Hey, so this is a post that I've been meaning to make but have been procrastinating on.
I have gotten a LOT of asks about joining the aspec discord that one of the mods had been running. I'm sorry if you've never gotten a response to that back, but here it is.
If you ask to join the aspec discord server;
Basically, the answer is NO.
(Not because of anything you've done, said, etc.)
Here's the breakdown of why:
Hi, Abram here, formerly mod Faith. I'm the one who created this blog (many, MANY years ago). When it got popular, I had a few people who joined me in running it, which worked well, for maybe about a year.
However, to sum it up, we fell out of communication and the blog more or less died. (There was no drama, we just... stopped talking)
I do not know for how long it's been, but I think I'm the only mod who is still active on tumblr.
This is bad, because when I get an ask to this blog, asking to join the discord, there's nothing I can do. Even before this happened there was nothing I could do.
At the time, I didn't have a discord, so I wasn't even in the server, nevermind having the power to let others in.
Mod Ren was the one who ran the server. And they left a post here back in 2019 that talked about them leaving tumblr and about the server. (Which I'll be honest, I forgot they did.)
But to sum up their post, the server is dead and gone.
I'm so sorry. But it is. So there is no longer a server to let you into, even if I had the ability to.
I REALLY appreciate everyone who had asked to join the server. I do. I love that it's something that a lot of people were interested in, and that people really wanted to embrace and connect with others in our community.
I'm sure that there are more aspec servers out there. I would, in fact, LOVE IT if anyone who does have one would share it so I could direct people to you.
I would maybe someday create another server associated with this blog, but that's a big maybe. Really I just don't have the time to try and do it right now.
I will be deleting the asks about joining the server, and any more that come in will either be deleted or linked back to this post.
Thank you all so so much. Like I said, I really do appreciate you all.
-Abram.
EDIT: Mod Ren here back from the dead for this single message - the discord server has been generally dead & unmoderated for a while now. No one is there to keep it up anymore and we only had about a couple dozen people on there originally. My deepest apologies to anyone involved, if my 16 year old self knew how messy this would end up I wouldnât have made the server. Sending love to you all.
I watched the asexual and aromantic communities get eaten away at by exclusionists and proto-TERFs and queer people making fun of microlabels and people who talked about how they just wanted all of us to stop dividing ourselves so much and people who decided that the concept of the Split Attraction Model was homophobic and people who flooded the ace and aro tags with porn and--
Well, you get the point.
But now a lot of people on this site don't know about ace culture and modern history, so here's some stuff you should know about:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) was started in 2001 by asexuality activist David Jay as a forum and educational space about asexuality.
A Carnival of Aces, which is a monthly blogging carnival on ace topics, has been taking place since May 2011 and has included such topics as coming out, non-traditional relationships styles and polyamory, asexual education (which I hosted), and labels and microlabels.
The Split Attraction Model is one model for talking about sexual and romantic orientation that splits out those two orientations, allowing individuals to describe sexual attraction/orientation as distinct from romantic orientation (e.g., aromantic bisexual, heteroromantic grey-asexual). While this model is primarily used by people on the ace and aro spectrums, it can be used by anyone who wants to discuss or describe sexual orientation as being separate from romantic orientation.
The AVEN triangle (or asexuality triangle) is a black and white or greyscale triangle that originated from taking the Kinsey scale and extending it down into another axis to address/acknowledge the range of attraction between what's on the Kinsey scale (allosexuality) and no sexual attraction (asexuality). It's generally presented as white at the horizontal line at the top and then black at the point at the bottom, often with a gradation of shades of grey down to the bottom.
Microlabels are specific (sometimes very narrow) labels for sexualities, romantic orientations, and genders. While these are not aro- or ace-specific, they were often associated with those communities because there was a culture of having nuanced conversations about narrow definitions, often by people couldn't find something that fit their experience in the standard L, G, B, or T lexicon. Demiromantic/demisexual, cupioromantic/cupiosexual, and quoiromantic/quoisexual are all examples of micro-labels.
The ace ring, a black ring worn on the middle finger of the right hand (generally) is a symbol of asexuality that some ace people wear. It originated on AVEN in 2005 when people were looking for a symbol that was rather covert.
Cake has also been an ace symbol, mostly from the idea that ace people agree that cake is better than sex. It used to be common to see a drawing of a cake with the ace flag colors.
The ace of (heart/spades/clubs/diamonds) has at times been used as a symbol for different ace spectrum/aro spectrum combinations. Ace of hearts is generally agreed on as alloromantic asexual and ace of spades as aromantic asexual (aroace or aro/ace). Ace of clubs is sometimes for grey-romantic asexual and ace of diamonds sometimes for demiromantic asexual, but those are less common.
Dragons were also associated with the ace community, at least on Tumblr. I'm less certain where this one came from (theories include that they're mythological creatures the way ace people are seen to be or that it's because there were headcanons that Charlie Weasley was ace).
Since you mentioned the aro community was also torn apart like this, I'd like to add:
Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA) is the site to go to for aro awareness and activism. They have regular features exploring different topics of aromanticism and how aromanticism impacts different topics, as well as a multitude of resources on defining aromanticism and coming out.
Arocalypse is the dedicated aro-focused forum for aros to socialize, hang out, and find help and community.
The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging event for aromantics to discuss various topics. While not as established as the Carnival of Aces, they have existed since 2019 and hosted a variety of topics from love to mental healthy and could always use hosts.
The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) is your place to go for all aspec news, events, and resources. They have printables for education, chats you can join, and various community projects and community meetups you can participate in.
The aro ring is a white ring worn on the left middle finger to symbolize aromanticism and dates sometime around back to 2014. It was created specifically to be a nod to our cousin community of asexuality.
Arrows are generally used to represent the aromantic community, since the shortening of aromantic is "aro", pronounced "arrow".
<2 is often used by aromantics in place of the text heart "<3" to symbolize a disconnect or de-prioritization of love that allos display, as many aros are uncomfortable with and disconnected from the idea of "love" in society and may not even understand what it means and be uncomfortable freely admitting any sort of love to others. It's hard to track from where this originated as you can't search for symbols like you can letters.
Aardvarks are a now outdated(? some still use it, but it's not very widespread) symbol of the community that used to be used to represent aromanticsm in a non-serious manner, used for many memes and jokes.
AAA/Triple A Battery is used as a reference by those that are Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender. It's totally just for fun.
I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.
Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.
Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.
I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.
In case people don't realize everyday things that are amatonormative
This is not a comprehensive list, just some examples.
Making fun of people who've been married multiple times.
Giving preferential treatment (first choice on holidays, no overtime requirements) to married persons or people in long term relationships.
Expecting people to bring romantic partners to functions for work, social groups etc. rather than a person who would enjoy the event best.
People respecting "I'm seeing someone" more than "I'm not interested".
Asking new co-workers, strangers, etc. about their marital status, which assumes 3rd parties have a right to such info (they don't) and that everyone has an interest in marriage.
Laws that prevent non family from supporting single friends but allow spouses and romantic partners to do so in times of crisis.
Laws that give financial benefits to the married for no reason other than they're married.
Laws against poly marriages and relationships even if all parties involved are happy in the relationship and want to get married.
Single people not being permitted to carry friends on their insurance while married people can carry their whole families (this essentially creates a pay gap as the married person is getting more benefits than their single co-workers are permitted)
Discrimination against single people in the rental and housing markets.
And things that are not amatonormative
You being in a romantic relationship with one other person and being happy and prioritizing that relationship in your life.
#you know how people joke about unlocking cis+ if you question your gender but end up back at cis #i think we should make allo+ a thing
#if you do your unlearning amatonormativity homework and still end up wanting an exclusive romantic relationship as your priority #then good for you! genuinely!
#but please do think about this stuff. it's not just for aspec folks to care about and we aren't the only ones it hurts
#i mean you should care about stuff that hurts only aspec ppl. but amatonormativity sucks for just about everyone
#the list above has some excellent examples of that
#as with any queer group whether we have civil rights is a lot more important than what any individual person does with their life yknow
Sigh. The response to "asexuals are actually just childish and scared of sex" isn't "well actually you're wrong because we write the filthiest smut in existence" or "what about asexuals who know all about kink" or "I'm asexual and I love making sex jokes", NO, that's not the fucking point. I don't care. The point is that regardless of how an individual feels about sex they deserve to be respected and treated as an adult, even if the thought of sex grosses them out. I am asexual, reading smut makes me cringe (feel cringe as in the original sense of the word) and looking at anything nsfw makes me mildly uncomfortable at best, and I only like sex jokes to a certain extent. This doesn't make me a fucking child because sex is not what makes someone an adult in the first place.
People said that Tumblr isn't a great place to post original art that isn't fanart, but I'm doing it anyway because I haven't got the motivation to draw anything else
Aroace people do you like to separate your aro and aceness and how do you feel when other people separate them. People who are aroacespec are very much included! No see results please just want aroace ppl to vote
I do it and I prefer it when other people do it
I do it and I don't prefer it when other people do it
I do it and I don't care when other people do it
I don't do it and I prefer it when other people do it
I don't do it and I don't prefer it when other people do it
I don't do it and I don't care when other people do it
Aroace people, do you like to separate your aro and aceness and how do you feel when other people separate them? People who are aroacespec are very much included!
I do it and I prefer it when other people do it
I do it and I don't prefer it when other people do it
I do it and I don't care when other people do it
I don't do it and I prefer it when other people do it
I don't do it and I don't prefer it when other people do it
I don't do it and I don't care when other people do it
It took me a while to figure out I was demisexual, because I'd always heard it defined as "only experiencing sexual attraction when you've formed a strong emotional bond with someone." But, I discovered last year that that's not the only framework for understanding demisexuality!
Sharing this guide by Rebe Libe as an informational post about demisexuality!
What is demisexuality? What does it mean to be demisexual?
Demisexuals don't experience primary sexual attraction. Primary sexual attraction is based on sight or smell or other instantly available information.
Demisexuals do experience secondary sexual attraction (after knowing more about the person than just their looks). How much demisexuals need to know about said person and for how long they need to know about them for secondary sexual attraction to kick in varies from person to person.
Is it the same for allosexuals?
Allosexuals experience primary sexual attraction but that doesn't mean they want to act on it all the time, it's just a feeling.
They also experience secondary sexual attraction in the sense that they find a person extra attractive if they are attracted for who they are as a person.
Is it the same for asexuals?
Asexuals don't experience primary nor secondary sexual attraction.
Do demisexuals need to have romantic feelings for a person in order to experience sexual attraction towards them?
No, demisexuals don't need to have romantic feelings for a person to be sexually attracted to them.
It is common for both sexual attraction and romantic attraction to be present at the same time, so it can be confused as both needing to be present for secondary sexual attraction to develop but it's not necessary.
Demisexuals can enjoy a personâs presence or be attracted to some of their qualities without having an interest in dating them or building a romantic relationship with them.
Do I have to have a BOND with the person to be attracted to them?
No, attraction for demis can also be one-sided.
You can feel like you know a person and enjoy what they show or share about themselves without personally knowing them that much or at all.
Or course how much demisexuals need to know about a person, before they feel sexually attracted to them, really varies from person to person. There's no specific timeline on how long it takes either.
Can demisexuals be sexually attracted to celebrities or influencers?
Yes, demisexuals can feel attracted to celebrities, it's easy to get to imagine how a person's personality is, without personally getting to know them, with all the info celebrities usually share about their lives in interviews and their own personal plataforms.
That doesn't mean you actually know who they are or if they are being genuine or not, but you can still feel attracted for how you think they are.
Can demisexuals be sexually attracted to fictional characters?
Yes, demisexuals can be attracted to fictional characters, it's also common for demisexuals to be attracted to a character played by an actor but feel no attraction to the actor themself. Demisexuals can also experience sexual attraction towards fictional characters in other media, like books, webcomics, etc.
Can demisexuals have sex with people they aren't sexually attracted to?
Demisexuality is about attraction, NOT action. Demis can definitely have or want sex even without needing to be sexually attracted to the other person.
The same thing happens with asexuals, there are asexuals who enjoy sex for different reasons. They could enjoy the feeling itself, the activity with their partners, etc.
There are also demis who don't desire sex without feeling sexually attracted to the other person. Both things are normal, it more so depends on the person's attitute toward sex.
What are the different attitudes towards sex?
(this terminology is also applicable to, and comes from, the wider ace community)
Sex repulsed:Â Feeling repulsed, uninterested or uncomfortable by the though of engaging in sex. Sex-repulsed aces don't want to engage sexually and that's okay.
Sex-indifferent:Â No particular feelings toward sex. You might enjoy it but you could also live without it. It could also mean literal "indifference": no positive or negative feelings toward it. Just neutral. Sex indifferent aces might not pursue sex but be okay with engaging.
Sex-favorable:Â You enjoy sex for multiple reasons and would seek it out (to get or give physical pleasure, as an activity with a partner, etc.).
~~~
Hopefully that was informative! I also want to name that demisexuality is a spectrum. Some demis do need to be deeply bonded and have only experienced sexual attraction a handful of times in their entire lives. I, on the other hand, am at the opposite end of that spectrum and can experience attraction after spending just a few days with someone. What we have in common, though, is that we don't experience primary attraction; most of the time I don't develop romantic or sexual feelings that I want to act on when I first meet someone, even people who I end up being very attracted to.
I just gave a sermon at my church today about asexuality and how to be an ally. Not only did I get a lot of comments about how much people liked it (and how it was easy to understand for so many old folks), but one old lady came up to me afterwards with tears in her eyes and she said, "I'm 77 years old and I finally know what I am. Thank you." And that just made everything I've done worth it.
(also, thank you @onbearfeet for letting me use one of your blog posts. It resonated with a lot of people)
The video has been uploaded to YouTube! The sermon itself starts at 27:47, but if you are inclined I do recommend watching the whole video. There are some beautiful songs and a meditation. After my part, there is a closing song, and then some people from the audience come up and share their thoughts and comments.
Here are my notes, under the "read more":
Title: Asexuality and Inherent Worth
Summary: Asexuality is a sexual identity, like being gay, for someone who has little to no sexual attraction to any gender. This sermon will discuss the history of asexuality and how UUs can support the asexuals in their lives.
April 6 was International Asexuality Day
Read quote from article
International Asexuality Day: Why It's Important to Celebrate Asexuality
By Francesca Anelli (translated from Italian)
The visibility of asexual people in public discourse (and even within the LGBTQ+ community) is very low. The representation in the media is almost non-existent and even the information about this world seems to be scarce, especially in Italian (and in general in languages other than English). When and if you talk about it in newspapers or public spaces of public discussion, it is almost always done without giving voice to those who are on the spectrum but rather to the opinions and the bad faith of the first-lying columnist who passes. Also for this reason, those rare times that end up on the radar of the media, asexuality is perceived as a sort of âmodaâ imported from the Anglo-Saxon countries to the sound of posts by Tumblr, a whim for bored, white teenagers.
It should be superfluous to point out that reducing the way a person identifies to a passing trend is always an act of violence, particularly when their sexual or gender identity is accompanied by processes of marginalization, invisibil-ization and discrimination. But we shouldnât forget that in the constant devaluation of asexuality, what also plays a role is the deeply âWestern-centricâ gaze that Europe and the United States want as the fulcrum of world public life and a point of reference also in terms of feminist and / or queer theories and practices.
Obviously it is a very problematic vision, which also in this case reveals all its limits.
The collectives of acespec people (that is, who identify themselves within the spectrum of asexuality) are present all over the world and are often very active and followed. This is the case, for example, of Indian Aces, or even of different South American realities and in the Arabic-speaking countries. Not only that, an incorrect reading of asexuality leads to further forms of invisibil-ization for racialized people, forced to adapt to the hypersexualization of their bodies and the invalidation of their asexual identity.
To correct this distorted narrative, asexual activists from all over the world have therefore collaborated in the creation of an event â and especially of a community â that could offer a rich image and, if we want, âdecolonizedâ of asexuality. April 6th has therefore become the International Asexuality Day, or a day dedicated to making the asexual community visible in particular in non-Western countries through Activism, Celebration, Education and Solidarity.
define terms
asexuality (ace): little to no sexual attraction, a person might not want sex even though they love their partner
demisexuality (demi): one of the identities in the asexual spectrum, in which sexual attraction might happen only after a person has developed a strong emotional bond
graysexuality (gray-ace): another identity in the asexual spectrum, in which sexual attraction might be infrequent or vague
aromanticism (aro): similar to asexuality, but regards romantic attraction, a person might not want to date or marry
allosexuality: not asexual, sexual attraction is easy and fast (aka allo)
There are many more âmicrolablesâ that someone might identify with that are more detailed. We donât have time to go into that today, but you are welcome and encouraged to look into them yourself.
itâs important to include gray/demi in the overall asexual community because they can relate more to asexuality than allosexuality, and we can all benefit from inclusivity and community support
ace flag
history of creation
The flag was created by user âstandupâ of the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) community website and decided by online vote in 2010
color meanings: black = asexuality, gray = gray/demi/aspec âthe gray space in-betweenâ that falls under the aspec umbrella, white = non-asexual partners and allies, purple = community
purple was chosen because of its use as the main color of the AVEN website. The creator of the site, David Jay, referenced a legend that placing purple amethyst in a glass of wine prevents someone from getting drunk. He used it as a loose metaphor for lack of sexual desire.
history
people say that asexuality is new, but it is our current sexuality theories and studies that are new, within the last century or so, with us trying to analyze and label everything
before that, there were fewer labels and mostly talk about actions. A lack of action could be for any number of reasons.
The first known writing about asexuality was in 1869 by Karl-Maria Kertbeny, the same man who created the terms âhomosexualâ and âheterosexualâ. He wrote of what he called âmonosexualsâ, meaning people who only masturbated.
The first known use of the word âasexualâ referring to humans as a sexual identity was in 1907 by Reverend Carl Schlegal in New Orleans. He was removed from church office for advocating for equal laws regarding âhomosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, [and] asexualsâ.
Knowledge of asexuality became slightly more mainstream in 1948 when the Kinsey Scale included a category for men who reported âno socio-sexual contacts or relationsâ. You may know the Kinsey Scale as one model of understanding sexuality, a sliding scale between completely straight and completely gay, with bisexuality in the middle.
The sexual revolution of the 1960s and 70s brought a lot of new writing and community building for asexuality.
David Jay founded the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network in 2001, which became the biggest and most well-known asexual community in the Internet Age.
Ace Week, or Asexual Awareness Week, was founded by Sara Beth Brooks in 2010. It is celebrated on the last full week of October.
The International Asexuality Day was founded in 2021 and is celebrated on April 6.
Gender-bread person, split attraction theory
biological sex: genitals, DNA, hormones (a lot more variety than people think)
gender identity: how you feel, usually man, woman, or some variation thereof
gender expression: how you act and dress, according to your culture, for example girly-girl or tomboy
sexual attraction: when there is a certain type of person or trait that arouses you and makes you desire sex with them, whether or not you know anything else about them
sexual behavior: the actions you take or donât take, regardless of desire. For example, a straight person may choose to be celibate for religious reasons, but that doesnât make them not straight.
romantic attraction: wanting to engage in romantic activity with a person or type of person (a lot harder to define)
romantic behavior: might depend on your culture, can include PDA or displays of jealousy
libido: the physical desire for sexual stimulation, unrelated to any partner a person may or may not have. A person might find a partner, masturbate, or ignore it.
misconceptions
havenât found âthe oneâ or âjust have high standardsâ
dismissive, delegitimizing, and none of your business
cold/unloving
there are many kinds of love
traumatized
I donât gatekeep and some people may choose to identify as ace even though they werenât âborn this wayâ. They are still welcome and can benefit from being part of the community. But itâs important to know that many ace people are not traumatized and donât need help âgetting over itâ.
people can identify as sex-favorable, -neutral, -indifferent, -averse, or -repulsed (not just sex, but other physical acts of affection like kissing or hand-holding)
there are many reasons to have sex, such as to enjoy the physical act or to emotionally bond with a partner
a (very informal) study showed that the best erotica novelists are asexual, because they focus on character-driven story and emotions rather than simple descriptions of the act
how asexual people are/have been discriminated against
[quote from onbearfeet]
Blog post by onbearfeet
When you don't have a word for yourself, the world will give you one, and it will not go well for you thereafter.
Every ace I know over a certain age--every one who learned their word in adulthood rather than before--had a word they discarded to take up the new one. I collect them. These words were applied in childhood, usually, and they were not words a child should have to bear.
Monster. Freak. Broken. Defective. Sick. Failure. Deficient. Wrong. Bitch. Snob. Frigid. Uptight. Prudish. And, amazingly: slut, whore, etc. from people who assumed that the ace was secretly having ALL the sex and just lying about it.
Imagine slapping one or more of those words on a literal child because the child didn't have a crush on anyone at school, or went stag to prom, or didn't dream about a wedding or failed to jerk off to Playboy in the garage.
I got slapped with half a dozen of these words, but the one I chose for myself was the kindest one I've heard so far: alien.
I started telling people I was from another planet at age 12. It was half a joke, half not. Being neurodivergent AND uninterested in boys (OR girls!) was more bearable if I just pretended I wasn't human.
I will say that again: I preferred not being human to being an unlabeled ace.
So yeah, the words matter to a lot of us. The words remind us that we're human, too. That we have options beyond just being monsters. Let us use our words. Don't be a dick about it (it's none of your business anyway, after all).
Because you and I both know what happens when people are forced to be monsters.
by straight society
not really hated as a community, but individually
pathologized, called cold or slutty, âcorrectiveâ rape, mistaken for gay
marriages expected to be romantic and sexual, little space for QPR
(I can only speak as a white American) cultural expectation of romantic and sexual relationships being prioritized over any other type
within queer spaces
the idea of queerness being defined by trauma
âstraight-passingâ
Not unique to asexuality, trans or gnc people without dysphoria are told they arenât trans, bisexual people are told to pick a side or stop complaining because they can âpassâ
how it relates to UUism
1st principle: [We affirm and promote] the inherent worth and dignity of every person.
We are whole and complete people even when we are not upholding the cultural idea of adulthood, such as marriage, sex, and children. We are not âmissing outâ, we are not âbrokenâ. We have worth and dignity even when we donât live or act as you do.
2nd principle: Justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.
As the history of discrimination shows, this is sorely needed, both socially and legally.
4th principle: A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.
What is true for one person may be false or incomplete for another. I am still learning things about myself even today. We must allow each other to question and search for our own truths.
How to be an ally:
[second anecdote by onbearfeet]
Additional anecdote by onbearfeet
When I started telling people I was an alien, most of the other kids in my class began making fun of me for it.
But my best friend--arguably the most popular and well-liked boy in the class--announced that he was an alien, too.
He's straight. Married to a pretty blonde woman now, with cherubic little kids. We grew apart over the years, but I've never forgotten. It was the first experience of allyship I ever had.
Be open to learning new things, even if that means re-evaluating some long-held beliefs
Respect what someone tells you about themselves, even if you donât understand
Reach out to advocacy groups if you want to do more
Groups:
The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) asexuality.org
The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) taaap.org
International Asexuality Day (IAD) internationalasexualityday.org
Iâm actually serious about this, if at all possible, right now is a very good time to request queer books from your local library. Whether they get them or not is not in your control, but it is so important to show that there is a desire for queer books. I will also say getting more queer books in libraries and supporting queer authors are pretty fantastic byproducts of any action.
This isnât something everyone can do, but please do see if you are one of the people who has the privilege to engage in this form of activism, and if you are, leverage that privilege for all youâre worth.
For anyone who canât think of a queer book to request, here is a little list of some queer books that I think are underrated and might not be in circulation even at larger libraries:
Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown
Silver Under Nightfall by Rin Chupeco   Â
Harvardâs Secret Court: The Savage 1920 Purge of Campus Homosexuals by William Wright  Â
The Perks of Loving a Wallflower by Erica Ridley  Â
God Themselves by Jae Nichelle
IRL by Tommy Pico    Â
The Pink Line: Journeys Across the Worldâs Queer Frontiers by Mark Gevisser
Passing Strange by Ellen Klages       Â
The New Queer Conscience by Adam Eli
Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girlâs Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom     Â
Queering the Tarot by Cassandra Snow       Â
Wash Day Diaries by Jamila Rowser
Queer Magic: Lgbt+ Spirituality and Culture from Around the World by TomĂĄs Prower      Â
Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender by Kit Heyam  Â
Beyond the Pale by Elana DykewomonÂ
Hi Honey, Iâm Homo! by Matt Baume   Â
The Deep by Rivers Solomon
Homie: Poems by Danez Smith
The Secret Life of Church Ladies by Deesha Philyaw Â
The Companion by E.E. OttomanÂ
Kapaemahu by Dean Hamer, Joe Wilson, Hinaleimoana Wong-Kalu
Sacrament of Bodies by Romeo Oriogun   Â
Witching Moon by Poppy WoodsÂ
Tell Me Iâm Worthless by Alison Rumfitt  Â
Dead Collections by Isaac Fellman  Â
Disintegrate/Dissociate by Arielle Twist      Â
Dear Senthuran: A Black Spirit Memoir by Akwaeke Emezi       Â
Peaches and Honey by Imogen Markwell-Tweed   Â
Nepantla: An Anthology Dedicated to Queer Poets of Color by Christopher Soto
I wish I felt Pride in that. I can't. Not yet, at least.
It's not because there's something wrong with lacking these forms of attraction. There is not. I absolutely love and envy those that have been able to overcome their internalized bigotry towards this. I do.
It's just that me realizing this about myself is pretty recent. And I'm mourning.
Yeah. I'm mourning aspects of life that I'm never going to experience and that I never wanted in the first place. And I'm crying over it almost every day.
Again, it's not because there's something wrong with this. Aromantic and asexual people are not broken.
I've never been in a relationship, romantic or sexual. I never wanted to, not really. But it's fucking hard to have people every day saying things like "that's a sad way to live" or "you're missing out".
I'm not mourning my lack of romantic and sexual attraction to anyone because it's something that I ever inherently missed. I'm mourning it because this fucking society has drilled into my mind that I'm broken and incomplete without romance and sex. And that's fucked up.
