It's been a few years since I was here. And I'm pretty sure I was going through the same type of crisis last time - the difference being that now, I am fully aware of the neurodivergent patterns, the glaringly obvious ADHD, and the hormonal changes that are causing my poor coping mechanisms to be illuminated again.
At 40, I filed for divorce. At 41, I have a slew of mystery medical problems they have yet to diagnose, along with an AuDHD diagnosis on the very near horizon. Which is great - it means I will finally be medicated with something that will help me. But it also makes me furious and so sad. I spent 3 decades struggling and nobody helped, no diagnosis, just "you have anxiety and you get bored easily."
Nevermind the need for constant noise, chaos, distractions, stimulation. The drinking or taking sedatives to silence my brain. The job changes, never sticking to anything, wanting to move constantly (physically and geographically). The lack of eye contact. The forcing myself to stay up late. The specific things I become obsessed with. The fear of phone calls, confrontation, saying no. Forgetting to eat. Buying things just to spark some happiness (aka dopamine). Being chronically late for everything. Having a meltdown when I feel rushed or when my clothes fit weird or when someone won't stop clearing their throat or sniffling. Freaking out in downtown traffic. Being in the talented and gifted program as a child and being totally fine with being in my room alone playing loud music and painting. Constant fidgeting, chewing on my cheeks, picking at my nails, readjusting, stretching. Being amazing during catastrophic events but driving myself crazy in points of calm and silence. I despise silence! The fact that I have Ehlers-danlos - something that makes me 5 times more likely to have ADHD.
There were so many signs but nobody said anything. My mom just said I was overly sensitive and not working to my full potential. I am the perfect storm of what is an overly sensitive and empathetic person... A Pisces, INFJ, an only child, someone with a somewhat traumatic childhood. But all of those just add to the chemical problems in my brain that cause it to be wired different.
Masking all of this by going with the flow, saying yes so I don't upset people, and taking any kind of dopamine hit I can get just to relax. Alcohol being the most detrimental to me because it's the most readily available. And to find out that upwards of 70% of adults with ADHD misuse some form of drugs or alcohol, everything makes sense. I'm just sorry it took 41 year old me to put the pieces together when medical professionals couldn't do anything.
This has been probably the most traumatic year of my life and I still don't ask for help. Instead, I dive head first into other people's problems and try to fix them. And in turn, I suffer more and spiral out of control. I've pretty much hit my breaking point.
I spent the better part of the year beating myself up for being the "chronically phone addicted millennial" when I get physically ill from lack of communication. But it turns out, it's not a me or them thing on that level. I thought I was being neurotic, and in a way, it is - but there's an actual name for it. RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). And oh BOY do I suffer from it. And being that my close friends are the same age as me, we don't talk on the phone, we text and send memes as forms of immediate and direct communication - that's just life.
Nothing in recent years has made me spiral quite like RSD. I will say that I had a boyfriend in highschool who frequently ignored my calls and texts, but that's because he was a basketcase and a manipulative menace who left me with some varying degree of PTSD (a lack of response meant he was trying to unalive himself, usually. Or at least the threat.) But when someone sends what I perceive to be an ominous text, or nothing at all, my brain will immediately go to the worst case scenario. I will panic and avoid them. Most of the time, it ends up being innocuous and I freaked out for nothing. But my brain is broken and doesn't always think logically like that. And I am guilty of giving bad people too many chances or putting up with way too much toxicity and abuse just because I think there's something wrong with me.
So here I am, back again to try and better myself. I have so many thoughts in my head that I figure I should get them out in some form. Avoiding drinking and cutting out toxic people. I learned the hard way over the past year that I trust people too quickly and even make excuses for their bad behavior. Finding healthy ways to cope and keep myself entertained. I bought more books, I enjoy working out, I brought my art sets back out. It's time to focus on myself and not focus on other people as projects that require my skills to fix.
Even as I type this, I'm at work - going between typing, pouring drinks, and snacking on my food. The same reason I can't just watch TV - I'll be scrolling on my phone, have the TV on, maybe my laptop open or music going. All at once. And guess what? I took someone's shift today because I can't say no or I'll feel bad.
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