It's the day after. Didn't go to ER. But was dragged to CRC. I don't know what they were hoping to get out of it. Cause now that we're back at home. Nothing's changed but that's how it always plays out even when I tell them everything how I feel. It's like talking to a brick wall that just hopes I'm the one that's going to change my choice.
I'm not getting her back- my cat.
I told them why I did what I did. They let my mom know, gave us both options. But I don't think there's anything any amount of talking can undo what's about to be taken away from me. She's just not worth arguing to sometimes.
I felt like It was taking every fibre of my being to even graduate. And it just didn't feel worth it. I'm just wishing this one time I can be a little selfish and just take both of them.
Both of them are even the reason I'm still here, I always said they were the small bits of light in that dark cave of darkness. They always pulled me out and showed me there was something to look forward to, waking up, coming back home.
one of them's being forcefully taken away from me and I have to make the desicion. it just feels so unfair that that's how I have to repay them... I feel so clouded and so unheard.
That everything was for nothing.
I'm sorry If I alarmed any of you. Everything I did was just, me being desperate really trying to find a way out of a bad headspace. But now I'm just trying to really get out of it.
Right now I can't say for sure If I'm still 90 or 60% here. Cause it's so strange how... almost weird how this feels like fate to me.
Like it's really almost my time. Like If life is trying so hard to take away my only will to live, then maybe it might really be a calling. My head is clear, I'm thinking clearly guys. It's just strange how it's happening like this and how hard life is really trying to make it for me. But it seems like this time it's really pushing it.
sorry for being depressing on main, I know some of you don't like it. But If I truly am going somewhere else, I think I should clear some things up.
I also figure I owe everyone an apology. I haven't been a good rp partner. I've been slacking off. Not just because of my own mood. But because I'm just genuinely scared and I suppose jealous of all of you.
And that's an Issue I don't think I will ever get over. Or will have to overcome someday. I purposedly ignored drafts and asks for months from certain people.
Which caused me on the outside to get even more nervous interacting with them. But I loved seeing all sorts of people with their unique writing styles of characters. But clearly, I'm just a smaller person who needs to learn how to overcome jealousy.
It's so sososo ironic I don't even follow my own rules, I can't even interact and use my own words. But I just got so scared, I didn't want to disturb, disrubt or offend anyone. And I'm truly sorry. I feel embarassed to even call myself apart of your community and even be mutuals with some of you. Cause you all are absoloutley wonderful people, and truly made my days, whether it'd be seeing you in my inbox, seeing my asks answered or seeing my blogs tagged.
janainaart
stormborns
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
