisscott: “When I was 7 I sent a letter to Beverly Cleary asking if she’d write a book where Ramona met the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and she wrote back “Sure, if I live to be 104!” Well guess what Beverly” which quote tweets @/HarperCollins: Happy 104th birthday to Beverly Cleary! Birthday cake Party popper #WeLoveBeverlyCleary #BeverlyCleary]

[lullabyknell]

The Star Wars Wiki says, “While C-3PO underwent a memory wipe, R2-D2 was allowed to preserve his memories.” And I am delighted, because 1) I was pretty sure this was the case, but couldn’t remember exactly (R2 is a conniving sneak and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked even if anyone had been foolish enough to try), and 2) this means one of my favorite Star Wars headcanons is actually canon. 

It means that during that one scene in Empire Strikes Back, these two assholes know EXACTLY who the other one is.

You are decorated war veterans, you absolute trolls. 

[deltasquadformingup]

Yoda had 20 plus years to prep for this moment and this is probably what he picked on like the second day

[lullabyknell]

Yoda had 20 plus years to prep for this moment and this is probably what he picked on like the second day <- Holy shit, this is the truest thing I’ve ever read. That is absolutely what he did. 

Also, I have a couple of things I want to clarify on this post. 

Because of the Luke and R2 exchange right before they land on Dagobah, when Luke is explaining that they’re going to find Yoda, an old Jedi Master, and R2 appears to be like, “whomst??” I now hold the headcanon that while R2 knew who Yoda was, he didn’t actually know Yoda’s name. So when they got down to Dagobah, R2 was absolutely like, “OH SHIT, IT’S YOU. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE, GIVE ME BACK THE FLASHLIGHT, WHY DOES NO LISTEN TO ME, BACK OFF YOU GREEN SOCK, I’LL FINISH THE JOB MYSELF, I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.”

And since droid rights are absolute shit, for R2, when I say “decorated war veteran”, I’m not referring to medals. (Although Anakin absolutely made medals for his droid too, because R2 was there and did, like, ALL the work.) I’m referring to arrest warrants. 

[lullabyknell]

Most of R2’s memory is called The Shit List (With Receipts), with file folders on some of the galaxy’s most notorious and significant figures. Yoda has three folders. Anakin/Vader has five. So does Obi-Wan. The person with the most folders is Threepio (Designation: Useless Husband), bc R2 has never really let an argument go in his life. The only person who doesn’t have a shit list is BB-8, who has Never Done A Blessed Thing Wrong In Her Life. (R2 can and will fight you.)

[whitepeopletwitter]

[animatedtext]

[lawfulneurotic]

the theme is Black Lives Matter.

[thanksgivingsandwich]

Attendance is mandatory

[lesbyterianchurch]

New favorite TikTok

[195195119511951-deactivated2021]

In the first poetry workshop I ever took my professor said we could write about anything we wanted except for two things: our grandparents and our dogs. She said she had never read a good poem about a dog. I could only remember ever reading one poem about a dog before that point—a poem by Pablo Neruda, from which I only remembered the lines “We walked together on the shores of the sea/ In the lonely winter of Isla Negra.” Four years later I wrote a poem about how when I was a little girl I secretly baptized my dog in the bathtub because I was afraid she wouldn’t get into heaven. “Is this a good poem?” I wondered. The second poetry workshop, our professor made us put a bird in each one of our poems. I thought this was unbelievably stupid. This professor also hated when we wrote about hearts, she said no poet had ever written a good poem in which they mentioned a heart. I started collecting poems about hearts, first to spite her, but then because it became a habit I couldn’t break. The workshop after that, our professor would tell us the same story over and over about how his son had died during a blizzard. He would cry in front of us. He never told us we couldn’t write about anything, but I wrote a lot of poems about snow. At the end of the year he called me into his office and said, “looking at you, one wouldn’t think you’d be a very good writer” and I could feel all the pity inside of me curdling like milk. The fourth poetry workshop I ever took my professor made it clear that poets should not try to engage with popular culture. I noticed that the only poets he assigned were men. I wrote a poem about that scene in Grease 2 where a boy takes his girlfriend to a fallout shelter and tries to get her to have sex with him by tricking her into believing that nuclear war had begun. It was the first poem I ever published. The fifth poetry workshop I ever took our professor railed against the word blood. She thought that no poem should ever have the word “blood” in it, they were bloody enough already. She returned a draft of my poem with the word blood crossed out so hard the paper had torn. When I started teaching poetry workshops I promised myself I would never give my students any rules about what could or couldn’t be in their poems. They all wrote about basketball. I used to tally these poems when I’d go through the stack I had collected at the end of each class. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 poems about basketball. This was Indiana. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the class, “for the next assignment no one can write about basketball, please for the love of god choose another topic. Challenge yourselves.” Next time I collected their poems there was one student who had turned in another poem about basketball. I don’t know if he had been absent on the day I told them to choose another topic or if he had just done it to spite me. It’s the only student poem I can still really remember. At the time I wrote down the last lines of that poem in a notebook. “He threw the basketball and it came towards me like the sun”

[vestiges-of-light]

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[vestiges-of-light]

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[vestiges-of-light]

[theradioghost]

in the words of the great Elizabethan wordsmith William Shakespeare, in Hamlet Act IV Scene V, “When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.” or, in the words of the great Twitter wordsmith @Horse_ebooks,

[ritavonbees]

this is 1947 Cincinnati Enquirer erasure

[marisatomay]

please do not forget your smash mouth

[textsfromstarkiller]

(240): The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!