Emotional breakthroughs just won’t seem to leave me alone. People blame it on hormones. Ouch…to think it was something bigger. Maybe hormones are a big deal, but I’m not sure how to twist them into an aspect of spirituality like I’d like to.
My family says I’m acting chaotic. They say my room’s a mess, my car’s a mess, and I’m allowing my life to become a mess. How they catch these things? I have no idea.
The first clue that set them off was that I had refused to talk about or express emotions about the fact that me & Dakota broke up. Well, not necessarily “broke up.” More like he took my hopes, my cares, not to mention my innocence and gracefully pranced away with his new basket full of trophies.
Buh-bye, virginity.
Oh, hi stupidity!
But thank god regret never showed his ugly face.
Ya, I cried. But I’d go through phases. It wasn’t a nasty break up, just a nice little text conversation during school. He kept repeating that he didn’t know himself or what he wanted, which eventually led to my, “Good christ, I know where this is going, just tell me!”
And many apologies from his side. Which is weird, cuz like, I thought apologies meant you thought you screwed up.
Song of the Day: Favorite Accident, MCS
I bet calling you “Elle” will sound weird to you still, since you only began going by it last year when you got your Birth Certificate and found it was the “true” spelling of your name. Yes, it sounds more sophisticated and fits your new identity at a posh high school nick named “Vanilla Valley” and yes, it is the spelling your father chose and you desire a connection with him and yes, your mother had failed to keep her mental health in check enough not to bruise your neck and give you the final push to leave, so why use her spelling anyway?
You will learn a few things very soon about this change in name, mainly that you are Ellie, and you love it. You love the way the pronunciation of it seems to require a smile. You love how playful it makes you sound. You love that it reminds you of the fondness in your mother’s voice. In fact, one day the fights with her will seem to be but a fog in your memory.
These “hormonal” emotional breakthroughs are not going to stop. Thankfully, you welcome the up’s and down’s of life with open arms and soon you will remember how life changing you can make them. In fact, one day your motto will be “PMS didn’t create the thought, it just made me yell it.”
Jokes aside, do not ever allow anyone, including yourself, to write off your feelings as “crazy woman behavior” or “Aunt Flo.” These are the exact people you should tell to fuck off no matter what time of the month it is.
Yes, even your loving big brother Sean… but you have probably thought of a few reasons besides that already. Don’t worry, things will get better with him too. One day you will realize he has far less of a grasp on this whole “life” thing, and he will need you. Don’t tell him I told you, but he always has.
You are probably having a hard time focusing on this letter due to the fact that you have just experienced your first break up. I want to hug you. It is ok to cry. I know you feel weak crying in front of Sean and Diana and you don’t want them to see you be anything but motivated, but that is a whole other issue…for now, just know that you are your best friend and it is beautiful. Cry until your eyes swell shut. This is your first romantic heartbreak and you are 16…make it count. Go listen to every break up song you pretended to relate to because now you do. Just because you had experienced worse loss does not mean you need to demean the impact of this one.
He did not take your innocence. Someday you will be disgusted by the societal relation of a young woman losing her virginity and subsequently giving away her innocence. You are still so, so young. Listen to old people when they say that. The world will always fill you with wonder. Dakota couldn’t take that if he tried, and you most certainly did not gift it to him.
Some people will try and convince you you didn’t love him. I almost just did, but then I remembered…you did. You dig and dig and find every quality in a person you adore, and you dive right into loving them. Never, ever be ashamed of that quality. Know that love only gets better and better with each heartbreak, and one day you will even be in Love.
This quality can, however, be dangerous in times of weakness. In this particular scenario, it is when one day in a year or so, you reuniting with him a few times with an inkling of hope for comfort and a spark of passion but Ellie, it will always be a quick, meaningless, and overall just terribly executed romp in the back seat of his car. When someone tells, no…screams at you who they are, listen. It is impossible to experience loving someone when you have forgotten to love yourself. He is not sorry, but he is not evil. He is 17, as new to hormones as you are, and honestly severely unintelligent in any matters requiring emotion. This will not be the last of this “type,” but he will be the worst of them.
Please remember I Love You, and I’m not the only one.
