Gilded Chaotic Neutral

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Happiness is what you build from not to

I used to be so obsessed with being enough to be happy. I would be so caught up in how clear my skin was, how many pull ups I could do, I was caught up in numbers. Inches on my waist. GPA. Books read. Pieces done. It was madness, it was never enough, it was chocking in the dessert because I followed the lines in the sand past the water. 

And then something snapped. Well I mean it wasn’t just something I snapped. I don’t know how long it had been building but it was fine and then it was chaos and then I was looking myself in the mirror in a psych ward. I felt like death, it was awkward and disappointing, it was too much and utterly underwhelming. It was chaos there was no other word for it. It just felt like things getting worse and worse and worse and worse. I can attest hell has no basement. 

I’m writing this because for the first time I woke up and I went to school singing to my music and I dealt with the incidents of the day and I bounced back. For the first time in hell almost three years I got up and I was just okay with whatever happened. I was enough. 

I walked into the wrong class, I messed up talking to the dean and got called an idiot, I answered a question out loud in front of a new teacher and was dead wrong, and I didn’t give a fuck. I mean I did but within an hour I’d rebounded. I did okay. I felt okay. I feel okay. I ate lunch and a legit lunch, I talked myself out of my negative reactions, I like damn I’m proud of me I didn’t think I could do that. 

Today is the day I cemented it. 

You don’t build to happiness you build from it. 

You work on being stable and then holy shit you guys you can do so much. Everything is easier when you’re happy. Dancing doing the dishes is so much better than staring off into space counting down time. I don’t even know how I got here like there. That’s not true its just the simple stuff that works, you pause, you cope, you get enough sleep but not too much, you avoid what hurts, you set boundaries, you do what you can and you forgive yourself for being in pain. 

I’m not in the clear yet. I have a lot behind me but now at least I know I’m heading in the right direction and that means a lot. 

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Toast

Toast to mild pleasantries as the witching hour approaches and the cicadas cry a melody known only to midwest summers 

Toast to the fireflies and other little magics somehow forgotten by the world 

Toast to ending the never ending search for the fantasy of always something more that is the fantasy of magic 

Toast to enjoy the raw magic of here

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Minimalism and the color yellow

I practice an uncommon form of minimalism that I suppose could be called color minimalism. The principles are the same I own what I deem necessary and nothing else. I don’t have bland walls and a monochrome wardrobe though. A few years ago I would have, if only to feel like a fit in but in the end of an era of chaos I’ve rebuilt a life that is truly my own this time and that means including joy. Joy from what I have found has never been gleaned from staring at a blank white wall. I am a minimalist because I am frugal with my time as much as I am with my money and I’d rather spend time using things than buying things. I like a simple life but I’ve never taken that to mean plain. 

My color schemes are somewhat together but that is more an result of incident than a legitimate plan. My bed is just a mattress on the ground, I have a plain window seat, but the beauty is in the details. After my light broke a few years ago I found a literal curtain with christmas lights between layers of gossamer. I own a plant of indeterminate gender named Alistar Vivan Gray. My bedding is plain white with slightly darker pillows but strewn on the floor are a set of huge floor pillows that migrate with me throughout the day. Lastly I have a wall that started out just as a tapestry and then became a tapestry and a few small sketches. That was has transpired into being a virtual museum with a handful of paintings, art prints, tattoo art, art stolen from a book I stole from a dead relatives house, and a consistent tapestry that fits my favorite colors so well it ties everything together. 

I am a minimalist because it is functional, I don’t have a desk for the same reason I don’t like bras, I don’t like constraint. In a given day to myself I will take up half the floor with painting supplies and ideas while the rest is covered in quotes, books, old notes, and any other fruits of random ideas. I don’t own much so I get to use everything and then at the end of the day everything slides back into its place and once again I can walk through my room blind in the dark without hazard. 

Minimalism is often seen as a style of a few things, so called timeless pieces, and a select few of colors. I however, at least for the moment, find joy in colors. I wear a blue shirt to sleep and red shorts during the day. I value simplicity sometimes I wear a plain black t shirt and straight blue jeans, my point isn’t to demonize the movement it’s to point out the flexibility of it. The point of minimalism is to live the life you want. Your time, energy, eyes, they all go where you intend. For me this means I rush around less and I pause more often to undo the stress of rushing around constantly for over a decade. It also means that I value simplicity, I own very few things but also I want for nothing. I can explore while still being contained in the life I have built for myself to accommodate wonder and ceaseless curiosity. 

The point is minimalism is pretty but there’s a bigger point. Don’t let the world insist you value things but don’t feel like you have to reject it. Wear make up or don’t. Own a complete library or don’t. I say none of this with judgment, only with the intention to reach the person I was a few years ago. Enjoy things, don’t try and contain yourself into what is expected of you or where you want to fit in. Build up a place for yourself where you can laugh and cry and dance and learn and smile. Value simplicity but never forget how the color yellow always kinda makes you smile.

(7/28/19) -Q

[gildedchaoticneutral]

It was an odd day that day we woke up in the fire. Even knowing it was coming it was still impossibly huge, the gold reigned but the cathedral fell. 

-the few rejected fates

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Gilded

Pineapples and peacocks 

Glamorous high tops 

“Status such a fragile thing” 

All the golden doves sing 

Tiger stripes

Array of rare furs

All fun till wealth transfers 

Caught up in all the gold 

Opulence forever a god 

All cinched tight waists

Laughing over plebeian tastes

Stifled by such perfumed air 

A caged choice to be there

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Leviathan 

[gildedchaoticneutral]

Context for this clusterfuck

I am starting this for a number of reasons. I have had an incredibly chaotic life I’ve got stories to share and I want to do so without my name attached. I’m a writer and some of its decent and I want to share it though please don’t steal it that would suck. I am also somewhat reclusive and find most people difficult to interact with and this is a measured attempt to provide myself some amount of enrichment. I am in large part a nerd so far warning this might go down some worm holes. And finally I have a lot to process and deal with and this is how I know how to. I tell stories. I make art. I create, I read, and I cry but occasionally this mess might be something. 

This will be a lot of things, lessons, stories, things I find and anything else. I hope to do best by you and anyone else. 

I don’t want this to be set up like I have a lot of answers I’ll share what I have but I can’t fix things. I wish you the best and I hope you’ll take a chance on this with me, I’m not looking for fame hell that’s a worst case scenario but I would like a community friends if I’m lucky. This is a shitty appeal but it’s the best I got. 

-Q