my star wars hot takes/theories
because I keep throwing them out there and forgetting them as soon as another weird inexplicable thing about this franchise comes up and as I’m now doing a space fights podcast I need to keep track
Anakin Skywalker is a trans woman
only a cis deals in absolutes (the dark side/light side dichotomy is an allegory for binary fetishism and intracommunity violence)
the midichlorians is a thing they (the jedi order) made up as a cover for being racist/classist/generally fascy and that’s why the jedi order is failing in the prequels
palpatine is gay (but in the way where george lucas is a homophobe and there’s a weird grooming angle to anakin and palpatine’s friendship)
watto is anakin’s actual father (shmi didn’t immaculately conceive, she only said she did because she didn’t want qui gon to kink shame her for getting it on with watto) (incidentally this is also why watto seems much sadder when we see him again in ep 2) (i also want to add that this theory involves the assumption that shmi is not actually a slave but they needed a cover story for their illegitimate podracing boy - this also helps make it less gross that cliegg “”””buys”””” shmi and marries her - she just was never really a slave!!! and watto is extremely powerful in the force!!!!
rey isn’t palp’s granddaughter, nor the daughter of a palp clone, but the granddaughter of some random person in the Sith Eternal who claimed the child was a failed clone of palpatine in order to get their son off of exegol for a shot at a good life (this is why rey’s dad looks like off-brand gendry and not ian mcdiarmid)
poe is leia, rey is luke, finn is han, there is no other take on this
yoda is literally only there to sow the seeds of chaos at every opportunity (like he intentionally negged anakin just to see what would happen, he knew palp was darth sidious, he can talk in correct Basic grammar but chooses not to to get away with being a demonic little goblin - he’s the SNL ronald reagan of star wars)
jar jar, despite being another character steeped in racist stereotypes bc fuck george lucas, is a fucking great character and his upward-failing zero-to-hero journey is the true centre of phantom menace
there’s no fuckin rule about jedi not being allowed to fuck the old jedi order were just incels and wanted an excuse for never getting laid
DARTH MAUL IS HOT
the first half hour of clones is a) a campy neonoir detective story and b) actually good
prequels > sequels
tbc
the opening crawl is objectively the worst thing about almost every one of these films and most of them would instantly be better films without them
much like stephen king, i think the best new star wars content will always be the stuff that makes george lucas unhappy, and anything george (or stephen) immediately loves should not be trusted
the beginning of TFA is deeply dull because it’s so demonstratively competent instead of being a campy chaotic trash fire ie what makes all the prior films entertaining
no for real the biggest mistake made in the sequels was the attempt to make Good Cinema at the same time as making a star war, the two are incompatible and that is a GOOD THING bad cinema has its PLACE i would take phantom menace over TFA any day tbh



















