Intellectually I know people go to grad school on a whim. I've seen the memes. But I guess I never really got what a whim meant? Or I guess that it was more reserved for people who weren't international students?? Idk. So fal everyone I know who's gone to grad school abroad has done it very intentionally. And it was a draining, anxiety-inducing, heart wrenching process every time. Until now. Until a kid just applied because he had the money and nothing to lose. Just because he could. With no idea, no passion for anything in particular, no concept of anything, just time and money and good grades. And he got in. He got in. He got into a program a friend of mine with an infinitely more thought-out and mature profile didn't. And I know meritocracy is a lie. I know admissions like a lot of things aren't fair. I know all of this. But I still want to scream. I want to scream and cry and pull out my hair because I just cannot fathom that this just happens. That you just wake up and decide just because to apply to grad school with mediocre letters of recommendations and a random writing sample and just say you'll do whatever research in whatever area because your interests are just so broad and you'll just move to a different country and if you don't get in well it was just a try to see what it was like and improve your profile and whatnot. I just. I can't describe what that attitude makes me feel. The rage. Is it just the impostor syndrome that makes me feel so stunned like I could never approach it that way or if that's just irresponsible or just a display of incredible privilege that I just do not have. The fact that grad school is a dream of mine that feels impossible for me to achieve because I don't trust my profile to clear the barrier for entry and this kid just did it. With no effort. Just to see what it was like. I don't even want to get it.


















