starfaeriess

ell // 17 // poetry blog // follow from aprildreaming because I can't figure stuff out // slytherin // aries // message anytime

[goldrushess]

it’s exhausting

trying to outrun my own ordinariness

a nonentity a cipher a code a shadow

a hull of bright shining clarity

it’s killing me loudly and soundly

like nothing ive ever been before

and yet still

forever too late

(im exhausted im more than exhausted im so done with just treading and treading water because in the end all it feels like is drowning drowning drowning. like the slow descent into oblivion where insanity is too much to handle and ingenuity no longer exists. it feels like i have to remain with only myself and the nothingness i have amounted to.)

[goldrushess]

One day, I tell myself, I’ll be gone

Maybe to the shitty cheap university apartments, laughing with my roommate about how the lecturer hadn’t even turned up that day. Sipping wine together while watching cartoons because nothing makes you feel better than being an adult and a child at the same time. Going out on friday nights to get wasted enough that we pass out in the living room, sweaty and disgusting but still fond of the memory years later.

I can be my own main character. Achieve greatness away from everyone else’s uniqueness. My timidness no longer weighs me down instead its burning my soul. I float and I float and I float until I can’t anymore and retire, a living legend.

Of course, you understand, these are only dreams. Mediocrity is not something you can outrun. Making it out of my childhood small town seems on the outskirts of possibility, but it will be enough. It has to be.

I look forward to a future away from insufferable idiots and stars that shine too brightly for me to not be envious.

[goldrushess]

watch me over pick me closer

pick and pick and pick at me

until it all comes crashing out

ages upon eras upon eons

Of insignificant half rotten godawful words to want attention

oh please, you don’t need to act,

whither and hover while I

turn you over pull shadows closer

(throw pages pages pages away, ages wasted on you to barely stay)

[goldrushess]

people talk and dream of love as if its this oh so nice sweet smelling sugar tasting moment of appeal

all I've seen of love is rot and blood and sweat and tears and bones cracking, hearts tearing

seen people shifting into monsters or monsters looking human, both just as terrible as the other

seen how it changes people from the very dust they are made of, turns the happiest of them all to this watery blue desolate corpse

turns the dirtiest of scoundrels to the richest most broken pieces of shit, which, mind you, they likely always have been

because the gatsbys never win, and the daisys always lose, and yet in the truest fashion of nick carraway, I sit and watch

let them tear each other apart till nothing but the green light

and daisy’s dead decaying bleeding heart are left

because that’s love isn't it?

[goldrushess]

I wish to be the master or the shadow

neither never nor the in between

aspire for the austen dream in faded country landslides

clamber to follow brontës in vivid heavy obsession

climb and climb, fall and die

for to be mediocre is to be worse than to be nothing

turn for van gogh or picasso, heavens even for the calling of 

the modern genius went insane

work for it so deeply that it stitches, turns and burns outside in

lessons learned early on are those never forgotten

I want to be great or nothing

(talent is hard to earn and hard to learn, so reality aches for us slightly lesser)

[goldrushess]

kiss me harsh and slow

till I feel nothing more than I do now

kiss me devouring and empty

killing me in more ways than you know how

kiss me full and hollow

laugh at me before the everlasting gutwrenching final bow

(you call this love)

[goldrushess]

you could cry for what it’s worth

but it’s not worth much and you know it

(then again, what’s the harm? not like you’re wasting anything important)

[goldrushess]

feed me songs of innocence and I will regurgitate words of love

[goldrushess]

alwaysneverneverland -> starfaeriess

it was time for a change

[goldrushess]

whisper in cold satin and chilling songs

hours upon hours of haunting words

over and over and over

nothing calms like the slow bleed of the slightly lesser

nothing helps like the quiet, false, reassurances of your mind,

nothing hurts like the knowledge that none of it is quite ever really

how its meant to be

(kill me with your torturous touch, it lingers but it never stays)

[goldrushess]

it’s not as if I bit off more than I could chew no, it’s just that I ate the whole damn plate shoved the entire meal down my throat and now,  I’m playing with death in more ways than one 

[goldrushess]

bury me under the creaky swing set in that old park we used to play in 

imagine me as a child, sunburnt and arms broken, but imagine me happy

ecstatic, effervescent

remember me, but remember you, as well

(I’m sorry but I can’t be there for you, this is something you just have to get through)

guilt builds character - 08.12

[goldrushess]

call me empty

call me shallow

call me everything under the sun

because at least one word from your lips

is better than none

[goldrushess]

september rolls around and with it comes your feigned ignorance memories made in the grotesque heat are left for me and me alone

watch me drive all those images away watch me grow indifferent and oh so shallow watch me follow your example to a t,  watch me throw it all away on the basis of no reason

or better yet, don’t let this bother your attention no actions, no words on your tongue, is worse than some. 

(another month another lover)

[goldrushess]

they said icarus drowned at sea,  but honey, he was gone long before that

drowned all on his own listening to words left unsaid over and over again drowned right by the window watching everything that was his walk away drowned before he ever even touched those useless wings

(so, yes, he did drown in the ocean, but can’t you see he was already dead?)

[goldrushess]

tell me about who you used to be  was she funny or shy?  witty or bitingly mean?

tell me about how you used to feel were you happy or broken? sad or painstakingly lonely?

tell me about how you left her behind was it difficult or freeing? terrifying or exhilaratingly new?

(tell me, how do I do it too?)

[goldrushess]

as always, I waited I waited till the sun was down, and then again until it was up I waited till your scars had healed, and then I waited evermore I waited till the eons passed, and then again until ages new

as always, that was sinful each day you lingered less and less, remaining even barely words each day you wandered more and more, wisps of you barely corporeal each day you left until someday you just never came back

and still, I waited, but for what, I may never know (I do know, but I’d really rather not)