Have I been emotionally abandoned by my parents?
Lack of interest, attachment, bonding and positive engagement
My parent has never shown a lot of interest in what I want in my life
My parent has told me it doesnāt matter what I want
My parent doesnāt think much of my personality
Thereās not many (if any) parts of me that my parent likes
My parent doesnāt do both-sided conversations with me; either Iām just a listener, or telling them exactly what they want to hear
My parent doesnāt indulge with my opinions, experiences, interests
My parent dismisses, argues, humiliates or ridicules my opinions, interests, dreams
My parent expected me to feel and think only what they feel and think
My parent dismisses, humiliates and argues opinions and feelings that in any way differentiate from theirs
My parent only spends time with me if they have to, or to use me
My parent doesnāt have activities they enjoy doing with me, we donāt have any traditions we enjoy together
My parent doesnāt approve or praise me for the work I do
My parent doesnāt show support when Iām trying to gain a new skill or experience
My parent isnāt invested in me learning and developing (except if itās for their personal gain)
My parent makes me feel as if theyād rather not have me as child
My parent isnāt interested in giving me compliments, hugs, attention, approval or time
My parent convinced me Iām not important enough to have their attention
My parent gets angry if I want their attention
My parent blames me for wanting attention and shames me for it
I rarely or never felt acknowledged, seen, heard and accepted by my parent
I donāt feel valued or loved by my parent
Lack of protection
My parent doesnāt care if other children belittle, outcast, or bully me
My parent blames me for the getting hurt by other people
My parent thinks I should settle my problems without involving them
My parent dismisses me/gets angry with me if I try to tell them about scary or hurtful experiences I had
My parent claims I shouldnāt have gotten involved in problematic situation because itās too much for them to handle hearing about it
My parent failed to protect me from a person who groomed me
My parent groomed me to accept abuse and neglect as normal
My parent failed to protect me from a sexual predator or harasser
My parent acted as a sexual harasser or a sexual predator towards me
My parent failed to protect me from an abusive friendship/relationship
My parent failed to be on my side after I got hurt/mistreated/molested by a relative, teacher, or peer
My parent failed to protect me from the abuse from the other parent/relative
My parent subjected me to institutional abuse and claimed that I deserved it
My parent sent me away to go thru an abusive program and claimed it was the right thing to do
My parent knew I was getting abused, and didnāt stop it
My parent acted as if they werenāt my parent while I was getting abused
My parent blamed me for getting abused by another parent/family member, and accused me of causing it
My parent doesnāt care if I get abused by another family member, as long as I donāt ask for help or speak out about it
I donāt think my parent cares for what Iām going thru
Lack of care during stress, trauma and pain
My parent rarely or never reassured or comforted me if I was upset
My parent dismissed my depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, self harm
My parent had no patience for my feelings, and didnāt pay attention to how I was reacting to a traumatic or stressful situation (moving, loss of a family member, accident, violence, trauma)
My parent preferred if I didnāt show any big emotions and would lose their patience or snap at me if I was too vulnerable or crying
My parent shamed me or punished me for expressing anger or rage
My parent didnāt take care to be gentle and warm with me when I was vulnerable or hurt
My parent didnāt offer reassurances or uplifting words when I felt hopeless or spiraled down
My parent didnāt teach me how to deal with grief, anger, shock or pain
My parent didnāt tolerate me expressing negative emotions
My parent was likely to punish me for expressing negative emotions
I didnāt feel safe showing pain or vulnerability in front of my parents
I felt that my parents found my vulnerability repulsive to see
I never felt safe confiding my true feelings to my parents, in fear of being dismissed or worse
My parent prodded or humiliated my emotions of stress, fear, worry, panic, grief or pain
I had to emotionally take care of my parents and understand how they felt if there was a stressful or traumatic situation going on
Lack of patience, kindness and compassion
My parent expected things of me that I wasnāt interested in doing
My parent set expectations for me that were not realistic for a child
My parent had no patience for me to learn and expected me to know everything in advance
My parent showed no joy in me learning, and instead berated me for not doing things good enough
My parent had no forgiveness for my mistakes
My parent punished me for making mistakes
My parent had no patience for me not understanding everything at once
My parent snapped at me or punished me for being confused or reluctant
My parent shamed me for my inexperience, lack of knowledge, lack of skill
My parent never invested a lot of patience or time in order to teach me something
My parent wasnāt interested in my growth except in how it would fulfill their expectations
My parent didnāt consider my happiness when they were setting goals for me
My parent expected me to cooperate and act happy regardless of what I was going thru
My parent made sure I knew my emotions didnāt matter if i didnāt accomplish what was expected of me
My parent made me feel like I was supposed to be a robot rather than a child
I felt like things would be better if I had no emotions at all
Lack of stability
My parent only cared for me on specific days when they were in a good mood
My parent would sometimes blow up and attack me for something I could usually do without being yelled at
My parent didnāt care if I had to tiptoe around them in fear of their rage
My parentās rules or goalposts would change day to day; one day something was fine, another it wasnāt
My parent would sometimes attack me for not following the rules that were never made clear to me
My parentās personality would change completely if they were under stress or influence (alcohol, drugs)
My parent subjected me to experiences of domestic violence, fighting, screaming, trauma
My parents had me witness them fighting or very hateful displays and never emotionally took care of me afterwards
I felt responsible for their domestic situation and worried I was the cause of fighting
My parent used to love me at some point when I was a child or successful in some area, but as the situation changed, their feelings changed, and I felt it my fault they stopped caring
I worried I was doing something to cause my parent to not love me anymore
I felt I was not worthy enough for my parent to feel any love towards me
I could never be sure what to expect out of my parent, and it caused insecurity and anxiety
My parent spent a big chunk of their life away from me, not keeping consistent contact
My parent disowned me, or disowned me for a certain period of time
My parent spent weeks/months/years completely unavailable to me
My parent hid my existence and made me feel like I was a shameful secret they kept
My parent had a life that I was never a part of and wasnāt allowed to come close to it
Lack of acceptance and threat of abandonment
My parent compared me to other āpreferableā children to tell me what I should be like
My parent showed no interest to accept my personality, or my identity the way it is
My parent made it clear I will be punished if I act like myself
My parent argued against my plans and goals and tried to convince me I would never make it
My parent made me feel as if if it would be better if I didnāt exist
My parent convinced me itās a crime for me to exist as I am
My parent made me feel as if Iām the least important family member, and the family could do (or would do better) without me
My parent told me theyād prefer if they didnāt have me
My parent threatened to kick me out
My parent threatened to abandon me
My parent threatened to put me into an orphanage or a home
My parent called or threatened to call the authorities on me
My parent threatened theyād leave me to to fend for myself without teaching me how
My parent made me terrified of being alone
My parent made me feel like I will always, no matter what I do, end up all alone
Ā If 5 or more of these statements are true for you, or even 1 from the āProtectionā category, you have experienced emotional abandonment from your parent or caretaker. This experience is beyond painful and damaging for your emotional well being, and is likely to cause major issues with self love, feeling of self worth, feeling of safety and trust, developing relationships and intimacy, and mental health.
If you are dealing with abandonment issues, struggle with insecurity and trust in your relationships, and generally feel like you have a big black hole inside of you, know that this is the normal way your brain is reacting to severely painful abandonment. Your ways of coping are there in order to protect you from future abandonment, and your issues a result of many unmet needs you parents were responsible to meet. This is how anyone would feel after being abandoned. The way youāre dealing with it is not your fault, and it doesnāt mean you should be shamed or that something is wrong with you. You are trying to put your life back together after abandonment. Your brain is just trying to make sure you donāt have to experience that debilitating pain of being abandoned and left alone again.
To read more about what the opposite of emotional abandonment looks like, read āWhat is parental abandonment, and what does emotional care look likeā.
